Thursday, December 31, 2009
here are (some of) the reasons why....
1. i have some fitness and weight loss goals that i want to bring about. no time like the present to get moving!
2. i have a stack of books that are calling my name, just waiting to be read.
3. i have fun plans on the horizon in less than a month.
4. i have lots of new cookbooks to peruse and use as inspiration to create fun, healthful meals.
5. there's always the possibility of professional growth and new opportunities. at the very least, i still have a great job, and i'm super thankful for that.
6. i have some beautiful people in my life, and some of the ones who are far away, i may even get to see this year. that makes me sublimely happy.
there are probably a million more reasons, but the bottom line is this: tomorrow holds promises that today could not fulfill, and i'm ready for what lies ahead...not just what will come to me but what i can and will bring about by my hard work and dedication.
i'm well aware that some of my dreams may not come easily, but where's the satisfaction in having life handed to you like some type of freebie? putting in hard work means that, at the end of the journey, you understand the worth of what you have.
and me? i'm ready to have it all. so let's get to work!
happy 2010, everyone. may this year knock your socks off!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
this morning has been highly productive workwise; while revising and formatting a doc, i was listening to the festival of lessons and carols from kings college, cambridge. what a flood of memories i always get when hearing those crisp, clear tones and robust, harmonically rich refrains. it makes me think of being a child and sitting in the pew on christmas eve, waiting for the moment at the end of the midnight service when we all lit our candles and quietly sang 'silent night' as the clock struck midnight. and even though we were so far from bethlehem, i couldn't help but feeling that 'the hopes and fears of ALL the years' were present in those simple lyrics, sung in a dark church by hundreds of voices, united in one moment of peaceful acknowledgement.
so much has changed since then about my life, but much inside of me...of what i want and who i am...is still the same. i have walked a rocky path, again and again, to that manger to see what God has placed there. and many times i have failed to follow that star in the east (or the one inside my heart) and have tried to walk my own road, on my own terms. but the truth is that no matter where i wander, the mystery and wonder of this time always bring me back to that child...to the reason He came....to the reason He died. and i cannot help but feel so grateful for all the chances i have to rise and fall, to trip and veer and stray....and to come back home again.
i hope tonight to go with my parents and sit in another pew and sing those songs and pray those prayers i've known nearly my whole life. and although december 25 may not mark the actual day of Jesus's entrance into the world, i'm thankful to have this time to spend with those i love, to sit and reflect on all that His life and sacrifice have meant to me, and to thank God for the gift of music, of peace, of good friends, and of second (and third, and fourth, etc.) chances.
and to whoever you are who may be reading this, may you be reminded that there is always a chance to turn toward a new and better life, toward a new way of thinking and being, toward forgiveness for yourself and others. may the knowledge of this gift flood your heart this day...and always....
Monday, December 07, 2009
well, that's a valid question, but here's the thing (two things, really): 1) i'm finally nearly over the bronchitis that i contracted over thanksgiving week this year that rendered me positively immovable when i visited my parents the weekend before and 2) because of #1, i was able to get myself back to the gym tonight where i ROCKED the elliptical. i must give a serious shout-out to blackalicious, whose tunes and rhymes gave me the vibe to keep on movin until the time on the machine ran out.
all of this effort is to the end of participating in the journey i've been on since this summer to change my physical body once and for freaking all. i've talked about it before, here and there, and know that i had to get through a lot of emotional baggage before i'd even be ready to consider such a venture, but i've done the work on my heart and mind, and i was just waiting to be ready to tackle this. in the past, my efforts have been stalled due to some combination of illness and self-sabotage (the latter usually because of some romantic endeavor that wound up falling flat anyway). this time, however, i feel different. for one thing, i've kept this thing up for about 6 months now, so it's much more a way of life than it is a 'diet', and despite minor setbacks (such as the aforementioned bronchitis and the afore-aforementioned case of the SHINGLES), i am making progress, little by little. i have a support system in place, a plan to get me where i want to go, and sheer determination, the grace of God, and a hope for a better life to drive me.
so tonight, when i went back to the gym after my two-week period away, i was reminding myself that you can do this, girl. keep the machine moving. keep choosing your dreams. keep your head up and remember that no one has given this to you. this is the gift you give yourself. and you deserve it.
and i know that i do. i really, really do.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
first it was a bad sinus infection in late summer, then the shingles in early fall, and now a major case of bronchitis before turkey day. i hereby declare that NO MORE DISEASE is allowed to cross my doorstep for the foreseeable future. do you hear me? because i mean it this time, and when i get a bee in my bonnet, it's best not to cross me.
now then, since i have some 'extra' time on my hands spent wrapped up in blankets and pjs, i'm watching all my DVRed episodes of oprah and mentally plotting what christmas cookies i want to bake this year. (a dear friend informed me that i was to get on a big batch of pecan tassies post haste or there would be hell to pay. methinks she's onto something.) tomorrow i hope to share the day of thanks with salimah and her fam—if i can drag my sorry butt off the couch and put on a little makeup and some real clothes—because nothing says turkey day like some semi-drunken game playing, blackmail videos of salimah's sister dancing with the dog, uproarious laughter (my side!), and liquored up sweet potato pie. and i'm not even doing any cooking this year!
my motto for tomorrow (and every day, really): don't let the turkeys get you down. truer words, people....truer words....
