Wednesday, August 29, 2007

strange and arresting

last night/early this morning, i had a very vivid dream that a friend of mine from middle/high school died. i haven't talked to this girl in several years and in the dream, i called her parents' house trying to find her and her father, sounding shaken, said that she had died 2 days before. i started sobbing uncontrollably at my desk (i had called from work, apparently). and then a bunch of different people started coming around to try and 'comfort' me, including a guy i dated for a few weeks this spring.

seriously, people, either my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something, or it was the mexican food i ate for dinner last night. i'm hoping for mexican.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

it's a good thing i'm not squeamish

tonight while serving myself up some truly delicious turkey meatloaf, i stepped on something on my kitchen floor that went into my foot. when i reached down to feel for it and hopefully pull it out, my fingers were immediately covered with blood. of course, i had a moment of panic, because there were no paper towels or napkins nearby, so i stood there dripping blood all over the floor for several minutes until i realized that i had just thrown away a napkin. i grabbed it from the trash and pressed it to the bottom of my now-red-covered heel, hobbled into the pantry to grab some paper towels, and then - once it was clear that no blood would get on the carpet - made my way back to my bedroom to survey the damage.

the cut was surprisingly small for the amount of blood it produced. and thankfully, after a few moments of applying pressure, the flow had stopped. so i cleaned up my foot, applied antibacterial ointment, and bandaged it like crazy.

needless to say, after dinner there was mopping of the kitchen floor and feeble attempts to locate the source of the cut. no such luck. i don't think i have to tell you i'll be wearing my flip-flops around for a few days inside the house.


okay, so the redskins/ravens game i was supposed to attend yesterday didn't happen. basically, at the last minute, i got very sick to my stomach and wound up having to bow out. but as it happened, salimah and eu went down there as planned, and then after more than an hour of rain delay (due to thunderstorms), they decided to have kickoff in the pouring rain. the girls decided not to brave the storm and turned back for home. so in the end, it was good that i didn't attempt bravery. it would have meant a lot of standing around with thousands of other no-doubt disgruntled sports fans.

today is a new day, however. i got in a nice little weg's run this morning, stocked up for the next week or more, and stopped by the blockbuster to pick up some flicks and the dunkin donuts for an iced skim decaf coffee (super tasty, btw). i've showered and have a load of laundry in. i plan to do a tiny baby bit of tidying, watch at least 2 movies, and make something involving ground turkey for dinner.

oh, and the rerouting of the cable? not gonna happen today.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

because it's time for a list

not to be a huge cliché, but thank GOD tomorrow is friday. i'm just beat and over it.

let's see. some random tidbits from this week:

1. i got a pit turkey sandwich from the pennsylvania dutch market today. they clearly put crack in the meat, because that thing was SUPER tasty. no cheese (waste of points), little bit of bbq sauce, incredibly fresh roll (white flour, but worth it in this case). yum. also picked up a lancaster county tomato that i plan to eat at some point over the weekend as well as some sesame/flax crunchy snack chip things. not sure what they are, but again, delish.

2. speaking of food (again), chili's is a great option for people doing ww. they have some reasonable foods there points-wise. you can even get one of their mini desserts (that's served in a shot glass), which is a few points and just that right little bite of something sweet without being overwhelmed by a plate full of calories.

3. i've been loving the ipod at work this week. the project i'm working on requires me to speak to almost no one, so i pretty much plug in and tune out. heaven.

4. i desperately want a pedicure, but there are 2 problems: i have a rather large bruise on my foot from the shot i got a couple of weeks ago and frankly, if anyone tried to massage me, i'd probably involuntarily kick him or her in the face. i don't need a lawsuit right now. so much for cute toes.

5. i made a decision recently to start wearing eye makeup on a daily basis. i decided it's ridiculous to own eye makeup and not USE it. and one of my new year's resolutions for 2007 was to actually use the stuff i own. food in the fridge, candles that need burning, post-it notes, you name it.

6. i have a 50-dollar gift certificate. i'm salivating at the thought of what i could buy!

