Saturday, July 14, 2007

la marseillaise: if i built this fortress....

Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé.
Contre nous, de la tyrannie,
L'étandard sanglant est levé,
l'étandard sanglant est levé,
Entendez-vous, dans les compagnes.
Mugir ces féroces soldats
Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes.
Aux armes citoyens!
Formez vos bataillons,
Marchons, marchons!
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons.

today i am building my own fortress. today, for me, marks the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. unfortunately, i'm not quite sure what's beginning. what i do know is that the memory of bloodshed stays with a person perhaps indefinitely. i am not the same girl i was 18 months ago. i feel on some levels that i was stronger then. i had a clear resolve and fortified defenses, but i allowed those things to crumble around me in the hopes that someone else might take up my cause (two is better than one, after all). but it didn't happen, and what it left me with was desolation.

so i set about to slowly rebuild - and rebuild i have. and today it is from the top of my embattlement that i sing heartily along with the french. although if i'm being honest, inside these castle walls, there's a broken heart that has yet to mend.

today my goal is to be as focused as i can on the things i can do right now: eat well, have fun with my friends, and plan for my trip to chi-town this coming week. i will endeavor to keep my mind from the one thing that plagues my thoughts, infiltrates my dreams, and wakes me from every peaceful sleep. it is the ache of all aches.

first, shower. then eat. then lay another brick. and another. and another....

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