Saturday, November 07, 2009
now then, in addition to that, i feel like i've been wasting my own time lately running in circles like some type of silly school girl. what's that about? oh, right: i'm bored. the idle mind really IS the devil's playground sometimes, i think. project for the winter: stop the madness.
and speaking of winter, it got decidedly cold last night. like, below freezing cold. no wonder my throat hurts and i feel like i could just mainline hot cocoa lately. note to self: sleep more, stay hydrated, and stop fretting, for heaven's sake!
Thursday, November 05, 2009
- i've seen 'this is it' twice now, and i have to say that the love is still very much there. two hours watching that genius did my heart good:).
- i'm contemplating dying my hair darker. not sure if it'll happen or not, but i'm fully contemplating (think auburn!).
- i'm woefully unprepared for the impending holidays.
- i'm nearly over the shingles, although i'm still having some nerve pain. but just a little these days.
- i'm still fully entrenched in a bonafide writer's block. blech.
- i heart cottage cheese lately with some type of passion (almost). eerie.
- i've had a few mild adventures, but nothing to write home about.
- i'm slowly but surely making progress on some major life goals i started tackling within the last year. that makes me happy.
- i'm feeling more and more sure of where i want to go and what i want to do once i get there.
- well rested? not so much.
so, that about sums up my fall. here's hoping i have something else to say before december peeks its head around the corner. i guess we'll all find out together....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
yeah, that's right. shingles. that condition that is theoretically not supposed to hit you until you're of AARP-card-carrying age. let me just say, for anyone still reading, that i cannot recommend one thing about this affliction, except perhaps that sometimes, percocet-induced sleep can be quite delish. first there's pain, swelling (it looked like i had the mumps last week), itching, burning, the feeling as though there are bugs crawling on me, and occasional jolts of ice cold across my scalp. in other words, awesome.
thankfully i went straight away to the doctor and got myself on a course of antivirals, steroids, and the aforementioned painkillers.
since then it's been a slow crawl back to 'normal,' and i'm still having enough symptoms and headaches that i can't make a full day back at the office just yet.
but i'm moving forward, despite all of it, and i'm still making some good choices in other areas of my life.
in other news, i'm moderately obsessed with cottage cheese.
but perhaps that's a story for another day.
nice to see you, internets. who knows? maybe i won't be such a stranger in the month of november....:)
Sunday, October 04, 2009
tonight my mind is traffic-jammed with thoughts and i'm not much for words, but i have learned to let others' musings suffice when mine do not. here is rilke's take on things, circa 1914:
again and again, even though we know love's landscape
and the little churchyard with its lamenting names
and the terrible reticent gorge into which the others
end: again and again the two of us go out together
under the ancient trees, lay ourselves down again and again
among the flowers, facing opposite the sky.
i'll be back soon, blog world. promise.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
so, for now, i'm still here. but it won't be long before you'll see me in a new light....
Friday, August 28, 2009
although i love the idea of instant communication and the quoting of a song lyric to condense an entire wave of emotion in one simple phrase, the importance of crafting prose cannot be underestimated. how can i in any way fancy myself to be any type of writer if i cannot, in fact, write anymore?
i assure you, internets, that i have much to say. i just cannot think of ANY of it when i sit down to put fingers to keyboard. i know i mentioned in a previous post that i'm suffering from a kind of writer's block, but in actuality, i think i'm suffering from sound bite-itis. there are only so many times that i can quote the lyrics to a bread song or some colbie caillat or david gray lovesick refrain before the words become stilted and clichéd (although to me they really never will). i have to find my own words again...to look at the world and feel all that i feel and then share it with you...with myself...in a way that really means something.
i don't know what the real answer is here. i'm not sure whether a period of silence and reflection would make a difference, or whether i just need to write more as an exercise--even if i have nothing to say. so, to myself i make this promise: in the coming days, i will try to put more thoughts out there, even if to the outside world they mean absolutely nothing. the point, i suppose, is that i keep speaking my mind. these words, after all, are often all i have, looking back. and whether they are single sentences or long, blustery paragraphs...whether they are my words or some i've bogarted from others....i will let them speak for me. they are my memory. they are how i connect who i was then with who i am now....and with who i will be tomorrow. they are, quite simply, my emissaries, my purveyors of truth.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
in celebration of my new-found freedom, of sorts, this summer has been one of films and grocery shopping with abandon. i am a produce hound, and as soon as my refrigerator begins to empty of all the fruits and veggies, i return to fill up a cart and lug home my wares to stuff my crisper box and all three shelves with packages of peppers, blueberries, strawberries, various forms of lettuce, green onions, long english cucumbers, baby carrots, and crispy-tart grapes. i'm telling you - it's been one hell of a summer.
in the midst of all of this, i have been working my tail off at my job trying to stay on top of deadlines, so because i don't have a ton of mental energy at the end of each day, i've enjoyed drowning myself in luscious, useless 'reality' programming until bedtime. and at night, i crawl under my fairly newly acquired beachy-green duvet cover and blue-green-taupe paisley sheets and drift off to dreamland with a long to-do list hung for safekeeping in the upper recesses of my consciousness.
i've had a pedicure that's lasted me for a month and a half. that's an accomplishment worthy of its own paragraph breaks.
i've made a few new friends and have enjoyed the prospect of impromptu dinners out and occasional meet-ups for various social gatherings. in line with this, i'm trying to say 'yes' more than i say 'no.' (i admit that sometimes this is easier said than done.)
i have lovely red globe lanterns (replete with white stars) hanging on my balcony. this still delights me in ways i cannot explain.
i am learning to embrace the heat a bit more (just a bit).
