'hi, my name's sarah, and i am a listaholic....'

as i type this, i'm realizing that i'm about to get myself into trouble. there is this thing rising inside of me...this unnameable thing...this thing that drives me to...well...write lists.

i love lists. shopping lists. to-do lists. packing lists. lists of likes/dislikes. give me some lists, people. oh sure, i love well-crafted prose, flowing lines of artistic verbage, etc. but when it comes time for some stuff to get done, give me a list.

and often, even without trying, i will start a list in my head and within about 12 seconds will overwhelm myself and then be forced to distract myself so that i don't think about the list anymore. but yet i always find my way back there.

so just now, before my fingers hit the keys, i was sitting here realizing that i have/want to do the following things (in no particular order):

1. redesign this page
2. paint my spare bedroom
3. buy paint for said bedroom (really, this must go before #2)
4. clean my kitchen
5. file/organize my papers
6. figure out travel arrangements for trip to the west coast this summer/early fall
7. get some start-up stuff done for freelance business
8. decide whether or not i can afford to get highlights in march and then potentially change my hair appointment
9. file my nails
10. call my uncle about an upcoming visit from him and my cousin
11. box up some books i'm not going to read anytime soon
12. rearrange my living room (this one's a maybe)
13. figure out whether it's feasible to buy a tivo anytime in the near future (and if so, buy it)
14. eat dinner

yeah, so i'm sure you can see that there's too much to do and where does one begin and holy cow i'm starting to get overwhelmed just talking about it. this is why it's great for me to have my lists contain one item so that i can accomplish the item and move on to another list. really, though, when your brain works like mine, it's severely hard to keep the list-making at bay.

perhaps i'll start a support group: listmakers anonymous. but that would shoot myself in the foot, right? because that would have to be item 15.

oy vey.

a murder of one

i'm working from home today, which turned out to be a great idea, because a) i have a ton of work to do and being at the office is too distracting, and b) i got really sick in the middle of the night last night and, therefore, didn't have the most restful night of sleep.

outside my window, a murder of crows is making the most horrendously loud noise. i swear, those birds have been hanging out around here a lot lately. they were especially obnoxious this weekend during the snowstorm. screeching and swooping. that seems to be all they're good at. oh yeah, and strutting around like they own the place.

anyway, i'm back to work. i'm hoping that some vintage michael jackson can get me through the rest of the morning without having to strangle a bird to death.

everybody gotta have a dream....

okay, so my hopes for a weather-free weekend were squelched when 18+ inches fell in my area between saturday and sunday. and even with that ridiculousness, work was fully on time this morning. exqueeze me? baking powder?

yeah, so this weekend was nice nevertheless. after a 2-hour trip to the grocery store on saturday (1 hour or more of which was spent standing in line waiting to pay), salimah and i made it home in the already-falling snow and proceeded to watch movies, eat yummy food (coconut and mango crusted tilapia; frittata with potatoes, sausage, and green onions; pot roast; delectable shrimp salad [if i do say so myself]), and just enjoy one another's company. the movie that i enjoyed in particular was 'hustle and flow.' it took an otherwise disturbing subject and treated the characters with enough respect that you actually felt something for them throughout the film. anyway, i wasn't sure about it at first, but i can honestly say that i really liked it. and furthermore, terrence howard is a good actor!

it was disappointing to see the weekend go, although i'm hopeful for the 50+ degree weather they're calling for by mid-week. i want the snow GONE. do you hear me? GONE.

happy monday! 24 is on tonight:).

forecast

okay, so between today and tonight, we're supposed to get up to a foot of snow. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, you read it here. actually, unless you're somewhere living under a rock, you've heard about it 100 times over by now....

last night, i went to play bingo for charity with some coworkers. it was looking bleak for me until, about 7 games in, i realized that i was 1 away from bingo, and within 3 seconds of that realization, he called out my number. people, let me tell you: you have never heard 'BINGO' exclaimed with such fervor as how i called it into the echoing hall (okay, i'm being dramatic here, but suffice it to say, it was no small victory). i made my way to the prize table and surveyed the goods that were left. i chose dinner for 2 at gertrude's restaurant at the BMA, which also included 4 passes (i guess those other two losers will have to go home without dinner;)) to the BMA itself and a signed cookbook by maryland chef john shields.

