okay, so, yeah....

i'm so seriously sore right now, i can't even tell you. today was the third big workout in a row, and i think i'm really gonna have to take tomorrow off. i mean, no lie. my legs are HURTING. i wonder if this is because of my new shoes. my body is like, 'what are you doing with my arches - giving them this support? i shall rebel by making you HURT.'

my body is a pain in my butt. seriously.

on top of it, it's been a rough day otherwise. i'm thinking i'll turn in early tonight and try to sleep my blues away.

oh, but one thing: the asian chicken salad (with grilled chix, of course) from mcdonald's is ACTUALLY pretty good. and not bad for you. and filling. at least temporarily. the bear in my stomach is already growling again, and it's only been 1.5 hours since eating. dude. this working out thing is some serious biz.

before bedtime

today was a good day. i started it off with an early morning hour-long workout, followed that by a yummy breakfast burrito (whole wheat tortilla, scrambled eggs, cuban black beans, lite cheese, lite sour cream, and salsa) and some grapefruit juice, watching a movie with my best friend, a nice hot shower, a quickie nap, and then a shopping trip out with salimah and a friend from work, whose birthday present to me this year was a pair of new athletic shoes (the specific shoe i got was the adrenaline). the store we went to was fabulous, because the owners waited on us, and i got a REAL shoe fitting and an assessment of what my feet are doing these days (i had my theories, but it was nice to have someone else substantiate them). basically, i've been having some heel/arch pain for awhile (plantar fasciitis), and she totally nailed the reason why and gave me a shoe that will address my problem. also, i got some swell inserts for extra support and three pairs of fantastic socks that feel like a dream. i can't wait to get back on the treadmill tomorrow!!

anyway, after a quick trip to the store and a short visit at salimah's apartment, i headed back home for an easy dinner (chicken sausage, curried rice, and roasted carrots), after which i watched a truly dumb but slightly heartwarming movie. now i'm readying myself for sleep, because morning (as always) comes early. i feel gratified by what i've been able to accomplish over the last couple of days, but if i'm being honest, there's a bit of loneliness mixed in with the satisfaction.

*sigh* no sense in dwelling on it. i'm off to bed. 'night, world....

back on track (or tread, as the case may be)

this morning i slept in a little - until 8:30 - and then got up, took a shower, and headed off to the gym. after two days off, i wasn't sure how i would feel getting back onto the treadmill. the answer was clear: i felt fantastic. i did an hour and then came back home for a protein-intensive late breakfast (i had eaten a clif bar beforehand), and then i watched a movie and took a nap (early afternoon naps are THE best). honestly, exercise exhausts me...but in a good way.

so, now i'm off to shower again, get salimah, and then later we're scheduled to have dinner with an old friend, her hubby, and their new baby.

what i can't help but be amazed at, though, is the fact that if one makes the decision to put one's body on a schedule, one's body eventually has no choice but to comply. that is glorious - to be in charge. with every step on the treadmill, every calorie burned, i thanked God that i have the choice to take charge or not. and i'm taking it.

reprieve

okay, so i took the evening off from the gym. this morning, i woke up in PAIN. the soreness from day 2 of working out was kicking my butt, majorly. that, and i have blisters on the bottoms of my feet. i'm telling you - it's NOT good.

anyway, my body will have to get over itself, because i'm GOING to the gym tomorrow (assuming i can walk by then!!). i'm also supposed to get some new shoes this weekend. can't tell you how much i'm looking forward to that....

in other news, it's raining in baltimore, baby (thank you, adam duritz). actually more like POURING. it's good, though. i'm sure we need it....

final sidebar comment: i'm craving crabcakes.

thank you, and goodnight.

dude

the elliptical kicked my butt. i couldn't stay on more than a few minutes. it's simply not meant to be yet; i was out of breath within like 20 seconds, i think. SO not easy.

