rough places plain

you know, it's funny. i realized yesterday that i actually don't know what to think about much anymore. everything looks different to me right now, and i seem to have been given the task of redefining my surroundings. except one problem exists: i've been unsure what lexicon to use.

when the bottom drops out of your world, you have a few options. you can let yourself fall into the abyss; you can cling like hell to what you know and doggedly refuse to change; or you can cling for a time to what comforts you (enough to get through the stomach upset and heart palpitations phase) and then you can choose to do things differently the next time around.

it hit me just now as i was in the shower, the beads of steam forming on the glass of the door that held me in: i've been given a chance to make a second impression on my life, and i can either take it or i can disappear inside myself forever. it's clear to me that i have been making some decisions over the last 5 years that have rendered me stagnant (yes, even despite gargantuan change and upheaval), and if things had continued on their path, i might never have moved to the left or to the right.

the plans of God may be straight when looking at them in retrospect, but along the journey, you feel palpably the hills and low places, clear thoroughfares and brambled pathways on which you tread. the way is so often unknown to us and that is why faith is required to make the trip. i need more of it. i need it every minute of every day.

i see now what it means to live a life that is out of focus and meandering. i see how fear can masquerade as stability. i see that love doesn't settle, doesn't change, doesn't fail. i don't know the way, Lord, but i know now - i see now - that i'll get there.

ooh, disenfranchised....

last weekend, salimah and i made up a bjork-esque song in which, over airy instrumentals, we would just sing (over and over) the phrase, 'ooh, disenfranchised.' frankly, it was genius. i know some of you are wondering, but trust me -- it was.

which brings me to a memory: for a number of years as a child (probably between the ages of 10 and 14 or so), i was completely fascinated by the phrase 'disenfranchised proletariat.' i'm not sure why, really. perhaps it was simply the sounds of the words or the fact that they were multi-syllabic. either way, i've clearly clung to this word for a number of years now, and given the recent events in my life, it seems even more appropriate to offer them in a creative medium such as song.

and yes, i was being sarcastic just then. not to worry; my sadness hasn't dwarfed my ever-present grip on reality.

i'm telling you the truth, though: there is nothing quite like some people who take themselves WAY too seriously trying to make some avant-garde music about nothing in particular. if others are making cash off of something truly asinine, why couldn't i?

it's better than slummin' in the suburbs, ain't it?

the end of the honeymoon

for the last week, despite my serious state of angst, i've still been able to sleep relatively well (not for long periods of time, mind you, but well). apparently that time has come to an end. the last two nights, i have been plagued with wakefulness. this morning - a SATURDAY, no less - i was awake by 5 a.m.. i tried courageously to go back to sleep, but to no avail.

and it's not like 5 a.m. is the time of day for calling friends and making a stir in an apartment where another person and furry creature are trying to sleep. so it was just me, alone with my nightmarish thoughts, the now-all-too-familiar burning in my stomach, and an anxious heart. i tried to pray, but it didn't do any good. all i could muster was a feeble God....

i know He heard me. it would just be so great if i were met with something other than silence.

i heart dar williams
(or 'how i learned to stop worrying and love the Lord')

this whole week, i've been listening (on my ipod) to songs from three different dar williams albums, and for whatever the reason, her music is actually meeting me where my heart is right now. it's comforting in an odd sort of way -- perhaps because much of it is laced with a kind of sadness.

so after allowing myself to be saturated with her poetry for several hours, i informed salimah that we were, indeed, going to have to see her in concert. so i went to dar's web site, found out she's playing in philly at the end of september, and we decided at that moment to go. i found us two tickets online, paid for them, and now i just wait to receive them by mail. that was a decision that felt right, somehow.

so it's hard to keep moving ahead when you feel like everything is working against you. it's hard to pick up the pieces and place them at God's feet and ask Him to heal what must be healed...to leave broken that which should not be mended. and while i want to depend on Him more and more in my life (life goal #1, to be exact), i also know that He's given me legs and feet for a reason. i've got to stand up for what is true -- and in this case, that's the fact that He loves me more than i could imagine, more than anyone else ever will. and i'm scared to stand up and acknowledge that, because it means feeling the sting of those who don't love me like they should, who choose not to love me, who care more about their supposed 'freedom' than about what really matters.

but the bad decisions of others doesn't make the truth any less true....

i'll push myself up through the dirt and shake my petals free.
i'm resolved to being born and so resigned to bravery.

