Sunday, April 29, 2007

errands, chores, etc.

it's not quite 10 a.m. on sunday morning and already i've been up, had breakfast, and done a big shop at wegman's. (i haven't grocery shopped in awhile, and my supplies were either old or dwindling or both.) i have one more load down in the car of paper products (and maybe some bananas thrown in for good measure) and then i'm going to drop a bag of videos off at goodwill, take 2 bags of trash to the community dump, and come back home to clean, launder clothes, and do work. i intend to watch nothing on television or dvd until i feel i've gotten some things accomplished today.

wish me perseverance....

Friday, April 27, 2007

dine out for life

brief recap: this past weekend was a BLAST. amy and i went to annanpolis, had lots of fun meals and cocktails, and just basically HUNG OUT (which we never get to do, so it was LONG overdue). it was so nice to just be in the same room with her for several days at a time, talk about how we've changed sine college (it was our 10-year hopkins reunion this past weekend), how we haven't changed, how we WANT to change in the next 10 years, etc. it was a perfect long weekend....

not much else has been going on since, except that last night, i dined out for life with 3 of my coworkers/friends at the city cafe and then spent about 20 minutes wandering around mt. vernon looking for my friend's car (she couldn't remember where she parked it). it was a hilarious end to the evening.

i'm off to work now but before i go, a big shout out to a former ms. devika keral mono who is now DR. devika keral mono (not her real name). congrats, devika. you are a complete star and i'm thrilled that the world will now be able to experience your genius on a more professionally recognized level. rock on!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

checking in

i've been on a little vacation for the last couple of days. my dear friend amy is visiting from michigan, so we've been tooling around this fair city like it's going out of style. this morning, we're heading to annapolis for the day and we're contemplating an o's game later (but we'll just have to see about all that).

something i've realized: i really DO love the life of leisure. really. it's my favorite.

today i'm in search of a fun beverage and the smell of waterfront air. off to find them.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

what i've been up to since last i blogged

1. taxes: i paid our lovely govt about 1400 bucks. oy!
2. sleeping: it's my new favorite thing, apparently, since i can't seem to stay awake much past 10 these days (if that).
3. strawberries: i got some HUGE ones at whole foods this weekend. mad sale, yo.
4. placido domingo: yesterday was all about schmaltzig love songs by that operatic chanteur. man, he's got some pipes:).
5. avoiding phone calls: honestly, if you've called me recently and i haven't called you back, PLEASE don't be offended. i swear i don't hate you. i just don't have it in me to talk about my life right now with most people.
6. blockbusta: i watched about 6 movies this weekend. classic.
7. mat kearney: i heart him.
8. triple onion cream cheese: again, the wf.
9. errands: it's a good way to keep the stress down - just take a little tour around town picking things up.
10. nothing else, really. i just wanted a #10.

Monday, April 16, 2007

like a record, baby

i had wacked out dreams last night, and the wind was whipping so fast and furious, it made the roof sound like it was going to come apart. (who knows? maybe it has.) this morning my eyes itch like no one's business and i find myself having self-pep talks in the shower. hey, whatever holds it together, you know?

if you're trying to remain at the center of a spinning circle, it's best to focus on that center and not the outlying regions which, quite often, feel as though they're spinning beyond your control. my goal for today is to stay in that center...or at least as close to it as i can...and preferably without losing my lunch in the process.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

because it's the only way

okay, so i've had a revolutionary train of thought today: what would it cost me to believe that my life...that my life right now, specifically, is going to be okay? what if i extended my hope in God to work things out in a way that not only is for my 'ultimate good' but could make me happy RIGHT NOW? what if i make up my mind to be at peace with where i am, say what it is that i'm hoping for, and then believe in my heart that it could be possible?

is it crazy? maybe. do i choose it? you betcha.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

but it's real

do you even know what goes on in a heart anymore?
constellations turned into little polaroids in a cardboard box
and i wanted so desperately to prove
you were still breathing but you wouldn't move.
okay, okay what a thing to choose
this one's gonna bruise.

i am willing to acknowledge that what i'm about to say may not have much to do with what most people know as faith, but i'm going to say it anyway.

i don't want to get on the wagon of pity and ride around town tonight, but i have to admit that i'm having a really hard time finding good in the circumstances of my life lately. and, if you want to know the truth, if i look at things all spread out in front of me, there have been many more times of sorrow than of joy...more rejections than acceptances...more people walking away than walking toward. i don't know if i can take it anymore.

is it faithless for me to say that i'm tired of my life being mostly about hurting and 'getting over' things? is it a horrible thing that i would really appreciate if something could go my way for once? maybe i'm being petulant, but you know what? i don't care. i really don't.

the main reason that i can't relate to a lot of people who identify themselves as christians is that they can't hear someone having real feelings, real doubts, real moments of human grumbling and crying out with 'why, God, why?!' for years, i wasn't comfortable with those things either. i mean, sure, in my heart i was feeling that way, but i was terrified to let it out because i didn't know what it would MEAN for me say say such things. heaven forbid i should fail to acknowledge God's plan for my life by spewing my doubt-filled laments all over the place.

well, you know what? God better be strong enough to take all of this, because if He's not, then we're all in a heap of trouble.

and so it's a saturday night, and i've done 3 loads of laundry and spent the day working on freelance stuff, and my heart is aching in ways i can't explain.

