so much for that....

well, i've come down with something. i'm not sure exactly where it's going (i pray nowhere), but let's just say that my throat feels the same way it did before i got REALLY sick right after new year's.

i am not exaggerating when i say that this CANNOT happen to me right now.

i mean, really.

ecce whitman!

What do you think has become of the young and old men?
And what do you think has become of the women and children?

They are alive and well somewhere;
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death;
And if ever there was, it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas’d the moment life appear’d.

All goes onward and outward—nothing collapses;
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.

sometimes it is the most nonsensical thoughts that yield the greatest understanding. and so it is with faith in God. life is a whirling jumble of seeming contradictions. death, which many fear, is not really the end but a continuation. God, whom many deny, cannot be denied. life, that thing to which so many cling tightly, cannot be grasped. cannot be held. cannot be saved for any extra hour or minute or breath.

to read whitman, sometimes it makes you realize that he was talking crazy. and let's face it: his words were kinda crazy. yet in the midst of his mind's maelstrom, some real things poured out - things that connect to someone like me. things that make sense while making no sense at all.

death brings life. pain brings joy. weakness brings strength.

i'm not interested in getting bogged down in the contradictions anymore. i've come to some terms: not much is clear in the day to day. why am i at this place or that? why does this person like me, while that one doesn't? why am i asking all these damned questions?

so let me be one of those who can lay it down and walk ahead, God. let me feel the wind against my skin and know that it is your breath infusing life into this broken vessel. let me lie in the comfort of unanswered questions and sing loud and love hard until it's time to come home again. that's my prayer. that's all a soul could want.

The last scud of day holds back for me;
It flings my likeness after the rest, and true as any, on the shadow’d wilds;
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.

I depart as air—I shake my white locks at the runaway sun;
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeathe myself to the dirt, to grow from the grass I love;
If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am, or what I mean;
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged;
Missing me one place, search another;
I stop somewhere, waiting for you.

* from "Leaves of Grass," Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

it really does

last night while on a very long phone call with my mother, i found out that my friend's son died of cancer. he was 10. it's been on its way for awhile, but there is that tension when someone is clinging on to life - the hope that things could turn the other way. it's an odd and stressful kind of limbo to be in.

and as i sat at work today, in the middle of this quicksand-esque project on which i'm currently working, i couldn't help but think how odd it is that as i while away the hours in my cubicle, this woman and her daughter and new husband and stepchildren are somewhere grieving, getting ready for a funeral. and other people are doing just the same thing - or their own version of living, whatever that means to them.

and while some sit in their own private hells, the rest of the world wanders slowly by, pushing papers around, getting the kids up from school, cooking dinner and doing laundry, and on and on. it amazes me that we all pick up the pieces of our lives and get on with the mundane.

there's a saying that my mother has been tossing around the last couple of years: it is what it is. and you know, that's just really true. someone has died. someone is getting married. someone is thinking about moving, or switching jobs, or losing weight. plans are made, promises are broken, tears are shed. and it is what it is.

and you know, i'm not in a personal hell. no one has died recently and while things aren't totally great with me just now, i'm moving forward. in other words, no one would look at my external life and think anything of it. and yet i'm not happy. not globally so, anyway.

i've certainly had my share of pain, of suffering, of all that stuff....and when i was in those places of despair and difficulty, the world looked fresh, promising, even as i grieved. there was a rawness to living that the rest of the world seemed to be missing out on. and i made promises to myself in those moments that i'd never go back to that everyday existence. but i did.

so now, every day, i get up, do my morning routine, head off to work, put in my 9 hours, come back home, do dinner, watch a little tv, talk to a few friends, and then it's off to bed. weekends might involve plans, but really, the months are passing like they're going out of style. and at this point, i have little to show for it. my relationships are what they are: good for the most part, relatively stable. i'm building job experience, blahblahblah. but every day, in the midst of my very exact existence, i wish for something more than what i have.

i don't want to be one of those people who's always looking for the door, always wanting to hold out a little longer, always 'better dealing' it. but i have to be honest: at this point, i know that there's more to this life than what i've got going on.

