Sunday, March 05, 2006

more hope

it's so utterly quiet in my apartment right now. all i hear is the gentle hum of my cpu and the clock tick-ticking away in the bathroom (it IS a bit cave-like in there, so the echo is great). my mind has been wandering all over the map this evening. i just got home about 40 minutes ago from salimah's; i had gone to take her home and decided to help her with a bit more packing before this week got underway.

last night, we went to church, then out for cheeseburgers, and then home to try and watch 'elizabethtown' without success -- we were both entirely too beat for a movie. so, this morning, we woke up around 7:30 and finished watching it. now, while i enjoyed the majority of the film, i absolutely LOVED the last 15 minutes or so. it inspired me. i won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen the flick yet, but suffice it to say that i connected completely with this particular car trip the main male character took. and to accompany him on his voyage, the main female character had prepared a book for him. salimah later remarked to me that she felt it was something i would have done....so characteristically 'me.' and i realized - she's right.

but then, along with that came another realization. that's a 'me' that's been packed away for a long time. a 'me' i thought might have gone on permanent hiatus.

and then, later, when salimah asked me if i still think of myself as a singer (this was truly a non-sequitur), i honestly had to think for awhile. because, see, in the 5 years that i was involved with/dated a professional musician, he never seemed to be really that interested in me as a fellow musician. i mean, i know he knew i could sing, but that (along with my love of music) didn't seem to be something about me that was special to him. which, i guess, made it not that special to me anymore either....and so many other things about me that are worth exploring, he never even tried to dig deeper to find. for a long time, i didn't understand my own value, so this was okay with me. i figured anything he'd find he wouldn't like anyway. so i was all too compliant to have him know about me only what he saw and was told.

wow, no wonder this 'me' has been in hiding. no one has really welcomed her for a long time -- me included. well, lately she's been knocking at my heart...urging me to remember....relentlessly proclaiming what she wants and is and feels. if i listen, she'll help me unlock some doors. point me back to the sweetness i've known in a relationship with God that's been too stale for too long. teach me how i've grown and can make better choices now. connect me with the girl who liked the wind in her hair, who sang loud, who prayed hard, who loved and felt passionately. God, what a gift. i'm starting to recall the things i've forgotten, but in the remembering, there is more joy than there was the first time through. more tears. more uncertainty. more hope.

because maybe no man on this earth will come looking for me in that way. and sitting here alone tonight, i have to welcome that as a possibility. but one thing i know is this: if that never happens, my heart has been opened by the One who's known me all along - all my quirks and fears and deep-down wishes and the silly things i sing and say when no one's around. and i know now how much i mean to Him. i feel His pleasure when i do the things He created me to do. i treasure His presence in my room this very moment. like i said, there's more 'uncertainty' now in my life as a woman who's started things over from the beginning. it's scary to do this again. but man, it feels much better this time around to know that i'm okay. and that i'm going to be. see? more hope. more hope.

more hope.

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