Friday, December 07, 2007

'with the snow falling down around me like a silent prayer....'

what a week it's been....

wednesday i worked from home because i had an ultrasound scheduled for the afternoon. as i sat at my desk and watched the snow falling outside all day, i wondered if i should reschedule my appointment. no, i thought, it'll take too long to get another one, and i need this situation resolved asap.

i really did think about it long and hard, but at the end of it all, i decided to go. so i made my way through slushy streets in the sleeting rain to GBMC, trudged through the snow to the physicians' pavilion, waited in an overheated office for what seemed like entirely too long, and finally got called back for my test. my podiatrist wanted both feet looked at, just to be sure, but essentially the test was to confirm what we both suspect: that i have a rather large neuroma (swollen nerve, essentially) in my right foot that is causing major pain and discomfort.

the test didn't take very long - 15 minutes at the most. when it was over, the ultrasound tech said simply, i don't see anything, sarah.


seriously, i was flabbergasted. what do you mean? i asked. she explained that normally with a neuroma, it's pretty obvious, but she said that i'd still need to wait for the final reading before i got my hopes up - or down, as the case may be.

i left the office feeling truly crappy. i mean, it's not that i want to have this wrong with me, but at least it would be a diagnosis that makes some sense of the pain i've been in for nearly a year now. at least it would mean that the next step could be taken - a procedure that might actually relieve the pain. but no. back to wearing athletic shoes everywhere i go for the foreseeable future.

so, i drove back home through what was now increasingly icy slush. and i almost made it home without event.


not 50 yards from the entrance to my apartment, bella and i were trundling along slowly when out of nowhere, the car in front of me spun out of control and crashed into a parked van at the side of the street. i immediately tapped my brakes, tried my best to slow down, but bella's tires had no traction, and i knew immediately that this wasn't good.

as my beloved car crunched into the passenger side door of this woman's car, i cried out in agony. it was all i could do not to cry....(don't worry - i did plenty of that later on.)

i called the cops, we stood around in the cold, filled out forms, waited. no one spoke to me. i was alone in the snow and the dark....with no neuroma in my foot and the pain still stinging from the ultrasound. i couldn't believe what had just happened. and it was only wednesday.

since then i'm slightly less frazzled, getting over some ambient soreness and an upset stomach (from the tension, i'm sure), and trying to brace myself to inspect my isabella when i leave the apartment tomorrow morning. it will be okay, i keep telling myself. really, it will.

i have work piling up around me, 2 weeks left of class in this semester, and a business trip to LA this week. in between all of that, i have to take bella to get inspected for damages and find time to pack and prepare myself for my first cross-country flight ever.

at the end of the day, i'm not injured, though (and neither was the other driver or her passenger), which i keep trying to remind myself is the most important thing. but can i be honest? i'm frustrated. and disappointed. and over the last couple of days, i'm chagrined to admit there's been a lump in my throat more than once. i'll say this, though: in the midst of all this mess i realized all over again that my friends...and my parents...are amazing. so supportive. people called to check up, offered to bring me whatever i needed (which was nothing, really). my boss let me work from home. my new coworker called several times for moral support. and a lovely person let me blubber my eyes out on the phone for at least 45 minutes that night. oh, and on top of that, i got an unexpected refund check from school for an amount that more than covers my rather hefty deductible. thank God for that.

so, really, sarah, it'll be okay, you see? really, it will.

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