7. i'm planning on rerouting my cable this weekend (shh - don't tell comcast) to reclaim use of my second bedroom. for the last 2 years, it's pretty much served as a guest room/repository for random crap. i want to make it useful again. besides, with grad school starting in 2 weeks, i want a place to put all of my school stuff that ISN'T my bedroom.

8. i've been getting dizzy spells the last few days. i feel fairly certain this has a lot to do with the fact that my head is pretty stuffed up. this happened last year before i got my death shroud illness. i'm hoping it's not a harbinger.

9. i couldn't be loving 'top chef' anymore if i tried. and thank the lord that 'america's got talent' is over. the ventriloquist won. he really is quite good. cas haley - love ya, but how can you beat a singing turtle impersonating kermit the frog? okay, i feel embarrassed to admit that i watched that show. moving on....

10. i'm tired. this isn't news. i feel like i've been tired for 2 weeks straight. this is a good way to tell you i'm going to bed now....or at least going to lie in my bed and think about sleeping (which, who am i kidding, will lead to sleep before too long).

Monday, August 20, 2007


dear 60-year-old man pretending to be someone he's not,

i've been on to you from the beginning. fyi, if you're going to be a liar, get your stories straight from the get-go, because some of us are able to recall simple details (i.e. things said from day to day).

is it wrong that i find all of this hilarious? i didn't think so.

'warmest' regards,

Sunday, August 19, 2007

me so tired

i think i'm fighting something off. all day today i have felt truly exhausted. i mean, i did go to bed a bit late last night, but i slept in until 9 (which is highly unusual for me these days), and then i spent the majority of the day thinking about napping (or hovering just on the verge of it). finally, i succumbed later this afternoon, and to be honest, i feel like i'm not going to last much longer here.

looks like the laundry and cooking i was planning to do will have to wait for another day....

Thursday, August 16, 2007

alllllllrighty then

yeah. once again, i was apparently duped by my life. so much for thinking things are one way when they're clearly not.

on the upside, i had a delicious salad at california pizza kitchen tonight with salimah and caryl (who is trying out for american idol later this month - AWESOME!). it was a great time of hanging out and catching up. and then i came home, had some ice water, and watched the finale of 'so you think you can dance.' i know you're jealous of how my social life ROCKS. don't deny it. :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


i'm thirsty. super thirsty. can't do nothin but drink water kinda thirsty.

i've clearly consumed too much salt in the last couple of days, because i'm also retaining water. isn't that funny? so thirsty yet holding on to water like there's no tomorrow?

it seems that the body is in one constant state of rebellion or another.

Monday, August 13, 2007

because some days, all i have are the words that i love

in an effort to deal with myself today, i wrote my first poem in ages. i can't say it's good....don't know if it's bad.....don't really care, to be honest with you. sometimes it's simply the words that save me from myself.

the older i get, the more i find that writing is like bloodletting....and it's not just the chronicling of my daily goings-on, but it's the picking and choosing of words to get at the heart of the matter....the forming of images that plumb depths beyond depths.

the only other thing in my life that opens doors like this is music. a little more than a year ago, i joined a gym and was hardcore about going (this was before a long illness and subsequent injuries). i will never forget this one day - i was so completely agitated, it was all i could do not to just blow through the roof. i had already made a rap/hip-hop/r&b workout mix, and i knew that the only thing left for me was to tire myself out and leave the madness behind at the gym. so i got on that treadmill and started walking. i listened to every mary j. blige anthem, every song about being better off without someone, every rapper's angry tirade. and through the music and those artists' honesty, i was able to lay down everything i felt, all the crap that was clogging me up inside. their art freed me.

at the end of the day, i am interested in what unencumbers me. i am not interested in being tied down by unnecessary burdens - emotional or otherwise - so if something lifts me up and allows me to be open to possibility and to say farewell to the madness, then sign me up.

as for me in this moment, i'm not quite where i need to be just yet, but i'm going to distract myself with tilapia and roasted veggies and the hope that tomorrow may not be like today. but if it is, the words will be there....and i'll use them if i need to.

calgon? never used the stuff....

