and as i drove myself back home
a little voice said "just be alone"
but sometimes i think
i see you in a crowd
it's not picture perfect
you're just meant for me somehow
and i'll miss you till i meet you
oh i'll miss you till i meet you
i miss you all the time....
if you had asked me a few months ago if i'd be in any way ready to stand on the edge of the unknown once again and allow my foot to cross that line into possibility, i would have thought you were nuts. after a particularly difficult fall, i'd given my own heart at least a year to find all the pieces of itself that seemed to be on the floor. but a strange thing happened. others came alongside me and picked pieces up with me. we gathered them all together and i spent some time and tears and anger and confusion lining up the jagged edges and matching sides. and somewhere just as spring began to arrive, i realized that i had, too.
so then i spent some months praying and thanking God for how far He'd brought me, never thinking for a moment that i would be doing anything but staying right here for several more moons. i'll just be alone for awhile, i thought, because it made sense to me to grow comfortable in my solitary - although filled with friends - life and just be me without anyone else. and not only did it make sense, but it was what i wanted at the time. i felt glad to be unentangled, able to focus on just God and my friends and my own tired heart.
and it was during that time that i decided to change my life once and for all. not because of anyone or in spite of anyone or with the hope of anyone. but because of ME and in spite of ME and with the hope of the ME i've always wanted to become. and in the months (just about 2) that i've been on this path, i've lost some weight (almost 30 pounds, actually), lost some more baggage, and gained so much more than i could imagine.
what began to characterize my life was such brazen hope, i had never seen the likes of this in my own heart. i found myself praying on the way to work: God, i believe with all that i am that what you have for me is BEAUTIFUL. and i'm excited to receive it and participate in it and bless You and others with it. but i also don't want it until You are ready. i see now that i never did really trust You. i see that i was willing to settle for less than what i needed. i see now that my lack of faith nearly cost me everything. thank You for saving me from myself once again....
finding myself in this place where i was at rest...at peace...and needing nothing but the air in my lungs and the hope in my heart altered my world in such a profound way, there really aren't words to fully explain it. but one thing i knew for certain: i was never going back. and no person, no fear, no circumstance was ever going to hold me captive again - nor derail me - from experiencing the life that God has planned for me.
and then, in a quiet sort of way, the possibility of a relationship presented itself in front of me. and yes, it's still very tenuous in some ways and very new and very 'we'll just wait and see what happens,' but it's about more than that for me. my heart is open to possibility...to something real and abiding and unexpected and lovely. and i'm not afraid of it. i'm just allowing my heart to be moved by the hand of God...which is all i've ever really wanted anyway. besides, whatever happens, i know who i am. nobody can take truth from you once it's made its home in your heart.
but in the mean time.....and this is to you....i already feel so at home with you. i love praying with you and hearing about your day and the way you make me laugh and the sound of your voice saying my name. thank you for your encouragement and friendship and for teasing me and being silly and for speaking truth when i'm anxious and for getting yourself to my door in two more days.....i'll miss you till then:).
i guess once your foot has crossed that line, there's no turning back (not that i would want to). at least if you're like me, a chance for love is worth a few risks, even despite past hurts and difficulties. so, i'm going to walk this path God has prepared and see where it leads....and wherever i wind up, i'll be okay - more than okay, really - because my heart is whole, my footing secure, my goals clearly in sight, and my future well in hand....