slow and steady wins the race

today was an abnormally slow day at work. i'm in between big projects and i managed to wipe out my boss's stash of small diversions, so i was left to kind of fend for myself with this textbook that needs a once-over. frankly, i wasn't in the mood for any type of once-overing behavior. and to boot, two of my favorite coworkers were out today:( so life was just boring all around.

but the good news is that even though i've been having kind of a rough time with some emotional crap that has surfaced and although i haven't been keeping as strictly to my food regimen as before, i'm still managing to lose some weight, albeit slowly. what's strange (for me anyway) is that i'm feeling like i want to be exercising. i can't say that i've ever really had the urge to do that - or at least not as strongly as i'm feeling it now. in fact, michael and i have been talking about looking into procuring a treadmill for me. woohoo!!

so who knows. there may be hope for me yet, even if i did eat half a chocolate chip cookie earlier....

and it was good, too:)

home to me

before i go to pick up the illustrious salimah so we can shop and watch movies and do girl things and take tomorrow off from work (yay vacation!), i must drop a note out into the void (for those of you who care to read my thoughts)....

last night, michael's sister came over to sup with us. i made chicken cacciatore and fresh spinach sauteed in garlic and olive oil. we had crusty, whole-grain bread and some pinot noir. conversation was delightful and flowed easily and mary ann was all too happy to brag on how wonderful her little brother was as a child. believe me, i've seen the pictures; he was cute even then. it's probably good we didn't meet in nursery school; i'm sure my three-year old self wouldn't have been able to resist his blonde hair and big blue eyes (i was all about the boys back then) and i don't know that he would have taken too well to me insisting that he kiss me goodbye or lie next to me every afternoon during nap time (yes indeed, i was quite the romancer).

admittedly, my romancing tactics are quite different these days; now it's much more about cooking fun meals and such. don't be fooled, people. the way to a man's heart may not be directly through his stomach, but it's certainly a pit stop along the way;).

in all seriousness, i had a really great time this thanksgiving break just being with michael - eating, talking, watching movies. i cannot explain the comfort of being with him. there is no pretense, no hiding, no putting on of fronts. it is just time with him. just time to be me. just time to be us.

michael, i love you. you are home to me.

prelude to thanks

so it's tuesday evening and i've been sick to my stomach for the last 4 days (since saturday). i worked from home today and after putting in a good day's worth of effort, i decided to take a 'short' nap. THREE hours later, here i sit, still muddled by bad dreams, feeling all strange as the post-pseudocoma anxiety swirls around me.

i just want to feel better so that i can get on with my upcoming five-day weekend (to include much time with michael and then Christmas shopping and making of merry with salimah). i'm going to 'mind-over-matter' it this time and hope for the best.

besides, i want to enjoy the thanksgiving dinner i've got planned. here's the menu as it now stands:

stuffed turkey cutlets (with shrooms, cranberries, sage, and walnuts), rolled and glazed with cranberry something-or-other
squash casserole with onions
roasted sweet potatoes with cinnamon
green beans kicked up some notches
fresh cranberry sauce

dessert: two-layer pumpkin cream pie

i'm splurging on the dessert side of things and going mostly yummy veggie and protein for the rest.

now, as excited as i am about making all of that, i'm really thrilled to spend time with some of the people i love this holiday. there is truly no greater gift than that of close relationships in which you can really be yourself. God has blessed me with some wonderful people in my life...and i don't say that to be trite. my relationships are worth a lot to me, because they have involved a lot of time and tears and talking through things. the resulting quality of relating, though, far outshines any 'work' involved. i spent so many years feeling so alone, and to be an adult and feel like i've finally got some people who put as much into my life as i put into theirs - well, that's something worthy of some thanksgiving!

here's hoping that your holiday is spent with people who really know you...and may there be delicious treats waiting at every turn!

decision 2004

there were a lot of reasons that i voted the way i did: abortion, gay marriage/civil unions, the war, terrorism, taxes, health care, etc. but at the end of the day, there are other things to consider besides issues. while i am not one to be overly swayed by emotions, i cannot discount the feeling i have about someone in my 'gut.'

