Monday, September 11, 2006

in memoriam

for the past 3 years, i haven't written 9/11-related posts, mostly because i felt my thoughts had reached the point of being trite, and who really needs one more cheesy sentiment about such a tragic event?

well, you'll pardon any cheese, i'm sure. today i have some thoughts....

this day (and, more importantly, that day) has been heavily on my mind for the better part of two months, and there has been a growing pit in my stomach for weeks now at the knowledge that today would come and all the old feelings and fears would creep back in for me and so many other people. i'm not kidding when i say that i think i have a bit of ptsd (posttraumatic stress disorder) from september 11, 2001. every time i spend more than about 10 seconds thinking about it, my eyes well up and i'm right back there in the midst of the fear and confusion i felt that tuesday 5 years ago.

it's true: i didn't lose anyone i love on that day. i didn't witness first-hand anything blowing up...didn't run from a burning building or save anyone's life or lose a job or a home or anything. but something inside of me broke apart that day, and it's never really been mended.

when i turned toward DC and looked out my office window that morning...and saw the smoke billowing into the blue sky from the pentagon, such a fear rose up within my heart...such terror and sadness intermingled. and from that point on, and for days afterward, i couldn't stop crying...and then again and again every time the news showed the planes crashing into the buildings...every time a low-flying aircraft zoomed overhead...every time i thought about those thousands of people and how much more terror they experienced than me. i cry still when i think about it. i'm crying even now.

today i sat at work, zombified, reeling inside from all that happened that day. i still can't shake the feelings, the memories. and i simply cannot get over the fact that so many people lost their lives and left behind so many to mourn and relive the tragedy of their deaths on a daily basis.

a part of me is glad that i feel so deeply what happened on september 11, because i'd hate to think that my heart would ever be hardened to what happened that day. and i'm humbled that everyone i adore is present and accounted for...that i don't have to sort through mountains of grief and anger to try and make sense of my daily life. my hope is that we as a nation will never allow the severity of that day to fall away from us. may we never be glib. may we never treat the murder of nearly 3,000 people as just another day to go to starbucks and get a frappuccino.

tomorrow it won't be 9/11 anymore, and for that, i'm really quite thankful. but while it is today, let it be said that as a citizen of this country...as a human being...i remember all of you...i saw what happened. i won't forget. and if i have to be a little sad every day for the rest of my life, it's a small price to pay. at least i'm still here to stand up and be counted with those who will not let this day go unnoticed. and with my tears, i honor all of you.

1 comment:

Salimah said...

Sarah,

I think this post is so meaningful. Thank you for posting it.