although this summer has treated me fairly well, i am all too happy to let fall arrive in all its grandeur, bringing with it the crisp evening air, the early mornings where darkness lingers, and the long drives down country roads bursting with all the best colors nature can offer. to be honest, my heart is ready for the next thing, the new adventure, the fresh notepads and pens filled with ink (oh, the promise that they hold!), the talks over coffee, the long lists with checked-off items, and the knowledge that i am one day closer to everything i hold dear.
as long as there are more words inside me, i will keep writing.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
actually, while we're on the subject, i'm really not in the market for cataclysms just now. i'll take rest and relaxation for 400, alex....
and speaking of relaxation, i have, like, eight more personal/vacation days to use up before the end of the year, and i'm having a really hard time trying to decide what to do with them. part of me feels like i should save most of them up and just take off a huge chunk of time right before christmas, but the other part of me is quick to remind that christmas is FIVE months away. dudes, that's a long time without a break.
so, in the interim, i shall ponder all these things in my heart, keep reading the chick lit book i'm slowly making my way through, blind myself on occasional, feverish bouts of cross-stitch, and (currently) make that baklava salmon that's got my name ALL over it for dinner.
Friday, July 31, 2009
and tonight i find myself at a similar beginning feeling just as uncertain (or at least slightly doubtful) that i can actually FINISH what i've started. and yet now i have clear evidence that i can do these things, so tonight i'm giving myself an internal pep talk that not only CAN i do this, but i WILL do it. and however long it takes, i will just keep working hard until i get it done. no doubt i've been tough on myself these last two years, and while some of that might not be super healthy or helpful, it gets things accomplished, you know? so maybe i'll let a little of my inner drill sergeant out again to kick some ass and take some names (even if it's my own ass getting kicked). and who knows where i'll be two years from now? one thing's for sure: i've tasted straight As and i'm not particularly interested in half-hearting my way through my life anymore. this time i'm going straight to the head of the class.
mark my words.
Monday, July 27, 2009
i know i'll get there some day; it's all part of the process of deciding what i absolutely need and what i don't...of saying no, of making piles, of prioritizing. i'm good at it in other ways, really....just not, apparently, when it involves paper-related items and canned goods/baking supplies.
tonight is not the night for gargantuan undertakings, however. my cleaning lady is coming tomorrow, so i must tidy (i.e., create piles, around which she will dust), make dinner, wash dishes, and watch my dose of mindless (mind-numbing?) television programming. let it be known, however: i want less clutter in my life. so it is written. so it shall be....
Saturday, July 25, 2009
it's saturday and i'm one week out from the beginnings of a throat and sinus infection thing that definitely knocked me down; i'm assuming that one or more people at work with their own brand of ill got me this way, but no matter. i've been taking steps to rid my body of the unwanted.
perhaps more significant, however, is that michael jackson has been dead one month today. it feels so strange to type that, still, because my world has always had him in it, and it still does, in a way, but obviously it's not the same. i'm not gonna lie - it's been really hard to come to terms with that truth. it's like i miss someone i know, and i feel so disappointed at the realization that he'll never make any more music...that there will never be a chance for him to do anything remotely similar to the brilliance he laid down on some of his earlier tracks. to manage this, i've been surrounding myself either with his music or with music that makes me feel similar things that his does. of course, nothing moves me like the grumbling guitar at the beginning of 'billie jean' or the disco beat and soaring vocals of 'rock with you'....and yeah, i'm even a sucker for the slightly saccharin sweetness of 'will you be there' and 'man in the mirror.' i can't help it, man...he felt every word....
as a white girl growing up in suburban america living in a house where a lot of classical music was played (along with folksy stuff and early pop/rock of the 70s and 80s), michael jackson opened my world in a way that no other musician ever could. sure, my folk-loving, poetry-infused heart still belongs to james taylor, but my soul and my rhythm and my love for the funk can be traced back to michael's 'off the wall' and 'thriller.' no doubt.
and that's probably why i love all those r&b boys who croon and sing their high-pitched 'hooo' and do their runs and what-not....because all of them have at least a little of MJ in what they're doing. they took his basic palette and brought their own hues and nuances to add to the art...but let's all just acknowledge that if he hadn't been painting the way he did, they wouldn't be doing their thing now - and fooling all the young girls into believing that they did it best or first or with the most swagger. but if you look at that 10-year-old kid belting out any number of songs, he had it all inside of him, even then. a slight turn of the head, a jutting of the jaw - the funk was already there.
so, i'm sure i'll still cry for awhile when i hear some of this songs, and in a few weeks, i hope to have a little memorial of my own with a few friends who will gather to watch one of his concerts and just talk about our memories. he may be gone from this earth, but his music got into me—and into countless others—and even though "the groove is dead and gone (yeah), you know that love survives....so we can rock forever on...." and we will, michael. i promise you that.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
and as i laid in bed, listening to my alarm for a good ten minutes, all i kept thinking, over and over, was how much i regret you...you who will never read this....you who have since become the representation of all things i regret—or will regret in the future....you, the one-trick pony....you who are called by different names, depending on the day and the conversation in which you are brought up....you who seemed so positive in so many ways yet took and took and took from me and never really gave anything back....you who, if you were reading this, would know exactly who you are. OH, how. i. regret. you.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
my goal for the rest of the weekend is to drink/eat as much chicken soup as possible, push fluids like they're going out of style (yesterday i probably drank a gallon of water; i am not exaggerating), take my probiotics and vitamins, and try to catch winks of rest when i can.
not speaking is surprisingly enjoyable sometimes, you know. it makes you realize how little there really IS to say sometimes. and with that, i'm done:).