before i head off to work for the day - and to begin the week - allow me to say that i have 3 lines of an alison krauss song stuck in my head and, frankly, even something that beautiful will eventually start to gnaw at you. on top of it, i also feel unsettled and nauseated; i'm not sure if there's a physical component or if it's purely (mostly) mental. the mind-body connection truly is a wonder to behold.

last night i made a casserole, finished my laundry for the week, and, because i am a sap, watched 'extreme makeover: home edition.' if ever one needs a little cleansing boo-hoo, that's a great way to get it. the people and their stories never cease to tug on the heart strings - all the more when i'm already feeling kind of emotional and worn out.

went to bed early last night, slept relatively fitfully, and i predict i shall be sleepish by 1 p.m. today. we'll see how long i last before i start fantasizing about napping....i could sure use a little respite right about now.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

straight hair, crooked road

so many questions on my mind today: mostly i'm just wondering what's happening here. and by here i mean my life. things have seemed of late to be heading in a certain direction, but now i'm wondering if they still are. i hate that up-in-the-air feeling and wish i could do something about it. but i can't. just simply can't.


Saturday, August 11, 2007

because i'm quite sure you're dying to know....

i pilfered the questions for this little 'survey' from the cupcake tent.

how do you like your grilled cheese?
buttery, on whole grain bread, perfectly browned, with cheese that oozes and leaves a stringy mess when you pull it apart.

where was your last vacation?
chi-town, baby. at least that was my last time away. my last bona fide vacation was last summer to asheville, nc (sigh), but i was sick as a dog the entire trip.

who are your godparents?
i believe my uncle ed and aunt mary

how long has it been since you bought a new toothbrush?
i use a sonicare, which rocks the HOUSE, so i buy replacement heads once a year (2 per pack).

where are you at noon every day?
during the week, sitting in my cube thinking about lunch.

how many speeding tickets have you gotten?
well, to my great shame, i got my first one right after i bought bella last year (she's just too pretty to drive slowly). and then right after THAT, i got a red light camera ticket for going through one (just barely) in the rain because i didn't want to slam on my brakes and skid into the intersection. ridiculous.

do tarot cards tell the truth?
i find them bogus.

what was your favorite movie in junior high?
i had three: 'dirty dancing,' 'stealing home,' and 'shag' ('why can't we just tell your parents we didn't want to go to fort sumter and tour g-d colonial homes? we wanted to go to the beach and meet boys and go to wild parties and dance!')

what is the last thing you said out loud?
'byeee' as i hung up the phone with salimah

what do you think of the iPhone?
ridiculous waste of money

what is the weirdest thing in your bedroom?
i don't know that i have anything truly 'weird' in my bedroom, but if i did, it'd be nunyabizness!

where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
well, to be perfectly honest with you, i'm sitting in a towel. i have a bad habit of air-drying on saturday mornings.

do you use a plan book?
i've tried to use a planner, but honestly, no. my brain seems to work fine for now.

at what age do you plan on having kids?
the more i think about this, the more i wonder if i'll ever have them....

when was the last time you swam?
like, actually swam laps? it's been years. got into the water and bobbed around? hmm. a couple of years ago, in north carolina at a hotel with my ex-bf.

what do you order at subway?
well, if i must rely on subway (which i try not to), these days, i get something very virtuous: 6-inch turkey sub on whole wheat, no cheese, with honey mustard, onions, tomato, lettuce, olives, green peppers, and maybe banana peppers if i'm feeling saucy:).

do you keep your closets organized?
well, my bedroom closet is fairly organized right now. my linen closet is VERY organized right now. the coat closet in the front hallway is semi-organized (i hardly use it, truth be told), and the closet in my second bedroom is a nightmare. but let's not talk about that.

how do you make headaches go away?
advil, baby

have you owned a betta before?

if you moved out of state, what state would you move to?
illinois (chi-town) or massachusetts (boston)

how old is your best friend?

did you attend preschool?
heck yeah, and i LOVED it.

what do your shower curtains look like?
my bathroom has a door (stall shower), and my second bath has a red curtain with a paisley design on it and eiffel tower shower curtain rings.

