Monday, April 29, 2013

eleven years

today marks eleven years since i started this little blog. it's unfathomable to think how far i've come in that time...how much about my life is so very different than it was then. at the same time, so many things are (for good and for bad) the same. i've had some lofty goals, you see, and very few of them have come to pass. i suppose that makes me a fickle soul...or maybe just someone who can't stay focused on one thing for very long.

actually, i think what it really is is that i have things i want to do, but i allow other stuff to get in the way. it's frustrating that i do this, to be sure, but one thing is true: i am farther down the road than i was back in 2002, and i shall not pass that way again....

once in awhile, i take some time to look back and lose myself in words i wrote years before, astonished at how much i need to hear them, even still today. they are gifts to me, reminders not to lose sight of what i hold dear...not to give up despite how hard things can be sometimes, or how much disappointment rears its ugly head. my past is a blessing to me, in spite of it all. it has made me stronger than i realized i was, and it consistently, gently reminds me of how fragile life is [read: don't take everything so seriously, sarah].

here's hoping that eleven years from now, i will look back on this day with a smile and say, 'oh, if you only knew that the very best thing was just around the corner. turn the page and keep reading, girl. it will get better.'

and dear reader, whether you're here for the first time, or the eleventh, or the hundredth, i hope you'll keep reading along with me. i want to know how this story ends....

Sunday, April 28, 2013

sunday, not-so-fun day

i've made a decision: sunday is my least favorite day of the week. my bff and i were discussing this earlier today over lunch. and see, i actually LOVE sunday mornings (the brunching, the delicious sleep, the puttering about), but once noon/early afternoon hits, the all-too-familiar pit begins to form in my stomach. you know the one i mean—that sense of dread that accompanies thoughts of getting up to go to work on monday morning. and really, it isn't because i don't like my job. it's more about the fact that i have to have a job...that i am beholden to anyone or anything.... to make matters worse, even though i am closer to 40 than 30, the sunday night blues from my school days never really left me.

what i need, dear reader, is to win the lottery so that i can set my own schedule, be my own boss, and write my own story from minute to minute. it's not that i feel 'above' having to work, or that i wouldn't toil over something if i didn't have a job, but any such toiling would be over something (or somethings) that was on my own terms.... see? that's quite reasonable, isn't it?

i thought you'd think so.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

'let the river run....'

last weekend, i traveled to the land of the great lakes (well, one of them) to see one of my most favorite people and her almost-9-month-old daughter. leaving my charming city was also on the agenda; i needed to get out of dodge for a few days to clear my head and go to a house in a remote location with a river lazily drifting by out back. a river, i might add, that was more than 3 feet above what it should normally be. this also meant that some fields...and front yards...looked like mini lakes. it also meant that the grasses were already lush and green with spring despite the snow that fell the night before i arrived.

i spent 2+ days in a house with the darling bebé, along with a sweet, huge yellow lab, a brand-spanking new golden puppy, two cats, and a partridge in a pear tree (to say nothing of the mr. and mrs.). in the midst of this little family, making its way in the world, i was reminded of something: i am like that river, solitary and kind of mucked up and moving through life almost without even realizing it. no one depends on me for anything outside of work. i come home and i eat dinner (or not), wash dishes (or not), do laundry (or not), and talk to anyone (or no one) as i see fit. no one will die if i don't feed them. no one will object if there are socks on the floor of the living room. i have no one's mess to clean up but my own. and it's lonely. but it also can bring a measure of peace and calm.

that's the thing about life, i think: you have to find that balance between total independence/solitude and constantly surrounding yourself with other people/animals/things that need your attention. life on either end can be exhausting and make you feel like you're being sucked under by the currents, but if you can find that sweet spot in the middle, you can swim along happily for quite some time.

in the moments (few and far between as they may have been) i have been in that sweet spot, i feel the most like my pure self. there is a kind of sanctity in those times, and if i could bottle them up, i would. but the river of life continues to flow, and with it come the changing currents, the mud and sticks and other crap collected from distant shores, the knowledge that everything is temporary and what is good must be enjoyed now before it gets swept away in an instant.

now hear me: i'm not saying all of this to be negative. if anything, i feel encouraged and reminded that, to find that sweetest place in life, i must open up to the uncertainties...to what lies around that next bend in the river's path. i must continue to be vulnerable and to put my heart on the line for the things that i want. i must seek to avoid regret and invite the cleansing and renewal that new waters bring. it's not natural for me to do this, you see, but i figure if i'm going to conquer my own destiny and find the life i want, i have to plunge head-first into the rushing waters rather than simply allow life to float me along. and yes, that also means that the possibility of drowning is real, but i have those swimming lessons under my belt from 30+ years ago and just enough hope to keep me afloat. it's a start.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

'[none of] my bags are packed; i'm ready to go....'

