He said, she said

jc: I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. but if it dies, it produces many seeds. the man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

sh: i'm banking on this, Lord.

i'll be honest: i don't have the taste for 'good news' just now. i don't want to hear of joyous occasions, of babies and parties and the making of merry. it doesn't help. if anything, it proclaims my wound further open as the salt pours in, with a chaser of lemon juice for that extra sting.

and what is worse: today is my best friend's birthday, and i am unable to even muster up a smile and the feelings that one should be feeling on such an occasion...and all of that just makes me feel guilty.

so while i am here and while this moment is now, salimah, happy birthday, my dear. you are my unflagging support and my safe harbor when the storms of life are raging. i don't know where i'd be now if God hadn't put you in my life. and i pray that this next year of YOUR life is the best ever. i'm SO proud of you for all you've done and all that you're doing, and i will always be honored to call you friend.

memo to the world: until i feel like i can face my life again, i'll likely be holed up in salimah's apartment, scratching the ears of a furry friend named baby girl, and watching 'nsync videos while salimah tries to force feed me bagels and skim milk.

i'm not hungry for any good thing, really, but sometimes bagels are better than the truth.

the color of grief
is the crimson red of my pillowcase, now consistently dampened
is the peach-orange haze of an end-of-summer morning
is the deep purple blue of the smoothie i used to swallow my pill of heartache
is the smoky darkness shadowing me while i walk back to the apartment from my car
is the light blinking green on my cable modem
is the blue glow of my monitor in the dark
is the sage green quiet as the air conditioner hums through the wall
is what my eyes see
is what my heart knows without you
is now.

straight up crazy

i'm not sure precisely what drove me to do this, but i just called my estranged former bff from college and left him a message at work.

what prompted this, you may ask? oh, well, i've been having wackadoo dreams and there's something on my mind, and speaking of my mind, i think i may have lost it....

i wish i were here... this pic was taken on my birthday weekend, sitting on the deck of the skipjack martha lewis off the shore of havre de grace, maryland. more pics will follow...promise. i'm still in the process of getting them organized and what-not.

suffice it to say that the weather that day was absolutely perfect for a boat ride. a little warm - yes - but with clear, blue skies, brilliant sunlight, calm waters, and cherished friends. i could seriously get used to more leisure in my life. not that i'm complaining, mind you. but if i'm being honest, i'd rather be sailing away to somewhere peaceful than sitting here at my desk working past 9 p.m. on a tuesday night.

i'm just saying....

this is me

i'm not sure if it's safe to say this or not, but i think i'm having a slight existential crisis. i can't explain it, really, but i feel like the emotions of my life are flashing before my heart and overwhelming me. and when i say life, i mean whole life.

this morning, as i was sorting through papers, i found some things that reminded me of the late 90s and frankly, the sadness was almost too much to bear. i don't know what's wrong with me; my life is fairly settled right now and i'm moving ahead, but it's as if regrets and memories of what could have been were sweeter than what is.

i have news for the world. hindsight is not always 20/20. sometimes, in looking back (even at our own misery) we don those all-too-familiar rose-colored glasses, grab a cocktail and some snacks, and sit back to enjoy a few moments or hours or years of blinded bliss.

that ain't my style.

and so what to do with all this stuff? well, for one thing, i threw a lot of things out today. letters i had written to God, to boys, to friends about boys. i don't want any of that trailing around behind me leaving its mark on my memories. those feelings have helped shape the person i've become, but they are not what define who i am today.

who am i?

well, for one thing, i'm 30 now. but i'll be honest: i'm still trying to figure all that out. let me take some deep breaths; i'll get back to you on that one....

new

1. i am typing from a new-to-me desk with a new-to-me computer (my laptop is cracked and needs to be retired).
2. i have a new roommate (and it's a boy!) ;)
3. i've finally set up the new ipod mini that salimah gave me for my birthday; it's silver and lovely:).
4. wednesday, when i return to work after a brief working-at-home hiatus, i will sit in a new cubicle in a new location.
5. i have newly discovered beth nielsen chapman and i'm liking what i hear so far....
6. michael got a new job and even though it's part-time, it includes benefits!!
7. God's mercies are still new every morning; for that, i am supremely thankful.