so, with as much bravery as i can muster, i'm making decisions that will protect my own heart. there's no need to hemorrhage just for the sake of being literary. and while bravery may not come so naturally to me, somehow after making a few good decisions on your own behalf, the world seems a little less 'unfair' and it becomes plausible that if i wait and want and work long enough, things might somehow turn out in my favor after all....

hell hath no fury

i know that some people are confused as to what's going on in my life. to those who have written or called, thanks for your concern. i mean it.

i really don't want to get into details right now, because suffice it to say that things are painful at best and agonizing at worst. i have a few select people with whom i'm processing directly and in the mean time, this blog space is (as it has been so many times in the past) my place to vent my feelings out into the void.

so, dear void, you'll be happy to know that i'm not lying lazy in my grief. i'm standing up and taking some steps forward. i'm being proactive and i'm protecting my integrity. i am a child of God - precious in His sight - and i do not believe for one INSTANT that the Father of Lights would have one of His children behaving like a doormat just because she's hurting.

there's a mountain in front of me, and in Jesus' name, i'm commanding it to move. this is no time for moaning; the only way through hell is to keep going.

it's a good thing my bags are already packed.

i pray
as soon as my thoughts become conscious, before the feeling of dread creeps in.
as i drift off to sleep at night, that God would protect my mind and heart from places i don't need to go.
while i sit at my desk at work, sobbing silently.
as i drive up and down too-familiar roads, seeing the things and places i used to look at with happier eyes than these.
that God's will would be done.
that all the falsehood would be blinded by the truth.
that my heart wouldn't hurt anymore.
for healing.
for resolution.
for you.

so basically

i'm alone in my apartment again (although truth be told, i'm not sure how much longer i'll be here) and the emptiness crowds in like too many people occupying an elevator built for one. i'm not sure that the weight of this can make it from my heart to my head. perhaps that's why this elevator is stuck midway, like a lump in my throat.

i'm not sure what to do next, Lord. i never thought i'd be sitting here this night, looking out my window, feeling all the things i feel. i never in a million years thought i'd be here. it doesn't feel right to me. it doesn't feel like You. it doesn't feel like anything You've done or are doing. and yet here i am.

if ever there were a need for grace pouring over me, covering me, drowning me, it's now. smother me until i can't breathe anything but You, God. You're all i have.

You, and this broken heart.

He said, she said

jc: I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. but if it dies, it produces many seeds. the man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

sh: i'm banking on this, Lord.

i'll be honest: i don't have the taste for 'good news' just now. i don't want to hear of joyous occasions, of babies and parties and the making of merry. it doesn't help. if anything, it proclaims my wound further open as the salt pours in, with a chaser of lemon juice for that extra sting.

and what is worse: today is my best friend's birthday, and i am unable to even muster up a smile and the feelings that one should be feeling on such an occasion...and all of that just makes me feel guilty.

so while i am here and while this moment is now, salimah, happy birthday, my dear. you are my unflagging support and my safe harbor when the storms of life are raging. i don't know where i'd be now if God hadn't put you in my life. and i pray that this next year of YOUR life is the best ever. i'm SO proud of you for all you've done and all that you're doing, and i will always be honored to call you friend.

memo to the world: until i feel like i can face my life again, i'll likely be holed up in salimah's apartment, scratching the ears of a furry friend named baby girl, and watching 'nsync videos while salimah tries to force feed me bagels and skim milk.

i'm not hungry for any good thing, really, but sometimes bagels are better than the truth.

the color of grief
is the crimson red of my pillowcase, now consistently dampened
is the peach-orange haze of an end-of-summer morning
is the deep purple blue of the smoothie i used to swallow my pill of heartache
is the smoky darkness shadowing me while i walk back to the apartment from my car
is the light blinking green on my cable modem
is the blue glow of my monitor in the dark
is the sage green quiet as the air conditioner hums through the wall
is what my eyes see
is what my heart knows without you
is now.

straight up crazy

i'm not sure precisely what drove me to do this, but i just called my estranged former bff from college and left him a message at work.

what prompted this, you may ask? oh, well, i've been having wackadoo dreams and there's something on my mind, and speaking of my mind, i think i may have lost it....

i wish i were here... this pic was taken on my birthday weekend, sitting on the deck of the skipjack martha lewis off the shore of havre de grace, maryland. more pics will follow...promise. i'm still in the process of getting them organized and what-not.