this weekend i will board a jet plane and leave my charming city for a couple of days. to say that i need this getaway is more than a bit of an understatement. and what's more, i'm going to spend time with one of my favorite people on this earth - and her wee little one.

most of the time, i'm all for facing troubles head-on, but sometimes what is required is departure. at least for a time. my stress built up for too long until i had a bit of a meltdown a few months back. since then, i'm trying to be more cognizant of the slippery slope that often means me sliding quickly into a place of muck and meh. i would prefer to keep my feet on steady ground and take care of myself, you know? i feel like i deserve to give myself at least that much.

so, in the interest of mental health and the aforementioned handling of problems, i've been trying to spend more time outside of my own head, open my heart a bit more, disconnect from the drama around me (because even though i loathe it, it is easy to let it affect you), and do things that i enjoy. novel concept, no?

and now what i know is this: in 2 short days, i will be face to face with a river, a baby, a soul sister, and a margarita machine. what more does a girl need? at this point, just clean laundry and a boarding pass. i think i can handle that.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

neurotransmitters FTW!

some days, i'm just thankful to be alive to see some sort of resolution come to fruition. i mean, really. do you know how many loose ends are lying all over God's creation just waiting to be tied? it's staggering.

the last couple of days have been particularly stressful due to some conversation hanging in limbo and making me CRAZY. crazy, do you hear me? i do not do well with periods of radio silence or failure to come through and return a call. it does not sit easily in my little ocd heart and mind. no, instead i obsess and require myself to take melatonin (or something stronger, if need be) in order to sleep at night.

and speaking of melatonin, other than the fact that it gives me incredibly strange, almost hallucinogenic dreams, can i just say that i love how calm it makes me? how perfectly relaxed and carefree about most anything? as soon as a stressful thought enters into my mind, my brain will literally instruct me not to think about it, and i just drift peacefully off to sleep. brilliant! oh, how i wish i had thought of these little magic pills. i would be SO rich right about now!

and speaking of those beautiful little tablets, i'm going to take one post haste and drive myself straight to wacked-out dreamland. goodnight, internets!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

boston

i am decidedly anti-news. my best friend considers herself a bit of a junkie on that front, but i do my best to avoid the daily influx of mostly useless information coming in from sources 'round the globe. when tragedy strikes, however, i tend to go the other way, finding myself all-too-sucked in by the constant stream of video after video, until i cannot do anything but dream the events through fitful nights of pseudo sleep. 9/11 was the most extreme case of this for me. for days on end, i did nothing but watch or listen to the news, unable to tear myself away from the television and the endless barrage of pain. after that event, i vowed to try and avoid such extreme behavior, in a somewhat futile attempt to protect myself.

what happened yesterday at the boston marathon is yet another reminder that life is a tenuous thing. we are clinging to the brink every day, and all it takes is one lunatic to change it all. in a situation like this, i really cannot avoid the stories, the pictures, the human side of the mess. it is the only thing real that unites us.

so with the others still clinging to the brink, i will do the only thing i know to do: pray for the lost, pray for their families, pray for all those affected by this event.

and my hope is that the lunatic will not win. that the runners' spirits will not be daunted in the face of this terrorist act. that hope will prevail. that real humanity will.

Monday, April 15, 2013

tweetin' ain't just for the internet

i'm not sure whether this is a new thing, or whether i haven't noticed this until just this past weekend, but there are some birds in the city that chirp/tweet/sing 24-7. seriously. these little guys (or gals) have been up at 3:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., 8 p.m., etc. and i'm just wondering whether they're working in shifts or if they just never sleep.

i suppose this means that there is no rest for the weary, the wicked, OR the little birdies?

in any event, it's monday all over again. here's to hoping it ends better than it started...which, if i'm being honest, could apply to anything in life at any point in time. i just know one thing: if i were a bird, i'd be taking a nap right about now.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

v-neck sunburn: a glimpse into something more

my life is, for all intents and purposes, rather boring and limited. i know that may sound like a really negative thing to say, but it's true. really, it is. i hardly leave town. i primarily visit only my 'typical' haunts (i.e., restaurants, stores, etc.), and my phone rarely rings (and when it does, it's often one of maybe three or four people). these days, anything outside of my usual routine feels extravagant, exciting, and/or downright scandalous! and, mind you, this is entirely the result of choices i have consistently made over, well...much of my life.

so yesterday, when i went out into the sunshine with some friends and came home with a slight sunburn, most of which can be found on the lower part of my forearms and on the front of my chest where my button-down shirt hadn't covered my skin, i felt downright rejuvenated. up for adventure. wishing i could do this kind of thing every day.

that's the thing about real life, isn't it? to suck the marrow out of it makes a person want to live even more. it has compounding effects. it is, in essence, the opposite of where i spend most of my time.

so really, i have nothing profound to say, except that i want to make different choices. here's a small hope, put out there into the void, that i will be able to do so. sunburns and all.