in the bleak midwinter**

i'm sitting here at work trying (not very hard, i might add) to pretend that i'm getting something accomplished. it makes no actual sense for anyone to be here; everyone's basically milling around and munching on snacks that are lying about in the kitchenette.

but that's not what i really want to say....

on the way to work this morning, i was driving in the rain and fog and darkness and it struck me: if this were the time of Christ's birth, He could arrive at any moment, in any of these middle-class suburban homes, without effect, and no one would be any the wiser. Christ could have come in any year, in any culture, for any reason. but it was God's timing that He arrive that day, and for something so seemingly 'insignificant,' a lot of people still took notice of his coming. a lot of people STILL take notice.

and then my mind wandered to those shepherds in the fields, to whom the angel of the Lord appeared. i can only imagine their anxious minds as they made their way through the dark on the way to Bethlehem, their hearts swelling with hope against hope that the Messiah had really come. i wonder how many of them questioned, hesitated, turned back, even, out of doubt. but to the ones who went, what a beautiful and mysterious sight it must have been: God, becoming man. peace and love and joy and hope all wrapped up in that one tiny child.

those people must have been in awe, must have wondered what to do, what to say, what to think. to see the Lord is an experience that changes even the most doubting and hardest of hearts. i am certain that those visitors left that stable different than when they arrived.

and perhaps they made their way back to where they lived and maybe when they were alone with their thoughts, they hoped that there might be another time when they would get to catch a glimpse of that face.

i am certainly not a shepherd. no angel appeared to me one fateful night....but, i have encountered the Lord. i have felt and known His Spirit and His love for me. i have bowed down in worship and i have raised hands to heaven, giving thanks for the gift that the Lord gave me through Jesus Christ - eternal reconciliation with God, my Father, the joy of my heart.

and this morning, my heart pounded with expectation for that day when i will truly see Him. and as i drove into the approaching morning, i felt the Holy Spirit stirring inside me, the prayer rising in my throat:

come soon, Lord Jesus. come soon.

merry Christmas, everyone. may you be touched by the miracle of His coming....


in the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

our God, heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;
heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.
in the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

enough for Him, Whom cherubim, worship night and day,
breastful of milk, and a mangerful of hay;
enough for Him, Whom angels fall before,
the ox and ass and camel which adore.

angels and archangels may have gathered there,
cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;
but His mother only, in her maiden bliss,
worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

what can i give Him, poor as i am?
if i were a shepherd, i would bring a lamb;
if i were a wise man, i would do my part;
yet what i can i give Him: give my heart.


**by Christina Rosetti, 1872

i have a question....

WHO was it that decided to put that whole bit about 'figgy pudding' in the song we wish you a merry Christmas?

i mean - what kind of audacity is it that announces 'we WON'T go until we've got some...so bring some right(/out) here!'?

am i the only one amused by this???

newsflash:

i am a total sap. i actually teared up at the end of finding nemo. then later on, i caught the tail end of the preacher's wife and practically bawled during the singing at the end. what is wrong with me?!

on a more newsy note, i finished all my gift wrapping tonight. and please let me say: it was no small feat. i am relieved to have that off my shoulders. tomorrow evening, i am scheduled to go to the grocery store with salimah to pick up the last of the food i need for my Christmas dinner. i'm also going to barnes and noble to return a book that a friend gave me for Christmas, because i discovered, much to my chagrin, that salimah had purchased said book (and written in her copy) for me for Christmas this year. so basically, it's all about me not only getting a cookbook that i REALLY wanted, but another one to add to my collection....who am i to complain?:)

tomorrow for lunch, catchka will be coming to work to hang out with me, salimah, and cat's sister. we shall have whole foods and presents and much laughter....and we have the whole conference room reserved (so there!). i am looking forward to a relatively low-key work week of much goofing off and most people being on vacation.

Christmas is coming, people....only 4 more days:)! i'm actually going to try to hold it together until then....no more sobbing over cartoons!

the end

i cannot believe i'm saying this, but the HUGE project on which i've been working is, for the time at least, over....my language arts and social studies/geography editing for this school year is DONE!

