BIG night

last night, after a lovely afternoon of chatting and then a quick dinner at the one world café, salimah, a friend of mine from h.s., and i went to see baltimore's improv group give a show down in federal hill. the event raised about 700 bucks for hurricane katrina relief (quite good, considering it wasn't a big crowd, and the tix weren't that expensive either). it was a fun time and made me remember how much i love spontaneous comedic efforts.

during my freshman year at hopkins - before i got so stressed i could barely see straight - i tried out for the then-group malignant humor (which would later morph into the buttered niblets). needless to say, i didn't make it in, but that's probably a good thing, considering i had a major crisis about a month later (deaths in family) and had to leave school the next semester.

but i digress....

as i was saying, it's a really fun way to spend an evening, and the cool thing about a show like that is that it's different every time you go. they give classes a few times a year, and honestly, i've thought seriously about going the next time they're offered.

oh, and a complete sidebar unrelated to the above: i'm moving back home tonight. it's been over two weeks, and while it's a little weird, i feel ready to be back amidst my things. yesterday morning, i went grocery shopping at whole foods and the new trader joe's not 5 minutes from my apartment (YES!) and got stocked up on healthy goodies for the next couple of weeks. and there are fresh flowers in my living room and bedroom, and i plan on doing a bit of cleaning and laundry to freshen things up for the week ahead.

one day, one step at a time....

arise
(isaiah 60)

this morning, i awoke at the same time as i do every day - 6:15. in truth, my body was hoping to get up even earlier, but i was in staunch refusal mode. but, when the alarm (errantly set for a saturday morning) went off, i knew my time of resting was over for good.

so, i got up and showered and now i'm sitting here, clean as a whistle, feeling like writing my thoughts out into the world.

i've been thinking a lot about how people drift in and out of your life - sometimes as if by accident, sometimes with such a strong sense of purpose behind their actions, you cannot conceive of their presence (or absence, as the case may be) NOT being dictated by a very specific plan. my life has been marked by a lot of loss, and for years, i wondered to the point of distraction why this has always been the case.

but then i realized something: if you are someone who feels things intensely, you will always notice the everyday losses more than others might. and upon examination, you will have added up your losses and taken account and realized just how much there IS to lose. others, who have no interest in pondering such notions, are able to go through living, take things as they come, and maybe it just doesn't go that deep for them. and that's okay, because we're not all meant to be such intense creatures.

and to be honest, that level of intensity doesn't always help one to have perspective on life, the world, relationships. and i've recognized in myself - in recent years - that i'm slowly coming back to the middle, as it were. i'm trying to learn to hold things more loosely (but not as though they weren't important). it's just best not to stake your life on any person, on any relationship, on any hope or dream or notion of a dream.

and as the losses come, they still affect me - to be sure - but somehow i can look back on them and see that they weren't a personal affront, not some great 'cosmic joke' being played on me, or my 'punishment' for not doing things as i ought. instead, they're actually the primary vehicle in my life that God has used to build me up, to help me endure. the colossal disappointments can either beat you down or make you stronger (as the old adage submits). and i'm at a place in my life where i have no intention of lying down and just accepting my 'fate.' i'm far more interested in living, growing, changing, engaging, and giving of myself - EVEN if that means getting hurt along the way.

it's worth it to get up in the morning, to see another day come to fruition...another day, with all its hurts and uncertainties, fears and triumphs. it makes me smile now, because i know that God is building something...

me.

boomerang

one thing i have noticed is that if you are able to wait on God long enough, things will start coming around again. now, admittedly, they may not look the way they did the first time, but when they arrive back on the scene, you will recognize them immediately for what they are.

tuesday morning when i arrived at work, i was hit with nothing short of a thunderbolt filled with insight, perspective, and understanding, all doused with a reminder that God's love for me is so much bigger than i ever remember. (yes, i am quite guilty of looking at my reflection, 'memorizing' what i see, and then immediately forgetting as soon as my eyes drift out of focus.) all of the small things that i'd been thinking about and feeling over the last 10 days of my life suddenly coalesced into this perfectly clear whole, and i could barely breathe at the intensity of it all.

