Sunday, December 31, 2006

2006

on this last day of the year, it's hard for me to resist summing up what has occurred over the last 365 days. here are a few bullet points, just for kicks.
  • i was incredibly sick for an entire fiscal quarter (more, actually....more like a third of the year).
  • i joined a gym, worked out like a fiend for awhile, and then couldn't go for long stretches of time due to illness.
  • i celebrated with salimah as she completed her master's program and mourned with her as she lost her dad and both his parents.
  • i got to escape to the mountains for a week, which completely and utterly reminded me how much i love them and wish i could be near them on a daily basis.
  • i got rid of henry david and acquired my beautiful bella.
  • i was able to let go of anger from a dissolved long-term relationship, forgive, and move on with my life.
  • i met some new boys, some of whom i still know and rather enjoy, and got my heart good and broken by one in particular.
  • i took on a second job.
  • i came to the realization that, although i still have a lot of growing to do, i'm emotionally healthy and, therefore, attracted to others who are the same.
  • i became a "conoisseur of good rap" (according to salimah).
  • i reconnected with a couple of old friends and made some dear, dear new ones whom i hope to keep for life.
  • i stopped being quite the worry wart i once was.
  • i perfected my cornish game hens recipe.
  • i upgraded my kitchenaid mixer, my mattress, and the artwork on my walls.
  • i complete nablopomo!
  • i fell in love with books on CD (and my beloved gogol), clif bars before a workout, poultry breakfast sausage (love that protein in the morning!), sudoku, BLING, hair elastics, satellite radio, skim decaf peppermint mochas, 2-point softserve snacks, brooks running shoes and crocs, and buying presents for children i'll never know.

onto the next adventure. whatcha got for me, '07?

Friday, December 29, 2006

irreplaceable

you know, growing up, i was always a girl that would pick a sappy love song over one of those 'screw you, i'm leaving' kind of anthems. in fact, i never really understood why some women didn't just give love a chance...why they had to be so angry...why they wanted to tell the whole world that the next guy had better check himself before stepping up to the plate.

beyoncé, who is in a committed relationship (currently anyway) with jay-z has this to say in her latest pop hit:

so since i'm not your everything
how about i'll be nothing?
nothing at all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
i won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy


you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me
i can have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me
i can have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable

at the age of 20, i never could have imagined something similar to those words coming out of my mouth. in fact, even up until a couple of years ago, i wanted to give other people the benefit of the doubt....to not give up so easily when others seemed to hesitate....to wait while things got figured out.

okay, well, i'm over it.

i mean, i haven't turned into an angry woman who blasts en vogue songs from her car stereo (a little 'never gonna get it' anyone?), but i seriously do NOT have time to be waiting around for someone who can't make up his mind...who isn't sure how he feels...who doesn't know if he can 'handle' this or that or whatever. i have seen this happen to myself and my friends time and time again. and i'm putting my foot down.

it has meant that my interactions with people are very much 'what they are' with very little 'what they could be.' i hold things with a much more open hand. i can, in most cases, 'take it or leave it.' and it's not that i don't care - far from it. i'm just not interested in investing my heart into relationships that have no chance of going anywhere. because the truth is - if you don't want to love and care about me, someone else will. and so maybe you're unique and all of that, but you're not really the only one who can fill the position.

so, i've started realizing that these women have been saying something all along that i actually needed to hear. don't take less than 100%. and anyone who's touting crappy wares? let him keep touting - elsewhere. i don't have the 'money' to invest in such things.

you can know one thing for sure with me: if you invest in me, you will get a return on your investment. i don't do anything half-hearted. if i love you, you won't ever have to question it. but i'm going to be more selective from here on out when choosing the recipients of that love.

so go ahead and get grown, men of the world. stop wasting your time while good women are moving on with their lives without you. i suggest you figure yourselves out and go prove just how irreplaceable you really are....