in the mean time, though, while i wait and waste and wish, life, as it does so well, goes on.

i mean, it really does....

off the hook

well, i bit the bullet. tonight, i purchased what can only be described as the cutest phone ever:). it's the red one, people....

even though it was totally snowing, michael and i braved the elements to procure me this little number. really, i needed it. my old phone had seen MUCH better days.

so now i have to download some cool ring tones and figure out all the nifty features of the built-in camera. but honestly, can i tell you - even with all the bells and whistles, i'm still most excited that it's red:).

yes, i know. i'm a dork.

call me!!

breakaway

i am all turned up and flipped around and i feel like my head is spinning. this weekend was very eye-opening in terms of some bits of hope that have been hibernating and waiting for emergence. talks with friends brought ideas and wonderings about the possibility of taking a step forward in some pretty life-changing ways with michael. talks with michael brought about tears (good ones) and prayers and realizations of my fearful heart and all the ways in which God still has yet to open me up.

but suddenly, even with all that being said, i feel myself opening to second (or third or fourth) chances, to first inklings, to a dream that i didn't want to admit i dreamed. and somehow i can stand for someone to look at me more fully in the face and say what my heart needs to hear.

i'm ready to take the risk, Lord.

i'm ready to break down. break through.

if you can't take the heat....

hello, world. it's been awhile, i know. let me sum up:

valentine's day weekend was lovely. michael came over on sunday and i made him from-scratch spanakopita, a lemon-garlic pork tenderloin, and belgian chocolate cups filled with raspberry sauce, lemon mousse, and fresh raspberries. then, valentine's day proper, he met me here after work and we feasted on jerk marinated game hens (roasted to a crispy mahogany color), herbed texmati brown rice, and roasted brussels sprouts and onions. after dinner, we had some champagne with raspberries that had been soaking in raspberry liqueur and some chocolates from whole foods. tuesday evening, michael took me to the brass elephant for dinner. this was my least favorite meal of the three (i had some problems with my entree and the food wasn't as good as i had remembered it being the last time i was there), but the service was stellar and we had a cozy little table tucked away in an alcove just for us:).

in other words, it was a 3-day food fest, and the rest of the week was sure to be all downhill from there....

tuesday went off without a hitch, but then wednesday evening, after removing a skillet from a 400-degree oven, i grabbed it to pick it up by its handle - NO OVEN GLOVE ON - and wound up badly burning all four fingers and the palm of my right hand. and yes, i AM right-handed.

long story short, michael came over, much crying and wailing ensued, and i managed to eventually swab on some ointment and wrap my hand, only after temporarily numbing it with some solarcaine spray. i then took a percocet and went to bed. work on thursday was maddening, since i had little to no use of my right hand. try writing with only your thumb. it doesn't work so well.

the good news is that i'm feeling much better now. my hand is blistered/scarred, and i can't move it in all the ways i normally would, but it doesn't hurt so much and i'm hoping it'll heal quickly so that i can get on with my life.

besides, i've been on a baking kick of late, and i'm not really that desirous of steering clear of my kitchen.

a brief word to the wise, though: if you truly can't take the heat, keep your potholders handy!

ocular jitters

my right eye has been twitching for three weeks now. but only while i'm at work. that might shed some light on my stress level of late. then again, maybe i'm slowly going blind. i once had a manager at a job inform me that eye twitching was probably nothing to worry about, but then, she said to me - calm as day - 'course, the last time MY eyes twitched, i had a stroke.

um, yeah. THANKS.

in other news, michael has been so sweet to me lately, it's making me cry at my desk. i seriously don't know what to do with myself and in the middle of the day, when you're shedding tears with a twitching eye, it makes you feel like some sort of overemotional freak. but i'm managing. i figure life could be a lot worse than having a man who loves you and cares about every element of your existence.

then again, i could do without the twitch.

meet the fockers, lite

yesterday, michael and i drove down to his parents' house, my parents drove up from virginia, and the someday in-laws had their first gander at the 'other side.' i have to admit, i was kind of nervous about the whole scenario. i mean, my parents are great people - very entertaining and fun - but the same thing that makes them great can also be a little much sometimes. my mother, who is an extremely friendly and welcoming person, gets into 'storytelling mode' and the hits just keep on coming. she and i had made an agreement beforehand that there would be no telling of random family stories and no talking about her job (this, i knew, would be a longshot). but lo and behold, within five minutes of arriving, she was off with a bang....

