Sunday, September 24, 2006

writing to reach you

i'm not sure who it is that i want to read this. and frankly, at this moment, i don't really care who does.

i just deleted some electronic letters i've been saving for more than 4 years. they were things i'd written to 'somebody, someday,' but just now, i couldn't bear the thought of keeping them another day. i don't want to hold on.

or do i?

i've been asking myself some hard questions lately about who i am and what i want these days, and i've come up with precious few answers that make any real sense to me. and honestly, i don't know what's worth saving and what should be disposed of. i don't feel particularly savvy anymore in the realm of keepsakes, or hopes, or dreams, or 'someday.'

i do know, however, that i don't want to write any more letters that i will keep and subsequently stumble over some 5 years from now....letters that will serve to make me realize only how little has actually changed. some things need to go away forever, because nothing associated with them will ever hope to be anything more than a reminder of something i need to forget.

look, maybe i'm being all melodramatic here, and you know what? that's okay. i'm cutting myself some slack, because it hasn't been the easiest year for me. no, scratch that, 5 years for me. no, scratch that, 31 years for me. and sometimes i'm confused and i just want to throw it all away and start over again. but i can't. the truth is that i can't. so instead, i'm being honest and i'm putting myself out there, and maybe you won't understand me anyway. and that's okay. because i'm okay.

and it doesn't really matter to me if you're reading this, remember?

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