*huge sigh of relief*

and it's sunday afternoon, and i'm going to take a shower, watch finding nemo, and eat my leftover tikka masala from last night. Jesus, thank you for this gift today!!

miscellaneous

yahoo is right on top of my last nerve just now. i'm now getting personal e-mail in my bulk (supposedly spam-filled) folder. um, hello? not only that, but some of the actual spam is making it into my inbox. i nearly missed an e-mail from amber this morning....the nerve!

in other news, my nails are almost completely recovered from my self-performed gel nail removal operation a couple months ago. it will be nice to be able to grow them out beyond the end of my fingertips again. anyone care to place bets on how long it will be before i start craving the fake ones? my bet is 4 months.

okay, so something that i'm tossing about in my head is the notion of cutting off much of my hair again. it's gotten really long - definitely mid-back, even when curly - and i'm starting to hate it. about 2 years ago, i made a pact (of sorts) with myself that i would let my hair grow (with the occasional trim, of course) until i got married and would then cut it shorter again. i think at the time, however, i was under the impression that i'd be getting married a lot sooner than it now seems i will. frankly, i'm just frustrated with it. it's so thick that when i tie it back (which i do most days), it pulls on my head and gives me a headache. too frustrating, i tell you!

something tells me it's time to visit my hairdresser back home and do something a little different. i'm too old for this madness....

and speaking of being too old, i've clearly reached that point in life where a) i start to call people younger than 22 'kids,' b) rock music in church is getting on my nerves, c) i have to eat breakfast and do my morning routine, or i feel completely out of sorts for the rest of the day, and d) i could easily go to bed by 9:00 pm every night and feel totally good about it (i DON'T, but i could).

it's hump day, people. from here, it's all downhill toward the weekend.

degradation

can i be honest about something? i am really concerned about the state of affairs with the airwaves in this country. i know that must sound rather bizarre for me to say, but let me explain....

it wasn't that long ago that you couldn't hear bad words on the television - at least not on the networks. now, you're lucky if people aren't cursing. and yes, i know, THAT's not the end of the world. i mean, there are worse things you could say. but here's the thing: they're starting to crop up. and not just words, but actions. i never would have imagined a day when i would turn on the television and see two women or two men making out in front of the camera....or two people in bed having sex.....or all of the blood and gore and gratuitous violence. i am, to say the least, disheartened. surprised? no. disheartened.

we live in a sensationalist society. we've become intolerant of average experiences. everything has to be extreme in order to hold our completely miniscule attention spans. in order to have fun, we have to play extreme sports, or participate in extreme reality shows. our food has gotten bigger (have you noticed that even the 'small' fries at mcdonalds aren't 'small' anymore?) if you can't drive thru, order it online, download it, or get it on pay-per-view, then what's the point? you need it NOW. everything has to happen right NOW. it's all about what i want NOW. our interests for life are waning, our ability to stay in relationships (why bother? they take too much work!) is at an all-time low, and our apetites are at an all-time high.

oy. this gives me a headache.

the more and more i think about the world we live in, the less comfortable i feel with the notion that my children, should i have them, will be exposed to all of this mess. and i feel that i can say one thing for sure: there will not be much in the way of tv watching going on in my home. even now, the only way that i can find something decent/educational/interesting to watch is to have cable. with a few exceptions, i hardly tune in to network tv.

i have, however, been watching the new show 'joan of arcadia.' if you're not familiar, it's an hour-long 'family' drama in which joan, a 16-year old high school student, is visited by 'God' on a regular basis and is told to do certain projects, befriend certain people, etc. and often, she does so, even without knowing God's purpose for her in the situation. of course, just to mix it up, God shows up in different 'packaging' each time He appears to joan. and i find it interesting that, now that joan has been interacting with God on a regular basis, she's starting to recognize Him immediately, regardless of the form He takes.

anyway, it's a fascinating premise. might be worth checking out sometime if you're home on a friday night, as i tend to be:).

with all of that being said, i shall now step down off of my soapbox about our society and all its issues. at the end of the day, things are going along just as He said they would. we've always needed Him. sometimes i think this time is a gift - to help us see how truly desperate we are.

thank GOD it is....

i just had a really lovely lunch. i made some safeway select red pepper rigatoni stuffed with spinach, feta, and artichokes and put on it a sauce of toasted walnuts, onion, tomato paste, hot pepper, and white wine. i finished it off with some asiago cheese grated finely on top. delish!

in other news, my skin is very dry and i'm feeling quite anxious. this has been a hellish week, so i've been out of things to say, but i'm hoping that as the holidays approach, presents are wrapped (i finished all my shopping online in one day!!), and perhaps even cookies are baked, i'll be able to relax a bit. suffice it to say that this week has contained vandalism to my new car, a trip to the car dealer for some unrelated issues, spilled apple butter on my otherwise pristine white sofa, and nearly losing my job. the highlight of my week? i put together a cart for my kitchen and now my microwave and toaster oven have a place to relax and aren't clogging up my counter tops.