that last one was by far the most important....

in absentia

*tap, tap*

is this thing on??

okay, so admittedly, i've been missing in action lately. sorry 'bout that, people. the reason i am about to give you for my absence is stupid, but it's the only one i've got: i haven't gotten around to downloading pics off my camera from my 30th birthday and i've been waiting to do a birthday recap post. there, i said it. i feel like a dweebo. it's been almost 3 weeks since my birthday, and i haven't even managed to turn on the camera and plug it into my computer.

so you may be wondering why that is....

well, there are myriad reasons, but the most compelling one is that i've been packing michael's stuff and getting ready to move him into my second bedroom for the time being. the bottom line is that rent is too much for me, it was too much for him, he didn't want to re-up his lease in his pathetically bad apartment complex, and i'm on a month-to-month, which affords the flexibility of being able to give 30 days' notice and mosey on to the next adventure. he's wanting to take auditions as they come, and if he gets a job, he needs to be free to take it (and i need to be free to go with him). so that's that. my office is disappearing into my bedroom, and the second bathroom (that hardly gets any use, except when salimah's staying over) will be getting some air time on a permanent basis.

today after work we went shopping for shared groceries. it was definitely a strange feeling, but i'll be honest: i'm really looking forward to forking over less money on a monthly basis. maybe now i can actually work at paying down some of my debt and having enough money for car insurance every month!!

so that's primarily what's up with me. sure, there's more going on than that, but it'll have to wait for another time. i've gotta go make dinner - turkey sausage and peppers. but next time, there will be photos. and it won't take me another three weeks to touch base.

promise.

because i must

okay, so i have yet to post about my walking project. about 2 or 3 weeks ago, michael and i decided to rise before the sun and go walking at least three days a week. the whole point of this is to beat the heat (and the bugs, and the crowds who gather at the track) and start the day off well.

the first week went great. i even got some special socks for running/walking, and they are stupendous! last week was no good; i didn't feel well for about 4 days straight, and it knocked the wind out of my waking-up-early sails.

but tomorrow, i begin again, and whether or not i get enough sleep (the answer is NOT), i'm getting up at 4:50. yeah, you read that right. why, you may ask? because i'm over the whole 'not moving around enough' thing. because i want to change my life. because i'm going to be 30 in 12 days.

because i must.

p. diddy is a cab driver

okay, so no joke: on friday, while i was driving to work, i saw this DEAD ringer for sean "puffy/puff daddy/p. diddy" combs waiting to pick up a fare. wouldn't THAT be an interesting career move....

in other news, just under a month until i turn the big 3-0. i'm thankful that this year's day falls on a friday, because then i can have the entire 4th of july weekend as an extended celebration. and to further gild the lily, i'm taking off on both the 1st (my b-day) and the 5th so that i can have more of an actual vacation. and frankly, if i may be so bold, i feel that i deserve a little time off. it's been a rather hectic few months, and things are only going to get more and more busy as the summer progresses. i might as well get in some r&r while i've got the chance....

i'm going to watch the movie in good company -- just me. but first, i've got to make a bit of lunch (who knows what that will be?) and drink some water. the heat of the outside seemed rather pleasant until i was stuck in beating sunlight, and then the air conditioning and i got reacquainted rather quickly.

so now i'm cool, about to be fed, and feeling fine. and the afternoon is all about me, my cooking magazines (i'm in the process of paring them down and putting recipes into binders), and some yummy treats.

here's to starting the week with a bang!

without a hitch

well, my ever-argumentative uncle showed himself faithful to his own tendencies, but he actually ignored me completely, not acknowledging my presence one time. i suppose i should be thankful, but if i'm being honest, i found that completely rude. oh well....

other than all that, the evening in pa turned out pretty well. after a rather early dinner of bbq chicken, some lovely potato salad with a vinagrette dressing, a green salad with lots of dried fruit, spanakopita (divine), and two kinds of cake, we all wandered out to the patio (my aunt and uncle have a lovely home with 20 acres of green surrounding them) and drank liqueur (limoncello for me) while wrapped up in blankets (it had gotten a bit chilly after a thunderous downpour in the afternoon) and laughed and talked.

