s'lovely

despite the overcast skies and rather dreary feel to the day, salimah and i arose mid-morning, got ready, and drove out to westminster to pick up some delights from this quaint place. collectively, we scored cherry, peach, and blueberry pies, pumpkin butter, freshly baked rolls, dried dill dip mix, and fresh corn, tomatoes, potatoes, and peaches. i can't wait to have some fresh veggies with my dinner tonight:).

after that outing, we were both rather hungry, so we made a stop for some ribs (delish!) and then dropped my things home before going to retrieve her mom's wallet from the site of their dinner from last night.

saturday, michael and i had taken salimah her gifts and then out for an italian lunchtime meal. salimah and i then spent the rest of saturday vegging at my place, watching movies, and eating leftovers from lunch, as well as some slightly overbaked lemon bars.

then, sunday, we went to the mall where she got some new clothes and a briefcase, and we both procured various other sundries at the dollar store (don't get me started about how much we love this place)....we then went back to her place to set up all her new things and so that her mother and jim could come and take her out to dinner (see reference to wallet debacle above). i stayed at her place while they were out and got some much-needed work done. plus, it allowed us to spend another evening and day together hanging out, and left just enough time last night for a quick trip to RITAS:)....

so, in summation, salimah's birthday weekend was all about shopping and food and hanging out. just the way we wanted to spend it. tomorrow it's back into the swing of things, but i feel refreshed and renewed a bit to start all over again. besides, next weekend, there's a women's retreat, and that promises to be a lovely time as well.

s'wonderful, dontcha think?

dearest salimah joylynne,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

you, my friend, are only getting better with age....here's to another year of madcap fun and adventures, much laughter, and happiness beyond measure. i pray that all for you...and more.

love always,
sarah elizabeth

i'm hot

i mean, really, i'm burning up. sweating, even. and my a/c is set to a crisp 70 degrees. but i am seriously so hot. and i'm not really running a temperature. and i'm not wearing heavy clothes. and i'm drinking lots of water. what is going on with me??

now, in other news, the soap at work is eating the skin off my hands. they are literally peeling. this means, of course, that i'm going to have to be a nerd and bring my own soap to my job so that i can manage the situation without too much of a problem. additionally, i will be swathing myself in lotion four to six times an hour to try and manage the fact that my skin is disappearing from my hands. it's traumatic, really.

and that, combined with the fact that i'm ridiculously hot, must tell you how i'm feeling just now.

things, needless to say, have felt better....

and YET i got to see my parents today. salimah and i drove to tyson's corner early this afternoon and met up with mom and dad at maggiano's and had a lovely lunch. we then went to williams-sonoma (sigh) and procured a few very-on-sale items and made our way back to charm city via 7-11 for some water (did i mention how hot i am and that being hot makes you really thirsty?).

i then spent the evening with michael:) and we watched the movie 'identity,' which, let me say it, FREAKED ME OUT.

so now i'm contemplating bed...or an ice bath...or both, and i'm hoping that me and my very warm and very lotioned self can make it through the day tomorrow without sweating or having any weird movie flashbacks (good film, but rather unnerving).

the good news is, however, that i will be having some quiche lorraine for lunch tomorrow (two words: buttery crust!) and salimah's birthday is next weekend (yay!). here's hoping you all make it through without a case of the mondays!!

and i'm out.

'looks like we made it....'

pardon me for not writing in here for awhile, but i did indeed make it through my first week of work!! the people at my office are just as nice as they can be, and all week long, different people came to check on me and make sure i was hanging in there. plus, there is a full, macked-out kitchen with two fridges and an ice maker!! basically, i'm in heaven:)

and my weekend was nice, although not long enough. i spent time with friends, ate some good food, and made a DELICIOUS blueberry pie. holy cow! and i got to be with michael, which is always a special part of any day....:)

so, it's monday and the work week has started over. it's looking very busy up ahead, and i'm praying to the Lord that i'll get some good rest this week. oh, and as an added bonus, i just learned that peapod is delivering in baltimore now, so i've got groceries on their way to my house this evening:).

and one more thing: my apologies to barry manilow....

to begin again....

for the last week, i have been slowly picking away at my very long to-do list and, with the help of some trusted friends, i have made some real, measurable progress on my apartment & my life. here, in no particular order, are the items that i can now, with great relief, cross off the list:

