will you?

what i find incredibly interesting these days are the ways in which people traverse in and out of my life. some of them have a layover only for a few minutes, but i know they'll be back again on the next trip through town. some people barely get off the train...just wave from the window...let me see their faces and then keep on their journeys. others seem to have followed a one-way street (at least for now) straight to my door.

it's hard not to make assumptions...predictions...about how long people will stay once they arrive, but i'm really striving not to. i mean, there is at least one person whom i feel will be in my life forever, but even that is hard to fathom some days. the only constant in my life (and, i would wager, in the lives of many) is how little things stay the same.

i'm sure that something will happen any minute now to get my mind onto a different track, but for now, i'm thinking about you... and you....and YOU....and you over there, and i'm wondering if i'll see your faces again. if not, that's okay, really...or at least it'll need to be okay...but you can't blame me for wondering.

oh, and if you (you, YOU, you over there) ever trip over this entry and wonder if i'm talking about you, i guess you'll never really know, now will you?

solitary refinement

with the exception of a brief foray out into the world yesterday morning, i spent the entire day at home just chillin with my bad self. i have to say that sometimes, though, i could do better. like, for instance, i seem to have a very hard time motivating myself to get things done around the house, no matter how badly they need doing. and really, the biggest reason for this is that it's just me living here. who cares if i let the dishes sit for an extra day? who cares if there are cookbooks lying on the floor of the living room? who cares that i haven't emptied the trash in my bedroom yet this week?

well, to be honest, i'm starting to care.

i think i need a priority makeover. no, i know i need one. since when did it become okay to let certain important things fall by the wayside in favor of largely meaningless endeavors? ugh. this isn't my preference in the least.

so, clearly, i need to get all taskmaster on myself and just DO what i need to do, for crying out loud. i always feel so much better once i do my chores, and they really don't require THAT much effort, truth be told.

okay, that settles it. for the next 2 hours, i'm going to put forth major effort to accomplish some things i want to accomplish. stop where i am, pivot, and walk that-a-way. good decision.

early this morning, i dreamt that the singer seal (or someone who looked suspiciously like him) was my brother, about to leave town for some extended period of time. before he walked out the door, he came over to me, took my face in his hand, pressed his forehead against mine, looked deep into my eyes and whispered, 'always need me.'

i don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that dream had NOTHING to do with seal....

God, i think you're whispering again. my ears are open....

i have an announcement to make:

*drum roll*

(cue cheesy fake horn 'ta-da' sound)

i'm officially addicted to unsweetened, fresh brewed iced tea with lemon. i want it all the time. i order it whenever i go out to any type of food and/or beverage establishment. heck, sometimes i even plan my day around being able to procure it. it's a problem, i know....

wait....or is it?

i mean, it has no calories, less caffeine than coffee (and frankly, i wouldn't mind if it were decaf or even herbal tea - i'm that committed), and it makes me happy. is that a bad thing? i mean, really.

no, see, what's bad is that yesterday i ate french fries AND a pre-packaged ice cream treat, all before 4 p.m. not today, though. today i was rather good and even got a veggie powerhouse sandwich when i went out for lunch with some of the girlz from work (WITH an unsweetened iced tea, of course!!).

okay, so i've just confessed my addiction, admitted my pseudo-shame, and then rationalized my way through it. i don't know about you, but that wore me out, so now i'm going to seek some dinner.

happy friday!

okay, i take it all back

the air conditioner broke AGAIN, and for the last 3-4 hours, it's been super duper hot in my apartment:(. the maintenance man is checking to see if he has a motor in the shop, because apparently my fan needs to be replaced (or something like that). he commented, 'it's way too hot in here,' to which i heartily nodded, mentioned my asthma, and then gave him a hopeful look before he ran out the door to check on the part.

i'm not sure exactly what i'm going to do if he doesn't have what he needs, but suffice it to say i'm miserable and in no frame of mind to cook dinner or turn any lights on. lights=heat, people. see how science-oriented i am?

stay tuned....

it's okay now....

you can breathe a huge sigh of relief along with me. the maintenance man saved my life....came over here quick, fast, and in a hurry, worked his magic on my a/c unit, and now, the sweet bliss-filled cool air is pumping through my apartment once again.

which is a particularly good thing, because i've got the dryer on load #2 and i need to put something in the oven soon. there's just no good time in the summer to be losing your cool.

i did manage to make some bulgar wheat with seared veggies, fresh tomatoes, olives, lots of fresh parsley, and some goat cheese, all tossed in a light balsamic vinaigrette. gotta say - delish.

now i'm off to watch a dvd and work on a project i've been putting off for the better part of the last year (at least this is what i think i'll be doing - we'll see if it pans out). wish me luck!