Thursday, December 28, 2006

last night i got kind of rejected by some 20-something male singers.

justin timberlake, as it turned out, lived in salimah's building, and while he wasn't disinterested in hanging out with me, he also wasn't super interested either. well, actually, he was at first, but then he backpedaled. oh, and JOSH GROBAN, for crying out loud, also tried to downgrade plans that we had and suggested that instead of something truly interesting that we go to see some cameron diaz movie. whatever. i didn't have time for any of it.

instead, i comforted myself with the thought that i had been asked to be on jc chasez 's (a former 'nsyncer with justin) softball team. even though it was a DC team, some other celeb (a woman, but i cannot remember who) asked me to come down from baltimore to play. i had to consider it for a moment, realizing that i'd be a traitor to my city, but when i realized it was jc's team, it was kind of a no-brainer.

to be honest, i don't even like josh groban that much anyway....

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

home

i spent the weekend in richmond for christmas....had a nice, relaxing time with my parents and friends, ate some great food, and slept in a bit. it feels good to be back in maryland, though. who are we kidding? my own bed is more comfy and i'm used to the noises in my house....

perhaps i'll post more in detail later (if/when i feel slowed down enough to think), but in general, this christmas perked up a bit, even despite my general feelings of ennui beforehand.

and just think - in another few days, this year will be a memory. now THAT is some good news....

Sunday, December 24, 2006

my girl wants to party all the time
(or why i love satellite radio)

i'm in virginnie now, visiting my folks for the long christmas weekend. the trip down was interminably long, but i have to say - i managed to keep my spirits up due to a decision to enjoy the sunshine and warm temps and, of course, my sirius radio. i was rocking out to some tunes of the 80s and 90s all the way down. so fun was the music, in fact, that despite the 2 hours i spent going 40 miles, i was relatively unfazed. that's some good radio, people.

today i visited with a dear friend and her kids. tomorrow, i hang out with two more dear friends (one of whom has my beautiful friend lucy), and then christmas day (or the morning after, before departing), i'll see yet ANOTHER treasured long-time comrade. seriously, that's the only way to spend a holiday....lots of people you love in your immediate vicinity.

actually, now that i looked at the clock, i realize that it's already tomorrow, so i'm off to bed. this promises to be a busy day; i'm making my parents my now-famous game hens for our christmas eve repast, and somewhere amidst the making of merry with friends, i hope to schedule a power nap.

sleep tight, world. morning comes all too quickly.

Friday, December 22, 2006

there are millions of words but no way to say what i'm feeling.

hundreds of birds are flying up into the gray-blue sky outside my window.
i was haunted by the walking dead in my dreams last night.
it's raining in baltimore and yet nothing else is really the same.
everything costs something.
make a list. check it twice. really.
ecclesiastes said it best.
i feel like i've lost something huge.
dead rappers make a lot of sense to me.
if i stop singing, i might disappear.
i wonder if i already have.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

the devil wears prada

last night i finally got to see this much-anticipated (by me) movie, and i have to say - meryl streep is SO fantastic. i mean, i've always known she was a great actress, but she just embodied this role. i guess it doesn't hurt that the script was good, too. i imagine it's hard to act well when your lines are truly crap.

in other high fashion news, i got my hair chopped off, and there are moments that, if you look at it from the right angle, i could seriously be a flapper. now all i need is a fringed outfit and a little headpiece....

and on a more personal note, in these last couple of days before i go back to richmond again, i'm scrambling to get everything wrapped and to find a measure of calm in the midst of it all. there's a part of me that hasn't unwound fully. i'm hoping i can before it's time to get back into the grind, but i'll also say that it's difficult to enter the holidays with so much uncertain and so many loose ends dangling. then again, perhaps nothing is dangling; perhaps i've just failed to come to some terms. whatever the case, i'm unsettled and that's no way to start a new year.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

i know i've been remiss lately. salimah was commenting to me the other day that now it's odd to her to NOT see me posting every day, when before nablopomo, that was kind of the way things were.