some of you may have read this guy's story of a personal experience with the president. it did nothing to sway my vote in the least, but served instead to confirm what i already felt in my heart.

yesterday, i wrote the president an e-mail. i'd only ever done that one other time - when war broke out. i know he may never read what i wrote, but i wanted to go on record that, win or lose, he was the one choice for me in this election.

so, despite the bitter divisions that exist in this country today, i cannot suppress my own gladness at the outcome of this election, and it is my hope that mudslinging and name-calling can be put to rest (although this, i realize, is a bit of a reach - especially in my family). i feel very strongly that it's my responsibility not to insult people in office, and if kerry had won today, i would respect him as president.

but 'tis not the case this time, so it is with great joy that i raise my glass to our current and continuing president. dubya, i'm glad it's you again. the decision is final this time, and oh what a relief it is!

the die is cast

so today, with trembling hand (i hadn't yet eaten anything and it was nearly noon), i cast my vote for what is arguably the most important presidential election of my young life.

now, the time comes to sit and wait....

the rest of the story.... (a.k.a. 'how i almost punched a triage nurse in the face')

first, let me say - to those of you who have been praying and have called or written to wish me well - thank you SO much!!

okay, so here's the deal. basically, early tuesday morning (5:45 a.m.), i was in my bed, fast asleep, when suddenly i was awakened by what felt like a bad leg cramp. as i rolled over to throw myself out of bed (in an attempt to walk it off), i felt something pop in the back of my knee and the pain nearly crippled me.

i spent the next several minutes writhing and moaning in pain, praying to God to help me, and wondering if i should call an ambulance (yes, the pain was that bad). eventually, i hobbled over to the bathroom and got immediately in the shower (hoping that the hot water would calm the muscle spasms - it didn't). when that proved futile, i limped back into my room and left michael a message on his voice mail, telling him i was scared and needed help. then i called salimah and whined pitifully into the phone while my leg continued to spasm and twitch. agony, i tell you.

anyway, long story short, i went to an urgent care facility where i was told that it could be a blood clot (even though it seemed doubtful to me, but whatever) and that i needed to go to the ER for a venous doppler (ultrasound) test.

michael and i went over to the hospital and arrived at around 10 a.m.. we sat in the waiting room for over FOUR HOURS (i will spare you the details of my aggravation and near fight with the triage nurse), and then i was taken back into a room where i waited for another hour or more. eventually, a rather groggy-looking doctor came in, examined me, and then sent me upstairs to get my ultrasound.

after much more sitting around and being wheeled through the hospital on a stretcher (made me dizzy), i had a very pleasant - although painful - experience with the ultrasound tech (who was required, unfortunately, to press her ultrasound device rather harshly into my thigh in various places). the test was normal, though, so it was worth the discomfort...and as an added bonus, i got to see my veins do their job (technology is way cool!). the doppler was like a weather map inside my body - flowing dots of color....the storm of life raging through my veins.

by this point, i had already taken a muscle relaxant and was starting to feel rather 'loopy.' i had to wait in the hall for another 40 minutes before some people came to take me back to the ER, but once i was there again, they made relatively quick work of getting me out of there.

michael and i went by my office to pick up some work (just in case) and then out for dinner. at this point, it was after 6:30 and neither of us had eaten since 7:15 that morning. we had a delicious mexican dinner at the little place up the street from me (what a find!), although i will admit that i barely remember any of it. by the time we left there, my eyes were practically rolling back in my head.

we went back to my house and i brushed my teeth and crawled into bed. michael rubbed my leg for awhile and sat with me before tucking me in and leaving me to enjoy my stupor. at some point after that, salimah called me, but i have no real memory of the phone call. apparently, i answered most of my questions with a 'hmmmm?' or 'hhoooooo?'

so, four days later, i'm still rather sore and still cooped up in my house, but i'm starting to get better, and i'm excited to be getting back into the swing of things. i'm not entirely sure what this whole experience was all about, but in the midst of it, i've gotten to spend some nice time with the boy. i must say, though...i kind of wish i didn't have to hurt so much in the process....

