Thursday, September 14, 2006

it's finally starting to just barely feel like fall around these parts, although i sense summer's hesitation to loosen its grip on the world. no matter. it will be overtaken any day now - i just know it.

i'm sincerely glad this week is almost over. not sure why, specifically. i just really love a weekend. it's one of my all-time favorite things. plus, i have to bake a cake for a double baby shower (a friend of mine commissioned me), and the baking and decorating of said cake has to take place sometime before saturday late morning. i have lots to do in the next 24 hours. i'd like to get on with it.

right now, i really should be doing some laundry, cooking dinner, and washing leftover dishes from the other night, but can i be honest? i don't feel like lifting a finger. i'm just tired. the sickness that took over my life just over three months ago has yet to fully disengage, and while i'm in no way coughing up my lungs anymore, i'm worn out, still a little congested, and generally blotchy and feel that i'm not putting my best face forward quite yet.

and, i guess, then, that i really shouldn't be surprised that i feel a general lack of peace in my life right now. i was having a rather frank discussion with God about this on my way home from work, and i heard myself pouring out all kinds of fears and questions and doubts and statements about what i know is true and what i know isn't. at first, i had this instinct to censor myself, but then i realized that what i actually needed was to NOT censor myself - to get it all out, let it be whatever it will be. besides, none of this is news to God, and to me, it's just clogging me up.

and then it began to occur to me that maybe the reason the sickness hasn't fully let go of me is because i haven't fully let go of it....such a parallel to some other things in my life that i'm having a bit of a hard time laying down and walking away from.

ugh.

well, as with everything else, it has to come bit by bit. i want to let it go, though. let it ALL go....the summer, the doubts, the wrong turns, the phantom illness. let autumn come so i can wrap myself in something new...something warm and comforting...a different season, more questions, better answers....

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