so, after sleeping in a bit later than normal this morning, i'm off to hang out with the illustrious 'kate krupnik' as we await the impending 'frozen tundra,' which, frankly, i'd be lying if i told you i wanted anywhere near me. i mean, really....old man winter, please don't come knocking at my door. i've got too much to do and no time for the likes of your frosty self....

it iz what it iz

my life right now is one page after another of words and words and more words that may or may not make sense, but i mark them and move them and move on. and once i'm done reading, there are song refrains that just keep looping and filling up the spaces of dead air in my head.

and in between, there are pockets of being in my apartment, watching tv, talking with the near and dear, dreaming about redecorating, wondering how i'm going to drum up some more biz for myself, dreading the cleaning that perpetually waits, hoping like mad that i win big at the charity bingo this friday nite, sleeping fits and waking up thirsty.

don't get me started on everything. it's ennui and madness all rolled into one. it's lonely and fed up and strangely calm and i don't even know. it's hip-hop and slow groove and country twang and why do these earbuds hurt my freaking ears?

it's where are you and why am i and oh God, i don't even know.

project

today i'm supposed to go to ikea and a few other places to try and find some random items i've been needing for awhile. one thing on the 'must have' list is some large-sized frames for some poster art that needs to be hung up. another is a clock for the living room. i'm also going to pick up some paint swatches from home depot so that i can start planning what exactly i'm going to do with my spare bedroom (my current vision is to use it as a crafty room with a table and some type of organizational system for storing all my paper goods, paints, etc. i'm also hoping to find - at some point - a futon or small sofa bed so that i can still entertain overnight guests and have a place to chill in there).

my two top color choices for the walls are either sage green or a very gray-based lavender. i want the room to soothe the nerves. mine are frayed way too often these days.

in other news, i may be rearranging my living room at some point, but i wouldn't encourage anyone to hold any breath over it. all my plans are long-range; i have enough creativity to think on them, but not always enough follow-through to execute right away. but hey, i'm making progress. at least i know where i feel i want to go. and, as the old sage (g.i. joe) once said, 'knowing is half the battle.'

true dat.

'i gave her my heart; she gave me a pen....'

yeah, except in my case, it was a piece of chocolate. and it was a 'he' and not a 'her.' whatever.

oh, dear readers, if only you knew how much i have bottled up inside right now. if you only knew....

litany

yesterday, i did some very helpful packing; i collected things and wrapped them into boxes so that they can stop taking up my breathing room. and i'd like to tell you that i did it with a heart of kindness and generosity, but that, my friends, would be simply untrue. the truth--however unpleasant it is--is that i did this because i was the only one who would in this scenario. and, i admit, that is how it all too often goes in my life: i am left behind to pick up the pieces from someone else's bad decisions, cowardice, or general ennui--whether my heart is broken or not (and, who are we kidding, it always is)--and i've gotten frighteningly good at it.

oh, it's true....i could tell my sad, sad tales and someone out there might even bend his or her heart in some type of sympathetic gesture, but it wouldn't really change anything. it surely wouldn't change me, or my mind, or my heart, or the fact that there are boxes of someone else's things in my spare bedroom that--in all honesty--i never expected to have to pack up alone.

i may not know much from my 30+ years of existence, but i do know one thing: i am not interested in one more person walking out my door and telling me that whatever we had just wasn't 'enough,' or that things weren't 'right' or 'ready' or whatever the new lingo is on that particular day. please, men of the world, DO NOT tell me what you want from a future with me if you aren't willing to make good on it. and if i look you in the eye and say that i don't want to hear i love you from another man who cannot or will not hold up his end of the bargain, DO NOT SPEAK THOSE WORDS unless you intend to be the man who won't leave me with his stuff to pack into boxes.

