Friday, September 01, 2006

one year

it was a thursday night and we were in the middle of an all-too-frequently-happening-lately argument. you looked at me without any emotion and told me that you didn't care enough to work on the relationship anymore. to be honest, i thought you had lost your mind. i mean, really. i had heard of this happening: a friend's boyfriend once had a psychotic split, completely shut down from her, left home, and wound up 30 miles away wandering around an access road at the airport. i wondered if the look on your face was indicating that something inside of you had turned like that.

the next 24 hours were a complete haze. in fact, whole days disappeared from me; i didn't sleep. couldn't eat. i didn't know what to think or how to feel or what to say to anyone - about anything. i was confused and sad and a million other things. i wrote cryptic blog posts about my heart being broken. i felt broken. i was broken.

but then in the midst of that breaking - mostly in the shower, where all truly important things have occurred to me - God revealed something to me: i was all right. i was good. i had already come so much farther than even i knew. and furthermore, He wanted more for me than what our relationship had become in my life. heck, if i was being honest with myself, i wanted more, too.

and with each week that passed, more of me got put back together but now the pieces fit together differently, and the emerging product was me, but a new version....better....more true to form.

some days i regret you; other days i don't know how to feel. this is one of those days. mixed emotions are what define my looking back. but overall, i'm not sorry. not in the least. i had to be where we were to get to where i am now. and, for as much as i loved you - which was a lot - i feared it would always be me walking two or three or more steps ahead of you...always being the one to save you...always being the one to prop you up when you 'couldn't handle' things. now, i just feel relief that i'll never have to know for sure.

so, maybe someday i'll thank you for leaving, for giving me a chance at actually being loved in a way that means forever, for giving someone else the opportunity to appreciate the things about me that you never seemed to see, for helping me to know what i don't deserve - but more importantly what i do. maybe i'll sit down and write you a letter and say all of this to you.

then again, maybe i just did.

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