Wednesday, May 10, 2006

ache

today i only stayed at work for an hour and a half because my head felt as though it were stuck in a vice. i actually felt nauseated by the discomfort, which is unusual for me. it's always been astonishing to me how physical pain can so profoundly change a landscape and hold a person captive....

and in my hopes for release from the tension, i can't help but be reminded of another ache in me. unfulfilled longings, the cries of one's heart, can feel like a kind of captivity that begs for some type of resolving plot twist -- the veritable denouement of life's ongoing saga. and in moments of desperation, it's easy to go seek out the most convenient or obvious (regardless of how temporary) solution, but to wait for the true outcome is really the only option. this lesson, i have found, is hard to learn.

so, i have been thinking a lot about these longings, the things i've always wanted, the type of situation in which my heart can finally say thank God, i'm home. i'm almost afraid to imagine it, because such comfort flies in the face of my previously anxious and frightened ways. but i'm a little stronger now (a lot, really), and regardless of how long it takes to get to that place and how much i need to learn in order to get there, i'm ready for whatever God has planned. sure, there are some mountains still to cross, but i finally feel equipped to cross them. and in the mean time, that ache inside points me toward the sweetness of what will be.

that ache, i've realized, is hope.

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