God, there are so many reasons why i ask that you not bring me back to this place again. you know them all, but the only one i can think of is please, just don't.

just breathe

last night, salimah and i stopped off at the whole foods in mt. washington to pick up a few items for dinner (a light one, since we're both still dealing with vestiges of the stomach flu). when we left, the sun had truly begun to set, and the rain clouds that had been grousing in the sky had begun to part in such a stark way that the sky was half fading blue, half charcoal-gray cloud, with a pink-lavender sheen that was so magnificent, it transfixed me. and as we made our way back to the car, the breeze was so cool and fresh that i couldn't help but breathe deeply, over and over. in the sky, a plane was cutting a path straight for that cloud formation. it was art, i tell you. sheer brilliance.

so brilliant, in fact, that some photographer was standing in the parking lot trying to capture the wonder of it all. and in his rapture, he, too, was photograph-worthy.

what affected me most about that moment, though, was the fact that i realized something: in that 30-second interval, i felt more alive than i had in months. i can't say that it was any one of those things that did it; maybe it was simply the combination of the parts. i don't know why, really. but i knew that i was grateful to feel that wind and see those colors and be there, just as i was, not needing anything more in that moment than the air in my lungs and the heart beating furiously in my chest.

i find errors for a living

yeah, so in my work as an editor, i've begun to realize something about myself: i notice wayyyy too much. sure, sure, it's super handy that i can point out if you make a grammatical misstep, but i mean things beneath the surface. like nuance-y things. things that make you go, 'hmmm....'

i'm starting to wonder if there is happiness to be found in being oblivious...if ignorance is, in fact, bliss. i mean, a lot of people i know who have accomplished their professional goals, gotten married, and are vacationing once a year in someplace sunny are actually rather NOT tuned in to the world around them.

i'm sure i'm talking crazy here, but has it ever occurred to anyone else that if you could just stop coming to realizations, stop figuring out 'the truth' about a situation, stop finding the errors in a manuscript, a movie, a relationship that you would just be happier and perhaps even more well-adjusted? it's starting to occur to me.

now i just have to figure out how to overlook the flaws. or maybe look at them differently. see them as beautiful? appreciate them for what they are? sure, okay. i could do that. as long as they don't involve improper use of a colon, errant comma splices, and dangling participles.

maybe this is about me coming to terms with my own flawed self. the mistakes i've made (and they are legion). the ways in which i've failed to grow up. i'm 30 years old. i feel like i don't know what i'm even doing with myself. or what i'm supposed to do. who it is that i'm supposed to become. how to feel. how to look. how to be.

i know what's wrong with me--what's wrong with my life. what i need to know is what is right. i'm sick of scavenging for pitfalls. i want to build mountains, change my surroundings, kick things up several notches. could someone just please tell me what to do?

no such luck, i suppose. it's yet another thing i've got to figure out on my own and for myself. i suppose i should be thankful, though. at least i know what not to do....

if i could put on this screen all that has transpired in my head over the last few days (and even this very night), there would be a long commitment on your part, dear reader, to get through it all. suffice it to say that i have realized one thing for sure: i am supposed to be alone in this season of my life. God has NEVER had my undivided attention in which i wasn't concocting some other plan for myself, and He is clearly over it.

and so it comes to this. the rug (which i have done my very best to straighten and place 'just so') has been pulled out from under me again (read: over and over for the last four months), and i am faced with lots of questions and very few answers. except this i know: i have been parading myself through carnival-esque funhouses (which weren't so fun after all) and looking in trick mirrors to try and rightly see the truth about myself. suffice it to say it didn't work so well.

i get it now. i see what You've been doing here. i'm ready to listen, Lord.

so speak.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

last night, while i was preparing for a dear friend to come over, i was listening to eva cassidy's songbird. this woman (who died at the young age of 33 in 1996) has a voice that pulls at the deeper places inside of me. there is a mournful quality which, i find, is what draws me in when someone is singing. it's the reason i love karen carpenter so much. it's the reason that, as a child, i felt like she and i got each other.