but hey, that's life. a bit of pain, a dose of happiness, and maybe a dash of oprah thrown in for good measure.:)

newsflash

i spent all of tuesday at the hospital in the ER. my leg hurts too much now to sit here and tell you all about it, but suffice it to say that i sustained an injury and have been on muscle relaxants and bed rest ever since.

so if anyone in the area feels like coming over and cheering me up, give me a shout out;).

if i wrote you a letter, it would say this:

today was less than stellar. i wound up having to stay at work for a total of 11.5 hours so that i could finish up a project before tomorrow morning. technically i didn't have to stay, but the thought of having to extend the editing of this reprint for another day was making me want to cry. i was the last to leave the office at 7 and the darkness enveloped me as i left the building.

you can't imagine how alone i felt in that moment, walking to my car in the darkened parking lot. even the dashboard lights didn't seem as bright tonight. the night was insistent, unyielding.

and was it an accident that while i drove down the highway towards my empty apartment, all the songs spoke of waiting and longing and wanting something other than what is now? i don't think so. i said this to you already, but it is the feeling of not belonging that is truly maddening. the realization that, in the midst of many, you're the only one there....and in the company of new friends, you still feel that you don't quite fit.

but the memory of your arms around me - with only the light from the kitchen casting shadows on the wall - warms me, even in my sadness. the truth is, i don't want to be anywhere else but with you.

with you, i know where i belong.

the fairy tale myth

yesterday and this morning, i watched two movies based on the tale of cinderella: 'ella enchanted' and 'a cinderella story.' first, let me say that, yes, i subjected myself to hilary duff for 95 long minutes. and was it worth it? notsomuch.

but here's the thing: it's important to recognize that, throughout the history of film, we have had portrayals of these magic-moments-type romances thrown upon the big screen to entice our hearts and our minds toward believing that it's really supposed to happen that way. and even in our so-called 'reality' fixated society, we're still neck deep in fantasy. look at the way we live our lives: there are more and more methods of escape available to us, and we, as a culture, buy into each and every one of them. Internet chat rooms, pornography, 'virtual reality' games, drug-filled raves...the list goes on and on. and sure, some people might say that all of that crap is focused more on 'the young.' well, yeah, why not pollute the minds of children so that they're all good and fantasy-addicted before they're even 18? but also, have you seen how many adults buy into all that stuff as well?

okay, well i digress....

anyway, the point is that the fairy tale, to me, is largely empty. these people don't KNOW each other. they meet, stars collide, hearts swoon, and bam, in 95 minutes, they're in love and everything's perfect. news flash, kids: the real world doesn't work that way. if my life were a movie, it would largely be about resolving conflicts, having hard conversations, struggling to be patient, feeling frustrated, and battling confusion at every turn. but oh yes, there would be moments of sweetness woven throughout. moments of real joy and laughter and understanding and lots of hugs and sighs of relief.

and to me, that kind of story is one that catches my eye, because it's not so prescripted that i can see the ending before we even begin. my story is a lot more suspenseful - at times, terrifying - and the dialogue, while interesting, is far from any movie script.

so i'll take the anti-fairy tale, please. sure, it's fun to divert one's attention for awhile, but real life must always reign supreme. what's the use in drowning the cares of the world for the sake of a few moments of 'bliss,' when true life will be there to smack you in the face once you wake up from your happy coma? i prefer to remain in the muck so that i can really enjoy the sun when the skies do clear. it's much more authentic that way. no movie sets for me.

one question still remains unanswered, however: will this princess get her guy in the end and live happily ever after?

i guess you'll have to keep watching the story unfold to find out....

fits and starts

every time i have purposed in my mind to write in this blog, something has stymied that wanting. i am, more than ever, noncommittal to the notion of putting my thoughts down on paper....er, screen. it's nothing personal, dear blog readers (all precious few of you). it's just that i've been out living my life, learning to open up my heart a bit more, and taking a lot of decongestants:). (okay, so the decongestants didn't really have anything to do with it, but it's still true, nevertheless.)