God's peace seems elusive these days. thankfully i don't have to feel it to know it's real....

oh yeah, baby....


Maine is your state. It's pretty and nice and
quiet and not crowded. I love Maine, so do
you.


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the ho-hums

okay, so last night's plans did indeed get cancelled, but my two girlfriends from g'burg are on their way here for this evening's dinner/movie get-together. and michael, in an incredibly kind (and not at all unlike him) gesture, drove salimah here yesterday so that we could hang out and be snowed in together. and then she spent some time digging out my car today. so sweet:)

you know - there's something getting under my skin right now. i don't know what my deal is, but i just can't seem to make myself DO much of anything. i'm having post-thanksgiving/pre-Christmas lethargy, and it stinks. i have grand plans for cooking, cleaning, more unpacking and organizing, but i'm completely unable to make any of them come to pass. it's pathetic, really. here's hoping it's just a phase. i'm definitely not feeling depressed; maybe i'm just tired. i don't know.

old man winter

i must admit - i enjoy snow for all of about an hour....until i have to go somewhere....and then i just feel like it's a hindrance to the world. not to be rude - it really is quite lovely to look at - but come, now. is this necessary?

i have (had?) plans tonight - some friends are supposed to come for dinner. we'll see if they cancel or not. then tomorrow, i have (had?) some other plans with some OTHER friends and i'm wondering if they'll hold either. come on, thermometer. work your way up there!

all annoyances aside, i'll admit it was beautiful to wake up this morning to the blanket of white. i am seriously stocked up on cocoa and cookie ingredients, but there's no one with whom to share this storm:(....

*sigh*

perhaps this is a sign that i need to catch up on some reading, clean my house, and do laundry. um. we'll see if any of that happens;)

so welcome, winter. it appears you're here for good now. have your way with us, and then move along, please:)

post-holiday musings

okay, so my turkey was a hit. i rubbed him down with orangey-sage butter. he was brown and crispy and beautiful....and stuffed with the delicious stuffing that my grandma always made (fresh bread cubes, sausage, onions, celery, raisins, pine nuts, sage). we also had sweet potatoes that i first roasted and then whipped with butter, cream, brown sugar and cinnamon; caramelized pearl onions; buttered green beans; and homemade whole berry cranberry sauce. for dessert, my mom made a pumpkin souffle-like torte with a pecan crust. my father contributed a beautiful, crisp riesling. salimah, as always, supplied us with her charm and lots of laughter. it was so lovely and pleasant and relaxed.

and then, after dinner, we had a reading of my favorite children's book, my uncle podger. my parents left around 9 to go back to their hotel, and salimah and i watched part of sophie's choice (we finished it this morning). meryl streep is an amazing actress - not that anyone was disputing this.

tomorrow i'll be making turkey stock (which will, no doubt, become soup in the near future) and i hope to get a leg up on my christmas cards....we'll see how well THAT works out! otherwise, i'll be working and just chilling at home; the weather is positively abysmal around here.

here are some things for which i am thankful, in no particular order:

friends (and even some family) who love and support me.
a way to be productive and self-sufficient (not always a given in the last few years).
way more pots and bakeware and kitchen gadgets than anyone actually needs.
a vision for my life that includes passion and service.
the hope that things can be different than they've always been.
the knowledge that they already are.

and of course, it goes without saying (but must be said), a God who knows everything about me and, for some reason, loves me still. and it is this love that drives my every breath.