*sigh*

michael's parents seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and his mom even talked quite extensively about some random family members (lots of names, very little context). somehow in my mind, that evened out the playing field a bit.

in the middle of all this story volleying, michael and i just kind of sat there, listening. i jumped into the conversation at a few isolated points - more as a way to remind myself that i was still present in the situation - but really, it was like a 4-hour talking marathon and after the first mile, i already knew there was no winning this race.

but that's okay; i figure they need to get all the niceties out of their system, and at least there was no arguing or talking of politics. all in all, it went rather well; the food was quite good, and michael and i are still speaking, so i count it a successful evening.

but as we drove home last night, i realized that it's strange to me that i'm at the stage in my life where the prospect of having in-laws doesn't seem so far-fetched. it's just another page in the story, i guess. so i wonder what will happen in the next chapter....

snow and snuggling

i had a positively peachy weekend. after i got to hang out with salimah on friday night, michael was gracious enough to take her home in the snow on saturday morning. then, after getting some videos for us to watch, he came back to my house and we hunkered down and watched the snow rush its way to the ground. the storm, in my opinion, didn't last nearly long enough.

i made us fajitas for dinner and we mixed up a batch of delicious, hearty 'cowboy cookies' - basically, a melange of some whole wheat pastry flour, oatmeal, chocolate chips, walnuts, and the basic butter/sugar/egg/vanilla combination. SO good and so filling! we watched spiderman 2 and part of total recall (who remembered that the acting in this movie truly sucked? i guess i should have known better with the one-two punch of arnie and sharon stone!) and around 12:30, we crumped out (we had already planned he would stay over since i have a guest room and there is no reason he needed to be risking his life getting home in the frozen tundra).

in between the food and the snowfall, we just spent time talking and enjoying each other's company while keeping warm under blankets and with mugs of hot cocoa pressed to our palms. i love being with michael; he soothes my soul....

it was hard to let him go sunday evening, but given the fact that we have somewhat separate lives to lead, parting was inevitable. as i closed the door after him, i couldn't help but wish that he didn't have to go home. or, rather, that he was already there...with me.

but yes, i know, some day he will be....

oh, and to add even more magic to the moment, when i went outside this morning to leave for work, not only had the man removed every bit of snow from my car, but he also shoveled a pathway from the door of my apartment to the door of my vehicle...just for me. have i mentioned that my boyfriend is the best?!

it was too bad, really, that i had to go to work today; it would have been another perfect day for napping and sinking under blankets with my favorite man. here's hoping that the next time snow hits charm city, we're socked in for good....

a girl can dream, can't she?:)

rachael ray is making huevos rancheros in the next room and i'm sitting in my office trying to ignore the fact that i can hear the tv of the lady downstairs. what REALLY interests me right now, however, is the super delish meatloaf i have in the oven; i put a sweet, tomato-y glaze on it with a slight teriyaki nuance. the smells coming from my kitchen are quite heavenly just now. i have nothing much to eat alongside it, but i don't care so much. i may just be eating meat for dinner tonight:)

i'm hoping that an evening of junk TV and an early tuck-in will even things out. and then if the snow is held at bay, this weekend promises a somewhat 'meet the fockers' experience. stay tuned....

back in the land of the living....almost

i've been rather out of commission for awhile now. yes, i know...it's not my preference to leave this much time between blog postings. please forgive. the sickness had overwhelmed me.

i'm feeling much better, although not completely well yet. my voice is still going in and out, the cough is still a bit hacky, and my energy level is still rather low. but other than that, i'm holding my own. in fact, i can almost completely taste food again!