my apologies to nelly, but seriously, it's getting hot in here....

about 40 minutes ago, i started noticing that i wasn't feeling nearly as cool as i had been when i woke up this morning. furthermore, i heard some seriously loud noises coming from outside. it may have been mowers or, as i now am wondering, it may have been my a/c unit DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.

i'm sure i don't need to inform any of the local readers of this blog that it's rather warm outside right now...and getting warmer by the moment....not to mention the fact that i'm on the third (top) floor, and i'm sure i don't have to explain basic science principles to y'all, but to break it down, heat rises, people.

ugh. i already put in a call to my emergency maintenance line and informed them of the problem...and of my asthma/allergy situation. one of the maintenance peops called me back and said that once he deals with someone else's a/c unit, he'll come to check mine out. i'm just praying that it's fixable. if i have to sleep for a night without a/c, it's not gonna be good....

creamy polenta to the rescue

i had such a long day, it's almost impossible to explain. i mean, it was as if there were periods during which i could feel the rotation of the earth. it was dragging THAT slowly.

BUT, it's over now, and i ended my day with a delightful fluorish...dinner at donna's with salimah. more specifically, we both had veal scaloppine over creamy polenta with roasted tomatoes and garlic spinach sauteed with pine nuts and golden raisins. delish!

and even more than the food, my delight came in sitting across the table from someone with whom i don't have to explain anything. not how long my day was, or how i don't know what i'm doing with my life, or how i don't know how to feel about this person or that person - none of it. i'm just me, and she's just her, and there is so much context, words are often dispensable to our interactions. sure, the polenta went down nice, but that kind of knowing is the TRUE comfort....

it's saturday morning and i'm sitting at my desk looking out the window. i just ate a peanut butter cookie that i got yesterday from a cafe near work. in a few minutes, i'll be talking to a girl whom i'm helping write/revamp her resume. by the way, if any of you out in the world need resume services, i'm available (and my rates are reasonable).

this is the season of freelance work for me, i hope. i'm greatly in need of funding for my existence (a.k.a. project 'make ends meet'), and i'm trying to scrounge around for any editing work i can get on top of my 40-hour-per-week job. oy vey. this so isn't what i hoped for myself at this point. but, in the grand tradition of my family, i will brace myself against the oncoming current and push headlong through this situation until i come out on the other side. no use bellyaching; as ever, it is what it is.

i'm actually rather excited about this weekend. i have no actual plans, other than some work that i got yesterday afternoon (again, it's all about the extra cash). i won't get to see my beloved salimah, in all likelihood, but i cherish the thought of not having to leave my apartment if i don't want to. i plan on napping to my heart's content, watching a few movies, and enjoying some delicious peaches, blueberries, and strawberries i picked up at wegman's the other day.

life feels a bit lovely just now. lovely weather. lovely phone calls. lovely plans.

capture


the day i took this picture, i was hurting. my throat felt raw with sick, my lungs were wheezing (i am now convinced i had pneumonia, which is why i am still not better), and i was worn out. but my soul felt at peace...calm...and there was no question in my mind that i was going to take my weary self and climb the path up the side of this mountain to see a waterfall. the photo doesn't do it justice -- the view through the trees was unbelievably beautiful: the mist hanging on the mountains, the water in the distance, the sun intermingling with clouds. it was a metaphor that day for my own restless self...the light of truth mixed in with all the unanswered questions, the fumbling prayers. i needed to capture an image of me from the inside. this is one that says it best.

it's been over a month since i was in that place, but every day, i miss it still. i know i'm going to long for it until i can go back there again. sick or no, it was the best vacation i've ever taken...the most necessary one at that. and i was allowing the sadness that had been hanging around me for the month prior to just drift out the open windows of my car...around every turn in the road up the mountain, i let go more and more of what was (or might have been) and began to embrace the moment, the possibility of another day, the truth of what is...what always will be.

asheville, i miss you....promise me it won't be too long till we meet again....

baking whimsy

for the first time in a LONG time, i got out my mixing bowls, my whisk, and a collection of ingredients and created some food magic....specifically, a blueberry clafouti (some of which i had for breakfast) and some truly yummy cookies that intend to pack up and send several of as a gift. in between these activities, i did laundry, vacuumed, watched a little tv, and generally bummed around. and of course, i've been sporting my baking wear: comfy clothes, flip flops, an apron, and a bandana to keep the hair out of the way (and because i love to look street, of course)....

i feel more centered now. more ready to start the week. and a few of my coworkers - who have been bugging me about the lack of baked goods - will be rather happy tomorrow when i show up with sweet treats:).

john legend is working it out in the background. this is all very smooth business. makes me want to drink a cocktail and lounge about. sounds like a good idea, actually....