1. rearrange/organize china cabinet (add a shelf)
2. rearrange/organize/clean out laundry room/pantry
3. rearrange/organize/clean out office closet
4. rearrange bookshelves
5. pare down book collection
6. rearrange bedroom
7. clean my bathroom
8. clear off and condition wood sideboard in kitchen
9. organize pots, pans, and baking dishes
10. rearrange living room furniture
11. dust and vacuum like crazy
12. order some clothes using online gift certificates
13. go clothes shopping to procure items for new job

and here is what i have left to do:

1. organize and vacuum my office
2. file papers (see #1)
3. clean kitchen sink
4. finish helping michael sort and organize his business papers

as soon as i finish this blog posting, i will be working towards accomplishing items 1 and 2. i want to get as much done today before i pass out this evening.

and tomorrow....

i start my new job:). i will get a full paycheck in two weeks (thank you, Jesus!) and my health insurance (100% paid) begins september 1. and hopefully, within a few weeks, i will have a second part-time job lined up (must. pay. off. debt.) and then i will be set to have a firm schedule, with many extraneous tasks off my somewhat cluttered mind.

i know that all this time, i have been going on about the business of my life, but much of my 'business' has been internal. now is the time for me to clear my plate, as it were, to dust and vacuum and sweep out the clutter that is continuing to hold me back. there is more ahead of me, more tasks to accomplish, more goals to set and realize. and i am moving one step at a time towards the life i should be living.

sometimes there are years of buildup in our hearts and minds and souls. but praise be to God that He gives us the tools and the strength and the FRIENDS to walk through those things and out into freedom. i feel like i've been given another chance....another opportunity to make things right.

i'm resting on your grace, dear Jesus. and i'm holding onto your word, which tells me that your mercies are new every morning. and so, i am here at the start of the next phase. another chance to step forward, to be stronger...

to begin again....

worship

i am enamored of single trees. not single socks or single donuts...not single most things. but single trees. for some reason, my breath always catches in my throat when i drive by a field and see one, lone tree, with nothing to distract it from its straining skyward.

the other afternoon, i was driving home in the bright sunshine that comes only after a torrential downpour. the mist was rising off the pavement, and everything was glistening and hazy. i was struck by how staggering the earth looked, how fresh, how clean. somehow, even the people i saw looked a little less smudged and tarnished, less dusty from their days.

that is the way that God likes us. cleaned off, undistracted and straining towards Him. it must be staggering to see it from His point of view...much more so, even than from mine....

dear Lord, i pray for your mercy on this nation.

what's coming next?

delicious


the view from my office window

the breeze is simply yummy today. quite cool, just how i like it. it's making me want to bake something. perhaps a cake is in order....yes, i think a lemon one with triple sec/vanilla frosting will do. and then perhaps some italian food (meatballs with pasta and homemade sauce) for dinner. i need to reconnect with my kitchen. i feel we've been out of synch.

in other news, i'm running a load of laundry and contemplating lunch (leftovers from last night, most likely). i should do a bit of shopping at some point this weekend. i need to pick up some fresh veggies and a few other dairy items.

i'll be meeting some friends for lunch tomorrow at la madeleine. such a throwback to my time in monty county. i am looking forward to tomato basil soup and some kind of puff pastry number.

now i'm off to throw my clothes in the dryer and plot out the rest of my afternoon....

did i mention that i love time off?!

go figure

i've just finished a small plate of chicken with mushrooms in wine sauce over pasta (made by yours truly) and i've got a blueberry/peach/apricot crisp in the oven (about which i'm feeling rather psyched), but i must say: something ain't right. i was so hungry earlier that i felt this weird pain inside (and not just hunger - beyond that), but then just before eating, i felt really ill suddenly and not in the mood to ingest any food.

honestly, i don't think things have been quite right since that whole 'stomach flu debacle.'

but hey, i'm a trooper, and i'm supposing that a bit of vanilla ice cream and some baked fruit won't be hard to choke down....i know, it's rough, but someone's gotta do it. might as well be me....:)

organization

having just paid my exhorbitant insurance bill, i am now sitting at my desk trying to decide what part of my apartment will get my attention today.  i have about 10 days off before i start my new job(!!!), so i'm trying to use the time wisely.