in other news, michael bought me a gazelle power plus machine this weekend and i've already got it set up in my office for when my lung capacity is fully back to normal. truth be told, i'm already using it a bit, but i'm keeping it to a few minutes at a time until i build my endurance back up. it's pretty fun to use and more of a workout than it seems it would be. i'm hoping to work my way up to using it 4 times a week. we'll see how that goes!

also, salimah and i went shopping yesterday at hecht's and exchanged a coffee maker she had gotten me for christmas and instead got me a new set of knives:). i can't tell you how long i've been needing decent knives, and this particular set comes with a free santoku knife - which i've also been wanting for quite awhile! i also got two fabulous handbags and matching wallets, along with some facial moisturizer and a new mousepad.

and now that i have detailed all my purchases for the rest of the world, i'm going to eat some coconut shrimp and rice for dinner and then watch my very favorite addiction for two whole hours. *sigh* mediocre talent and fried seafood - BRING IT ON!

:)

sandpaper

this is what it feels has been rubbed across my throat. i mean really. it's so scratchy and raw. i'm in agony. and the cough. barking, dry, constant. making the sandpaper feeling more pronounced.

oh, and to make matters worse, it's a virus:(. this means that i got no antibiotics of any kind, but i did get codeine, folks. that's right. sweet elixir of sleep, come to me and sing me your songs of happiness....

sorry, did i mention that i've already taken a dose?:)

i've made the difficult decision to stay home from work again tomorrow. i've been deliberating and torturing myself about it all evening, because i feel so bad to miss three days, and yet i'm so incredibly worn out and airheady, i don't feel like i have anything to offer from a work (or personal) standpoint anyway. but my discomfort and exhaustion have won out and i'm going to have to take my chances that all will work out.

i hope....

the winter of my discontent?

i must admit, this year has started off rather uneventfully for me. well, if by uneventful, i mean getting reamed out by my drunken uncle at the dinner table in front of my boyfriend and entire family (technically that was still in 2004, but it was new year's weekend, so i'm counting it), eating a scrumptious meal at roy's restaurant - part of which made me nearly weep (it was that good), a nasty and rather annoying throat/chest cold and upset stomach that have waylayed me for my first two days back to work in the new year (yeah, now THAT's a good way of looking impressive with the boss, sar!)....hmm. is that all? yeah, that'll do it for now.

oh yeah, and now i'm addicted to 24. michael had me watch the entire 3rd season with him on dvd over the break, and it hooked me in so fast; i'm going to have to get the first 2 seasons to round out the storyline fully, but suffice it to say that the 4th season can't come quickly enough to my netflix queue....why does he do these things to me?!

other than all of that, i'm feeling rather down in the dumps. being sick in the new year stinks. i'm heading off to the doctor this afternoon; i think i'd better start on some antibiotics before whatever's in my throat gets any worse. i feel the need to get back on the horse about everything in my life. the holidays are always an exciting time, but the aftermath of blah often makes it seem that they weren't quite worth all their hype. i badly need groceries and clean laundry and vacuumed carpets.

but all of that can wait; what i shall have now is a hot shower and some tea. and perhaps toast or something equally benign. i'm trying to learn not to get too ahead of myself these days. one step at a time. one wool socked foot in front of the other. down the hall. wash my troubles down the drain....

where are you, Christmas?

i awoke this morning feeling refreshed, even after pitifully few hours of sleep; we'll see how long this awake-ness lasts. last night was a melange of joy and frustration. michael and i drove down to monty county, visited with some friends of ours and their six-month-old baby - or really, i should say, the friends' parents, because i got cornered into this question-and-answer session about homeschooling for an hour and a half before we just conveniently 'had' to go. oh well.

