Sunday, February 17, 2013

walt whitman would be so proud....

this weekend has been quiet. not that i haven't listened to music, watched movies, etc., but i really haven't spoken to anyone (save the pizza delivery guy when he phoned to verify my apartment number last night). sometimes silence is the right choice.

i'm in a headspace right now that i would define as not entirely great. there's a lot going on, to be sure: some good, some not so good, and as i'm typing these words, i'm realizing that i'm not even sure how to articulate where i am.

but i can say this: i have been mostly head-down, nose to the grindstone for the last few years, and in being that way, i had shut off parts of myself for the sake of productivity [read: just to make it through the day, the week, the month]. and until recently, i kind of knew that, because every once in awhile, something would occur that would remind me of the rather empty interior life i'd been living. the light would go on for a few days and then shut back off again [read: again, survival mechanisms kicked in].

recently, however, an external force cracked a fissure in my armor, and the gap has been slowly widening. and with it has come some really good and happy feelings...a lot of hope, even. but then rushing behind all of that is everything i've been packing away and not giving air time to because, again, ijustneedtomakeitthroughtheday!

so i find myself here, in a place of true in-between, and it's a lonely place to be. i comfort myself a bit with the fact that it's likely no one is reading this, so maybe i can be a little bit honest for a minute....

i need a new daily life. i need to find a way to open the long-neglected closets and sweep away the dust that's been settling there for the last few years. i need the mental energy to be myself, to be creative, to cook and write and do the other things that feed my soul. i need to give hope the space it deserves in my life. and what's more, i need to start actually living that hope again.

so, maybe just saying it out loud will be enough (doesn't the internet count as 'out loud'?). silence may be golden, but in my life, what is more often called for is a barbaric yawp from the rooftops. so here, i am, world. hear this:


(and let it be so.)

Saturday, February 09, 2013

anything could happen

no disrespect to ellie goulding's pop hit, but i don't get most of the lyrics. no matter, though, because the refrain rings true nevertheless.... "anything could happen."

if the last month of my life has taught me one thing, it is to listen to the voice inside that rises up over and over, telling you what is yes and what is no, guiding you to turn down one street and avoid another, and reminding you that the face you see in the mirror—while very much you—is only just a piece of who you are. it is quite easy to distract yourself from hearing it, because the world is filled with loud noises, internet feeds, and shiny baubles, but there is truth at the bottom of the can and it would do us all well to pour ourselves out and let it be what it is.

it might sound silly to mention this, but for the purposes of cataloguing my own existence, my ravens won the super bowl. yes, this is an exciting thing, and yes, it has been a long time coming. but what is even more miraculous about it is that my whole heart knew this would be the outcome. i do not take credit for this knowing, because it came fully from outside of myself, and yet that was that voice that told me to believe what i could not yet see and what most people said was impossible. and during every game, when things could have gone another way, i heard that voice coming out of my own mouth, proclaiming victory for my birds and, moreover, for this underdog city i hold dear.

and if this town, more than scruffy around the edges, known for the wire and an at-times hellish crime rate, can rise up and make a name for itself, surely i can as well, no?

this week, i found a fortune cookie in my car. not sure where it came from or how it got there, but its message was clear to me: "a dream you have will come true."

oh, if you only knew what dreams still lurked there, deep inside. if you only understood the precipice upon which i find myself standing, over and over, only to turn back around and head the other way because i'm afraid, or because i don't feel like i have any other options. i just can't do it this time, though. i have to turn my face to the wind and let myself be blown back, undaunted. the truth drives me into the unknown and gives me the faith to keep moving when hope seems farthest from me. in this vast world, with all its hurts and all its uncertainties, it is hope that reminds me that 'anything could happen. anything could happen. anything could happen. anything could happen. anything could happen....'

and there goes the little voice again....