things have been going pretty well with me, save this pesky virus/cold/thing that still lingers a bit and makes me very tired some days. but relationships at work are building, michael and i are growing ever closer, and i am gearing up for the holidays and lots of cooking and spending time with friends and family.

fall rocks. it holds within its hand the promise that at some point, after the hardness of winter, new life will spring up new and green and altogether forward-thinking. but in the meantime, it's all about nesting and snuggling and being shielded from the cold. oh, and did i mention soup?:) yes, we like soup and sandwiches on crusty bread (yay, panera!) and leaves crunching and turtlenecks and cocoa and pumpkins.

winter, hold yourself back. i want to enjoy this changing time - fits and all:)

nothing like the sun

the truth is that, in the human hearts of this world, there are just some places that are dark. they always have been, and perhaps they always will be. and no amount of counseling, anti-depressants, and self-help books will ever change that. the only thing...and i stress, the only thing that will go into those places and make them as day is the Holy Spirit. it is as if God, who is light, is a magnet to the darkness, in that one cannot help but be lit if He comes your way and gets under your skin.

all of this occurred to me today on a deeper level when someone who is normally rather happy began cursing almost out of nowhere in reaction to something i said (cursing not at me, but about the situation). a seed of bitterness rising up out of her heart's soil and blooming - in that instant - into a flower of anger.

i'm shocked that i was surprised by it, but it amazed me. and yet i know, having said that, there are still places in my own heart that could produce a garden. and i cannot weed that crap out myself. nothing but the light will do.

don't cry for me, dear blog readers....

the truth is i never left you. the other truth is that i'm not evita, so i'm going to cut that out.

okay, so let me sum up the events of the last week. here they are, in whatever order i type them:

1. i had a rental car from thursday the 23rd until this thursday because of ONE LITTLE THING WRONG in my car that the dealership was having trouble fixing. and the real kicker? it's mostly fixed, but not 100%.

2. tuesday, during the storm from hell (sorry, but it pretty much was), i was driving said rental car out of my work parking lot and just as i was about to make a right turn across the light rail tracks (which, incidentally, run parallel to my building and the road leading away from my building), the force of the wind and rain caused the wires over the train to CATCH ON FIRE and sparks SHOT IN THE AIR. but it was hard to see this, really, since the rain was driving down so hard, it was really obstructing my vision. and then, to add to the obstruction, after the FLAMES SHOT IN THE AIR, the entire road was ENGULFED IN CHEMICAL-BURN-SMELLING SMOKE and i could not see beyond my windshield. so what did i do? prayed to Jesus and made a completely blind three-point turn and headed back to my job. like i said, i couldn't see at all, but i didn't know if that train was about to blow up or something, so my one chance at safety - i thought - was to go back to work. so i make it back to the building, look down at the floor of the car, and realize that my RENTAL CAR IS FLOODED. who knows if it was like this when i got in, or if driving around through the rushing waters on the roads made it flood. either way. me not happy.

incidentally, i did make it home safely - about an hour and a half later than i should have. no worries.

3. CNN was supposed to show up at my office on wednesday. they didn't come, however, because they got held up and/or took a wrong turn or some such nonsense. on the bright side, however, our office is looking mighty spiffy and i got a bookshelf in my cubicle:).

4. michael has pneumonia.

5. i now have a temperature and tightness in my chest and i'm feeling very achy. i wonder if the fact that i got rather wet on tuesday (see #2) is contributing to any of this.

6. oy.