i just have this need to want to be more settled and arranged before things start getting too busy for me to see straight

hmm...i'm thinking that the closet in my office is whining for some serious attention....

road trip

i managed to take no actual pictures of richmond this past weekend, but here were a few shots from the car ride up and back. enjoy!


it's enough to be on your way....


there were three trees in a field....the father, the son, and the holy spirit:)



these clouds were magnificent. really. this picture does no justice to them.

i am sorry to say that i missed taking a picture of this humped animal that i prayed was a llama (instead of something deformed and likely shunned by its fellow pasture-dwellers). i also missed getting a shot of this cute little church that would be perfect for a fall wedding. oh, yes, and i completely and utterly forgot to take pics of my parents and their beautiful new house. oh well. next time:)....

the verdict

tonight, i spent some time watching the democratic national convention.  am i a democrat?  no.  will i be voting for john kerry in november?  not likely.  but is that the point?  not in the least. 

i watched the convention because i needed a jolt of reality.  a sobering moment, if you will, to look at the state of mind and heart of some citizens in this country.  to see the faces of rabid people swarming in a frenzy over the hope that some political candidate will be able to impact their lives - and hearts and families and the other things they hold dear - in a permanent, profound way.  (and please do not misunderstand me here; i am not under the impression that the republican convention will be any different.)

let me say this while i have a chance: i do not hold the belief that it is possible to be that consumed with politics and in a similar way consumed with the person and work of Jesus Christ.

and as a citizen of God's kingdom, it is my duty to concern myself first and foremost with the goings-on of His word, His spirit, His heart.  as the (sometimes sappy but in a gosh-don'tcha-love-his-songs kind of way) Christian artist ray boltz so appropriately penned, 'i pledge allegiance to the Lamb....'  you read that right.  not to the flag, not to my president or my country or any organization, group, or party. 

so will i be voting in the presidential election this fall?  yes, because i feel like it's my responsibility as a citizen of this country in which God has placed me.  but will the outcome of this election, will my political party affiliation, will my support or rejection of any social issue or economic agenda make or break my acknowledgement of truth at the end of the day?  no way.  not now.  not ever. 

'now the years have come and the years have gone, but the cause of Jesus still goes on.  and now our time has come to count the cost, to reject this world, and embrace the cross.  and one by one let us live our lives for the One who died to give us life.  till the trumpet sounds on the final day, let us proudly stand and boldly say, 'i pledge allegiance to the Lamb, with all my strength, with all i am.  i will seek to honor His command.  i pledge allegiance to the Lamb.'

to the Lamb of God who bore my pain, who took my place, who wore my shame, i will seek to honor His commands. I pledge allegiance to the Lamb.' (lyrics by ray boltz)

note: for some interesting perspectives on this and other issues, please visit christian counter culture dot org.

and now, for a brief announcement from our sponsors....

i am in serious, frosty LOVE, people.  i mean, really.  i couldn't love this stuff anymore if i tried.  tonight,  i got my second 'gelati' from rita's.  their gelati is not like a traditional gelato, although i will say that their frozen custard is dense and buttery.  and they take this custard (either chocolate or vanilla) and layer it with the most delicious fruit ice and the combination is simply heaven. 

you know it's bad when you start planning road trips through locations so that you can go to a rita's on your way.  did i mention i'll be hitting the one in waldorf, md on my way down and back to and from richmond this weekend? 

i believe the words you're looking for are 'hells yeah!'  (please pardon my language)

oh, and as a brief p.s., i'm feeling 100% better, thanks for asking:)

down for the count

i woke up this morning with a churning inside me that can only mean one thing: a stomach virus. 

this is no good....

 

silence
 
'when someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers.  gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone.  just when the day comes - when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever - there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.' - john irving (from 'a prayer for owen meany')
 
this was the day of the funeral last year.  i spent my day today unpacking the boxes of a man who makes my heart swell.  last year, i buried the heart of my childhood.  this year, i uncover and prepare the heart of myself as a woman, a place that is home. 
 
and i'm ready for all of that.  and i ache for all of that.
 
but still, sitting alone in my house tonight, i'm a little girl all over again and the warm, salty rivers still flow down my cheeks.
 
