another year has come and gone for me, and so it begins again. i think back on all the promises i made to myself since my last birthday - how many i've kept and how many more i've broken. i think about times i told myself the truth, the times i got real, and the times i just went to bed and slept it off. how many ledges i walked just to prove to myself that i could. how many new faces, new names, new feelings. how many changes of scenery and saying of good-byes.
i started graduate school.
i started pursuing a career.
i started realizing that i can work in a job where people appreciate my gifts rather than try to stifle them.
i started seeing just how much my thoughts and feelings have changed in the last two years...how much looking at the world through these eyes is a different experience than it was when i was just beginning my 30s.
i still want to do and feel a lot.
i still need to see paris and venice.
i still spend some days wondering just what i'm capable of.
i still care deeply about comma splices and ending sentences with prepositions (see above), but i'm loosening up. really.
i forget what it's like to have an abundance of free time.
i forget a lot of things lately, if you want to know the truth.
despite all my forgetting, i still remember a lot of things.
like losing my grandmother five years ago this july.
like getting my heart broken...and mended....and broken again.
like becoming disillusioned with some things i once felt i had to possess.
like realizing that i never really wanted to possess those things but feeling disillusioned anyway.
like the first glimpse of freedom after years of darkness.
like lake michigan and the wind in my hair.
like the pacific ocean and hollywood hills and the sunset.
like the breaking down of barriers and realizing that some things really aren't that big of a deal.
all the important stuff has stayed with me.
my best friend.
my mom and dad.
my dearest cheerleading squad of work friends and old friends and new friends.
my sense of who i am.
my faith in something more.
i choose to live the next year with more passion than all those before it.
i choose to learn every day.
i choose to continue calling things like i see them.
i choose to allow the past to impact my future insomuch as i don't want to repeat bad decisions.
i choose to love myself enough not to give up.
i choose to answer more questions with 'yes.'
i choose, above all, to measure my life in love.