7. please pray for me.

i'm off to bed early tonight. oh, and no disrespect to madonna or anything, but eva peron, she ain't.

this morning, i woke at 7:30 feeling ready to start the day. i showered and then padded quietly down the hall to wake salimah, who had stayed over last night. she got up and ready, and after having what will henceforth be known as the 'styrofoam peanut debacle,' we grabbed a quick mcd's breakfast and went to pick up michael for a trip to weber's farm. none of us had ever been there before, so we decided to try it out (i'm on a farmer's market kick right now). i wasn't super impressed by the produce, much of which you could buy at the grocery store for about the same price, but the baked goods looked pretty good and i got a peach praline pie, some cheese rolls, a couple of red and yellow peppers, some apple butter bbq sauce, some bananas, and a baby pumpkin for my desk at work (compliments of salimah). michael and i then dropped salimah off at home and headed to trinacria, an italian store by lexington market in the city. i scored a large can of olive oil (10 bucks), three bottles of decent-looking wine (4 bucks each!), some grated romano cheese (i like it better than parmigiano), some spices and tomato paste in a tube (love it!), and 59-cent pasta, which is really excellent stuff.

i feel like i made out like a bandit today:). now, michael is on his way over and we're gonna hang out and eat pie for the evening. bet you're jealous - i know. don't worry, i'll save you a bite!:)

okay, well the last post is not an indication of how i've really been feeling for the last 5 or so days. much of my angst was resolved by saturday afternoon, and although it left me with a serious stomach ache, my heart wasn't hurting and i didn't have that pit of frustration inside of me.

the days in between have been mostly fine, save a few moments of agitation and anxiety over a dental visit and some car woes. i'm in a loaner right now until probably saturday morning, and while i'm not happy about it, at least the people at the dealership believe that there's something actually wrong with the vehicle (after i went down there for 2 hours and would not leave until someone saw what i saw).

it is unfortunate but true that sometimes things only get done if you make them happen. oh well.

in other news, i'm still liking my job. getting up to go to work in the morning doesn't leave me feeling ill like it used to. what a relief that is!

and the whipped cream of this week is that michael and i have been having some good talks and really enjoying our time together lately. thank the Lord for the big - and small - things!

i knew i should have stayed in bed.

my morning began with me stumbling out of bed groggily towards the bathroom and soundly slamming my left arm into the corner of my dresser, removing a half-inch strip of skin in the process. i rubbed it briskly to try and stop the searing pain before stepping into what turned out to be too-hot water, which slightly scalded my still-groggy self.

and all of this was before 7 a.m.

the whole day at work, i felt stiff and sore and generally sad for no real reason, and this was followed by some personal conflict, the details of which i will not discuss here. and did i mention that i lost a part of my cell phone earpiece? grrrrr!!!

suffice it to say that the events of this day have left me feeling annoyed, frustrated, still sore, and generally grumpy. pardon my complaining, but sometimes a bit of a rant is in order.

okay, well, /rant.

and i'm out.

southland in the springtime

last monday (labor day), as i sat in tony roma's eating some rather delicious ribs, i had a truly genius idea: make a sweeping road trip tour of the south in order to seek out the best bbq in tennessee. frankly, ideas like this come to me all the time; this one, i voiced out loud. salimah, who was sitting across the table from me, finger deep in sauce heartily growled out her reply in between bites...something to the effect of 'oh YEAAHHH.'

you see, we are carnivores. straight to the core. i apologize to all you who feel that beef and pork and chicken are off limits. not me, man. i am altogether into meat. in fact, i feel ill if i don't eat it at least once a day. (i prefer twice, but who are we kidding? sometimes, this isn't possible.) the thought of driving a couple thousand miles to eat some ribs in memphis, sitting in a blues club, with elvis souvenirs stuck in my suitcase (well, you CANNOT go to memphis and not visit graceland, can you?!) seems perfectly logical to me.

so, memphis it is. and then, if we're feeling spunky, we'll swing east and go to savannah, taking a chance to meet our favorite southern cooking lady, see all the weeping willows and the grand, sweeping front porches, drink sweet tea, and see what 'midnight in the garden of good and evil' was REALLY all about.

in short, i'm psyched. grill them piggies up. come springtime, we goin' south!!

perhaps i will look back at this time as that of pub cheese on crackers and evening bubble baths, of going to bed early and waking up alone, of driving through the misty hills on my way to work, nothing but the sound of the wind in my ears.

today as i scrubbed the sink and watched the soapy water swirl down the newly shiny drain, i realized how quickly things can be erased, how in an instant all that you once saw before you can be gone...how all the days and months of living can wash away with one swipe of anti-microbial cleanser.