suffice it to say that the weather that day was absolutely perfect for a boat ride. a little warm - yes - but with clear, blue skies, brilliant sunlight, calm waters, and cherished friends. i could seriously get used to more leisure in my life. not that i'm complaining, mind you. but if i'm being honest, i'd rather be sailing away to somewhere peaceful than sitting here at my desk working past 9 p.m. on a tuesday night.

i'm just saying....

this is me

i'm not sure if it's safe to say this or not, but i think i'm having a slight existential crisis. i can't explain it, really, but i feel like the emotions of my life are flashing before my heart and overwhelming me. and when i say life, i mean whole life.

this morning, as i was sorting through papers, i found some things that reminded me of the late 90s and frankly, the sadness was almost too much to bear. i don't know what's wrong with me; my life is fairly settled right now and i'm moving ahead, but it's as if regrets and memories of what could have been were sweeter than what is.

i have news for the world. hindsight is not always 20/20. sometimes, in looking back (even at our own misery) we don those all-too-familiar rose-colored glasses, grab a cocktail and some snacks, and sit back to enjoy a few moments or hours or years of blinded bliss.

that ain't my style.

and so what to do with all this stuff? well, for one thing, i threw a lot of things out today. letters i had written to God, to boys, to friends about boys. i don't want any of that trailing around behind me leaving its mark on my memories. those feelings have helped shape the person i've become, but they are not what define who i am today.

who am i?

well, for one thing, i'm 30 now. but i'll be honest: i'm still trying to figure all that out. let me take some deep breaths; i'll get back to you on that one....

new

1. i am typing from a new-to-me desk with a new-to-me computer (my laptop is cracked and needs to be retired).
2. i have a new roommate (and it's a boy!) ;)
3. i've finally set up the new ipod mini that salimah gave me for my birthday; it's silver and lovely:).
4. wednesday, when i return to work after a brief working-at-home hiatus, i will sit in a new cubicle in a new location.
5. i have newly discovered beth nielsen chapman and i'm liking what i hear so far....
6. michael got a new job and even though it's part-time, it includes benefits!!
7. God's mercies are still new every morning; for that, i am supremely thankful.

that last one was by far the most important....

in absentia

*tap, tap*

is this thing on??

okay, so admittedly, i've been missing in action lately. sorry 'bout that, people. the reason i am about to give you for my absence is stupid, but it's the only one i've got: i haven't gotten around to downloading pics off my camera from my 30th birthday and i've been waiting to do a birthday recap post. there, i said it. i feel like a dweebo. it's been almost 3 weeks since my birthday, and i haven't even managed to turn on the camera and plug it into my computer.

so you may be wondering why that is....

well, there are myriad reasons, but the most compelling one is that i've been packing michael's stuff and getting ready to move him into my second bedroom for the time being. the bottom line is that rent is too much for me, it was too much for him, he didn't want to re-up his lease in his pathetically bad apartment complex, and i'm on a month-to-month, which affords the flexibility of being able to give 30 days' notice and mosey on to the next adventure. he's wanting to take auditions as they come, and if he gets a job, he needs to be free to take it (and i need to be free to go with him). so that's that. my office is disappearing into my bedroom, and the second bathroom (that hardly gets any use, except when salimah's staying over) will be getting some air time on a permanent basis.

today after work we went shopping for shared groceries. it was definitely a strange feeling, but i'll be honest: i'm really looking forward to forking over less money on a monthly basis. maybe now i can actually work at paying down some of my debt and having enough money for car insurance every month!!

so that's primarily what's up with me. sure, there's more going on than that, but it'll have to wait for another time. i've gotta go make dinner - turkey sausage and peppers. but next time, there will be photos. and it won't take me another three weeks to touch base.

promise.

because i must

okay, so i have yet to post about my walking project. about 2 or 3 weeks ago, michael and i decided to rise before the sun and go walking at least three days a week. the whole point of this is to beat the heat (and the bugs, and the crowds who gather at the track) and start the day off well.

the first week went great. i even got some special socks for running/walking, and they are stupendous! last week was no good; i didn't feel well for about 4 days straight, and it knocked the wind out of my waking-up-early sails.

but tomorrow, i begin again, and whether or not i get enough sleep (the answer is NOT), i'm getting up at 4:50. yeah, you read that right. why, you may ask? because i'm over the whole 'not moving around enough' thing. because i want to change my life. because i'm going to be 30 in 12 days.

because i must.