and then there's rich mullins. he wasn't a great singer, but the man sure knew how to write, and i often felt the pain that lingered behind the joy as he sang about the intricacies of trying to navigate a faith-driven life on this earth. he was raw and real and not trying to pretend that life was covered in this crispy, sugary shell (often labeled 'joy') that so many christians try and project.

i have struggled against that shell for the entirety of the 12+ years since i came to Christ. in fact, a few years ago, a small group of which i was a part took a kind of 'faith survey' to see where we stood in mirroring the aspects of God in our lives. and whoever wrote this test fashioned it in such a way that almost none of us in the group had what was supposedly considered much in the way of joy. (for the record, i'm not sure i agree with that, but i was a willing participant in all this, so i wasn't trying to be argumentative.) so, as a way to 'help' us, we decided to read some book on joy by chuck swindoll (i believe). now, not to knock the man, but i found the book to be shallow and in no way representative of most people's honest experiences.

it seems to me that it's quite simple for many believers to feel that they are joyful when what is really going on is that they haven't been experiencing anything that difficult in their lives recently (or when they do, they push the feelings away because they feel they're wrong or 'sinful') and so it becomes fairly easy to live the crisp and sugary life. and those poor souls who are deep in the midst of their grief, hurt, anger, depression, etc. in an authentic way are basically told, in subtle and unsubtle ways, that they are 'missing the mark,' need to be reading their bible more, aren't really projecting that 'joy of the Lord.' and of course it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how quickly this leads to discouragement and feelings of inadequacy and condemnation (which, of course, are 'sinful' in themselves).

the truth is that there is real joy to be found in the depths of pain and suffering. there is singing inside of prison walls. there is hope in blindness and confusion. there is life in the midst of death. and it doesn't matter what kind of songs you sing, books you read, phrases you utter, movies you watch, friends you hang out with, places you go: if you aren't living in the REALness of the human experience, there is no way to experience true joy. God is glorified in the midst of suffering. God makes beauty out of ashes and he turns angry, hate-filled people into kings and great leaders. God isn't shocked by your 'bad attitude' or your lack of trust in Him. because if you have turned your life over to Him, even if it takes years, there is always an end to the trials. but it takes work to walk through them to the end. and often it seems easier to talk yourself out of the experiences rather than to run the race. but God knows what's really going on inside that heart of yours, so you might as well get to work on really living your way through your life so that you might have a fighting chance of being transformed into the image of Him at the end of it.

so what does this have to do with eva cassidy and karen carpenter? maybe not a lot. except that i'm tired of the bullcrap of sugar-coated life. i can't tolerate it, and i will not sign my name on the dotted line of any organization that lives it. so many of us on this earth are existing inside of shells because we know we 'should' be better. well, we're NOT better. deal with it. only God can fix what's wrong, and the longer we pretend, the longer we fail to experience real joy.

the day that i spoke aloud the truth of what i was holding inside is the day that i started on the road to freedom in Christ, to living the life that i was meant to lead. and i don't care who i offend as i walk along that road, because i'd rather find myself a real person at the end of it - someone whose face shines with God's beauty and not the world's.

in the meantime, i'll sing my sad songs and i'll cry my tears, and i'll scream out my frustrations into the darkness. and God will love me through it. He's big enough.

and now, the end is near....

it's official: 2005 is just about 14 hours from being over. can i be honest? i'm relieved....

this year has seen its share of heartaches, not just for me and for my immediate friends, but for the entire world community. tsunami. hurricanes. terrorist attacks. mass devastation. political upheaval. war. the end of eras - both relational and otherwise. many would say that these are signs of the end times. some may be right.

but really, every day is one step closer to 'the end': the longer you live, the closer you get. but even with that understanding, every new year's eve holds inside of itself the totality of all that has come and gone in the previous 364 days - along with the possibility that, come tomorrow, things can be different for us. we get the chance to start over, to reinvent ourselves, to pass through another 365 days and maybe make it without too many tears or too much tragedy.