please don't get me wrong. i was not feeling melancholy. my life these days is actually rather satisfying to me. i get up early, quickly get ready for work, have some oatmeal, spend 8 hours fine-tuning curriculum that will be used by children all over the world, come home, have a simple dinner, talk to friends, and then go to bed at a reasonable hour, only to begin it again the next day. there is structure. there are clothes in my closet from which to choose. my bank account is tenuous but managing. my parents and i talk at least once a week and try to see each other every month or two. my close friends are just as close as ever. i sleep pretty well, for the most part, and my world is without much in the way of drama.

things are fine. good, even. stable. it is as though some maids have come through and done their magic. it still feels like my life, in so many ways, but it's been given a fresh coat of paint and some scrubbing. and i'm freed up to focus on the beauty rather than the dirt in the corners. i can enjoy those small moments again, the way i did when i was a little kid and everything was full of promise. when bubble baths made my whole day and a shiny sink was more a masterpiece than a chore.

perhaps i will see this time through rose-colored glasses someday...when kids are rushing all around me and the roast is about to burn in the oven. then again, perhaps i see it now through those same glasses....or maybe i do see it with the lens of truth: every day, every moment is a gift. may God continue to make my heart truly grateful for all the days i have seen, for all the hurts and all the shame and all the loneliness that drove me into His arms. to be able to see my world shine again is a greater gift than i could have ever imagined.

thank you, Jesus.

tiny bubbles....

i just had the most delicious bubble bath ever! i spent the last 3 hours at work not feeling well today (stomach issues) and i was praying to God that time would move along rather quickly so i could get out of there. the last three hours seemed like an eternity, especially since my stomach was precarious at best. but, by the time i got in the car, i felt that my mission to get home quickly would be accomplished....and so it was. i made it home in just under 15 minutes! i came quickly upstairs, checked my e-mail, scrubbed out the tub, and then filled it up with soapy, hot water and slipped in, feeling my tense muscles relax and my cares dissolve into the bubbles....

this is starting to feel like a calgon commercial....

anyway, suffice it to say that i feel REALLY relaxed right now. so much so that i fear it may be difficult to stay awake until bedtime. thankfully, i've got some work to keep me busy and i may just move my laptop in front of the tube so i can kill two birds with one food network show:).

s'lovely

despite the overcast skies and rather dreary feel to the day, salimah and i arose mid-morning, got ready, and drove out to westminster to pick up some delights from this quaint place. collectively, we scored cherry, peach, and blueberry pies, pumpkin butter, freshly baked rolls, dried dill dip mix, and fresh corn, tomatoes, potatoes, and peaches. i can't wait to have some fresh veggies with my dinner tonight:).

after that outing, we were both rather hungry, so we made a stop for some ribs (delish!) and then dropped my things home before going to retrieve her mom's wallet from the site of their dinner from last night.

saturday, michael and i had taken salimah her gifts and then out for an italian lunchtime meal. salimah and i then spent the rest of saturday vegging at my place, watching movies, and eating leftovers from lunch, as well as some slightly overbaked lemon bars.

then, sunday, we went to the mall where she got some new clothes and a briefcase, and we both procured various other sundries at the dollar store (don't get me started about how much we love this place)....we then went back to her place to set up all her new things and so that her mother and jim could come and take her out to dinner (see reference to wallet debacle above). i stayed at her place while they were out and got some much-needed work done. plus, it allowed us to spend another evening and day together hanging out, and left just enough time last night for a quick trip to RITAS:)....

so, in summation, salimah's birthday weekend was all about shopping and food and hanging out. just the way we wanted to spend it. tomorrow it's back into the swing of things, but i feel refreshed and renewed a bit to start all over again. besides, next weekend, there's a women's retreat, and that promises to be a lovely time as well.

s'wonderful, dontcha think?

dearest salimah joylynne,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

you, my friend, are only getting better with age....here's to another year of madcap fun and adventures, much laughter, and happiness beyond measure. i pray that all for you...and more.

love always,
sarah elizabeth