Monday, August 13, 2007

because some days, all i have are the words that i love

in an effort to deal with myself today, i wrote my first poem in ages. i can't say it's good....don't know if it's bad.....don't really care, to be honest with you. sometimes it's simply the words that save me from myself.

the older i get, the more i find that writing is like bloodletting....and it's not just the chronicling of my daily goings-on, but it's the picking and choosing of words to get at the heart of the matter....the forming of images that plumb depths beyond depths.

the only other thing in my life that opens doors like this is music. a little more than a year ago, i joined a gym and was hardcore about going (this was before a long illness and subsequent injuries). i will never forget this one day - i was so completely agitated, it was all i could do not to just blow through the roof. i had already made a rap/hip-hop/r&b workout mix, and i knew that the only thing left for me was to tire myself out and leave the madness behind at the gym. so i got on that treadmill and started walking. i listened to every mary j. blige anthem, every song about being better off without someone, every rapper's angry tirade. and through the music and those artists' honesty, i was able to lay down everything i felt, all the crap that was clogging me up inside. their art freed me.

at the end of the day, i am interested in what unencumbers me. i am not interested in being tied down by unnecessary burdens - emotional or otherwise - so if something lifts me up and allows me to be open to possibility and to say farewell to the madness, then sign me up.

as for me in this moment, i'm not quite where i need to be just yet, but i'm going to distract myself with tilapia and roasted veggies and the hope that tomorrow may not be like today. but if it is, the words will be there....and i'll use them if i need to.

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