God, if you can still hear me after all this time, please find a way to bend your ear to my heart tonight. it's filled with a lot of has been for awhile. i don't know what to do with it. i seem to remember something about your goodness and mercy. i'm tired of being bruised. i'm tired of hurting and crying and waiting to be let down again. if that's how it's gonna be, then please let's change the plan. at this point, i need good answers. i need to know this all matters to you. these are my thoughts, my fears. the world will judge me by its standards. people will treat me like i'm less than they are because of the way i look. boys will reject me for any and every reason. i'll be overlooked and overlooked and overlooked. the cup will taste bitter nearly every day. and this feels real because it's what i live, but somehow i refuse to believe it. i refuse to believe that it won't change some day, even despite what i see all around me.

tell me if i'm being stupid. tell me if i should give up. tell me to stop trying, will you? maybe i can rest for awhile instead...instead of hoping and hurting and hoping some more. some days i don't want this burden to bear. this is one of them. i'm saying it. it's not pretty and it smacks of doubt and questions, but it's real. i hope that's good enough for you. it's all i've got.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

while this will in no way suffice

there are so many things i don't understand right now, i can't even begin to write about them. if you're a praying person, please lift some up for me right now.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

some things i've learned maybe even this very day

love is brazen. it often shows up unannounced and, sometimes, at the most inopportune times. it leaves deep marks on your skin, on your heart, on your mind. it must weave itself into your DNA, because there's no other reason why, when it goes, its leaving is so particularly painful, so utterly undefinable, so seemingly impossible in every way.

sadness, i've realized, is often love's less than lovely twin (or at least sidekick) and possesses properties that are very much the same. in my own life, i have seen it dwell in places i didn't even know existed. and depending on your circumstances, it may very well hang out in all of the places love frequents. it feels indelible....and sure, it may fade, but i find that it never really goes away somehow. there are always traces of it. and you can be living your life, unaware of a shift in the emotional sands, so to speak, and there it is, ready to deliver a one-liner so brilliant and seductive that it slays you all over again.

the human heart - my heart - really IS so very, very fickle. so confused. so often misguided. so in need of reminding where it belongs (and where was that again?). i guess i say all of this to say that i've been going through some rough patches over the last few months. my times of respite have been due mainly to some little people that i don't even know but with whom i've been connecting in subtle ways.... the best thing in the world is to focus on someone OTHER than yourself. the rest of the time leaves you swimming about in your own situations. too often i find myself drowning in them.

it would be easy for some people, perhaps, to allow their emotions to be dictated solely by circumstance. i'm not really there anymore. it amazes me, actually, how some things in my life can be 'working out,' or at least moving in that direction, and how i can still feel utterly desolate...trapped under the thumb of a grief that is greater than myself. feeling like the only one who really DOES get it is God, and He feels entirely too far away from me. so it's easter and i'm alone, and sadness is luring me with its siren song, and i'm aware of feeling about a million things at once. and i wish it weren't true, but what i really feel i need right now is some cool sheets to surround me and maybe some advil to ease the pounding behind my eyes. i've gotten nothing figured out except that i'm teetering on the edge of something that feels good and something that feels bloody awful.

and maybe tomorrow i'll be able to stop the madness and know something real for once and maybe, just maybe, love will be brazen with me again. i've got a chance. i really have no other choice but to take it.

Friday, April 06, 2007

can i just tell you...

...that being pursued by a man (as opposed to doing the lion's share of the legwork, for one reason or another) is really the ONLY way to go?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

if april showers bring may flowers, what does april sunshine bring?

i've nearly started this blog entry about four times now, but for whatever reason, only this time did i actually start typing.

where to start?

well, first of all, i had a most fantastic weekend. it started out rocky on friday because i wasn't feeling so well, but things pulled themselves together eventually. not only did salimah and i have a wonderful dinner with the lindners (including gifts of homemade pottery, time with two doggies, and getting to meet their daughters, both of whom are lovely people), but i'm realizing that there might just be a little something for me out there after all....

in other news, i'm stressed out about all the stuff i have to do (both at home and at work), and today i performed some feats of stress eating involving chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs and pringles. i'm a professional. please don't try this at home....

april may be looking up in some ways after fools this time around, i hope;).