Thursday, May 17, 2007

lately

i'm about to run out the door because i'm going to work early this morning, but i've been marinating a few thoughts in my head for the last couple of weeks, and i think they're ready to come out now.

you know, the last few months of my own life have been marked by a certain level of disappointment. no, let me correct: the last year. i'm not sure precisely what's been going on in the grand scheme, but the day-to-day has felt largely like drudgery. i know i've hinted or outright stated this before, so forgive me that this isn't 'news,' but in light of the events of the last 6 weeks, this statement is even more true.

in addition, some of my friends - salimah especially - have experienced quite a bit of confusion, frustration, sadness, etc. over the events of their own lives this last year, and the tension seems to continually mount with little to no resolution. and at the end of the day, i keep coming back to the same thing in my mind: this is just another day in a long series of days that will be either good or bad or some mixture of both. in short, it IS what it is.

i'm starting to feel like there are times where there is a lesson to be learned and times where one just has to keep LIVING and not dwell too much on what's happening. i have always been the type of person to attach a decent (okay, huge) amount of significance to nearly everything in my life...a real purpose...and i'm just not sure that's always wise. life isn't a novel or a movie or a sitcom...or anything accurately resembling any of those things. in fact, that's why we're drawn to them, really - because they almost always work out a lot neater than real life ever does.

maybe it's been a form of self-comforting that i've used throughout my life to make it through some particularly difficult times. maybe it's true and i'm just becoming jilted. or maybe it's neither and i'm being overly analytical. that wouldn't surprise me, to tell you the truth.

i guess what has really meant the most for me in terms of application and getting on with my life, though, has been this new sense of 'going with the flow' that i never seemed to have in the past but which i've had to adopt this past year. my coworkers have noticed it in the way i approach my work. i'm less anxious. i'm less affected by things. and this is for the better, considering how i once was.

my new code of conduct for myself involves being utterly present in what's going on and yet in no way in NEED of any given scenario, because i find that as soon as i truly feel that need, things seem to dissolve before my eyes. i'm not giving up; i'm just refusing to give IN and let anything overwhelm me. and as a result, i'm able to enjoy things more for what they are and recover more quickly when they turn out to be something different than what was apparent at the beginning.

in short, maybe i'm growing up a little bit more. that's not such a bad thing, considering i'll be turning 32 in 6 weeks. i know i always come back to this point, but it really IS just one foot in front of the other, over and over. keep walking. keep seeing what there is to see. keep hoping that i make it to wherever i'm meant to wind up. i will. i must. that's the point, isn't it?

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