and what's best about it is that even though this present reality isn't necessarily what i would have originally hoped for, as soon as i 'got it,' my heart knew it was right. in my experience, that is SO the way God works. His plans truly are better and far above mine.

so, wow. now what? well, here are a few things i know:

1. i want to pursue writing (and freelance editing) more than i ever have, and i am well on my way to doing this. it is my hope that eventually i will break free of 'the man' and be able to work for myself.
2. a spark was ignited inside me over the last week and i woke up and realized that i've been wasting time moving forward with being as healthy as i can possibly be. all the reasons are too much (and too personal) to explain here, but i feel ready to pursue change in a way that i don't think i've ever felt before.
3. i want to start seriously looking for a church again. for the first time in SEVERAL years, i actually miss the community of a local body. i wasn't ready for a long time to go back to that, but now i feel myself getting there. and it wasn't as a result of pressure or guilt, both of which would have motivated me in the past (no thanks!!).
4. i am tired of being a homebody and have started a social events calendar for myself, including fun outings, projects, short-term goals, and the like. without warning, i am becoming one of those women who won't be answering her phone, but not just because she doesn't feel like talking. i'll be too busy for all that chatter...much too busy living, that is.

i'm throwing myself out there, people. and only God knows what i'll look like when i loop back this way again. i'm sure the essence of me will be unmistakably there, but i can tell you now that it won't be the same old, same old. yes, indeed, i feel a change coming....

'cut the deck, better place your bet, 'cause the game ain't over yet....' (gene simmons, bruce kulick)

if i wrote you
words and music by dar williams

i never thought you were the letter writing type
so now i see the words you chose, the way you write
so i started to write back about the trees in the snow
and i saw a bird, couldn’t say what it was, but i thought you’d know
you always surprised me.

and if i wrote you
if i wrote you
you would know me
and you would not write me again

and when the spring came and flooded all the streams
it’s like how you got the night you told me all your dreams
and when the barn roof sagged after an icy bout
it’s like how you got when you knew the truth was the only way out
but not the only way

and if i wrote you
if i wrote you
you would know me
and you would not write me again

we drew our arms around the bastard sons
we never would drink to the chosen ones
well you know the way i left was not the way i planned
but i thought the world needed love and a steady hand
so i’m steady now

and i’m so happy
i had to tell you
and i love you
and you will not write me again
you will not write me again
you will not write me again

'on and on the rain will fall
like tears from a star, like tears from a star
on and on the rain will say
how fragile we are, how fragile we are.'

this afternoon, i found out that one of my former colleagues (from a job where i worked for 2 years in college) jumped off a bridge and killed herself two months ago, leaving her husband and very young child behind. i always knew she was a fragile soul, but i never would have expected such a thing. i guess you never know what people will do when pushed to the edge of themselves.

when salimah told me (she heard it from a mutual friend), i felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. God, i wondered, what drove her there? i know that she was a Christian. maybe the torments of this world had plagued her one day too many. i just pray that the breath left her lungs before she even reached the bottom of her descent.

God, reach us in our darkness. shine your mercy on this world. even when we know you, it is so easy to go blind with confusion and fear.

only You can save us from ourselves.

rough places plain

you know, it's funny. i realized yesterday that i actually don't know what to think about much anymore. everything looks different to me right now, and i seem to have been given the task of redefining my surroundings. except one problem exists: i've been unsure what lexicon to use.

when the bottom drops out of your world, you have a few options. you can let yourself fall into the abyss; you can cling like hell to what you know and doggedly refuse to change; or you can cling for a time to what comforts you (enough to get through the stomach upset and heart palpitations phase) and then you can choose to do things differently the next time around.