*sigh* the page is turned now, Lord....isn't it?

a new chapter has begun.

for today

so much of being young (and i don't just mean chronologically) is about dreaming. and so much of dreaming is about speculation. dreams are safe. they don't require risk. they're not going to bite you in the butt while they float around in your mind. it's jumping in and living that's hard. it's living that means hanging your heart - your self - out there and letting what comes COME. it's LIVING that makes you want to hide under a rock some days.

i've noticed that people (myself included), in a futile attempt to prolong the discomfort of actually having to live, rest on the concept of 'some day.' you know that day, don't you? that's when everything will magically fall into place and all the little details will work out such that you can FINALLY feel comfortable enough to take the step you're dreading. see, it's LIVING that makes people flip out.

and i think this is why so many people don't actually ever get on with it. it's so much easier to talk about what you'll do 'some day' because either a) you honestly are deluded enough to think that the right circumstances are going to erase your fears or b) you're hoping that 'some day' will never stare you in the face, thereby forcing you to live up to your word and achieve your goals. staying in denial feels much easier than having to stress yourself out about the possibility of moving out of your comfort zone and on with your life.

but here's the problem: this mindset does nothing but make people miserable and hold them back from the things they should be doing. it prevents people from maturing, from being emotionally ready to handle life's bigger obstacles. believe you me, i've seen the effects of a life driven by fear, putting things off, living for the 'some day.' it's been my life. and it's sucked. oh, don't get me wrong. i've made a lot of progress - especially in the last couple of years - but in order to do so, i've had to take A LOT of risks and hang myself way out there and i was terrified most of the time. in the end, it's all been worth it so far. and i feel myself growing up. amazing how that works.

so, here's to living TODAY (perhaps with the goals of 'some day' in mind, even still). here's to my other friends who are seeking to throw caution to the wind and jump into their lives. here's to growing up - for REAL this time.

maybe not

i thought i had something to say. i was wrong.

me and not me

last night i hung out with a cousin of mine. before my grandmother's funeral this summer, i hadn't seen her in almost 20 years (she was not even 5 at the time). turns out she's been living in no. va., so we decided to get together and hang for the evening. we went to dinner (i had the indonesian peanut saute. quite yums) and then dropped in at the bookstore for some coffee (for her) and chai (for me). it is odd to me that our ancestral photos contain the same faces (her grandfather was my grandmother's brother), yet we know so little about one another. but we are becoming more familiar....and we are learning that we share some of the same quirky loves, habits, thoughts about life. and besides which, she is another sara (although her name has no 'h' like mine) elizabeth.....so how bad can she be?:)

*******************************

after she left, i came upstairs to my place, locked myself into the silence of my apartment, surfed blogs for awhile, and then crawled into bed to read before turning off the light for good. and as i lay there in the stillness, in the few moments before sleep came, i realized how profound of a thing it is (for me) to live alone. and even now, as i type this blog entry, i am here by myself. and for most nights for the next year or more, i will end my day much the same. and that's more than okay with me, i guess. but i still wonder when it won't be quite like this....when i'll lie in bed and hear the cadence of another's breathing...when i'll have in-laws and babies and a mortgage....and i'll be called by another name....

and maybe by then, my heart will not remember so well these moments in the dark, me sinking under the covers, waiting for warmth to surround me....the loneliness and freedom intermingled in the center of my chest. breathe in. breathe out. it's just me. God...will it always be just me?....

thank you that it's just me.

please don't let it always be just me.

torrent

for the last 2 days, i've been pretty much waylayed with what i think is a stomach bug. suffice it to say that excruciating pain has woken me out of a dead sleep for the last two nights. rest? not so much.

also, i discovered water damage in my apartment tonight. it was pouring here today, with lots of wind that swirled and swished the water up under the overhang and onto my balcony. not a gentle fall storm, that's for sure. it's got me pretty nervous and thinking that i should definitely be calling to get some renter's insurance on this place - quick, fast, and in a hurry!

now onto other things:

i'm plagued by this un-nameable feeling...this vague desire, this bottom-dwelling thing that refuses to come up for air and make itself known. i feel an ache inside. i may know where it's coming from and although it would be really easy for me to lay it all out in this medium - cleanse my soul, if you will - i'm not going to do that. suffice it to say that there are 4 large issues competing for top billing in my heart right now, and it's enough to make a girl crazy....

oh yeah - and then there's the water that's threatening to drip - or gush - through my ceiling and onto me.

some days, i can intimately sense how those israelites must have felt as they walked through the rocky/sandy bed of the red sea, held back only by the merciful hand of God.

keep it steady, Lord. just keep it steady....

sometimes i am astonished by how many people there truly are in this world. just when i think that somehow i could get my mind around it, the numbers overwhelm and perplex me once again. and just as there are bodies, there are souls...hearts....to be won or lost, built up or broken. it's a crazy, crazy thing.

and here i am, one person, out of millions. MILLIONS. and it's easy to feel like the whole world revolves around me and my problems, my pains, my joys. it's so easy for each of us...all of us...to feel that way. and yet it doesn't revolve around me. not at all. i'm dust. i'm a breath. i'm a wisp.

