this weekend has been quiet. not that i haven't listened to music, watched movies, etc., but i really haven't spoken to anyone (save the pizza delivery guy when he phoned to verify my apartment number last night). sometimes silence is the right choice.
i'm in a headspace right now that i would define as not entirely great. there's a lot going on, to be sure: some good, some not so good, and as i'm typing these words, i'm realizing that i'm not even sure how to articulate where i am.
but i can say this: i have been mostly head-down, nose to the grindstone for the last few years, and in being that way, i had shut off parts of myself for the sake of productivity [read: just to make it through the day, the week, the month]. and until recently, i kind of knew that, because every once in awhile, something would occur that would remind me of the rather empty interior life i'd been living. the light would go on for a few days and then shut back off again [read: again, survival mechanisms kicked in].
recently, however, an external force cracked a fissure in my armor, and the gap has been slowly widening. and with it has come some really good and happy feelings...a lot of hope, even. but then rushing behind all of that is everything i've been packing away and not giving air time to because, again, ijustneedtomakeitthroughtheday!
so i find myself here, in a place of true in-between, and it's a lonely place to be. i comfort myself a bit with the fact that it's likely no one is reading this, so maybe i can be a little bit honest for a minute....
i need a new daily life. i need to find a way to open the long-neglected closets and sweep away the dust that's been settling there for the last few years. i need the mental energy to be myself, to be creative, to cook and write and do the other things that feed my soul. i need to give hope the space it deserves in my life. and what's more, i need to start actually living that hope again.
so, maybe just saying it out loud will be enough (doesn't the internet count as 'out loud'?). silence may be golden, but in my life, what is more often called for is a barbaric yawp from the rooftops. so here, i am, world. hear this:
(and let it be so.)