Saturday, August 30, 2008

all good things must come to an end....

i'm sitting here with whitening strips on my teeth, realizing that i need to get my nails filled and re-frenched asap, and paying some bills with quickly dwindling funds (my final vacation home rental payment was due this week). this morning i went to trader joe's and got a crap-ton of veggies, meat, fat-free, plain greek and european (whatever that means!) yogurts, and other protein sources for this weekend and the upcoming week. my parents are due in within the hour, and we'll probably just hang out, watch movies, and chill at the pad until tomorrow. we haven't had a visit in a couple of months and since their retirement is becoming more of a reality (my mom is actually near the end of her current career!), they're more able to take little jaunts like this one.

i've had a two-week break from school that ends on monday. honestly, it's been amazing not having anything to do, but i must admit i'm getting a little antsy to get back to it. one more year and then i'm done, people. i can't tell you how good that feels! this respite was just what i needed to feel motivated to start kicking some butt again....and believe you me, i intend to finish this how i started: strong. oh, and along with my textbooks that just arrived in the mail, i received a new texas instruments financial calculator. nerd toys! i'm so excited:)

in other news, i've been obsessively listening to two songs: at home, i loop 'hate that i love you' by rihanna and ne-yo and at work, it's all about 'no air' by jordin sparks and chris brown. not sure what this is all about, but i find this kind of repetition comforting lately.

with that being said, though, there's also no sense in getting stale or allowing the places of comfort to suck me in and hold me captive. and so, with that, i bid you—and this long and harrowing week—a fond adieu. time to change the song.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

'and all the roads we have to walk are winding. and all the lights that lead the way are blinding....'

i remember a late fall/early winter afternoon while i was still living in gaithersburg, maryland. i was driving home from work in my 2000 silver jetta with the weight of the world on my shoulders and a lump in my throat that had been there for 2 days straight. as i waited at the light on georgia avenue, the sun was just beginning to set and it seemed that darkness was descending quicker than i could speed down that suburban road toward home. a few minutes later, music blaring out of my CD player, i remember turning left on norbeck road and approaching the lake as the first sobs heaved out of me, tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. i pulled my car over to the shoulder and screamed out my sadness and anger into the approaching night, the desperation raging from somewhere deep inside of me. all that i had tried—and failed—to escape was trapped inside that roof and those four doors, stifling me.

after 45 minutes, i felt a bit lighter from the emotional purging and drove the last mile to the apartment i shared with my best friend. the light inside burned my now-red eyes. my cheeks and lips and lids were swollen and tear-stained. i felt deflated and empty and walked directly to my room to lie against my cool sheets in the dark. it was better that way.

now, 7+ years later, i sit here on a thursday night realizing that these days, i might go months without a good cry, and what often sets it off has nothing to do with those old hauntings. it has been a long journey from there to here, and the road has taken me in many different directions, with stops and side trips along the way. sometimes i haven't been able to see from the grief that clouded my vision. sometimes the darkness fell too quickly and sometimes the lights shone too brightly in my eyes. sometimes all i wanted to do was sleep and yet i kept driving, with only the hope of my destination keeping me going.

i've heard it said that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. i'm here to report that this is, quite simply, untrue. there is no straight line between then and now and no 'shortest distance' to be found when it comes to walking a crooked path filled with pain and heartache. the salvation in it all, though, is that there are those chosen few who walk beside you from time to time. there is friendship and laughter and sometimes even love to stave off the loneliness and confusion. there are maps and signs and roadside stands. there are smiles and phone calls and random chats with near strangers. there are blogs and internets and people who remind you that the possibilities for joy are greater than for sorrow.

all of these things, tangible and intangible, seem to make the crooked paths straighter somehow. these are my wonderwalls, and 'i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.' they never will.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

mid-way

i am now on day 3 of my two-week break from classes, and i have to tell you - this is the life! i forgot all about how it felt to be able to leave work and do whatever i want, without the awareness of homework hanging over my head. it's a glorious, glorious thing.

two random tidbits:
i heart my new phone. i've had the samsung instinct for a couple of weeks now, and i can't remember what it was like NOT to be able to check my e-mail on a moment's notice. the video function needs some work, but i'm sure by the time i'm ready for a new one of these bad boys, they'll be shooting full-length movies through phones or some such nonsense.

i was out to dinner on saturday night and i saw the former governor of maryland emerge from what i later found out was a ladies' restroom. curious.

off to work!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

'love is not a victory march....'

many people have sat down at a computer much like i am and written a post on how they feel (i include myself in this group) at any given time. you know what i learned again this weekend? that can change on a dime. emotions are the most fickle things, completely swayed by what is (or what seems to be) right in front of you at the time. but the real deal...the stuff that dreams (and poetry, and literature, and art, and blogs, even) are made of is SO much harder and long-suffering and sometimes downright gross. it's not a end, not a goal, not something to be grasped or won or achieved. it is the act of saying

i hear you. i choose to hear you. i also choose to let you hear me and to let you in on what scares me and what thrills me and what i whisper under my breath when i'm alone. i want you to see some part of this picture and keep seeing it and add your own 2 cents to it and be there whether it looks good or sleepy-eyed or dirty or tear-soaked or old. and if there is truth to be known, speak it. and if there is fear, let's conquer it together. and if there is loneliness, let's remind one another that two really IS sometimes better than one.

