Saturday, March 20, 2010

'all my bags are packed; i'm ready to go'...well, almost

the day is fast approaching when i will bid farewell to my humble abode and take up residence in a 'dee-luxe apartment in the skyyyyyy' (a.k.a. downtown high-rise). i've scheduled the mover, reserved the loading dock at the new place, signed my lease, and packed up about half my stuff so far, and next weekend, my mom will come to help me mostly finish the job. times, they are a-changin', and despite the risks and unknowns, i feel largely good about it.

i've never handled goodbyes very well, though, i admit. i'm a nostalgic soul, and my heart has always yearned to make and keep connections. even though i'm feeling very ready to move on from this place i've called home for the last 6 1/2 years, there is a part of me that will miss the quirky little things about this place, and i'm sure when i close the front door for the final time, i'll feel that all-too-familiar pull.

when i was a kid, we moved around more than i would have liked, and although my adult mind can understand now why, at times, that was a necessity, my kid brain comprehended it as a complete affront to all that i knew. i remember throwing a veritable temper tantrum when one of our old houses was being shown to a potential buyer (who, i think, wound up taking the place). i remember feeling VERY territorial and downright hostile to the family, because i could not bear the thought of someone else sleeping in. my. room!

and then, when we left another house, as soon as i got my driver's license, i would periodically take drives over there to see what they had done to the place and, again, felt a pang of hurt when i realized that they had taken my blue bedroom and turned it yellow. yellow! because although it wasn't my room anymore, a part of me had laid claim on that place and forevermore, it would somehow belong to me, no matter who owned it.

i realized some years later that that was me trying to establish something for myself...to take some control where i never felt i had any.

as an adult, i've made a lot of decisions—some of them good, some of them bad, ALL of them mine. and at the end of the day, whether my sense of what was right and true led me down a path, or whether fear dictated my steps, the choices were mine alone, and the fact that i made them, over and over, and faced their consequences, began to help me feel like i didn't NEED to control everything.

and this decision to move now is a kind of final step in that process. i am stepping back into the unknown because i need to have things NOT be in control for awhile...not be predictable....but the difference is that it's my choice to walk to the edge and step off, knowing that God has ordered my steps. in the end, i don't have to fear the unknown because He's already in it. what's more, i don't have to make any desperate grasps at holding onto something that doesn't belong to me just so i can feel safe. i choose to hold it all with an open hand and let it be what it will be.

so, in three weeks, i will close one door and walk through the open one in front of me. i don't know what the next year of my life will bring, or what adventures i'll have, but that's okay. and although this goodbye may be bittersweet, i won't resist its coming. in fact, i think i'm ready for it.

actually, i know i am....

2 comments:

epub novice said...

love the new masthead and love the new post!!

Lynn said...

Wow! Congratulations on turning the page to another chapter. From your previous post, it sounds like there are lots of good reasons for this choice. Hope it's even better than you're expecting...