then, we went to michael's parents' house where the whole crew had gathered and children were just getting wound up for the evening. we wolfed down a quickie dinner so that michael and i could jet back out the door and get him to his first church service of the evening (he was playing with a brass quintet). since i had a few hours, i got to see my dear naomi who has been making her home of late on the western side of the country. we had some overly sweet coffee and then hung out with the last minute drugstore shoppers and ramshackle christmas eve crew as i wandered the aisles looking for q-tips at cvs. needless to say, it was slim pickins up in there and i was counting my blessings that i do not work in retail - this time of year or any other. we parted ways and i headed back to the halls' place, only to visit for another half hour before we had to leave for church again. i was looking forward to the service, at least, although i did note at the outset that the program looked a bit long. no matter i thought to myself. the first service only took an hour. yeah, well news flash, folks. apparently, pastor man got a bit maudlin and long-winded sometime between 9 and 11, because he droned on and on and on in such that we didn't get out of there until 12:45!!!

suffice it to say that i didn't make it to my warm little apartment until an hour later, only to discover (upon immediately received phone call) that michael's hubcaps had been stolen sometime during the course of the evening. great.

now, it would be tempting to look at all of the above and think yeah, that's pretty much a less than ideal way to spend Christmas eve (except the dear friends part). isn't it supposed to be about cookie-baking and carol-singing and making of merry? there's some christmas song whose lyrics read as follows:

where are you, Christmas?
why can't i find you?
why have you gone away?
where is the laughter
you used to bring me?
why can't i hear music play?

my world is changing;
i'm rearranging.
does that mean Christmas changes too?

where are you, Christmas?
do you remember
the one you used to know?
i'm not the same one;
see what the time's done.
is that why you have let me go?

sure, i suppose that if, to you, christmas were only this flitting emotion that could come and go with the sounds of paper ripping and the twinkling of tinsel and bells and the 'ho-ho-ho' of santa at the mall, then yeah, it would suck more than anything to feel 'christmas' slipping through your fingers if you had to spend it alone today, or if you didn't have money for presents, or if things just weren't going all right.

but here's the truth: Christmas has nothing to do with any of that, really. it's about a love so amazing, so divine, coming down to earth in the form of something so humble, so unrecognizable that it nearly slipped before us, unnoticed...and yet it rocked the world with such force that people still can't seem to stop talking about, arguing about it, fighting for it, dying for it, living for it. and that something - that baby - was and is the light of the world, come to save us from darkness...come to save us from ourselves.

so i won't be asking any questions of Christmas today, because i know where He is..today and every day. He will not let us go. He is here with us. Emmanuel. the Risen Lord. the Christ. and today, again, i worship Him. He has not changed. i have. i have, because of Him.

merry Christmas.

ruins

nothing remarkable happened today - nothing bad, nothing good - but in my heart i will not chalk this up as a 'good day.' because what is remarkable is the sadness i feel...and the way it has been washing over me of late has been, at times, too much.

i'll admit it: i ate a piece of cake today. the good news is that i don't feel it's becoming a pattern of behavior, but at the same time, there are days when i cannot deal to think about my food intake and making sure i eat enough and the right kinds of foods and blahblahblah. i simply don't feel like i can think through all of that right now.

in fact, as i type this, my words seem painfully inadequate to express what i really feel. here, though, is what gives me hope:

the LORD will surely comfort zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
- isaiah 51:3

slow and steady wins the race

today was an abnormally slow day at work. i'm in between big projects and i managed to wipe out my boss's stash of small diversions, so i was left to kind of fend for myself with this textbook that needs a once-over. frankly, i wasn't in the mood for any type of once-overing behavior. and to boot, two of my favorite coworkers were out today:( so life was just boring all around.

but the good news is that even though i've been having kind of a rough time with some emotional crap that has surfaced and although i haven't been keeping as strictly to my food regimen as before, i'm still managing to lose some weight, albeit slowly. what's strange (for me anyway) is that i'm feeling like i want to be exercising. i can't say that i've ever really had the urge to do that - or at least not as strongly as i'm feeling it now. in fact, michael and i have been talking about looking into procuring a treadmill for me. woohoo!!

so who knows. there may be hope for me yet, even if i did eat half a chocolate chip cookie earlier....

and it was good, too:)

home to me

before i go to pick up the illustrious salimah so we can shop and watch movies and do girl things and take tomorrow off from work (yay vacation!), i must drop a note out into the void (for those of you who care to read my thoughts)....