there are no pat answers when it comes to another person's heart...no clichés that can be universally applied...no 'put slot a into tab b' type of directions that will ever suffice. it is about knowing another person and allowing yourself to be truly known. and that scares the hell out of a lot of people.

but you know what, though? i'm not one of those people. i'm not so easily frightened by the thought of feeling that way about and acting that way toward someone. and believe me—there is so much i AM afraid of, but putting my heart on the line when i think there's reason to do so isn't on the list. and maybe that's why i've been hurt as many times as i have—because i'm willing to try. and maybe i'll be hurt again, but you know what? i'd rather try (and keep trying) and, as a result, feel the agony of another closed door than miss out on the gorgeous moments of discovering another person's heart and having that person discover mine.

this love is serious business. it's the stuff of legend. it's the stuff that makes men sing. it's the stuff i want from now until the end of my time here, in whatever way it avails itself to me.

it's not a cry you can hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah

Saturday, August 16, 2008

the abc's of me

a. attached or single? single
b. best friend? salimah
c. cake or pie? pie!
d. day of choice? saturday
e. essential items? moisturizer, water, cell phone, lip balm, and bella (my vw)
f. favorite color(s)? red, baby. true red.
g. gummy bears or worms? i like all things gummy. i'm not a discriminator.
h. hometown? richmond, va
i. favorite indulgence? anything with pastry cream and fruit
j. january or july? this is a silly question. july, of course. it's my birth month!
k. kids? i have none. i might want some...with the right person.
l. life isn't complete without? l-o-v-e in all its various forms and fashions
m. marriage date? you tell me.
n. number of brothers or sisters? 1 sister
o. oranges or apples? oranges
p. phobias? vermin of any kind (bugs, rodents, etc), tornadoes
q. quotes? of this very moment: 'that dingo ate your baby!'
r. reasons to smile? plenty. here are 3: good friends, the promise of a nap, straight As!
s. season of choice? autumn
t. tag 5 people: salimah, cat, kim, kim, and lynn
u. unknown fact about me. there's plenty you don't know, but here's a tidbit: my hand was once famous on public television for being inside a puppet of little red riding hood (le petit chaperon rouge).
v. vacation of choice? venice, italy
w. worst habit? yelling at other drivers while on the phone with salimah.
x. xray or ultrasound? xray. much quicker and less goopy!
y. your favorite food? peanut butter
z. zodiac sign? cancer, but who cares about this?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

“bernie mac just say what you want to say but can’t.”

1957–2008
yesterday the world lost one of its funniest people. as chris rock said of his friend, "bernie mac was one of the best and funniest comedians to ever live, but that was the second best thing he did. bernie was one of the greatest friends a person could have. losing him is like losing 12 people because he absolutely filled up any room he was in."

i first became aware of bernie mac the first time i saw 'kings of comedy' and i seriously laughed myself SICK over some of the bits in his segment. to this day, i quote this man on a regular basis, because he was obviously genuinely in love with his family; no one who has a bad relationship with their loved ones can joke about them the way that he did...."pray for me, america."

he was a joy to watch and i'm not ashamed to admit that i've shed some tears over his passing. he was too young and it was too soon. and though he said it of himself that he often spoke the words that many wanted to say but couldn't, i'll say what so many people are thinking today: this is a damn shame. a damn, damn shame. rest peacefully, king of comedy. you will still make us laugh for many years to come. be sure of that.

Monday, August 04, 2008

'august, die she must'*

happy (belated) month before september (a.k.a. the month for beginning again, for buying school supplies, for getting new clothes and realizing that fall is right around the corner). this will be a short check-in, since i'm pretty much in serious need of dinner (grilled salmon from wf) and some work catching up. methinks i shall be up late tonight.

just a recap of my day: i got a cortisone shot in my foot that was long overdue. here's hoping it takes its hold. i also had a random bout of cute hair. i'm not going to question it. sometimes the magic just happens. lunch was a boring roast beef sandwich that gave me phanton heartburn (which i almost never get). weird. after work (and the doctor), i stopped at whole foods (the source of the aforementioned salmon) to pick up a few things. nearly had an altercation with an older gentleman who was trying to get all up in my grille in the parking lot. i beat a hasty retreat before we had words. it was only a matter of time.

i also realized again today that my life would be a tiny bit frightening to some people who knew me back in college. i'm okay with that, though. some times things are not what they once were...and nor should they be. and, like forrest gump, that's all i have to say about that....

off to dine and try to stay awake till bedtime. busy week ahead. much homework and goings on. still smiling, though. not too shabby for a monday.

(*my apologies to art garfunkel for associating his rather beautiful lyric with my crap blog post.)