honestly, i'm on vacation in a lot of ways right now. i've wasted no time in slowing way the heck down and putting everything on the back burner for a few days. to celebrate my first (almost) full day off yesterday (i'd been doing a bit of freelance for my regular job, and i didn't finish it until yesterday morning), i did absolutely nothing - other than bake off a batch of cookies that were in the freezer, make some dumplings and snow peas for lunch, and watch the patsy cline story 'sweet dreams' for the umpteenth time.

this morning, i'm off to the dentist, then another appointment this afternoon to get my hair cut, and other than a few mild get-togethers with friends before i leave to go back home for the holiday, my time is basically my own. i can't remember when i last said that....

on my mind's docket these days: ways to impact needy children's lives; my need to get back to the gym; a persistent and continuing ache for a stage in my life not yet coming to fruition; the huge stack of magazines i need to process and remove from my life; my speeding ticket (more on this later).

for now, i'm off to have my teeth cleaned.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

a season of giving

this weekend, i went to virginia with salimah to visit my parents and to celebrate salimah's completion of her master's thesis. it was a fun, relatively relaxing trip (other than the fact that i got my first speeding ticket ever on the way down - a SERIOUS bummer). we even got some christmas shopping done while there.

i'll admit, though - i've been feeling a bit bah humbug-ish about this season. everything has just felt so utterly pointless to me lately, it's been hard to take any pleasure in preparing for the holiday.

but then, on saturday afternoon, after running a few errands, we were on our way back to my parents' house when salimah suggested we stop in at the dollar general near their house (we are suckers for discount stores). while in there, i kept walking past some toys and thinking about the little girl for whom my mom had bought a bunch of clothes for christmas. (she's a ward of the state, in foster care, and on her christmas wishlist had asked for clothes....you know it's bad when a child doesn't even request toys.) i kept thinking over and over about the gifts i had bought for other people, and in that moment, the only thing that made any sense to me...that meant anything...was the thought of this child - whom i will never meet - getting to open not only a bunch of really beautiful outfits but some totally fun toys that are ALL HERS. i told salimah my idea, and we were suddenly alive with a fervor i haven't felt in awhile. we scoured the aisles and decided upon a little trio of dolls (multiethnic, no less), all of whom have raincoats, umbrellas, and dogs in rain gear as well. we also got her a mermaid barbie and a little activity/drawing board with markers and crayons and some socks (my mom had been unable to find them when clothes shopping the night before). at the end of it all, i wound up wrapping probably 10 or 15 packages for her to open. i love that. it made me want to do more.

i've reached a point in my life where i don't often feel like i'm making anyone else's existence much better....more than on a personal/relational level anyway....and i'm really tired of that. frankly, the thought of making a child feel loved means so much more to me than doing something for myself or for other people who may or may not like me back. i know this is a strange thing to say, but i'd just really rather be completely selfless (which sounds like a reasonable goal, but i admit that it's not one i often think much about) than anything else right now. i wish i had more to give. i'd like to find the means so that i can start doing just that.

and honestly, if you're reading this out there, please consider buying a toy or some food or some warm clothes for a child who needs it this christmas season. you could change somebody's life. maybe even your own.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

up to here

i'm starting to get good and mad in a way that always makes me take action. honestly, this is the best possible place i could be in. anger can be super productive.

also, just fyi, boys thrill and frighten me all at once.
i've been here before, and i deserve a little more....

as usual, i've been pondering what exactly i'm doing with myself these days. for the last few years, i've been particularly focused on the fact that i needed "time" to deal with myself....time to pull aside and settle my heart. and it seemed that time was nearly indefinite. i knew it was where i was, and i knew that when i wasn't there anymore, i would know. i think i'm over it. i mean, i feel like i am. i definitely want to be. i think i can only feel that way because i actually am....

basically, i'm aware of my existing shortcomings, and despite them, i'm ready to forge ahead into the great (or at least mostly) unknown. i have decided that, for me, 2007 will be the year of proclaiming what is in my heart and watching things bloom. i have already started saying out loud some things that i feel ready to receive. may they come back around and find their way to my door. i'm leaving it unlocked....cracked open a bit, even....