so, in lieu of that, i got on the treadmill for 45 minutes. now, for me, that's a long time to be walking without stopping. it felt great, though. i was sufficiently sweaty by the end of it and felt pretty good throughout. in fact, i didn't start coughing until after i got OFF the machine. i'm determined to sweat the remnants of this bronchitis out of my body....

and the best part is that i was SUPER angsty/antsy all day, and being on that machine listening to hip-hop cured me of the angst. at least for now. we'll see what tomorrow brings. but thankfully, i can go to the gym whenever i want....

why do i have a feeling they're going to be seeing a lot of me?:)

'the race is not given to the swift, but to the one who endureth....'

it took me getting sick to realize that i've been running rabidly on this track, trying to move super quickly to where it is that i want to be. and my reasons are quite reasonable, really. there are parts of me that are ready for the things i've wanted for so long....

enter, stage left, a long weekend and a major bout of bronchitis to bring things into focus....

it took me a few days to realize that the things i was feeling weren't just fear and anxiety over bits and pieces of circumstance but instead were the pervasive truth speaking to me in clear and undulating waves: i'm not ready.

i fought against it, wanting to believe it wasn't true. wanting to be wrong, just this once. i wasn't wrong. how can your soul - informed by God himself - be wrong when it's telling you to slow your roll?

note to the stubborn: being arrested into bed by coughing fits and an upset stomach will clinch the deal if you're refusing to listen.

*cough* i'm getting better at hearing, now, thanks....

so my roll has been sufficiently slowed. sure, it's scary. i don't know what i might lose in the process of pacing myself, but what's even more than that, it's occurring to me that i should be excited for all that i will gain. besides, i've set some very aggressive goals for myself for the next six months, and to achieve them, i've got to put my head down and push forward with all my might....which, by the way, is what i intend to do.

so, now that my feet are more firmly planted on a level path, i'm moving forward - one foot in front of the other. and yes, slowly but surely.

contract

as of about 11:30 today, i'm now the proud owner of a 1-year gym membership. i'm so excited about this, i can't even tell you. now, if i could just get to a place where i can actually breathe, things would be much, much better for me....

slowly but surely, though, i'm getting better. i haven't had any type of upper respiratory infection in a year and a half, so this illness of mine has definitely given me a run for my money. tonight, for instance, my lungs have actually started making groaning sounds. not particularly cool....

but, i'm hopeful that this week, i can start moving in a cardiovascularly effective way....i'm feeling a workout mix coming on....

abs of steel

i have been joking with my coworkers over the last couple of days that at the VERY least, i'm getting a serious ab workout from all the coughing i've been doing. um, okay, so i'm not really kidding. my stomach muscles hurt in that 'i've been doing 200 crunches a day' kind of way. yes, i've been coughing that much. last night, it was so bad, i just couldn't get it to stop for awhile. i was on the phone with salimah, and she began to think i was crying, because the coughing kind of morphed into this sort of sob-like sound. it was just me trying to breathe. at least this is what i would have told her if i COULD HAVE.

really, i'm fine now. well, not so much, really. but i will be. at least i hope i will be....

also

okay, i don't mean to detract from my more 'skimming below the surface' post from earlier this evening, but can i just say that i have a love-hate relationship with sushi? like, for example, i love the taste of some sushi. love it when there are interesting sauces and flavors in it, but i hate raw fish and i also hate how thirsty it makes me. even with low sodium soy sauce, i still feel the need to drink a gallon of water when i'm finished. and furthermore, i don't stay full very long.

my point: i just had a nearly 20-dollar sushi dinner (2 'fancy-ish' rolls), and to be honest, i could eat a burger right now.

is it really worth it? okay, kind of. but also, it wasn't even my most favorite sushi hana (which, really, is SO worth the 60 bucks spent on lunch or dinner for 2 - so delish) in towson.

okay, so enough of my rant. i just had to express. sushi, if i'm being honest, i wish i had more of ye....

paint your life

there's a point at which your life is either art or it isn't. where YOU, as an artist, are either an artist or you aren't. i've been content with allowing myself to think of myself as less than what i am for too long. and now that i realize who i am and what i am, so much more makes sense to me.

