Sunday, June 07, 2009

remembering

for the last two years, understandably, my life has been very focused on getting my master's degree. and in that time, certain pleasures and hobbies have had to take a back seat...at least that's how i've viewed it...because quite honestly, i made the decision at the outset that i wasn't going to give myself to something like this unless i was really going to GIVE myself to it. and, for the most part, it's been the right decision for me during this time.

in the interim, however, some other things have become rather apparent: the season has ended on some of my friendships (all right - i suppose that's unavoidable, really). also, my diligence and upkeep with certain regular chores and habits has definitely been down (again, understandable, but not something i want to continue). and finally—and perhaps the one that really gives me pause—i feel remarkably out of touch with myself...so much so, really, that i'll have this luscious moment or experience in which i feel totally connected again and it almost makes me cry because i suddenly realize what's been packed away in a box for a period of time.

the only other time i've experienced this so strongly was when i was in a relationship and had inadvertently sent parts of myself underground for (what i thought was) the sake of the other person. let me just say—not a good thing. when i realized i had done this, i became so angry, so selfish with the need to resurrect those things i had put to death (even if temporarily) and i was hell-bent on bringing them back into the 'vernacular' of my life that nothing and no one would stop me.

i was so different then, though, and that hibernation was unintentional and in no way necessary. this period of virtual desert, however, has been for the greater good of my education and (hopefully) to create future opportunities. having said that, i will admit that i've been feeling some measure of resentment for the last month for all that i have had to put away. it's like i want to open all my drawers, dump out their contents, and just look at my stuff again...reconnect with every bit of it...enjoy it and use it before i have to put it away to let everyday life function as it must.

as i type this post, a chanteuse is laying out some truly yearnful, hopeful, slightly melancholy lyrics that stir me. i remember this. and in the kitchen is the dinner that i will go and create with fun ingredients and spices hidden in the back of my cabinet. i remember this also. and though there are 3 weeks left of this final course in my MBA program, i'm hoping that, little by little, i can begin to reclaim all that i've tucked away for the last 22 months of my life...that i can start enjoying a weekend free of obligations...that i can go visit friends who now have husbands and babies and new homes and all of that...that i can forge ahead with gusto into the next project(s) i have lined up for my life—one(s) that will not require me going underground in order to complete a goal. i'm getting it all back, do you hear me? all of it. every. little. bit.

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