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
in the midst of it all, michael jackson died. this has marked my days with a kind of grief that i didn't think i would feel at such a revelation. i have many thoughts on this event, but i'm letting them all marinate before i write them down. some things are too intensely personal to share capriciously.
soon. very soon.
in the meantime, hi there, world. nice to see you again:)
Friday, June 26, 2009
i know when this is all over, i'm going to have some pains of separation from my time as a student. despite my delight over having more time for myself, i will miss my coursework and the process of giving myself to something so wholeheartedly. it has been one heck of a ride, but i'm so glad i made the decision to embark upon this journey. my life has been enriched, probably more than i can know at this point. i've always believed that education can change the world; i know without a doubt that it's changed mine.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
before i get ahead of myself, though, i feel the need to have an action plan for the next two weeks of my life. here are my wants and needs, in no particular order:
1. hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
2. try to be in bed by midnight (at the latest) every night.
3. continue to eat lots of fruit and vegs to keep the stress-related illnesses at bay.
4. same with protein (oh, and helps with the energy, for sure).
5. get a pedicure (i threw that one in there just for fun; in truth, i might wait until my birthday, which is in two weeks and 3 days!).
6. get my simulator homework done by 8 pm every day, no exceptions.
7. ride with the sunroof open as many days as possible, with music blaring, of course.
8. call my supportive friends for extra fortification.
9. keep ipod charged for work-related stress reduction.
all right, that about does it! i'll say one thing: i'm definitely looking forward to getting back into blogging this summer once i can think straight. let's all keep our fingers crossed about that one, shall we?
june 28, i'm coming after you, and you better watch it, because i'm feeling relentless.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
in the interim, however, some other things have become rather apparent: the season has ended on some of my friendships (all right - i suppose that's unavoidable, really). also, my diligence and upkeep with certain regular chores and habits has definitely been down (again, understandable, but not something i want to continue). and finally—and perhaps the one that really gives me pause—i feel remarkably out of touch with myself...so much so, really, that i'll have this luscious moment or experience in which i feel totally connected again and it almost makes me cry because i suddenly realize what's been packed away in a box for a period of time.
the only other time i've experienced this so strongly was when i was in a relationship and had inadvertently sent parts of myself underground for (what i thought was) the sake of the other person. let me just say—not a good thing. when i realized i had done this, i became so angry, so selfish with the need to resurrect those things i had put to death (even if temporarily) and i was hell-bent on bringing them back into the 'vernacular' of my life that nothing and no one would stop me.
i was so different then, though, and that hibernation was unintentional and in no way necessary. this period of virtual desert, however, has been for the greater good of my education and (hopefully) to create future opportunities. having said that, i will admit that i've been feeling some measure of resentment for the last month for all that i have had to put away. it's like i want to open all my drawers, dump out their contents, and just look at my stuff again...reconnect with every bit of it...enjoy it and use it before i have to put it away to let everyday life function as it must.
as i type this post, a chanteuse is laying out some truly yearnful, hopeful, slightly melancholy lyrics that stir me. i remember this. and in the kitchen is the dinner that i will go and create with fun ingredients and spices hidden in the back of my cabinet. i remember this also. and though there are 3 weeks left of this final course in my MBA program, i'm hoping that, little by little, i can begin to reclaim all that i've tucked away for the last 22 months of my life...that i can start enjoying a weekend free of obligations...that i can go visit friends who now have husbands and babies and new homes and all of that...that i can forge ahead with gusto into the next project(s) i have lined up for my life—one(s) that will not require me going underground in order to complete a goal. i'm getting it all back, do you hear me? all of it. every. little. bit.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
today after dropping salimah off at her place, i went to my office to load up my desk with some snacks i bought at bj's. i was going to head straight home, but it was so beautiful outside, i decided to open the sunroof and all the windows and take a drive back up to the hunt valley area where my favorite little coffee shop is. after procuring an iced tea (lots of lemon, please!), i wandered over to the farmstand across the road and bought some tomatoes and potatoes (forgotten on yesterday's excursions) and then made my way back home, singing at the top of my lungs the whole way.
as i was driving under the swaying, lush green canopy watching the sun filter down along the winding road toward home, i realized how much i love days like this...when the whole world stretches out in front of you and for 10 minutes, you can forget all the things on your to-do list. my heart leapt a little in my chest as i imagined myself forward to the day when i can have a whole weekend full of errands and fun and centered calm, without regard for homework and deadlines and all that rubbish. it's coming soon, though, and as much as i can for now, i'm trying to keep the melancholy at bay with the idea of sun-drenched, cool mornings, the wind in my face, and singing loud on the open road that takes me anywhere my heart wants to go.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
what i want is to go somewhere where nobody knows my name (so anti-'Cheers,' i know) and just wander around to my heart's content, write the story that's on the tip of my brain, and figure out what i'm really thinking about my life these days.
what is real, however, is that, in typical 'me' fashion, i have bitten off slightly more than i can chew, and i just don't exactly know whether to swallow the piece and hope it doesn't kill me on its way down or pull part of it out of my mouth and just say enough's enough.