later on, peops....

the other night i wrote a poem about blowing my nose. i'm not even joking about this. i was so frustrated with the sneezing, the blowing, the running, the stuffiness (i'm now nearly 9 weeks out from the start of this mayhem), i felt that something HAD to give. apparently, all that gave was some words onto a page. oh well. i should be thankful for the creative bug whenever it bites, right?

speaking of creativity, i've decided that mine is being generally blocked by a build-up of nervous tension and a lack of exercise. i have, therefore, decided that i shall be going back to the gym within the next day or so. i need to get good and exhausted in the way that only an hour-long workout can yield. if it weren't for the sincerely choking heat, i might even consider a few walks around the building during the day, but as it stands, no siree.

i probably shouldn't admit this, but i'm feeling a little happy right about now, and i just had to tell someone.

so now you know:).

i can't think of a more original title for this than tuesday

i barely slept last night. i mean, really, i think i was lucky if i got three hours. and i kept having coughing fits. this heat - even though i haven't been out in it for 2 days - is the worst.

so sunday, i went to whole foods to pick up a few little tidbits, and i decided to procure some vitamin C and probiotics to try and combat the nasty effects of all the medicine i've been on. unfortunately, i was hot and exhausted and light-headed, and seeing all those little bottles with lots of writing on them wasn't helping me. so i wandered around kind of whimpering to myself until this rather lovely man came up to me and said, 'do you need me?'

i told him that i thanked God he had shown up - that i was pretty much lost without him in this area of the store. in fact, i kept mumbling 'all the writing, so many bottles. i just don't even know.' he looked a little concerned that i might be crazy and/or unwell, but i assured him that i was simply under the weather and a little faint but that all was good....

so thus began a rather brief but intense relationship involving us touring the aisles a bit and his explaining to me the health benefits of a variety of items. i managed to score some enteric-coated probiotics and vitamin C with bioflavonoids, as well as a bevy of knowledge about other things (most of which i've, sadly, now forgotten).

when i tried to walk away, he pulled out the stops with the multivitamins, but i let him know that things were a-ok with me for now, and i'd be back - perhaps - later to get some other things....oh, and that i hoped he'd be there to answer my questions. i thanked him about 30 times and then pulled myself away. he looked a little bummed....

ah well. it's always nice to feel valued, even if only for a moment....

oh, and 'happy' august, everyone. it's hot as a mutha outside....

okay, so i'm, like, super boring, in case no one has yet noticed (although i'm sure everyone has). my entire life has been consumed of late with this blasted illness, and because i've had precious little to say, i haven't been up for writing much.

but let me sum up (you know how i love the list as an entity):

1. my bff has a jones for a literary lion (with a great smile).
2. i had some medicinal shots of jameson's last weekend, and you know - it wasn't half bad. (then again, what do i know? i can't taste anything.)
3. i had dinner with some gals from work the other evening, and it was such a chick experience (replete with talk of waxing and other girl things), it nearly made me want to paint my toenails.
4. i'm obsessed with the gnarls barkley song 'crazy' and the john legend/snoop dogg collaboration 'i can change.'
5. i lost 4.3 pounds this week without even trying. (i hope this doesn't mean that i actually have something that is killing me slowly.)
6. i'm planning a secret trip with someone artistic and fantastic. (ooh, that sounds mysterious!)
7. i smile a bit more often these days.
8. that about does it for now.

well, as it turns out, i have a major sinus infection, and i'm now on all kinds of drugs - antibiotics, decongestants, and steroid nasal spray and inhaler. honestly, thank God for patient first. it's annoying to go in there and sit and wait for (sometimes) hours on end, but at least i walk out of there with some prescriptions in hand.

i'm two days out from starting the meds, and i'm not feeling that much better (but i'm hopeful that time will be on my side in this one). yesterday, salimah and i went to hear a friend play down at a bar in fells point, and i tried my first shot of irish whiskey, for medicinal purposes, of course (it cures what ails ye). afterwards, we came home and watched 'fun with dick and jane,' which i enjoyed quite a bit, actually....

so, tomorrow the week begins all over again. not much else to report, except that i will be SO relieved when i no longer have to carry wads of tissues with me wherever i go....

yeah

okay, so now i am basically deaf in my left ear. yeah. i'm not even totally kidding either. the clogging has moved around in my head and it's like a sound tunnel in there. every time i chew anything or breathe or anything, it echoes inside my head. seriously, i am acoustically sound.

now then, it was not the best day ever. i won't go into it here, but it just wasn't. trust me.

and i'm thinking that i may cave and go back to the doctor and beg for some more antibiotics tomorrow night. how depressing is it that i've been sick for almost 2 months?