BUT (and this is the heart of the matter at hand) i'm important. i'm incredibly important to the Maker of the universe, to my friends, to those who love and miss me when i'm gone from them.

this is a simple truth. no one will give me a medal for realizing this. and no one should.

but i forget sometimes. and sometimes i need to remember....for whatever the reason. today, it's because i'm lonely and longing for something i don't yet have. i'm wanting a place - a time - that my feeble mind cannot bear to conceive. i want to know that i'm worth that time. i want to know that i'll make it to that time.

i want to know that someone else is wanting to meet me there. not all of the world.

just one.

'hello darkness, my old friend....'

the day i turned six was one of the saddest days of my young life. i won't get into it here, but suffice it to say that i saw my mom really cry for the first time, and it scared me. i felt completely out of control and uncertain and just plain terrified. i was willing and wanting to do anything to make her stop - it scared me that much. i was so young and that day, though long over, still sends chills, reminding me....

the truth is that i don't have any regrets about getting older. some people yearn for their younger days, when things were more 'carefree' and easy. not me. i'm more and more thankful for the years that pass....that take me farther away from the child i was and closer to the woman i want to be.

i mean, don't get me wrong: i have some good memories of being a little kid. but they're peppered with a lot of sadness and pain. i'm not avoiding. i just don't want to go back there.

some days, the past shows up on your doorstep and demands to be let in for tea and company....

for the record, the porch light is off.

monday

tonight i burned a pot of rice. and i don't just mean kind of. i mean...i'm not sure if this pot will ever recover....

but i'm not really that upset about it, even though it is/was a really good pot....

actually, right now, what i'm thinking is that it's 2 a.m. and i'm still awake. and my eyes are drooping but my heart feels full. i had a relaxed, very effortless evening with a friend. we shared story after story of our lives and experiences. it has been quite some time since i have discussed certain events and issues in my life; it felt strange to drag all of it out and spread it in front of someone else to inspect and digest, but it was good for me. it keeps me connected to myself.

what a strange thought....

my heart is a swirling cloud of emotion. perhaps it is sleep that i need more than anything right now. my bed is calling me. morning taunts me, a few hours off....

for now, a pause.....

chill

it is SO cold in here! i love it, though, and i'm refusing to turn the heat on!! i'd rather snuggle under blankets than have artificially heated air any day (well, usually). besides, after that muggy, rainy few days, i'm enjoying the air being cool and crisp and FINALLY indicative of autumn.

yesterday i got a few things organized, ran a load of towels, and had a friend over for the afternoon. we just sat in my living room and chatted for about 3 1/2 hours about God, our lives, the state of the world. then, i made myself some dinner and watched a little tv while reading cookbooks all evening. took a shower to ease some sore muscles and then went to bed around 11:30. all in all, a pleasant and relaxing evening.

today, i have plans to chill out in the pad until mid-afternoon and then hook up with salimah later on. we'll figure something out for dinner and then watch movies tonight ('the bone collector' being one - a netflix hook-up) and maybe have some cocktails or something. i'm definitely in the mood to bake....will have to see if i can drag together a few pennies to buy some ingredients:). how i miss having money! but having a home is more important, i guess....

oh, and as a complete sidebar: i am now craving korean food like a madwoman. something reminded me of its existence yesterday, and i fear that until i get some of it, i'll have it on the brain for awhile.....*sigh* mandu....bulgoki....won't you come and visit me?:)

waking

last night, i dreamed of my grandmother. i was at her house, and she was bustling about in the kitchen, and some relative of hers (maybe a sister?) called to ream me out because my grandmother hadn't baked enough for some event during the past year. i was trying to explain to her that it was miraculous that she was still alive (i was shocked, myself, to find her there) because we had nearly lost her. i was insulted that anyone would be so demanding in a time such as that.

my grandmother was so young, so full of life in this dream. in fact, in every dream i have had about her since her death, that is precisely how she appears.

and after i got off the phone, she took me into this hidden attic-type thing over her front porch (this did not exist in real life) and showed me all of her nursing paraphernalia that she had apparently been hiding up there all these years. it was amazing.

i awoke feeling really sad....thinking about the rest of my family....wondering if they struggle some days with the understanding of never getting to talk to her again.