Monday, May 25, 2009
in about a month, i'll be done with this master's program. i've busted my tail and done a lot of work over the last 21 months, and i've managed to get straight As, but this final class has me wondering if my streak is over. some of my colleagues think of me as the girl who cried wolf, because every course, i apparently complain that i'm not going to do well and then get an A. whatev. i'm telling you that this one will be nothing short of miraculous, because much of my grade is based on this ridiculous simulator that i cannot make sense of to save my life.
in the meantime, i'm going to go and cook some food for the week and hope that i can calm the hell down and just bide my time. this, too, shall pass, i know.... then on to the next adventure.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
in other news, my birthday is a mere 6 weeks from today (and 3 days before, i should mention, i will be FINISHED WITH SCHOOL). i will be 34, and i'm not sure how i'm feeling about that. to be honest, i try not to think about all the things i haven't done by this age (things i figured i surely would have accomplished by now) and instead think about all the possibilities that lie ahead. 34 seems so...blah to me, so uninspiring. i suppose i shall have to figure out a way to rectify that...infuse some intrigue and madcap adventure into the 365 days. of course, knowing my life, there will be some measure of all of that—and more.
i'm off to create a powerpoint due tonight. first, a quickie dinner of chix and vegs; perhaps a little american idol in the background (i'm filled with despondency since my danny gokey got voted out last week, but whatev); and a concerted effort NOT to yell at my neighbors who are making loud noises and allowing their children to run about screaming and carrying on.
two more days, and it's officially a 3-day weekend. i can roll with that.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
this weekend, bella got all spiffied up, and today after work, i went and bought some new running shoes to keep my tootsies happy. really, it's just a matter of checking all the items off my list before i depart.
oh, and i'm going to the antebellum south, in case you're wondering....the land of sweet tea and y'all....where i plan to sleep in, get on a boat, put my feet in the ocean, eat more than one grit, visit my dear nigel, and finish the book i began before this past semester started. in short, i can't wait. when i come home, i promise to *try* and upload some pics, but for anyone who's read my blog for more than a year, you know that i don't always hop to it right away. i'm trying to get better. really, i am.
so, that's all the news that's fit to print tonight. i'll have my laptop while i'm there, so i'm sure there may be some blogging, facebooking, and tweeting going on (but again, we'll see how faithful i am with it all once i've got an ocean breeze in my face).
try not to miss me too much, y'all. see you on the flip side:).
Saturday, April 18, 2009
i think it may have helped.
i'm not entirely out of the woods, but my chest isn't incredibly tight anymore—thank God. still, i cannot seem to shake the cloud my head is in. i don't know if it's 3-day-old nyquil that has yet to wear off, complete exhaustion, or some combination of the two, but it's taking me extra time to do everything. as it stands, i've been up for 5 hours now, and i haven't even gotten fully dressed yet, haven't eaten anything, and certainly haven't started on the paper i have due tomorrow. i just cannot get moving. all i want to do is sleep.
so, i'm going to listen to my body. i'm going to eat a little lunch and then i'm going to take a nap while i wait for salimah to call so we can hang out. the laundry can sit in its piles. the paper will get written tomorrow. right now, i need restorative sleep and more fluids. sometimes that's just what the doctor ordered.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
picking at a worried seam
try to make you mad at me over the phone
red eyes and fire and signs
i'm taken by a nursery rhyme
i wanna make a ray of sunshine and never leave home
no amount of coffee, no amount of cryin
no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
no no no no no, nothing else will do
i've gotta have you, i've gotta have you.
the road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
i'm the new chicken plucking open hearts and ears
oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
but green, it is also summer
and i won't be warm till i'm lying in your arms.
i see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...
no amount of coffee, no amount of cryin
no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
no no no no no, nothing else will do
i've gotta have you, i've gotta have you.
it's easter sunday and i got up early to bright sunshine and blue skies. yes, i thought, that's right. good friday the skies were angry and overcast. i fully believe that on easter sunday, it should be bright and clean. as a child, even before really understanding the meaning of the day, i remember daffodils and ribbons in my hair and sunshine warming my skin and somehow i knew that was as it should be.
i wasted no time this morning waking up and setting about the things i needed to get done before leaving the house in a bit. laundry's churning, cookies are baked, breakfast still in my tum (eggs, biscuits), and i'm listening to the weepies. i cannot get enough of them these days. their melodies make sense to me on a visceral level, and they remind me of what it is that i want and where i want to be.
all day today, i've thinking about a place that once represented sorrow and death becoming a source of peace and hope. there was once a tomb inside of me, too, i think....a well of sadness and loneliness and pain. but the one who transformed that tomb in jerusalem has changed the place inside of me and given me dreams and hope and the will to want things i never knew i could have. and one day i'll get there, even though my path might look different than some others'.
i've never been very good at following the masses, and it seems i'm still not. but this isn't really about them, is it? it's not really about what anyone else thinks. all the matters is that in some small way, i've seen that empty tomb and i know that some day it will all make sense to me.
in the mean time, there are some more things i still need to walk through. grad school is almost over, and then the next big project begins. and i know what i hope is waiting for me around the next bend in the road. looks like i need to get some new shoes for the next leg of this journey. it might prove to be a bit rocky, but like i said, one day i'll get there.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
1. now that i've moved my furniture around/gotten new stuff, i really want to paint. i'm pretty sure this will NOT happen because a) i don't have the time to deal with that right now and b) the fumes are no good for me.
2. i need an oil change soon.
3. in particular, i should get an oil change soon, because i'm going to charleston, sc, in 3 weeks or so to visit my dear nigel. i love that i will be in the land of sweet tea for a few days.
4. i've been thinking lately that my days of city living have a shelf life, and i'm becoming less and less tolerant of the idea of urban dwelling. not that i have any grand plans for today, mind you, but i just feel like i can't stay here forever...nor do i want to.
