Monday, August 30, 2010

'the answer, my friend....'

at the risk of baring my soul here, i have to take a moment and speak 'aloud' (a.k.a. fingers to keyboard) some truths that have been gradually surfacing in my mind and, therefore, my life. see, for a long time now, i was kind of shut down to my own emotions about certain areas of my life, because, quite honestly, it was easier to 'go there' than to feel the disappointment in its place. work has been busy with new challenges and opportunities, and i didn't have to try that hard to dig in and give myself the space to pursue my career, all the while knowing that there were parts of my life that were getting no air time. to be honest, this wasn't ideal for me, but the relative barrenness of my social landscape seemed to create the opportunity for a time of pulling back.

well, i had that time, and i was grateful for it, in a way, because it was very clarifying for me. and as a result, i came to a few conclusions.

first (and foremost), i am ready for a great adventure, whatever that may mean. in a conversation with a friend recently, i was mentioning some aspect of a past relationship that had always frustrated me, and the other person said, quite plainly, 'it doesn't sound like you're past all of that.' this statement caused me to sit back for a second and listen to those words i had just spoken and ask myself how they must have sounded coming out of my mouth. and i realized in that moment that my friend's statement wasn't the truth. the truth was that i hadn't changed the way i was talking about the situation, even though my feelings had changed.

this small kernel of awareness began to enlighten other areas of my thinking and made me realize that, in the area of relationships, i have been feeling more and more ready to be out there, to give and receive the love i've got inside of me, but hadn't yet said it to myself, to God, to the vast unknown.

so last week, i was in my car late in the evening, driving down the dirty, barren streets of my city, and i just began to speak my own truth out loud. i can't say that i was entirely praying, but i can't say that i wasn't. i just knew that everything inside of me - my fears and hopes and intentions - needed to come out and be given the air time they deserved. and the most important outcome of all of this is not so much that my world turned on a dime, but that i began to really open up, more expectant of and ready to receive all the beauty and love and good things that can come my way. (and, by extension, that anything UNhelpful can go....)

this has clearly been a long time coming and it couldn't have happened at a better moment in the grand scheme of things. a couple of weeks ago, i posted as my facebook status that i am 'open to possibility.' well, i just AM, and since cracking open the door to my heart, i am here to say that i have already noticed a shift in the wind....

methinks it's time to let my hair down....

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

tap.... tap.... is this thing on?

it is now, officially, safe to assume that no one is reading my blog anymore. it's just as well, though, because i probably have a few things to say that most people don't need to read....then again, that's a topic for another day.

in the meantime, here i am, standing on the cusp of the end of summer...the end of fetid and stifling and all things sweat-inducing. frankly, as hard as this past winter was, i welcome the onslaught of chilly nights and leaves strewn across roadways and all the 'stuff' that fall conjures up.

so with all of the anticipation of good things (including a LONG overdue vacation, less than a month away), i find myself also sitting here with a pile of feelings i don't know what to do with. all i know is that i'm trying to be open to whatever God has for me right now...to whatever life is throwing in my direction...yet at the same time, i find myself wondering just what is it that i'm being open FOR?

the answer will come in due time, i know, but right now there are simply questions.

i will say this, however: i sure would love to have someone to share the glory of fall with me this year. it might make some of the questions a little easier to answer...or maybe not worth answering at all.

we'll see....