i may not be the best painter or writer or singer (although i CAN sing and i CAN write and i CAN cook - painting - notsomuch), but i am still an artist. at my core, this is part of what defines me. it may not be what puts meat on my table at any point in my life, but it also may just be....and i'm open to that. i've cracked the door to being used for my artistic gifts rather than just my more 'practical' ones. the arts are what light me up inside - not being able to administrate some tasks or figure out how things ought to run.

this weekend, someone from my past (a friend of sorts, but also a friend of a friend) found me. it was very out of the blue, very unexpected, and more than a little unsettling, only because he reminds me of a time that is long over for me (but from which i'm still kind of recovering, still hiding out from, in parts). it occurs to me that maybe he's recovering, too. in fact, i wonder if he's seeking solace in another escapee from a life once lived. and as i mused earlier in an e-mail trail with salimah: 'he's trying to reconnect with his wounded artist self. dude, he's a freaking refugee. who isn't at this point?'

i, however, am coming out of hiding. i speak only for me in this, but it is the truth indeed.

taking a step back

you know, upon further examination of my life, it has come to my attention that i am in need of a redirection. what this means, dear readership, is something that will not make sense to most of you. but to me (and to the one other person in my world who will 'get it'), it means that i'm going undercover. deep, deep undercover. and when i emerge, you won't recognize me anymore.

p.s. this has nothing to do with my blog. thank you and have a nice day.

the living dead

i'm officially completely and totally ill. i went to a patient first on monday morning and got some antibiotics, a new inhaler, and some cough syrup that makes me hallucinate. it's a good thing, too, because the congestion in my chest is so severe that i spent all of yesterday hardly breathing. when i got home from work, i got into bed (it was 5:05 p.m.) and didn't move until 5:45 this morning. i know i had at least 2 phone conversations sometime during the evening, although i couldn't tell you what was said to me or what nonsense i mumbled. i had very wacked out dreams about running into old friends from high school, one of whom was very blonde and white and had turned into a black man. then there was a whole plot about some man cheating on his wife (bette midler was in this one) and i was supposed to help catch him in the act. don't ask where this all came from.

i'm not going to work today because a) i can't breathe still, b) i'm doped out on the cough crack, and c) i feel wretched. so, i'm going to wend my way back to bed and lie there for the rest of the day, hoping that sleep and stillness will restore my tired self....

it's 5:45 a.m. and i'm wide awake. well, perhaps 'wide' isn't really the way to describe it. but yes, awake nevertheless....

in a little while, my mom (who stayed with me last night) will leave for philadelphia (although i will see her again on sunday) and not long after that, i will leave for the airport.

the weekend ahead will be busy - to be sure - but it is my prayer that in the midst of it, there will be much clarity, restfulness, and comfort. not to mention good food, laughter, and some amount of age-appropriate whimsy (which, if you know me, you know that i am ALL about):).

here's to something unexpected yet finally familiar....

and as i drove myself back home

a little voice said "just be alone"

but sometimes i think

i see you in a crowd

it's not picture perfect

you're just meant for me somehow

and i'll miss you till i meet you

oh i'll miss you till i meet you

i miss you all the time....

if you had asked me a few months ago if i'd be in any way ready to stand on the edge of the unknown once again and allow my foot to cross that line into possibility, i would have thought you were nuts. after a particularly difficult fall, i'd given my own heart at least a year to find all the pieces of itself that seemed to be on the floor. but a strange thing happened. others came alongside me and picked pieces up with me. we gathered them all together and i spent some time and tears and anger and confusion lining up the jagged edges and matching sides. and somewhere just as spring began to arrive, i realized that i had, too.

so then i spent some months praying and thanking God for how far He'd brought me, never thinking for a moment that i would be doing anything but staying right here for several more moons. i'll just be alone for awhile, i thought, because it made sense to me to grow comfortable in my solitary - although filled with friends - life and just be me without anyone else. and not only did it make sense, but it was what i wanted at the time. i felt glad to be unentangled, able to focus on just God and my friends and my own tired heart.