5. one of my coworkers is pregnant, and it occurs to me every few days that she's actually growing a human man-child inside of her. trippy.
6. i am not sleeping well lately, as i'm sure you can tell....
7. i can count multiple nights this week where i didn't eat dinner because of homework and then found myself awake and ravenous at 2 a.m.. this is not contributing to #6 either.
8. i consider #s 6 and 7 a problem.
9. i have rediscovered my love for old school strawberry preserves. they still might be my secret, underdog favorite for pb&j sandwiches.
10. i think i'm getting hungry.
11. enough of that. i need to clean out my desk drawers and reorganize my papers. it's actually starting to get on my nerves.
12. i have ella fitzgerald's version of 'the boy from ipanema' in my head. it's splicing and interspersing with 'evening' by eric roberson. interesting....
12+1. i just found out that domino is discontinuing its magazine production. bummer. but at least i got an awesome tote bag out of the deal :D.
14. once i get done with grad school, i have a list of items that i want to accomplish asap, not the least of which is to start ripping my entire CD collection so i can load up my ipod properly. i find myself craving random music that i own but don't have electronic copies of. sometimes you just need to hear 'love is a battlefield,' you know?
15. my grandmother keeps making cameo appearances in my dreams lately. i wonder what that's about.
16. today i got to watch some kids running in circles looking up at the sky, and i actually felt a little jealous. i don't remember the last time i did that.
17. in order to make up for #s 6 and 7, i want to take a nap later and make a good dinner. it's all about restoration, baby.
18. i really only drink cabernet these days (if i'm drinking wine, that is).
19. my beloved JT was on oprah today. it actually made me tear up a tiny bit to see him.
20. i've made it to 20 and suddenly i'm sleepy. i feel i should go capitalize on this.
21. goodnight (again)!
Thursday, April 02, 2009
this morning i feel lethargic like there's no tomorrow. i have major deadlines and am, therefore, working at home today, but i'm just having a hard time getting jumpstarted. i swear, i'm so tired of talking about how i want grad school to be over, but it's at the front of nearly every thought i seem to have these days.
so i'm officially letting the world know that in three more months, you won't hear me whining about this anymore. i pinky swear.
in the meantime, however, i cannot make any promises.
here is my positive statement du jour (must make sure to get at least one of these in): i'm hanging out with my dear friend melly tonight (we're getting mari luna), and between now and then, i plan to eat some real breakfast to make up for last night's jelly bean debacle. onward and upward....
Monday, March 30, 2009
please, for the love of all that is good and kind, stop cooking delicious-smelling food at 10 p.m. when, quite frankly, i'm hungry from a lacklustre dinner i ate on the fly while reading something meaningless for homework. for some reason, your late-night feasting makes me crave stuffing like nobody's business. yeah, that's right. like stove top, out-of-the-box-and-on-a-plate-in-two-minutes stuffing. what is wrong with this picture? everything. ev.ry.thing.
okay, also, i can hear every word of your television program. how freaking loud do you have your tv turned up that the person ABOVE you can hear this? seriously, unless you want me to start doing some type of aerobics up here...or better yet, irish dancing (yeah, that'll really show 'em!)...please turn it down just a smidge.
and if you're not going to turn it down, could you at least call me the next time you're making fried chicken? pretty please?
thanks for your consideration,
Sunday, March 29, 2009
oh, and suddenly the sun is out again.
in other news, i've been having the strangest dreams for the past few nights, undoubtedly brought on by my anxiety over salimah's unemployment, coupled with too much facebook and the inevitable wheezing that occurs during allergy season. former coworkers, reality tv stars, and movie characters are showing up unannounced to hug me, console me, tell me i'm fired, and/or help me problem solve my way through some un-solvable problem.
now that i type these words, the sky has opened back up, and rain is battering my window at full force.
spring is, indeed, a funny, fickle season. how fitting.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
i love these pens. for editing, they're my favorite.
finally, my 'new' phone (new to me since january). honestly, this thing is a little bit temperamental, but at least it hasn't completely crapped out on me the way the instinct did. that phone was such a punk. never again.
now then, enough of these diversions; i'm off to eat dinner and do homework!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
lately i've been listening to other people's stories of 'woe,' and i find myself thinking that they just need to get over themselves. i know it sounds insensitive, but even despite the economic misery we're all facing (among other things), there is still so much good to find in each day. and i guess when i listen to the whinings of someone else who pretty much has it made, i want to just tell her/him to cease and desist. even more so, when i listen to my own whinings, i find myself quickly over it...shut up, sarah. just shut up and move on.
last night i had a dream that i opened up the window next to my desk at work (which faces a kind of courtyard, 7 floors up), and there was snow all around me, on every branch and piled high on the walls surrounding me. my coworker looked at me with this childlike glint in her eye and i knew in that instant that i needed to start making snowballs to throw with gusto. i tried a few round-shaped ones, but eventually, i realized that if i made my snowballs in the shape of footballs (mini torpedoes, i called them), they would soar much farther. i guess when you think about it, much of life's successful attempts come down to a bit of good sense, a spirit of fun, and aerodynamics.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
in the past few weeks, i've been acquiring some new things for my apartment, and tomorrow morning, some new dining room furniture is set to arrive, along with a new entertainment center thingie from ikea. nothing earth-shattering, but it was time. my old dining room set was about 10 years old, very well used, and had a huge scratch up the middle of the table due to the indiscretions of my ex's former roommate. whatever. the whole thing cost me 175 bucks brand new. that should tell you something about its craftsmanship.
anyhoo, i'm just glad to have it gone. i wound up giving the set to a pregnant, out of work woman and her new husband. i hope they can get some more good use out of it before it falls apart completely. i was happy to donate it to some people who both need and appreciate it.
in other news, i'm just as tired as ever, if not more so. i started crying a little tonight from sheer exhaustion. even my trip to blacksburg (girls weekend!) last week wasn't long enough...and to boot, it took us over 6 hours to get down there! driving for long periods of time doesn't really help an already cranky/sleepy/headachy me. i'm just not sure when there will be a break in the deluge of stress and unfinished tasks, but i could sure use a nice little respite sooner rather than later. if you know where i can catch a break, please report to me immediately....