Sunday, December 10, 2006

i lie awake....i drive myself crazy....

i feel very on edge right now. there are a few reasons, none of which i'm going to delineate in this space. but i just sense that it's going to take a small miracle for me to fall asleep at a decent hour tonight.

one question: why isn't the phone ringing?
sushi, love, and acid-free paper

yesterday, devika came up from our nation's capital to hang out with salimah and me (originally, it would have been also for salimah's thesis reading, but since that went out the window last week, it was just girl time - our preference anyway), and we went to sushi hana for the most delish lunch (devika, thank you SOOO much for the treat!).

after stuffing ourselves silly and then stopping by starbucks for a quickie beverage, we dropped devika off at the train station and headed back up to my neck of the woods. i gave bella a bath at the exxon (which involved some hijinx with these slight miscreants who were trying to get me to pay them to wipe my car off with some rags...um...right), went to the bank, and then we came back home for awhile to hang out before making the decision around 9:30 or 10 to head over to kinko's. i had high hopes that the whole process would be easy-peasy, but we were brutally rebuffed by the dude behind the counter (mental note: i will not be patronizing that particular establishment ever again), and we wound up trekking over to white marsh to complete the deal.

oh, and i should mention that, while there, these two random nightcrawlers had come in to use the internet. it was just the weirdest thing at 11:30 on a saturday night to be sitting in a copy store under artificial lighting, feeling like these men were up to something no good, and in the midst of this, my fake bling earring kept falling out.

the bottom line, though, is that we got everything salimah needed, and after a late-night snack of some greasy food, we headed back home to collapse into our beds.

intermingled with our adventures, though, was some seriously good conversation with salimah about our views on love and men and expectations and how those things have changed over the last couple of years. i have realized something about myself: i haven't lowered my standards...on the contrary, in fact...but i HAVE loosened my grip on some of the unrealistic expectations i once had about the state of a man's heart and what that really means at the end of the day. we also talked about struggling against the judgmentality we see in so many churched folks we've known (and loved) - of their own standards of what is 'right' for someone else and their inability to see outside the box of conventional 'wisdom' on various matters of relationships and other things. i found pain inside myself during this conversation - realizing that i have been wounded deeply by past exchanges with people who once professed to be my friends....but i have learned to take it all in stride and know that God is the only one who will deal with me and each of those individuals in a way that will have real meaning in the end.

so, it's sunday all over again, and tomorrow is the last monday i'll have to be at work before it is 2007. to say that thrills me is a serious understatement. there is much to do before the holidays, but i'm hanging back a bit this year, even from my usual festivities. i'm reevaluating, even if just for this time around, how much energy i can put into certain endeavors. in the end, i find just as much peace with a clean house and a bit of quiet at the end of the day. i don't need a tree with sparkling lights and all my trinkets hung about.

and besides, with all the joy that this holiday encompasses for me, there is a bit of sadness wrapped up in it as well...the awareness of all the loss this year has brought...the terrifying hope that next year will be more about birth and less about dying...for now, though, i'm just thrilled to love the ones i love and to be loved in return. i'm richer than i deserve to be and lonelier than i want. but perhaps in the coming days and weeks and months, that, too, will begin to iron itself out.

one never knows what the holidays will bring.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

quiet is the new loud

the silence in my room right now is ringing in my ears. really, how am i supposed to think when it's this quiet? i need sleep, but my brain is troubled with silly notions and thoughts of what was and yet wasn't.

plus, the cheese calzone i had for dinner is wreaking havoc on my stomach. i'm going to try for some rest. may it come quickly and without apology....