and it was during that time that i decided to change my life once and for all. not because of anyone or in spite of anyone or with the hope of anyone. but because of ME and in spite of ME and with the hope of the ME i've always wanted to become. and in the months (just about 2) that i've been on this path, i've lost some weight (almost 30 pounds, actually), lost some more baggage, and gained so much more than i could imagine.

what began to characterize my life was such brazen hope, i had never seen the likes of this in my own heart. i found myself praying on the way to work: God, i believe with all that i am that what you have for me is BEAUTIFUL. and i'm excited to receive it and participate in it and bless You and others with it. but i also don't want it until You are ready. i see now that i never did really trust You. i see that i was willing to settle for less than what i needed. i see now that my lack of faith nearly cost me everything. thank You for saving me from myself once again....

finding myself in this place where i was at rest...at peace...and needing nothing but the air in my lungs and the hope in my heart altered my world in such a profound way, there really aren't words to fully explain it. but one thing i knew for certain: i was never going back. and no person, no fear, no circumstance was ever going to hold me captive again - nor derail me - from experiencing the life that God has planned for me.

and then, in a quiet sort of way, the possibility of a relationship presented itself in front of me. and yes, it's still very tenuous in some ways and very new and very 'we'll just wait and see what happens,' but it's about more than that for me. my heart is open to possibility...to something real and abiding and unexpected and lovely. and i'm not afraid of it. i'm just allowing my heart to be moved by the hand of God...which is all i've ever really wanted anyway. besides, whatever happens, i know who i am. nobody can take truth from you once it's made its home in your heart.

but in the mean time.....and this is to you....i already feel so at home with you. i love praying with you and hearing about your day and the way you make me laugh and the sound of your voice saying my name. thank you for your encouragement and friendship and for teasing me and being silly and for speaking truth when i'm anxious and for getting yourself to my door in two more days.....i'll miss you till then:).

i guess once your foot has crossed that line, there's no turning back (not that i would want to). at least if you're like me, a chance for love is worth a few risks, even despite past hurts and difficulties. so, i'm going to walk this path God has prepared and see where it leads....and wherever i wind up, i'll be okay - more than okay, really - because my heart is whole, my footing secure, my goals clearly in sight, and my future well in hand....

you rise and meet the day....

well before my alarm, i was lying in bed, fast asleep, when i felt a voice rise up inside me: get up. so i took a shower, prayed awhile about the upcoming week (and weekend), and have been sitting here for the last few minutes feeling rather calm. at peace. this is not something i have always been able to take for granted.

i had kind of an emotional weekend, actually. friday night, as i mentioned before, i hit kind of a "mood snag." okay, what was actually going on was that i felt depression trying to knock at the door of my heart. but thankfully, i was able to inform it of its place and did not let it in. and with the help of two very dear friends, i got my house in order this weekend - including throwing out papers that have sat untouched for over a year (it's amazing how much time i spent helping others organizing their lives while mine stayed slightly disheveled).

at some point in the midst of cleaning yesterday, i found some old pictures and as salimah and i looked through them, we both started crying. it hit me in that moment how much i've been through in the last 5 years...how much pain and sadness characterized my life for so long. it hurts me to look back and realize how awful i felt all of the time. and it's such a stark contrast to my life these days. what a miracle, really....

post-crying, i've got to say, i felt infinitely better. all the emotional build-up from earlier in the weekend was released, and i had such a fresh, clean feeling in my soul....which, i might add, is reflected beautifully in my now tidy, vacuumed apartment:).

so this morning, the sun is shining and i am realizing that i really am through the worst of this storm. sure, sometimes it rains on me for an hour, a day, but it's really not the same as before. it's really, really not. and now i'm ready to face the day, with all that it will bring. and i have some things....or someone, i should say....to look forward to later in the week:). but meanwhile, i will dress and eat breakfast and drive up the highway to my job and think about the possibilities of a day....of a life with more sun than clouds....

