Friday, November 30, 2012

writing to reach you

it has been an age since i've put finger to keyboard and thrown my thoughts out into the void. but it's a friday night, i'm home alone (as usual), and something has compelled me to write. i was talking with a work friend earlier, and after a meeting about "important matters," we wound up getting into a conversation about things that really matter...specifically, the freedom in living outside of people's expectations. growing up, i cared deeply about what everyone thought. i cared so much, i was paralyzed by too much fear to do most things. i was worried about whether i'd get teased, or whether i'd get shamed, or whether i'd get in trouble, or whether someone would stop loving me if i messed up. honestly, it was just exhausting. in my 20s, i did a lot of soul searching, of tearing down and rebuilding, of breaking free and walking down new roads. my 30s have been about carving out space for myself, pursuing my interests, furthering my education, and drawing lines in the sand. and believe me when i say, that's been so freeing for me, in so many ways. i have made a life for myself that i wouldn't have imagined 10 years ago. and yet, in the midst of my carving, i may have closed myself off a bit to things that i never intended to...throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. so here i am, a month before a new year begins, and i'm feeling the need to reconnect to something. maybe even to someone. i've missed writing. i've missed listening to music and digging in deeper. i've continued to let work consume me for the better part of two years, and even though i keep promising myself i won't do that anymore, i still do. now, having said that, i'm not trying to please anyone here. this isn't about performance or approvals or anything of that nature. this is about getting in touch. with me. with you. so that's it. i'll try to write more. i want to do it. let's see if i can....