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

it's coming on christmas....

tonight i went christmas shopping after work. i managed to score several people's presents, which made me feel rather accomplished....while at borders, i realized that james taylor (my all-time favorite) has a new christmas album. you best BELIEVE i came home and downloaded that bad boy from i-tunes as soon as i had a free moment.

so i'm sitting here in my room chillin with jt and feeling psyched that i have a few new holiday offerings this year (i also got sarah mclachlan's 'wintersong' and mercyme's 'the christmas sessions'). next weekend, i'll travel down to virginia and salimah and i will have some good songs to keep us and bella company on our way....

oh and jt doing joni mitchell? lovely....

Sunday, December 03, 2006

eat it raw

last night, i remembered why i love singing with bands or groups - and specifically in a live venue. caryl's show was fantastic, and the band (eat it raw) was tremendous. there was some seriously SICK guitar playing going on...and i'm not one to point that out normally. it amped me up inside in a way that only live music can. and what's more, i was just so proud of caryl for putting together a really complex set of songs to honor her dad (and grandfather). it was no small undertaking, and she pulled it off with utter finesse.

oh, and would it be horrible of me to admit that a few of the boys in this band were rather adorable? :)

here's the gang, post-show. what a great night. i hope for nothing but utter success for the whole lot. their talent deserves to be experienced.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

because i am self-congratulatory....



in the interest of avoiding utter legalistic thinking about this whole blogging thing, i made the decision to take last night off. show my blog who's boss. it's here for me, not the other way around, hear?

yeah, so, whatever. i'm back anyway....

[reader, please forgive me for sometimes being more bark than bite.]

so, let's see, what's new?

hmm....

*crickets*

okay, nothing much, really. but hey, i'm here! that should count for something, right? right?

okay, maybe not.

but ahead on the docket today is a trip down to st. mary's to see salimah's sister caryl's concert to honor their dad. it was originally going to be this past week, but it got rescheduled, so now i can go:).

this means another opportunity to take bella for a nice long ride. she loves her some open road. then again, so do i....

per salimah's suggestion (yesterday notwithstanding), i'm gonna try for decemblopomo....and then after that, just pomo in general.

here is what we have learned: write = good. good = right.

that's all i got for now....

Thursday, November 30, 2006

the end of the road

well, in another hour, november will be officially over...and with it comes the end of nablopomo. it's been a fun experience for me, and it's made me realize that being disciplined about writing - even if i don't really have much to say - is a worthwhile endeavor. i mean, this isn't really news, i guess, but this experience has reinforced that understanding even still....

this evening has been kind of weird. i'm nursing a rather pervasive headache and some muscle pain, so i'm not feeling super well. also, i ate a strange dinner of a smart ones meal and some sauteed edamame and corn with cheddar. it tasted good, but i think it wasn't the best idea for me tonight.

in more upbeat news, we drew names for secret santa at work today. i always love finding just the right gifts to surprise and delight my pal. this year's choice is actually kind of amusing and ironic, but i'm gonna have fun doing the whole thing anyway....

oh, and bella is doing marvelously well. she's even getting herself a bit of a fan club at my job. honestly, i'm not surprised that people can't resist her. she's just far too swell for her own good:).

so, i guess with that bit of newsiness, i'm going to head off to dreamland. for those of you who have stuck with me over the last 30 days, i hope you'll continue to drop in from time to time. and i can pledge in return that i will blog as often as possible (interesting or no).

and the final verdict? sarah 1, nablopomo, goose egg!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

gravy

okay, since it's before 11 p.m., let me try and sum up my life.

to recap, although a woman hit my car last night at the cathedral of mary our queen, there was absolutely no damage done, so i'm not pursuing the matter further. besides, i was a tad stern with her, and she apologized. i was a bit incredulous, still, but what more can i do? it's not like i was going to go all cujo on her hind parts.