just in case anyone was wondering

i absolutely LOVE my pure grapefruit sugar scrub from bath and body works. it smells heavenly, leaves my skin feeling well moisturized, and is assisting with a now-peeling sunburn from the crab feast just over a week ago. and who - tell me - wouldn't want to smell like citrus fruit all day??

i'm just sayin....

make a joyful noise

here's the truth: because of the events that have transpired in my life over the last 6 or so years, an integral part of me went underground. for awhile, it was because i was distracted and stressed out. then, things got much worse and in the darkness of my circumstances, it was purely for survival. at times, this silent place inside myself would rise up and cry out but then quickly retreat out of fear. and it's amazing that, once you get used to a certain way of living, it seems only natural to just keep going. but thank GOD that He is not content with such a way of thinking. and so, for nearly the last year, He has sought to bring me back out into the light, so to speak. to dig around in the back of closets untouched in forever. to find the treasured things that need a bit of polishing but are ready to put on display.

in short, i am waking up inside.

this morning, while in the shower, i was praying for someone who has become very important in my life, and i began to realize that i was singing. now, for those of you who know me a bit, this may not seem strange to you. but what you may not know is that, for a LONG time, i haven't really sung during those moments of quiet and solitude that only being in the shower can bring. and that's where - in the past - worship would well up inside of me and spill out among the water droplets. but in recent years, i have been mostly dry, and the cleansing waters have taken nothing down the drain with them but soap and the grime of the day. today, though, there was joy pouring down. there was faith and hope and thanksgiving and release. and the song coming from my throat wasn't just a familiar melody. it was a familiar strain....the kind of noise that only comes from knowing where i've been...from what i've been delivered. it felt like truth. it was truth.

i'm not sure precisely what kind of noise i've been making for years, but i'm certain that much of it has been less than joyful. much of it has been tired and weary and sad and plowed under. if i've even made any noise at all. i've been remembering, though, the fact that i was created for noises that transcend the here and now....that connect this broken vessel with the One who is whole and can put (and is putting) me back together. it is He who put a song in my heart...and in my mouth.

and, my friends, it is clear to me that the time has come for singing once again.

with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go....

today after work, i experienced a bit of a mood snag. okay, this is an understatement. i actually had a foot-twitchingly, face-flushingly anxious hour-long dinner at panera with a good friend who tried her best to encourage me, to little avail.

sometimes it is a sobering thought to look forward at your life and realize how many more steps it will take to reach a particular goal. it's in those times that, i find, it's imperative to turn around and look at how far you've come already. without a memory of where we've been, it's impossible to get a true vision for where we're going.

so tonight, after freaking out, i've turned around and picked my head up, and upon further examination, the road behind me actually looks far more rocky than the one ahead. and thank God for that.

exceedingly abundantly

here's something i'm learning: God's gifts really are extravagant. and when they show up in the form of another person, something about it seems all the more sweet.

i'm on the edge of something here. something bigger than me or my plans or thoughts or what i might have expected. and i couldn't be more excited. or grateful. or humbled. or...speechless.

connection

i left baltimore around 7:30 this evening and drove to richmond through periods of rain and traffic. the whole way down, i was on complete autopilot as i cruised down i-95. at one point, my mom called to ask me where i was, and i had to confess: i didn't even know. i knew only how many minutes had passed since i had left home, and that, in fact, was only because i had the clock in front of me. the hour i had spent in the car had flown by in what seemed like a matter of minutes.

the reason for all of this, really, is that i was having a conversation with someone who gets me. this person is someone i've known for a short time, but feel like has been in my life for years. i can't really explain how that feels - to be understood like that. it is, in short, delightful. and it made a 3-hour drive seem short. so short that i actually drove slowly around my parents' neighborhood for 5 extra minutes just so that i didn't have to say good-bye quite yet....

so, to you, and you know who you are: i am so grateful to have you in my life. thank you for sharing yourself so truthfully with me. i cannot wait to see what's next.

:)