last night, michael's sister came over to sup with us. i made chicken cacciatore and fresh spinach sauteed in garlic and olive oil. we had crusty, whole-grain bread and some pinot noir. conversation was delightful and flowed easily and mary ann was all too happy to brag on how wonderful her little brother was as a child. believe me, i've seen the pictures; he was cute even then. it's probably good we didn't meet in nursery school; i'm sure my three-year old self wouldn't have been able to resist his blonde hair and big blue eyes (i was all about the boys back then) and i don't know that he would have taken too well to me insisting that he kiss me goodbye or lie next to me every afternoon during nap time (yes indeed, i was quite the romancer).

admittedly, my romancing tactics are quite different these days; now it's much more about cooking fun meals and such. don't be fooled, people. the way to a man's heart may not be directly through his stomach, but it's certainly a pit stop along the way;).

in all seriousness, i had a really great time this thanksgiving break just being with michael - eating, talking, watching movies. i cannot explain the comfort of being with him. there is no pretense, no hiding, no putting on of fronts. it is just time with him. just time to be me. just time to be us.

michael, i love you. you are home to me.

prelude to thanks

so it's tuesday evening and i've been sick to my stomach for the last 4 days (since saturday). i worked from home today and after putting in a good day's worth of effort, i decided to take a 'short' nap. THREE hours later, here i sit, still muddled by bad dreams, feeling all strange as the post-pseudocoma anxiety swirls around me.

i just want to feel better so that i can get on with my upcoming five-day weekend (to include much time with michael and then Christmas shopping and making of merry with salimah). i'm going to 'mind-over-matter' it this time and hope for the best.

besides, i want to enjoy the thanksgiving dinner i've got planned. here's the menu as it now stands:

stuffed turkey cutlets (with shrooms, cranberries, sage, and walnuts), rolled and glazed with cranberry something-or-other
squash casserole with onions
roasted sweet potatoes with cinnamon
green beans kicked up some notches
fresh cranberry sauce

dessert: two-layer pumpkin cream pie

i'm splurging on the dessert side of things and going mostly yummy veggie and protein for the rest.

now, as excited as i am about making all of that, i'm really thrilled to spend time with some of the people i love this holiday. there is truly no greater gift than that of close relationships in which you can really be yourself. God has blessed me with some wonderful people in my life...and i don't say that to be trite. my relationships are worth a lot to me, because they have involved a lot of time and tears and talking through things. the resulting quality of relating, though, far outshines any 'work' involved. i spent so many years feeling so alone, and to be an adult and feel like i've finally got some people who put as much into my life as i put into theirs - well, that's something worthy of some thanksgiving!

here's hoping that your holiday is spent with people who really know you...and may there be delicious treats waiting at every turn!

decision 2004

there were a lot of reasons that i voted the way i did: abortion, gay marriage/civil unions, the war, terrorism, taxes, health care, etc. but at the end of the day, there are other things to consider besides issues. while i am not one to be overly swayed by emotions, i cannot discount the feeling i have about someone in my 'gut.'

some of you may have read this guy's story of a personal experience with the president. it did nothing to sway my vote in the least, but served instead to confirm what i already felt in my heart.

yesterday, i wrote the president an e-mail. i'd only ever done that one other time - when war broke out. i know he may never read what i wrote, but i wanted to go on record that, win or lose, he was the one choice for me in this election.

so, despite the bitter divisions that exist in this country today, i cannot suppress my own gladness at the outcome of this election, and it is my hope that mudslinging and name-calling can be put to rest (although this, i realize, is a bit of a reach - especially in my family). i feel very strongly that it's my responsibility not to insult people in office, and if kerry had won today, i would respect him as president.

but 'tis not the case this time, so it is with great joy that i raise my glass to our current and continuing president. dubya, i'm glad it's you again. the decision is final this time, and oh what a relief it is!

the die is cast

so today, with trembling hand (i hadn't yet eaten anything and it was nearly noon), i cast my vote for what is arguably the most important presidential election of my young life.

now, the time comes to sit and wait....