i'm not going to make any proclamations about what i will accomplish this year. i know myself well enough to know that doing such a thing often sets me up to fail. i will only say this: for the new year, i have hope. there dwells in my heart the trembling possibility that when i reach this day in 2006, my life will not look like it does right now. heck, perhaps even i will not look like i do right now. and today i will bow my head in prayer for all the people in this world who are beginning their 2006 still very much in the throes of a devastating reality. my hope for them is that they would draw from God's strength and love for them - to rise above their circumstances and be at peace.

tonight i will spend my new year's with my best friend - counting my blessings (which, really, are so many). we plan on catching a movie and probably dinner (not necessarily in that order), but first we have a bit of shopping to do and tooling around town.

i'm choosing to dwell in today. in thankfulness. in possibility.

happy new year's, everyone. may your 2006 bring you joy.

joy is born this day

Jesus, on this day that we celebrate Your birth, I pray You would reign in us -- in our thoughts, our hearts, our circumstances, our world. be close to those who have lost their way, to those who are sick or hungry or hurting. have mercy on our nation for all that takes place here every minute of every day -- in all the ways that we dishonor You.

help us to understand the miracle of Your love for us. a love so great that it caused You to humble Yourself and take the form of the least of us that we might become great in You. may the silence of that moment, the peace and wonder of that child, quiet our hearts this day.

may the peace of His love comfort you. may you know His presence. may you glimpse His glory. may joy be born in you this day.

merry CHRISTmas.

okay, okay, so it's been forever. sorry about that. i've been in a haze, i think. let's see. what's new?

1. i got new glasses. they're fabu. i can actually see better now:).

wait, i thought there was going to be a list, but then i realized that absolutely nothing of interest has happened in my life over the last several weeks. i'm just gearing up for a weekend of holiday baking. and speaking of baking, i just finished my cake decorating class (pics may be forthcoming). it was actually really fun. i may need to take the second level (there are three total in the wilton series). i've gotten a lot of compliments on the three creations i've brought in to work, so who knows? i could make some moula off of this interest at some point....:)

christmas is just around the corner. a bare tree stands in my living room. pretty par for the course these days.

'tis the season to be something or other. i'm not sure what. but one thing i do know: Jesus has to be the reason, or there's really no reason at all....

haunted

last sunday, i was brunching with salimah and a friend of hers at the one world when suddenly she looked over my head and said, 'oh my gosh!' i asked her what was going on, and she said, 'mackenzie astin is right behind you.' i turned to see him, but the sun was shining so brightly, i couldn't make his face out, even though he was probably 2 feet from me, at the most. he then turned and walked out of the restaurant, and as he went through the door, i managed to catch the side of his face and realized that, in fact, it was him.

a few minutes later, he was back in, standing by the counter waiting for the order he had apparently placed. i was feeling distracted by our disengaged waiter and was more than a bit annoyed that i kept having to ask him for things that he should have been giving us as a matter of course. i had just asked him for some straws when a hand appeared around my shoulder and gave them to me. i realized in that moment that mackenzie astin had just handed me straws, but it struck me as so odd that i didn't really react - just said thanks and then went on about the conversation i was having with salimah and her friend.

suddenly i found myself being preoccupied with wanting to talk to him. okay, so a bit of background is in order: i faithfully watched 'the facts of life' as a young girl and was still a fan when he appeared for, i believe, three seasons between 1985 and 1988, along with a very young george clooney. i was an oddly sensitive child, and from the first time i saw him on tv, i always thought that there was something different about him...like he was very sensitive, too - or maybe lonely or sad - although i wasn't sure. and then, in the late 90s when he reappeared into my landscape in 'dream for an insomniac,' i remember being struck by that same feeling.

okay, so i'm sitting there feeling like i should talk to him, so i decided to say something particularly cheesy, in the hopes that he would find it somehow amusing and/or that it would make his day that someone remembered back to his early career. so i leaned over and told him that i appreciated him in the facts of life, to which he smiled, introduced himself, and then struck up a several minute conversation (including a really beautiful anecdote about 'dream for an insomniac,' which i also brought up). at the end of the brief exchange, he told us that he had to go and bring some stuff to his stepmother who was waiting outside, said he'd be back to town in the spring and that he might see me again, and then he was off.