Sunday, March 01, 2009
"my father and mother created from thin air what one day became radio and television news. so in the past year, an industry has lost its godparents and today millions have lost a friend." - paul harvey, jr.
and so it must be that eras pass and memories fade. but what is good in that is that even the worst things in our lives will also go away—if we choose to end them, that is. with that being said, i'm about to hunker down in one particular area of my life for the next few years, and while i don't anticipate that it will be easy to get through, i'm committed to seeing it all the way to the end, bitter or sweet. sometimes life gives us a pill that must be swallowed, whether now or later. i'm choosing today to fill up my glass and drink it down, because i'm truly convinced that ultimately, this is for my good.
thank God that i have friends, both old and new (hi, jeff!), to see me through this process and to remind me that maybe it really IS darkest just before the dawn. oh, and perhaps you're wondering why i'm being kind of cryptic. i'll tell you—part of this situation involves things i don't want to discuss on the internets for another several months (although if you're already in my life, you probably know what the heck i'm talking about), so if we're friends and you're like, huh? feel free to get in touch.
and now, because i have a ridiculously long paper to tackle today, i bid you a fond adieu. let it not be said that i'm one of those girls who stays too long at the fair....
Saturday, February 21, 2009
yeah, because water will fix my stress level. sure.
so then i go back to my desk and try to zone out to some tunes, but every song is all emotion, and i'm trying to keep mine pent up so as not to melt down. not super healthy, i know, but it's getting me through the week and it means the homework gets turned in on time.
so then yesterday was friday and i felt like i could finally relax for a few. (a huge paper due this week was already turned in, and it seemed that 1 of the monkeys previously on my back had removed itself.) somewhere in the midst of watching programming on HGTV, i fell asleep and had wacked out dreams about having house problems and weird real estate issues and what-not, and when i woke up, i felt the pressing stress of money woes on my shoulder blades.
so i went to bed. and proceeded to sleep like a log (which i needed). and then i woke up kind of late this morning, went into the bathroom to shower, took a nice, luxurious stretch, and felt every single muscle in my mid-back tense up like it had a point to prove. apparently, i slept horribly wrong, and now i'm on a heating pad with some major ibu pulsing through my system.
and did i mention i have to write a 15-page paper this week?
Monday, February 16, 2009
seriously, this is the best time of year for me, because all of my favorite shows are either on or are about to be on. american idol is about to be in full swing, the biggest loser is getting really good, jack bauer has already taken several people down on 24, that angry man from hell's kitchen is cussing people out, tom colicchio and team are about to pick another top chef, and the bachelor is about to pick ANOTHER wrong woman. again. really, it's so awesome.
and besides, can you blame a girl? it's winter time, i have no one fun to hang out with, and school is a drag. so sue me.
now if you'll pardon me, i'm off to watch my DVRed programming. happy monday!
Sunday, February 08, 2009
it was almost 70 today and the sun came out. i made delicious lasagna with a friend from work. i'm wearing flip-flops. my dishes are done. i bought red grapefruit. there are a few more hours until bed, so once i finish this paper (just do it!), i can read for awhile. my down comforter is soft and pillowy. there are harmonies and melancholy voices in my ears.
i still miss you.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
but you see, it's because i have an excuse. i was out very late last night at a beautiful friend's awesome wedding at which i drank a "bit" too much rum. (i blame it on the ukranian who plied me with free drinks before i brought 'sexy back' out on the dance floor with a host of friends and strangers.) apparently i am a dancing machine. who knew? actually, i wasn't truly busting a groove the way my friend's cousin was. i informed her and her sister that he was, in fact, a 'modern artist.' all i'm saying is he was doing these very interesting things with his fingers and the rum made it even better.
so, after i got home last night, i washed up, drank a bunch of water, took a huge ibuprofen tablet to stave off the aches, and drunk dialed my coworker to tell her all about my evening. (this is, of course, after leaving 3 messages for other friends in which i believe i informed them that i adored them and that i was, in fact, intoxicated.) again, i'm not entirely proud of myself for this, but that captain morgan really did sneak up on me.
so i slept in until 9:30 this morning after staying up until probably 3:45. less than 6 hours....not enough for me. so at about 3ish this afternoon, i put on a movie and promptly zonked out for a couple of hours. i needed it....more, apparently, than the laundry and tidying i had planned to do today.
i managed to wake up and take a quick shower in time for the kickoff of the superbowl, although i missed the national anthem (youtube, here i come). the game was awesome. i can't say i'm a fan of either the steelers or the cardinals (although that
Sunday, January 25, 2009
in other news, i'm here to report that there are a lot of freaking people in this world. i was in a beauty products store and the owner was going on and on about 6 billion. okay, yes, it's a number. a very, very big number. but do you ever really THINK about what that means?