the evening rounded out around 11, shortly after michael played his horn for awhile, much to the delight of my family, and then we headed off to our hotel for bed. this morning was brunch with just my aunt, uncle (not the boisterous one), cousin, and parents, and then we headed back home. the afternoon was just gorgeous - perfectly sunny, cool, and with lovely clouds that lent themselves to gazing and imagining dragons and baby elephants.

upon my return back to charm city, i picked up my partner in crime (that would be salimah) and we feasted on tony roma's for dinner and then had a brief (although mostly unsuccessful) shopping stint at the hecht's nearby.

tomorrow, i'll head off to a party in the afternoon with the gent, and then hopefully build up the courage to cancel my cable later on in the day.

tonight i look forward only to the sweet rest i'll have in the cool night air. i love three-day weekends. one day left, and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth....

...continued

i know, my absence has been long. for that, i apologize. i don't have any particular reason to have been away so long except to say that i just haven't written.

and with that, we begin again....

so today, michael and i will go to pa for a bit of a family get-together. one of my baby cousins (no longer a baby; he's now in his early 20s) has just graduated from columbia university and this fete is to celebrate his freedom (even if temporary) from academia and his parents' freedom (even if temporary) from bankrolling his life. ah, those were the days....

i must say that i'm looking forward to seeing everyone, even if my last interaction with one of my uncles was less than favorable. over new year's he pretty much told me off rather forcefully in front of a table full of relatives - and for no real reason, other than the fact that he was drunk and angry and looking for a fight. fun times, i tell you....

many changes afoot these days, although admittedly not the ones i'd hoped. michael didn't get the job in nc, and as of july 15, he won't any longer have his current job, so i'm sure you can imagine that new adventures most certainly lie ahead. a dear friend told me yesterday, 'well, you know that when God closes a door, He always opens a window.'

'yes,' i said, 'but here's hoping it's a double-wide. it's time for both of us to climb through.'

come to think of it, a sliding-glass door would do me just fine....

Word up

if everybody claims to know the problem
then how come ain't nobody solving?
why do the pains of this world keep coming through throbbin'
--check the tragedy--
we push positivity
but positivity, x-Jesus, is positively
a good attempt at chivalry.
hard work ethic and good discipline
won't score points, even though it's good dribblin'....

the foul rip Christ and they just won't stop
so be not deceived cause God is not mocked
for what they sow, they're sure gonna reap
so just lay back and wait for The Thief
that's coming in the night, cause he knows how to
creep from Eternity and catch 'em like blaaow!
let's see what's said when it's all said and done
when they have to come face to face with Playa' Hater #1.
(the cross movement, playa' hater #1)

moving on....

well, it's official. it's open window weather around these parts. i always have mixed emotions about this time of year, because i love the thought of being able to sleep in the cool night air, but it's also the time when allergies really kick in for me. i'm not sure if i can 'mind-over-matter' it this time around, but i'm sure gonna try....

in other news, i went walking yesterday morning on a track near my house. it was truly a lovely experience. then, this morning, in a surge of inspiration, i walked around outside for about a half mile, just to get the blood flowing. it feels good to be moving. staying still makes my bones ache.

and, well, if i'm being honest, my heart doesn't like to be in one place for a long time, either. it's not that i feel the need to run, but i think that a bit of wanderlust was knit into my DNA somewhere, because i like the idea of turning a new page, even if the main things in life stay as they are. i'm up for new sights, new sounds, new tastes. i like a change of scenery.

michael's taking an audition next month a few states away, and if he gets the job, i'm going with him....this whole idea feeds my body's drive to move ahead, make progress, avoid stagnation. and while it saddens me beyond words to think of what (or whom) i will leave behind, of having to start over with only one person beside me, i'm just aching for that page to turn.

and turn, it must.

running list

things i simply heart right now, in no particular order:

1. whole wheat pastry flour
2. wallaby organic yogurt
3. edamame (a little salt, a lot of YUM)
4. a three-day weekend, when the third day is monday
5. being able to open my windows
6. italian lemon soda
7. my new eucalyptus body butter, compliments of cat:)
8. my FREE mary kay lotions and potions, compliments of salimah(note: normally, i'm not a mary kay fan, but how can you go wrong with FREE?)
9. quizno's subs. toasty yumminess.
10. my very cute and charming boyfriend (because he always deserves to be on the list!)

intermingling

this weekend has been a melange of family and friends, of old and new, of joy and sorrow, of here and there.

friday, i left work early and michael and i went to a friend's wedding in frederick, maryland. the highlight of that evening, by far, was the irish dancers that her father had hired to surprise the couple. i swear - it was riverdance all up close and personal. and it was, by far, one of the coolest things i've ever seen.

yesterday, michael and i drove in the driving rain down to bethesda and hooked up with my parents, had dinner and lively conversation at p.f. chang's, and then went to a mozart concert at strathmore hall (in which michael was playing with the national philharmonic). we bid my parents a fond adieu and returned home. i was up entirely too late, and i found myself feeling a little tired of all the comings and goings. i decided to lay low and sleep in this morning.

after fitful dreams and not as much rest as i'd like, i awoke this morning around 8:30, puttered about for a few hours, and left to go pick up salimah for a girls' day out. we had lunch at the lovely glas-z cafe in mt. washington and then tooled around an overpriced (but charming) book shop next door. realizing that we would find nothing in our budgets, we headed back to pikesville and hit the B&N (where i scored a couple of cheap and needed books on budgeting and cancer prevention diets) and then the pier one (window shopping only there). we then picked up some much-needed sundries at the safeway and headed back to my abode. dinner was jerk pork cubes with lime, orange, and caramelized onions; refried beans; pineapple salsa; and a warmed tortilla to wrap it all up.

all in all, a busy and event-filled weekend. some nice food. some nice time with loved ones. nothing amiss, per se. if i'm being honest, though, i must admit that there has been a current of sadness woven through my days and nights of late. it's not that i'm depressed; it's more that some things are working their way to the surface of my heart and demanding to be heard. when pain knocks loud, i've learned that it's best to listen.

in the midst of the wedding on friday, there was a new beginning, but the years of sadness and waiting sat quietly in the wings, palpable if ineffective. there is no room for them anymore in the life of my friend; joy has made a home in her heart, and there are no other houseguests when that is the case. and yet the truth of the past still lingers. that is how it is with life. even when things are going really well, when there is nothing 'wrong' and you've got plenty to do and much to hope for, sometimes those sidelined, old, and outdated wounds remind you that they're still hanging around, just in case.

and one must tip one's hat to them from time to time. it is the reminder of the pain that makes joy and hope all that much sweeter.

and sitting here at home on this sunday night, with tears streaming down my face, i'm trying to tell myself just that.

the paschal lamb

my easter weekend was relaxing and pleasant. the rainy weather did not abate, lasting from thursday until this very moment (it is pouring as i type this). i was not feeling super well, so we skipped the trip to michael's parents' house and i made a curried lamb meatballs dish (with apples and onions), brown rice, and peas and michael and i watched some episodes of the 2nd season of 'la femme nikita' and snacked on a guava nectar/lime juice/coconut rum-soaked cake (an experimental creation that went well, save the third that stuck to the inside of my bundt pan!). all in all, a lovely rainy day spent with my sweetheart.

the highlight of yesterday (and every day lately) though, has been our prayer times. michael and i have committed to setting aside a time every evening to pray together, and it's been just awesome. honestly, i don't know why in the world we haven't been doing this before now. i mean, we did pray for each other - sure - but not TOGETHER. it has already made a significant impact on our relationship. the Spirit of God is a good heart-knitter:).

so now, on this late rainy monday afternoon, i'm off to hop on my exercise machine (yo-yo ma's baroque album is my soundtrack) and then i'll make something quick for dinner and settle in for some TV and magazine reading.

happy easter, everyone.

so much for that....

well, i've come down with something. i'm not sure exactly where it's going (i pray nowhere), but let's just say that my throat feels the same way it did before i got REALLY sick right after new year's.

i am not exaggerating when i say that this CANNOT happen to me right now.

i mean, really.

ecce whitman!