did you have an imaginary friend as a child?
i tried to, because i thought it would be whimsical, but i just didn't feel like sustaining disbelief long enough. i'm far too grounded in reality for such things.

how do you make eggs?
i like them any which way, but some classic favorites are poached, fried (over medium), or scrambled with goat cheese and caramelized portabellas in a whole wheat tortilla

where do you wash your clothes?
in my laundry room inside my apartment

which parent do you look most like?
i think my dad, although there are moments that bits of my mother creep into my face

who are the neighbors who live to the right of you?
if you're facing my door, it's an older couple with some random kids, grandkids, and Lord only knows who else.

what are your thoughts on tom cruise?
loved him in 'jerry maguire.' it was his last good movie before going insane in the membrane.

what is the next vehicle you wish to buy?
this isn't even on my mind. i'm in a lease for 3 more years, so wait for it.

do you pay bills online or by mail?
everything is online except my rent.

what would be the best gift someone could get you right now?
a maid service and/or some cold hard CASH

what is something stressful you will deal with next week?
hopefully NOTHING!

what is something in your home that you collect?

how far north have you been?
maine or quebec

where did you last get gas?
hmm, i think at a citgo. not sure.

how do you take your coffee?
i don't drink coffee much, but if i DO, it's decaf with lots of milk or fat-free half&half and a bit of sugar.

what is the oldest thing in your fridge?
i've been purging recently, but there are condiments that are several years old. plus, there are some nuts from a couple of years ago. i should either toast them or toss them.

on your keyboard what key is wearing out from pressing it so much?
the ones that tend to go first are the s, the a, and the t, but at this point, nothing has worn off. there IS a patch on my space bar, however, that is showing some wear.

where do you put your keys when you come home?
on a table right next to my couch, just as you come into my living room OR on the butcher block in the kitchen

where do you go for thanksgiving?
these days, i tend to spend it with friends.

how old will you be in 2010?
on july 1 of that year, i will be 35.

what actor/actress would play you in a movie?
i don't know. somebody wicked smaaat.

how much cash is in your wallet?
i have a few coins. maybe 7 cents. maybe.

would you have a one-night stand with your favorite movie star?
i'm not really a one-night stand kind of girl. then again, i'm not getting any younger! ;)

what color is your house?
i don't have a house, but the outside of my apartment building is kind of beige.

if you were starving to death would you eat a pet?
well, i have no pets, so i can safely say no:).

ever been to alabama?

what kind of accent do you have?
i've picked up a little of nearly every place i've been/lived: a bit southern, a bit midwestern, a bit jersey, and a TINY bit maryland, hon.

what kind of alcoholic drink could you come up with in your fridge right now?
vanilla martini, pomegranate martini, baileys, and the makings for a truly delish margarita

mouse twitch

my right forearm has been twitching incessantly for the last 3 or 4 work, while i sleep, and at other random times. i'm convinced it's because i've been using my mouse a lot. a lot a lot. either that, or armies of blood cells are getting themselves pumped up for an all-out war. i prefer to think it's the former.

in other news, i slept for the majority of the evening yesterday. i basically came home from work, checked blogs for a bit, and then snuggled into bed for several hours, with occasional interruptions for phone calls, etc. otherwise, i was just sleeping. then, at around 10:30, i got up to chat for a bit and then went back to bed around 12:30 and slept until 7:30 this morning. clearly i was pooped.

in the last 3 hours, i have managed to do all my dishes (several days overdue, to my great dismay), replace my pur filter (i'm a pur girl, not brita), and watch the end of the movie 'singles' while eating leftover shrimp and broccoli from thursday night. good times, people. good times.

i'm in desperate need of groceries. i ran out of bread AND poultry sausage, so yesterday's breakfast at work was a half bowl of cereal dregs. pathetic. but to make up for it, i had delicious sushi at lunch yesterday, compliments of my friend shannon:).

today i do believe i'll chi my hair in preparation for going out to see a play tonight and hang with friends at starbucks afterwards. i've got laundry to do (we'll see about that) and need to do a little dusting and vacuuming. otherwise, it's all about how to get my arm to stop twitching. seriously, i can do without the spasm, thanks. no, really. thanks.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