during the inauguration this week, i looked at the sea of people that descended on washington (perhaps up to 2 million people on the mall?) and realized that this sea was just a speck of humanity. just a speck. does that ever weird anyone else out, or is it just me??
anyway, then i started thinking about the whole doppelganger theory...you know, that there's at least one other person out there that looks and perhaps acts just like you. which is just weird. and sometimes, when i'm doing something quirky and saying one of my 'isms,' i wonder if my doppelganger is saying the same thing at that very moment. and then my head starts to hurt, because again, there are SIX BILLION people and also, why am i thinking about this in the first place?
right, so anyway, i wonder if there's another person somewhere in this world that looks and acts just like me. that's it. that's all i've got tonight. i did more homework, and now my brain is shot, and i didn't eat any dinner, and i'm thinking about doppelgangers.
yesterday i spent napping, trying to chase away a headache i think was brought on by dehydration, and writing a paper that, once i sat down and actually did it, took me all of 45 minutes. all that procrastination for nothing!
today's plan is to shower, get out of the house for awhile, and then come home and do the four loads of laundry i have waiting on my floor....mostly towels and sheets, but still. i hate looking at it, and i refuse to let it go another week without getting addressed.
in other news, i'm starting to think more pointedly about what i want to do with my graduate degree—and possibly with the next one i get. if i'm going all the way to 'doctor,' i might as well have some actual plans, you know?
more on that as time passes. for now, shower and something to tide me over until lunch. what more riveting update could i give you than that!?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
but here's something: i'm thinking about getting my doctorate. i know. i know. all i've done for the last year and a half is complain about how much homework i have. and maybe i'll change my mind when the time comes, but for now, it's sounding like a darn good idea. and even more so because i get 70% off my tuition. hellOOOO....
for now, however, i just need to make it until june without losing my mind. and then i've promised myself six months off. i pinky swear!
in other news, i've taken on a small personal mission to try and be a bit less loose lipped this year. it's not so much a resolution as a mindset. yes, a mindset. that's what i shall call it. so far, so good.
and speaking of good, i'm now obsessed with encrusting everything in panko bread crumbs. so crispy and tasty! expect to hear of panko in '09.
and for my final announcement of the day: i'm getting rid of my nails. i'm tired of having them. i want stubby fingers back when i bake and do hardcore cooking, and honestly, i don't need the added expense. plus, my nails were getting tired of being covered up. i could tell. they—and i—need a break. my hair, however, does not. it needs a trim and another highlighting job in a month or two. gotta keep ahead of the old lady hair!
and with that, i have nothing more to share. i now return you to your regularly scheduled lack of programming while i go and procrastinate some more:)
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
first, the holidays were lovely and relaxing. my parents came to see me and stayed for a few days. we opened gifts, had some nice dinners, and celebrated their anniversary at della notte (for the second year in a row - it's becoming a tradition). i slept almost whenever i wanted—something i needed more than you'll ever know. over this mini-vaca, i also got to see a few dear friends and spent much time hanging out with the bff. new year's eve brought with it my dearest nigel, some tasty cocktails (including mai tais and firefly and lemonade - oh dear was THAT good), salimah and her sister, and some game-playing and karaoke-singing. i have blackmail videos, but i'm still debating whether they'll make it to the internet;). nige and i also visited with his cousin, her husband, and their two awesome kids and during that visit i was introduced to the best mac and cheese recipe i've ever encountered in my LIFE. oh, martha stewart, i really DO love you, despite what others say....
going back to work was slightly jarring, but i managed to hold it together, and although the new semester has started, i'm sort of avoiding doing anything resembling actual schoolwork. that will all change tonight, however, when i have to buckle down and produce a couple of assignments on the fly. i'm only three courses away from my degree. damn, that feels good to say!
as for what most people would consider new year's resolutions, i suppose i have a few, but at this moment, i'm not feeling so much like sharing those with the internets. perhaps i'll change my mind later, though. i'm sometimes fickle that way:).
what i CAN give you, however, is a year-in-review of '08. here are some things i discovered, rediscovered, and/or continued to appreciate, in no particular order:
1. the neti pot. holy crap - go out and get one of these and use it. i promise you won't regret it.
2. ne-yo. gosh, i heart him for some reason.
3. brown. i also heart brown.
4. red. don't worry, red, you're still my #1.
5. DVR. i don't feel that i will ever want to give this up. it has changed my TV life.
6. fage greek yogurt. i'm deeply entrenched in a love affair that borders on obsession. please don't try to intervene. it will do you no good.
7. grapefruit. citrus love. 'nuff said.
8. eucerin calming cream. so soothing.
9. regular haircuts and highlights. i'm too old to have my hair looking bad. trust me.
10. nails. even after a major nail 'incident' that involved bleeding and exposed flesh, i still love them. i may give them up in '09, though. jury's still out on this one.
11. my bella. she still runs like a charm and makes me happy every day.
12. money. i do not take these things for granted....
13. a job i enjoy. i ESPECIALLY do not take this for granted.
14. old friends and new friends. facebook really IS awesome.
15. my educational mojo. i'm kicking butt in grad school, yes, but i'm also just really wanting to continue my studies. this is foreign to me!
i know there's more. i just know it. but right now, i need to get crackin' on work and all of that. oh, and one of my glasses managed to throw itself off the kitchen counter at about 5 a.m. (hmm, suspicious), so now i've got shards all over my kitchen floor that need sweeping. is it friday yet?
oh, and happy 2009! may it be your best year yet, whoever and wherever you are:)