What do you think has become of the young and old men?
And what do you think has become of the women and children?

They are alive and well somewhere;
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death;
And if ever there was, it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas’d the moment life appear’d.

All goes onward and outward—nothing collapses;
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.

sometimes it is the most nonsensical thoughts that yield the greatest understanding. and so it is with faith in God. life is a whirling jumble of seeming contradictions. death, which many fear, is not really the end but a continuation. God, whom many deny, cannot be denied. life, that thing to which so many cling tightly, cannot be grasped. cannot be held. cannot be saved for any extra hour or minute or breath.

to read whitman, sometimes it makes you realize that he was talking crazy. and let's face it: his words were kinda crazy. yet in the midst of his mind's maelstrom, some real things poured out - things that connect to someone like me. things that make sense while making no sense at all.

death brings life. pain brings joy. weakness brings strength.

i'm not interested in getting bogged down in the contradictions anymore. i've come to some terms: not much is clear in the day to day. why am i at this place or that? why does this person like me, while that one doesn't? why am i asking all these damned questions?

so let me be one of those who can lay it down and walk ahead, God. let me feel the wind against my skin and know that it is your breath infusing life into this broken vessel. let me lie in the comfort of unanswered questions and sing loud and love hard until it's time to come home again. that's my prayer. that's all a soul could want.

The last scud of day holds back for me;
It flings my likeness after the rest, and true as any, on the shadow’d wilds;
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.

I depart as air—I shake my white locks at the runaway sun;
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeathe myself to the dirt, to grow from the grass I love;
If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am, or what I mean;
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged;
Missing me one place, search another;
I stop somewhere, waiting for you.

* from "Leaves of Grass," Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

it really does

last night while on a very long phone call with my mother, i found out that my friend's son died of cancer. he was 10. it's been on its way for awhile, but there is that tension when someone is clinging on to life - the hope that things could turn the other way. it's an odd and stressful kind of limbo to be in.

and as i sat at work today, in the middle of this quicksand-esque project on which i'm currently working, i couldn't help but think how odd it is that as i while away the hours in my cubicle, this woman and her daughter and new husband and stepchildren are somewhere grieving, getting ready for a funeral. and other people are doing just the same thing - or their own version of living, whatever that means to them.

and while some sit in their own private hells, the rest of the world wanders slowly by, pushing papers around, getting the kids up from school, cooking dinner and doing laundry, and on and on. it amazes me that we all pick up the pieces of our lives and get on with the mundane.

there's a saying that my mother has been tossing around the last couple of years: it is what it is. and you know, that's just really true. someone has died. someone is getting married. someone is thinking about moving, or switching jobs, or losing weight. plans are made, promises are broken, tears are shed. and it is what it is.

and you know, i'm not in a personal hell. no one has died recently and while things aren't totally great with me just now, i'm moving forward. in other words, no one would look at my external life and think anything of it. and yet i'm not happy. not globally so, anyway.

i've certainly had my share of pain, of suffering, of all that stuff....and when i was in those places of despair and difficulty, the world looked fresh, promising, even as i grieved. there was a rawness to living that the rest of the world seemed to be missing out on. and i made promises to myself in those moments that i'd never go back to that everyday existence. but i did.

so now, every day, i get up, do my morning routine, head off to work, put in my 9 hours, come back home, do dinner, watch a little tv, talk to a few friends, and then it's off to bed. weekends might involve plans, but really, the months are passing like they're going out of style. and at this point, i have little to show for it. my relationships are what they are: good for the most part, relatively stable. i'm building job experience, blahblahblah. but every day, in the midst of my very exact existence, i wish for something more than what i have.

i don't want to be one of those people who's always looking for the door, always wanting to hold out a little longer, always 'better dealing' it. but i have to be honest: at this point, i know that there's more to this life than what i've got going on.

in the mean time, though, while i wait and waste and wish, life, as it does so well, goes on.

i mean, it really does....