'waiter, there is too much pepper in my paprikash...'

all i'm saying is thank God it's thursday....which means that if i can make it through tomorrow, there is a little respite in my future. it's not like this week has been rough or anything, but i'm just tired and i've got things to do that i'm not able to do when i'm at my job all day.

speaking of being at my job, during my lunch break today, i went over to the weg with a friend and we were eating in the cafe upstairs when the power went out in the entire store. TWICE. needless to say it was pretty freaky. when we left, it was POURING outside, so in an effort to be valiant, i informed my friend i would just run and get the car (well, pseudo run), which would have been fine, except that i got to what i thought was bella, and i'm trying the door and thinking what the heck is wrong with my door lock?! when it dawns on me that i'm attempting at this point to force entry into someone else's vehicle. nice. so i turn around and look at my friend, standing under cover and in no way soaked the way that i am at this point, and she points to the next row over where my car plainly sits. so i run over there and throw myself into the vehicle. people, it was raining so hard that my underwear got wet from water coming at me from every which way (including up my skirt, apparently). it was sheer craziness. at least i managed to dry off by the time i left the office at 5....

so after a quickie nap (sorry to say, it was inevitable), i ordered myself some shrimp and broccoli for dinner (very low on groceries). because i was SUPER hungry, i clearly ate too fast, and now i sit here typing about my day's adventures with a case of indigestion. good times.

i'll take one weekend, please. well done.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

crazy faith

i lit my love and watched it burn
asking nothing in return
except the lessons i will learn
by holding crazy faith

i've been touched by that bright fire
down to the root of my desire
while the smoke it rises higher
on crazy faith

you're not asking if i love this man
i know you don't, you don't believe you can
yet i've seen love open like a dancer's fan
it's crazy i know
but my faith says so, it tells me

am i a fool for hanging on?
would i be a fool to be long gone?
when is daylight going to dawn
on my crazy faith?

the questions will not let me sleep
answers buried way too deep
at the bottom of a lover's leap
made by crazy faith

you're not asking if i love this man
i know you don't, you don't believe you can
yet i've seen love open like a dancer's fan
it's crazy i know, but my faith says so
it tells me

love your losing, lose your love
let the hawk fly from the glove
then do not search the skies above
search your crazy faith

love is lightning, love is ice
it only strikes the lucky twice
once, so you will know the price
and once for crazy faith

you're not asking if i love this man
i know you don't, you don't believe you can
yet i've seen love open like a dancer's fan
it's crazy i know,
but my faith says so

-alison krauss

Sunday, August 05, 2007

fait accompli

okay, well, i've been a slug this weekend, BUT i completed my online pre-course for grad school, which means i can now start the real deal in september. it's weird to me that i'll be back in school. and funny how i still get that nervousness before taking a test, even if it's one on which i'm not even being graded.

i guess some things never change....
i don't quite know what to say this morning,

Saturday, August 04, 2007


this morning, as is so typical with me these days, i was up bright and early. frankly, i'm shocked i slept in as late as 7:06, but perhaps that's because i was up kinda late watching movies (including 'blood diamond,' which i thought was fantastic). at this point, i'm ravenous and feeling like there's so much i ought to be doing. i think what i will do, however, is shower up, make something nice for breakfast (maybe blueberry whole-grain pancakes), and get moving on my tasks for the day (including some online coursework i have to complete before school starts).

honestly, sleeping feels like such a waste of time to me some days. the older i get, the more i prefer the 'up and doing' philosophy my family has always espoused.

so, in the spirit of that philosophy, i better get my butt up off this chair and get to the doing!

Friday, August 03, 2007


i'm hanging in. i've felt very good about the fact that i've stayed ahead of all my household stuff this week, which means that the weekend's chores will be much less daunting. it's friday and i'm about to leave for work, but something in me wanted to touch base with my blog. after all these years, it kinda feels like hanging out with an old friend.

on tap for the weekend: finish an online orientation course for school, fill out financial aid award papers, clean my bathroom, buy more veggies, watch some movies....not sure what else.

okay, off to the grind!