Sunday, April 08, 2007

some things i've learned maybe even this very day

love is brazen. it often shows up unannounced and, sometimes, at the most inopportune times. it leaves deep marks on your skin, on your heart, on your mind. it must weave itself into your DNA, because there's no other reason why, when it goes, its leaving is so particularly painful, so utterly undefinable, so seemingly impossible in every way.

sadness, i've realized, is often love's less than lovely twin (or at least sidekick) and possesses properties that are very much the same. in my own life, i have seen it dwell in places i didn't even know existed. and depending on your circumstances, it may very well hang out in all of the places love frequents. it feels indelible....and sure, it may fade, but i find that it never really goes away somehow. there are always traces of it. and you can be living your life, unaware of a shift in the emotional sands, so to speak, and there it is, ready to deliver a one-liner so brilliant and seductive that it slays you all over again.

the human heart - my heart - really IS so very, very fickle. so confused. so often misguided. so in need of reminding where it belongs (and where was that again?). i guess i say all of this to say that i've been going through some rough patches over the last few months. my times of respite have been due mainly to some little people that i don't even know but with whom i've been connecting in subtle ways.... the best thing in the world is to focus on someone OTHER than yourself. the rest of the time leaves you swimming about in your own situations. too often i find myself drowning in them.

it would be easy for some people, perhaps, to allow their emotions to be dictated solely by circumstance. i'm not really there anymore. it amazes me, actually, how some things in my life can be 'working out,' or at least moving in that direction, and how i can still feel utterly desolate...trapped under the thumb of a grief that is greater than myself. feeling like the only one who really DOES get it is God, and He feels entirely too far away from me. so it's easter and i'm alone, and sadness is luring me with its siren song, and i'm aware of feeling about a million things at once. and i wish it weren't true, but what i really feel i need right now is some cool sheets to surround me and maybe some advil to ease the pounding behind my eyes. i've gotten nothing figured out except that i'm teetering on the edge of something that feels good and something that feels bloody awful.

and maybe tomorrow i'll be able to stop the madness and know something real for once and maybe, just maybe, love will be brazen with me again. i've got a chance. i really have no other choice but to take it.

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