it hit me just now as i was in the shower, the beads of steam forming on the glass of the door that held me in: i've been given a chance to make a second impression on my life, and i can either take it or i can disappear inside myself forever. it's clear to me that i have been making some decisions over the last 5 years that have rendered me stagnant (yes, even despite gargantuan change and upheaval), and if things had continued on their path, i might never have moved to the left or to the right.

the plans of God may be straight when looking at them in retrospect, but along the journey, you feel palpably the hills and low places, clear thoroughfares and brambled pathways on which you tread. the way is so often unknown to us and that is why faith is required to make the trip. i need more of it. i need it every minute of every day.

i see now what it means to live a life that is out of focus and meandering. i see how fear can masquerade as stability. i see that love doesn't settle, doesn't change, doesn't fail. i don't know the way, Lord, but i know now - i see now - that i'll get there.

ooh, disenfranchised....

last weekend, salimah and i made up a bjork-esque song in which, over airy instrumentals, we would just sing (over and over) the phrase, 'ooh, disenfranchised.' frankly, it was genius. i know some of you are wondering, but trust me -- it was.

which brings me to a memory: for a number of years as a child (probably between the ages of 10 and 14 or so), i was completely fascinated by the phrase 'disenfranchised proletariat.' i'm not sure why, really. perhaps it was simply the sounds of the words or the fact that they were multi-syllabic. either way, i've clearly clung to this word for a number of years now, and given the recent events in my life, it seems even more appropriate to offer them in a creative medium such as song.

and yes, i was being sarcastic just then. not to worry; my sadness hasn't dwarfed my ever-present grip on reality.

i'm telling you the truth, though: there is nothing quite like some people who take themselves WAY too seriously trying to make some avant-garde music about nothing in particular. if others are making cash off of something truly asinine, why couldn't i?

it's better than slummin' in the suburbs, ain't it?

the end of the honeymoon

for the last week, despite my serious state of angst, i've still been able to sleep relatively well (not for long periods of time, mind you, but well). apparently that time has come to an end. the last two nights, i have been plagued with wakefulness. this morning - a SATURDAY, no less - i was awake by 5 a.m.. i tried courageously to go back to sleep, but to no avail.

and it's not like 5 a.m. is the time of day for calling friends and making a stir in an apartment where another person and furry creature are trying to sleep. so it was just me, alone with my nightmarish thoughts, the now-all-too-familiar burning in my stomach, and an anxious heart. i tried to pray, but it didn't do any good. all i could muster was a feeble God....

i know He heard me. it would just be so great if i were met with something other than silence.

i heart dar williams
(or 'how i learned to stop worrying and love the Lord')

this whole week, i've been listening (on my ipod) to songs from three different dar williams albums, and for whatever the reason, her music is actually meeting me where my heart is right now. it's comforting in an odd sort of way -- perhaps because much of it is laced with a kind of sadness.

so after allowing myself to be saturated with her poetry for several hours, i informed salimah that we were, indeed, going to have to see her in concert. so i went to dar's web site, found out she's playing in philly at the end of september, and we decided at that moment to go. i found us two tickets online, paid for them, and now i just wait to receive them by mail. that was a decision that felt right, somehow.

so it's hard to keep moving ahead when you feel like everything is working against you. it's hard to pick up the pieces and place them at God's feet and ask Him to heal what must be healed...to leave broken that which should not be mended. and while i want to depend on Him more and more in my life (life goal #1, to be exact), i also know that He's given me legs and feet for a reason. i've got to stand up for what is true -- and in this case, that's the fact that He loves me more than i could imagine, more than anyone else ever will. and i'm scared to stand up and acknowledge that, because it means feeling the sting of those who don't love me like they should, who choose not to love me, who care more about their supposed 'freedom' than about what really matters.

but the bad decisions of others doesn't make the truth any less true....

i'll push myself up through the dirt and shake my petals free.
i'm resolved to being born and so resigned to bravery.

so, with as much bravery as i can muster, i'm making decisions that will protect my own heart. there's no need to hemorrhage just for the sake of being literary. and while bravery may not come so naturally to me, somehow after making a few good decisions on your own behalf, the world seems a little less 'unfair' and it becomes plausible that if i wait and want and work long enough, things might somehow turn out in my favor after all....