super. duper. depressing.

top 10: recap of my weekend

1. nose blowing
2. watched the orioles beat the texas rangers 8-1 from club seating (not the sky box, as i had originally thought - but still VERY nice)
3. ate some bland-to-me food - most likely due to the fact that i can taste NOTHING
4. slept late both mornings
5. nyquil:)
6. amy perbeck in from michigan: ridiculous fun
7. all balls, all the time (you had to be there)
8. belated birthday bling
9. did i mention nyquil?
10. sweating

yeah, that about sums it up.

in summation

i'm not even going to beat around the bush here. my sinuses hurt. i've got pressure, discomfort, and some major ick up in there. a friend at work started calling me mucus girl. i know. it's gross, but i'm thinking i need an action figure.

in other news, my beloved amy perbeck is in town, and together, we are too fantastic to even believe. later today, we'll be going to an o's game with my folks (my mom got 4 free sky box tix!), so i'm hoping the weather holds....

really, very little has been going on in my life over the last few days, except that i'm trying for a new record of how many tissues i can run through in a 24-hour period. i'm thinking guinness will be getting a call from me any time now....

i'm off to watch a dvd of something amusing...chill out for a bit before i venture out into the heat later on.

how 'bout dem o's, hon!!

and they're off....

over the course of the last 10 months of my life, it has become increasingly apparent to me that one just NEVER knows what's going to go down in life. i mean, there is always a degree to which it seems reasonable to make assumptions (especially educated ones), but even with that being said, one must always leave the door open for that certain something - or someone - that may come and rearrange the game plan at the 11th hour.

i cannot tell you of the numbers of people i know whose lives seemed firmly placed on a trajectory towards some end and then, when they least expected it, everything shifted. (this includes myself, by the way). people who were well on their way to marriage - or were, in fact, already married - now have no relationship of which to speak. or others who seemed utterly happy with where they were and then up and moved/left jobs/etc. almost without warning. i'm telling you - it's all just nutso.

and so, it is with deep breaths that i look toward a most uncertain (circumstantially, anyway) future and say, without equivocation that all bets are, in fact, off from this point forward. i hereby lay all my preconceived notions down and pledge to STOP making assumptions. it's just really best for everyone concerned to take it one day, one hour, one step at a time. anything else would be just premature.

and besides, knowing what i know about me, sometimes being utterly in the dark is the only way to go. it helps you know exactly what light is when you finally come upon it.

carolina in my mind

hey y'all. i'm back from a week away in asheville, nc, with salimah and my folks. sorry for not writing sooner, but frankly, i needed 24 hours to just sit with myself back in this city once again before really interacting with the blog world. to be honest, i'm super bummed to be home. in fact, the concept of 'home' changed for me while i was away. i started to feel like our little mountain cabin was where i should be starting each morning and ending each day. and other than inadequate lighting on the first floor and poor cell phone reception, the place was simply ideal. warm, comfy furniture, wood everywhere (even my bed was made of logs!), quiet surroundings, lovely view (all trees). oh, how i miss it already!

i have never needed a vacation quite like i did this one (and i know salimah felt the same). i didn't miss anything of my real life and forgot, even, that i had asked a friend to check my mail. when she called to let me know she'd done it, it took me a full 30 seconds to figure out what she could possibly mean. now, to be fair, i also may have been in a nyquil haze (yes, kids, i got sick AGAIN while i was down there, and this time, it was BAD), but really, my world view had changed.

i journaled a bit while i was down there. tried to encapsulate bits and pieces of moments. perhaps i'll share them here, perhaps not, but suffice it to say that amidst the touring around, eating of yummy food, and learning about various aspects of our nation's history, i gathered up the crumbs of disappointment i'd been carrying around in the pockets and folds of my clothes, and i sprinkled them onto those mountains...left some things behind...let them go - i hope - for good. and in their place, i picked up bits of the smokies, the mountain air, the peace all around me. i drenched myself in it. i drank and ate and breathed it in until it seeped from my pores.

and two days out from the experience, i'm still carrying carolina around with me. i can still smell the cabin's wood on my clothes. my voice still holds a bit of the lilt i love so much. my speech and thoughts are slower, more at ease. i want to hold onto that place...to those mountains...and all the smells, sounds, feelings, thoughts, dreams, jokes, tastes - all of it.

in the coming days and weeks, i'm sure that baltimore will seem more like home to me again, but if you're really looking to find me around, know that i'm not so much here anymore. i'm in a little cafe drinking chai, reading a used cookbook, eating a piece of decadent, handmade chocolate, gazing at the mist over the mountains, and talking to some lovely southerner with miles of stories to tell. yeah, that sounds just about right to me....