Saturday, April 03, 2010

at home

upon waking up this morning, the first thought on my mind was wow, this is my last saturday here. last night, salimah and crystal brought some dinner over and as we sat amidst my boxes and feasted on mari luna, salimah remarked that this would likely be the last time she ever stepped foot in this place i've called home for the last six and a half years.

that reality struck me rather hard in that moment. believe me, i'm excited to be moving forward, and i'm super thankful that a number of logistical things have arranged themselves so that i might do just that, but there is always a tinge of sadness in any closed door, no matter how ready you are to close it.

when i think about who i was when i first walked into this apartment in the fall of 2003, i feel astonished at how much has happened since then...and amazed at the faces who have walked in—and out—of my life. the weekend i moved in, i was filled with so much hope for all that lay ahead of me and a sense of accomplishment for all that i had done to get me here. i was in my 20s, for crying out loud!

now, i find myself in that same place—only farther down this road and with my eyes a bit more focused and my heart more open and yet more guarded all at once. in short, i've grown up. living here has given me the space to create a real home. for a long time, i thought maybe i was making that home for another person, but what i've learned is that i needed to find that place inside of me. and i have. i'm much more secure now in who i am, in what i want, in where i'm going. i'm not afraid of being abandoned, of being rejected, of being left behind. i learned that no matter the circumstances, i have a choice in the matter, always. and my choice now is to move on and not look back.

the other night, i dreamed that someone i used to know and love told me something about himself that i had been waiting to hear for years. and when he said it in the dream (though it was not good news, per se, and was said with a kind of hostility), i felt so relieved. so relieved, in fact, that i woke up almost wishing we could have had that conversation years ago.

what that dream said to me, though, more than anything, is that life is too short not to say what you mean...even if what you mean is what no one else wants to hear. there is still a kind of relief in knowing the truth, regardless of how bitter that pill is to swallow.

and my truth is that i have no regrets, about anything. i still believe in God, but i also believe more than ever in what He has placed in me and the mind and heart and will He has given me to make my choices. i am where i am now, and i know that it's time for me to close this door and open the next one. and more than that, i am ready to make new adventures and see new things in my city for as long as i am called to be here. but wherever i am and whoever is with me, i am at home now. i am my home.

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