hell hath no fury

i know that some people are confused as to what's going on in my life. to those who have written or called, thanks for your concern. i mean it.

i really don't want to get into details right now, because suffice it to say that things are painful at best and agonizing at worst. i have a few select people with whom i'm processing directly and in the mean time, this blog space is (as it has been so many times in the past) my place to vent my feelings out into the void.

so, dear void, you'll be happy to know that i'm not lying lazy in my grief. i'm standing up and taking some steps forward. i'm being proactive and i'm protecting my integrity. i am a child of God - precious in His sight - and i do not believe for one INSTANT that the Father of Lights would have one of His children behaving like a doormat just because she's hurting.

there's a mountain in front of me, and in Jesus' name, i'm commanding it to move. this is no time for moaning; the only way through hell is to keep going.

it's a good thing my bags are already packed.

i pray
as soon as my thoughts become conscious, before the feeling of dread creeps in.
as i drift off to sleep at night, that God would protect my mind and heart from places i don't need to go.
while i sit at my desk at work, sobbing silently.
as i drive up and down too-familiar roads, seeing the things and places i used to look at with happier eyes than these.
that God's will would be done.
that all the falsehood would be blinded by the truth.
that my heart wouldn't hurt anymore.
for healing.
for resolution.
for you.

so basically

i'm alone in my apartment again (although truth be told, i'm not sure how much longer i'll be here) and the emptiness crowds in like too many people occupying an elevator built for one. i'm not sure that the weight of this can make it from my heart to my head. perhaps that's why this elevator is stuck midway, like a lump in my throat.

i'm not sure what to do next, Lord. i never thought i'd be sitting here this night, looking out my window, feeling all the things i feel. i never in a million years thought i'd be here. it doesn't feel right to me. it doesn't feel like You. it doesn't feel like anything You've done or are doing. and yet here i am.

if ever there were a need for grace pouring over me, covering me, drowning me, it's now. smother me until i can't breathe anything but You, God. You're all i have.

You, and this broken heart.

He said, she said

jc: I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. but if it dies, it produces many seeds. the man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

sh: i'm banking on this, Lord.

i'll be honest: i don't have the taste for 'good news' just now. i don't want to hear of joyous occasions, of babies and parties and the making of merry. it doesn't help. if anything, it proclaims my wound further open as the salt pours in, with a chaser of lemon juice for that extra sting.

and what is worse: today is my best friend's birthday, and i am unable to even muster up a smile and the feelings that one should be feeling on such an occasion...and all of that just makes me feel guilty.

so while i am here and while this moment is now, salimah, happy birthday, my dear. you are my unflagging support and my safe harbor when the storms of life are raging. i don't know where i'd be now if God hadn't put you in my life. and i pray that this next year of YOUR life is the best ever. i'm SO proud of you for all you've done and all that you're doing, and i will always be honored to call you friend.

memo to the world: until i feel like i can face my life again, i'll likely be holed up in salimah's apartment, scratching the ears of a furry friend named baby girl, and watching 'nsync videos while salimah tries to force feed me bagels and skim milk.

i'm not hungry for any good thing, really, but sometimes bagels are better than the truth.

the color of grief
is the crimson red of my pillowcase, now consistently dampened
is the peach-orange haze of an end-of-summer morning
is the deep purple blue of the smoothie i used to swallow my pill of heartache
is the smoky darkness shadowing me while i walk back to the apartment from my car
is the light blinking green on my cable modem
is the blue glow of my monitor in the dark
is the sage green quiet as the air conditioner hums through the wall
is what my eyes see
is what my heart knows without you
is now.

straight up crazy

i'm not sure precisely what drove me to do this, but i just called my estranged former bff from college and left him a message at work.

what prompted this, you may ask? oh, well, i've been having wackadoo dreams and there's something on my mind, and speaking of my mind, i think i may have lost it....