okay, now why am i writing all this down? in truth, the fact that i met him doesn't really impact me because he's a celebrity (although for about a day afterward, i was feeling that 'wasn't that cool?' vibe) but instead because of that un-nameable thing that i sensed about him almost 20 years ago. it's still there. something about him seems alone and perhaps a bit sad - lost - i don't know. but i feel like he needs a friend, someone to lift him up in a way. this may seem weird, but i nearly invited him over for dinner before he walked out. i thought better of it, but now i wish i hadn't.

salimah saw him again tonight, smoking alone in the dark. she said hello, but he didn't hear her, and when she passed that way again, he was gone.

i hope i see him again. who knows if he'd remember my name, but i feel like there's something i have to say to him. maybe it's something he needs to hear.

seattle’s best

i watched the lovers lean in
to tell their delicious secrets–
the capped man beside them
oblivious and lost
in a metaphysical how-to manual.
the girls beside me pored over
the latest rags and celebrity gossip,
convinced they would never become
“so gross” as those overpriced and
underloved starlets
they secretly worship.
and earlier, the light on the bottles
of green and hibiscus teas
made me think of the tropics
and how i’d rather be there
basking in the late-day sun
than sitting here,
steeped in suburban ennui,
trying to capture a photo
of the dark-haired, disco-chic barista
who danced seductively to the jackson 5
and stevie wonder
while he frothed the milk
for my espresso dream.
he was hair gel and romance,
the memory of my early 20s–
of foolishness and unfettered desire,
dead-end jobs and high-end cocktails,
of yearning echoing
through a marble hotel lobby
the night i got drunk on my birthday
and sang a love song to a bartender
who would later remember me
as “the best ‘my funny valentine’ i ever heard.”
-sarah hedges 12 november 2005

somewhere behind the gray

as i sit at my desk and write this entry, the sky is filled with clouds. seriously, i look up and it is gray, gray, gray - so dank and depressing....but then there is this one small corner, behind which i can see that there's sun. the blue is peeking out, as if to remind me see? i'm still here. even if you can't see me, i haven't gone anywhere....

i'm reading this book right now, and i have to say: it's knocking my socks off. God is really using the words on these pages to speak to someplace deep inside of me, and i have to admit - it's hard to keep my eyes from welling up as i read each chapter. see, i've realized some things over the last couple of weeks, one of which is that i am on a quest to really find a part of myself that went missing about 26 years ago. that's a long time for something to be gone - so much so that no one would blame me if i just let it go and didn't stop to look back.

but it's not a matter of what i could do; it's a matter of what i WILL do. for the last five years, i've been looking for something, but i wasn't sure what exactly. now i have a vision for this un-nameable thing, a picture in my mind - if you will - so that when i see it, i will know it without question.

it must be this way. i am on a bullet train towards understanding, and even though there are times that get depressing and on days like today, it's looking like rain, i fully believe with my whole heart that the sun is gonna shine again....

summer's lease hath all too short a date....

okay, so it's officially fall. how do i know this? the preponderence of burning leaf smells and the fact that daylight savings time is kicking my butt.

i'm seriously tired this week. i'm not sure if it's because i got a flu shot on monday, or because of the time change, or because i'm just tuckered out from lots of thinking and feeling and being. sometimes life can just wear a girl out....

news flash: some dude from the hopkins annual fund just called me, and frankly, he was such a nice kid, i couldn't NOT give him money. we chatted for nearly half an hour about his first year at jhu, how he feels about the culture of the school, the urban legends on campus, etc. it brought me back to the days when i still felt like so many things were possible for me. not that i don't now, but 30 is a lot different than 18....

anyway, i've got the whole night to myself, so i'm going to eat some sushi and noodle salad from trader joe's, curl up with a book and some cooking shows, and ready myself for what i hope is a relaxing weekend. tomorrow i'm meeting up with an old friend, his wife, and their baby - who is, incidentally, so freaking cute, i could just die. i'll try to post pics if i'm able....

TGIF? oh yes, thank God indeed....