 

one year

the sun was shining that morning when the phone rang. i heard my mother's voice on the other end telling me, 'we lost her.' she was crying, driving in her car alone from virginia to pennsylvania. i knew immediately that i would drive those roads that day as well, starting out from somewhere along the way. so i gathered a bag of my things and set out for my mountains. as i drove the winding highway through farmlands and fields, the sun blinding my eyes, i cried out all the tears that had been waiting to come - all my emotions intermingled and flowing.

it had only been just a week before that i had driven these same roads, on the way to see my grandmother lying in a hospital bed. she had never been the weak one, the sick one, the one in need. she was always head nurse, caretaker, strong one. and seeing her that day, helpless, thin, weak, i had lost it completely. i left the room and began sobbing in the hall, my defenses completely down and fear washing over me. 'dear God,' i prayed, 'please help her.'

i did manage to spend some time visiting with her that day. i had planned to come back the next afternoon to visit again, but as i left the hospital room that night, i just knew in my heart that was the last time i would see her alive. by that time, they had put her on a forced-air machine to help her breathe, and the only thing that was bright in that whole place was her shining blue eyes as she faintly waved goodbye. later that night, she went on a ventilator, and she never woke up again. 9 days later, she was gone.

driving the road back to pennsylvania on that sunshine-filled day, all i could think about were those eyes, her laugh, her smile, her hands - that i'd never be able to sit and talk with her again the way i had when i was a little girl. and my heart hurt, because so much was gone from me. so much had been gone for such a long time. my grandfather, the farm where they lived, the place where i could always go to escape - to be myself for awhile. i felt the last vestige of my childhood die in that moment.

and then, relief swelled in my heart - coupled with a guilt for its presence. her health had been failing for the last few years, and i worried all the time how much longer she had. there is a peace in death, because at least you know what lies ahead of you. there would be no suffering, no ventilators, no hospital beds. nothing. just the years of memories and the clothes and pictures and things in her drawers.

when i arrived in pennsylvania that afternoon, my mom looked very small and tired. the connectedness with one's own humanity that comes along with death is staggering. suddenly, jobs and money and commitments don't matter. all that counts is here and now and the hurt inside. we spent an important evening together talking, crying, laughing, and just being together.

as i looked for pictures that evening to place in a collage for the funeral, i found things that amazed and touched me - a box of love letters from my grandfather during world war II, a list of birthday cards she had intended to write (including some for the more 'forgotten' members of the family), a few she had written but had not yet mailed. her heart for others on a page, tucked inside a hallmark envelope.

my grandmother left behind a legacy the likes of which i cannot contain in this small piece of writing. her heart for others, her generosity, her calm spirit, her determination, her steadfastness, her honor - these were all qualities that i have not seen contained in quite that same way in anyone else i have ever met.

it has been one year since i lost her. one year since the light left those blue eyes for good. she had a profound impact on the person i am today, and her death left a scar that will never fade. i am not the same. i never will be.
 

moving on

yesterday i spent roughly 9 hours putting michael's life into boxes so that he can leave the city proper and move a mere 3 miles from my current abode. i'm so excited that he'll be closer to me - and to his non-work life. and he'll have his own place, which is even better. God has really been in the midst of this whole scene. it's been a pretty quick maneuver, however, since the decision to take this apartment just happened within the last 5 days, and already he's moving next weekend. thankfully, we made a huge dent yesterday and i feel pretty good about the prospects of getting him done by next saturday night.

in other news, i had some very paradigm-shifting thoughts earlier about a former relationship - about which i realize i needed to experience healing in my heart. a lot has happened since i woke up this morning.

and if i'm not mistaken, i just took another step forward.

matrix ping pong

okay, now this is hilarious to me:).

enjoy!

'mad, sir?'
'ah yes, mad indeed. but observe how they do light up the sky....'

well, my birthday has come and gone and i must say, it was a success. between my party last weekend to my clothes shopping adventure on july 1 (complete with license renewal) and delicious dinner with michael and salimah at roy's restaurant (hawaiian fusion cuisine) - not to mention my macked-out presents, including new rice cooker, digital camera, and a host of books and other goodies - i felt cherished and celebrated by the people that matter to me the most.