i wish i were here... this pic was taken on my birthday weekend, sitting on the deck of the skipjack martha lewis off the shore of havre de grace, maryland. more pics will follow...promise. i'm still in the process of getting them organized and what-not.

suffice it to say that the weather that day was absolutely perfect for a boat ride. a little warm - yes - but with clear, blue skies, brilliant sunlight, calm waters, and cherished friends. i could seriously get used to more leisure in my life. not that i'm complaining, mind you. but if i'm being honest, i'd rather be sailing away to somewhere peaceful than sitting here at my desk working past 9 p.m. on a tuesday night.

i'm just saying....

this is me

i'm not sure if it's safe to say this or not, but i think i'm having a slight existential crisis. i can't explain it, really, but i feel like the emotions of my life are flashing before my heart and overwhelming me. and when i say life, i mean whole life.

this morning, as i was sorting through papers, i found some things that reminded me of the late 90s and frankly, the sadness was almost too much to bear. i don't know what's wrong with me; my life is fairly settled right now and i'm moving ahead, but it's as if regrets and memories of what could have been were sweeter than what is.

i have news for the world. hindsight is not always 20/20. sometimes, in looking back (even at our own misery) we don those all-too-familiar rose-colored glasses, grab a cocktail and some snacks, and sit back to enjoy a few moments or hours or years of blinded bliss.

that ain't my style.

and so what to do with all this stuff? well, for one thing, i threw a lot of things out today. letters i had written to God, to boys, to friends about boys. i don't want any of that trailing around behind me leaving its mark on my memories. those feelings have helped shape the person i've become, but they are not what define who i am today.

who am i?

well, for one thing, i'm 30 now. but i'll be honest: i'm still trying to figure all that out. let me take some deep breaths; i'll get back to you on that one....

new

1. i am typing from a new-to-me desk with a new-to-me computer (my laptop is cracked and needs to be retired).
2. i have a new roommate (and it's a boy!) ;)
3. i've finally set up the new ipod mini that salimah gave me for my birthday; it's silver and lovely:).
4. wednesday, when i return to work after a brief working-at-home hiatus, i will sit in a new cubicle in a new location.
5. i have newly discovered beth nielsen chapman and i'm liking what i hear so far....
6. michael got a new job and even though it's part-time, it includes benefits!!
7. God's mercies are still new every morning; for that, i am supremely thankful.

that last one was by far the most important....

in absentia

*tap, tap*

is this thing on??

okay, so admittedly, i've been missing in action lately. sorry 'bout that, people. the reason i am about to give you for my absence is stupid, but it's the only one i've got: i haven't gotten around to downloading pics off my camera from my 30th birthday and i've been waiting to do a birthday recap post. there, i said it. i feel like a dweebo. it's been almost 3 weeks since my birthday, and i haven't even managed to turn on the camera and plug it into my computer.

so you may be wondering why that is....

well, there are myriad reasons, but the most compelling one is that i've been packing michael's stuff and getting ready to move him into my second bedroom for the time being. the bottom line is that rent is too much for me, it was too much for him, he didn't want to re-up his lease in his pathetically bad apartment complex, and i'm on a month-to-month, which affords the flexibility of being able to give 30 days' notice and mosey on to the next adventure. he's wanting to take auditions as they come, and if he gets a job, he needs to be free to take it (and i need to be free to go with him). so that's that. my office is disappearing into my bedroom, and the second bathroom (that hardly gets any use, except when salimah's staying over) will be getting some air time on a permanent basis.

today after work we went shopping for shared groceries. it was definitely a strange feeling, but i'll be honest: i'm really looking forward to forking over less money on a monthly basis. maybe now i can actually work at paying down some of my debt and having enough money for car insurance every month!!

so that's primarily what's up with me. sure, there's more going on than that, but it'll have to wait for another time. i've gotta go make dinner - turkey sausage and peppers. but next time, there will be photos. and it won't take me another three weeks to touch base.

promise.