Saturday, April 14, 2007

but it's real

do you even know what goes on in a heart anymore?
constellations turned into little polaroids in a cardboard box
and i wanted so desperately to prove
you were still breathing but you wouldn't move.
okay, okay what a thing to choose
this one's gonna bruise.

i am willing to acknowledge that what i'm about to say may not have much to do with what most people know as faith, but i'm going to say it anyway.

i don't want to get on the wagon of pity and ride around town tonight, but i have to admit that i'm having a really hard time finding good in the circumstances of my life lately. and, if you want to know the truth, if i look at things all spread out in front of me, there have been many more times of sorrow than of joy...more rejections than acceptances...more people walking away than walking toward. i don't know if i can take it anymore.

is it faithless for me to say that i'm tired of my life being mostly about hurting and 'getting over' things? is it a horrible thing that i would really appreciate if something could go my way for once? maybe i'm being petulant, but you know what? i don't care. i really don't.

the main reason that i can't relate to a lot of people who identify themselves as christians is that they can't hear someone having real feelings, real doubts, real moments of human grumbling and crying out with 'why, God, why?!' for years, i wasn't comfortable with those things either. i mean, sure, in my heart i was feeling that way, but i was terrified to let it out because i didn't know what it would MEAN for me say say such things. heaven forbid i should fail to acknowledge God's plan for my life by spewing my doubt-filled laments all over the place.

well, you know what? God better be strong enough to take all of this, because if He's not, then we're all in a heap of trouble.

and so it's a saturday night, and i've done 3 loads of laundry and spent the day working on freelance stuff, and my heart is aching in ways i can't explain.

God, if you can still hear me after all this time, please find a way to bend your ear to my heart tonight. it's filled with a lot of has been for awhile. i don't know what to do with it. i seem to remember something about your goodness and mercy. i'm tired of being bruised. i'm tired of hurting and crying and waiting to be let down again. if that's how it's gonna be, then please let's change the plan. at this point, i need good answers. i need to know this all matters to you. these are my thoughts, my fears. the world will judge me by its standards. people will treat me like i'm less than they are because of the way i look. boys will reject me for any and every reason. i'll be overlooked and overlooked and overlooked. the cup will taste bitter nearly every day. and this feels real because it's what i live, but somehow i refuse to believe it. i refuse to believe that it won't change some day, even despite what i see all around me.

tell me if i'm being stupid. tell me if i should give up. tell me to stop trying, will you? maybe i can rest for awhile instead...instead of hoping and hurting and hoping some more. some days i don't want this burden to bear. this is one of them. i'm saying it. it's not pretty and it smacks of doubt and questions, but it's real. i hope that's good enough for you. it's all i've got.

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