and yesterday, michael and i journeyed to catonsville to the han ah reum korean supermarket and picked up a nice collection of delectable treats (which i plan to devour later today, complemented by some sticky rice in my new cooker) and then came back to my place and made three kinds of won tons: crabmeat and cheese, spinach and green onion, and pork, onion and carrot. the dipping sauces were varied (homemade sweet and sour, a vinegary soy with toasted sesame seeds, and a creamy peanut and sherry were my favorites) and we talked and laughed and enjoyed our little feast on these lovely dipping plates and platter that i had received as a birthday gift from friends.

and now it is 1:35 on sunday afternoon and i have just returned from what can only be described as a mini 'adventure.' michael and i decided to visit this church that i had passed by one morning on my way elsewhere. first let me say that while i am in no way opposed to the concept of being one of only 6 white people in a church setting (i felt very welcomed and comfortable in this decidedly urban, 'black' church), i actually prefer more ethnic/racial diversity than a church filled with all of any one race. that is to say, i don't feel particularly comfortable in a church of all white people, or all black people, or all asian people, etc. i believe that, just as the kingdom of God is all about every tribe, tongue, and nation, the church should, in my estimation be a reflection of that. in addition to that, of course, i also want to be able to connect with people on a personal level and i want a pastor that i feel comfortable talking to - someone who could really support and advise and lead me in this walk.

anyway, this place was nice, very comfortable, and not big but not small either. they had a gospel choir that was pretty good, but it was hard to hear the singing, because the band was REALLY loud. in fact, pretty much everything was REALLY loud. we had to leave early because when the sermon did finally start (after an hour and 15 minutes of other activities), it was making my ears throb. michael was in pain, too, so we snuck out the back door. just as we got outside, however, it was immediately apparent that we were parked in by another car. so then michael had to summon one of the ushers who - thank God - knew whose car it was and was able to move it. by this point, it was raining rather steadily and i just felt it was time to go.

i have to say that, while i won't be going back there, i appreciate what that body of believers is doing. and i can see the place they have in this community. they seem like a thriving bunch, and i'm encouraged by that. i'm just pretty sure that, at this point in my life, my place is not among them. so i will continue the search for where i'm supposed to be.

oh, and even though i'm not much for trekking out to find fireworks shows, last night, we heard some decidedly explosion-type noises and went out on my balcony to find a fireworks show happening somewhere north of me. so we stood in the darkness and watched the sky bursting with colors and light. and i was glad to be with michael, glad for it to be summer, thankful for where i live and where i am and for this country i call home.

so happy independence day, everyone. may God bless america and all who reside herein. now onto the next adventure....

Vintage Grace

These days, I am obsessed with anything old school. My friendship with Sarah is old school to the core. Our friendship is a throwback to an era of “best friends” and “lifelong pals.” She is my road trip companion, my sounding board, the person who does not consider it her job to make me comfortable, but rather, to make me uncomfortable with mediocrity, bad choices, and deficits in my character. Sometimes we chafe each other with our idiosyncratic differences, but we also charm each other, bail each other out, and are each other’s safe place.

In this era of transient relationships, where being a “friend who sticks closer than a brother,” may be deemed old fashioned, I am so glad Sarah is cut from vintage cloth. Her sensibilities are grand in scale, Victorian in essence, antiquated, but relevant traditions that include a clear sense of right and wrong, common sense, and a true sense of sophistication infused with fun and light-heartedness.

For just over one year, I had the privilege of working with Sarah. She came on board at my company to help with a major editing project. I was on the verge of drowning because the task was so huge, so impossible to get arms around. Even though she was not hired to be an editor, I knew that I could trust her to work in tandem with me. After a few weeks, she was, for all intents and purposes, operating in the same capacity as me, fully and autonomously functioning...and saving my life once again. Even though the organization she slaved for never changed her classification to permanent, she was their second of two editors, and whether they will ever realize it or not, she has vigorously contributed to any credibility they may have in the public eye. This, too, is vintage. I am awed by her commitment, steeped in things instilled by her parents and grandparents, to never sell herself short by attaching her name to anything slipshod.

God strategically places Sarah in all areas of my life to shine His light there. He strategically places Sarah in the lives of many to serve as His voice of wisdom and compassion.

And now, on this, her 29th birthday, she is starting over--being equipped for her life's calling, facing the world with courage, and leaping over things that have tried to destroy her in a single bound.

I tip my hat to you, Lady. You are the essence of grace.

Love,

Salimah