p. diddy is a cab driver

okay, so no joke: on friday, while i was driving to work, i saw this DEAD ringer for sean "puffy/puff daddy/p. diddy" combs waiting to pick up a fare. wouldn't THAT be an interesting career move....

in other news, just under a month until i turn the big 3-0. i'm thankful that this year's day falls on a friday, because then i can have the entire 4th of july weekend as an extended celebration. and to further gild the lily, i'm taking off on both the 1st (my b-day) and the 5th so that i can have more of an actual vacation. and frankly, if i may be so bold, i feel that i deserve a little time off. it's been a rather hectic few months, and things are only going to get more and more busy as the summer progresses. i might as well get in some r&r while i've got the chance....

i'm going to watch the movie in good company -- just me. but first, i've got to make a bit of lunch (who knows what that will be?) and drink some water. the heat of the outside seemed rather pleasant until i was stuck in beating sunlight, and then the air conditioning and i got reacquainted rather quickly.

so now i'm cool, about to be fed, and feeling fine. and the afternoon is all about me, my cooking magazines (i'm in the process of paring them down and putting recipes into binders), and some yummy treats.

here's to starting the week with a bang!

without a hitch

well, my ever-argumentative uncle showed himself faithful to his own tendencies, but he actually ignored me completely, not acknowledging my presence one time. i suppose i should be thankful, but if i'm being honest, i found that completely rude. oh well....

other than all that, the evening in pa turned out pretty well. after a rather early dinner of bbq chicken, some lovely potato salad with a vinagrette dressing, a green salad with lots of dried fruit, spanakopita (divine), and two kinds of cake, we all wandered out to the patio (my aunt and uncle have a lovely home with 20 acres of green surrounding them) and drank liqueur (limoncello for me) while wrapped up in blankets (it had gotten a bit chilly after a thunderous downpour in the afternoon) and laughed and talked.

the evening rounded out around 11, shortly after michael played his horn for awhile, much to the delight of my family, and then we headed off to our hotel for bed. this morning was brunch with just my aunt, uncle (not the boisterous one), cousin, and parents, and then we headed back home. the afternoon was just gorgeous - perfectly sunny, cool, and with lovely clouds that lent themselves to gazing and imagining dragons and baby elephants.

upon my return back to charm city, i picked up my partner in crime (that would be salimah) and we feasted on tony roma's for dinner and then had a brief (although mostly unsuccessful) shopping stint at the hecht's nearby.

tomorrow, i'll head off to a party in the afternoon with the gent, and then hopefully build up the courage to cancel my cable later on in the day.

tonight i look forward only to the sweet rest i'll have in the cool night air. i love three-day weekends. one day left, and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth....

...continued

i know, my absence has been long. for that, i apologize. i don't have any particular reason to have been away so long except to say that i just haven't written.

and with that, we begin again....

so today, michael and i will go to pa for a bit of a family get-together. one of my baby cousins (no longer a baby; he's now in his early 20s) has just graduated from columbia university and this fete is to celebrate his freedom (even if temporary) from academia and his parents' freedom (even if temporary) from bankrolling his life. ah, those were the days....

i must say that i'm looking forward to seeing everyone, even if my last interaction with one of my uncles was less than favorable. over new year's he pretty much told me off rather forcefully in front of a table full of relatives - and for no real reason, other than the fact that he was drunk and angry and looking for a fight. fun times, i tell you....

many changes afoot these days, although admittedly not the ones i'd hoped. michael didn't get the job in nc, and as of july 15, he won't any longer have his current job, so i'm sure you can imagine that new adventures most certainly lie ahead. a dear friend told me yesterday, 'well, you know that when God closes a door, He always opens a window.'

'yes,' i said, 'but here's hoping it's a double-wide. it's time for both of us to climb through.'

come to think of it, a sliding-glass door would do me just fine....

Word up

if everybody claims to know the problem
then how come ain't nobody solving?
why do the pains of this world keep coming through throbbin'
--check the tragedy--
we push positivity
but positivity, x-Jesus, is positively
a good attempt at chivalry.
hard work ethic and good discipline
won't score points, even though it's good dribblin'....

the foul rip Christ and they just won't stop
so be not deceived cause God is not mocked
for what they sow, they're sure gonna reap
so just lay back and wait for The Thief
that's coming in the night, cause he knows how to
creep from Eternity and catch 'em like blaaow!
let's see what's said when it's all said and done
when they have to come face to face with Playa' Hater #1.
(the cross movement, playa' hater #1)