this weekend was just divine. after scoring isabella on friday evening, salimah and i took a late-night ride around (one must christen the new vehicle) before coming home to zonk out. saturday we drove out to frederick and had lunch with my mom and dad, who were on their way home from the family gathering in pa. afterwards, we hung out with two of my other gal pals that evening and had wine and appetizers and talked the night away. sunday, i got a bunch of work done in the morning and then s and i went to see 'stranger than fiction,' which was just fantastic. really, if you haven't seen it, i'd give it two thumbs up. and what's more, it's a fun movie to deconstruct afterwards over dinner, which is just what we did. conveniently, there's a california pizza kitchen right across the parking lot from the theatre, and we had a lovely, relaxed meal before calling it a weekend.

i went back to work on monday feeling rather rested, because although i had done a lot of different things, i didn't have to travel anywhere far, and i've realized in recent years, THAT is what exhausts me. getting to sleep in my own home is just better for my body, mind, and soul. don't get me wrong - i love to travel. i just wish i could bring my bedroom with me wherever i go....

so, let's see, not much else on tap for the next couple of days except poetry group on friday night. between now and then, i'll just be doing the usual....work, more work, some tv, a bit more work, then sleep.

but don't you worry. the month ain't over yet. i'll still stop by here at least once till thursday:).

oh, and in case you're wondering, the thanksgiving leftovers are finally gone! talk about accomplishment....

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

ringing in the season

tonight, i went to see this.

other than the fact that an older lady hit my BELLA in the parking lot (!!), it was a lovely evening. oh, and don't worry. she's perfectly fine. not a scratch or bruise on her. close call. thank God.

i'm off to bed.

Monday, November 27, 2006

please don't be mad at me, blog world, but i've found myself in the place again tonight where my brain is mush and i have nothing to say except goodnight and goodnight and goodnight....

but just to let you know, my bella is doing wonderfully well. my seats were very cold this morning when i got in the car, and she rectified that in under a minute. i do love her so....

so sleepy. i'm off to dreamland. let's try again tomorrow night, shall we??

Sunday, November 26, 2006

so much to say...

...so little time before bed. i'm actually too tired right now to blog about everything that's on my mind, so please believe me when i say that i'll fill you in tomorrow.

in the meantime, i'm watching the new show 'trial by choir.' very interesting....

Saturday, November 25, 2006

isabella grazia

please say hello to my new very good friend bella....



isn't she lovely?

Friday, November 24, 2006

recovery

yesterday's meal went off without a hitch. there was more food than anyone knew what to do with, and it all turned out rather well (if i do say so myself). here's what we had:

brined turkey breasts with an herb rub
homemade stuffing with sausage, dried cranberries, sage, pine nuts, and other goodies
mashed candied sweet potatoes and butternut squash with pecans
macaroni and cheese casserole with buttered breadcrumb topping (salimah's family tradition)
kicked-up green bean casserole with caramelized shallots and portabella mushrooms in a red wine sauce
cranberry sauce with oranges and a few liquor enhancements
hot rolls
fry bread (salimah's sister made)

for dessert:
dutch apple pie (gotta thank marie callender for that one)
pumpkin-gingerbread trifle
carrot pie (salimah's mother made)

and to drink, we had an assortment of wines and this yummy rum punch i made that i am still drinking today (and actually, is it wrong that i had some with breakfast?)

you know, the funny thing about days like yesterday is that no matter how full you get, there's always a need for replenishment after a time. good lesson for the day. for life, really.

and i'm out.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

way more than turkey

in honor of the day and because i do not cultivate an attitude of gratitude nearly enough, i present you a small list (by no means exhaustive and in no particular order) of things for which i am thankful today....

1. freedom
2. having some dear friends with whom i am truly close and who have let me in to their lives in a significant way
3. financial stability (no matter how transient)
4. the love of a Father who is far more steadfast and long-suffering than i could ever hope to be
5. the clarity to understand who i am
6. an apartment full of memories and lots of little things that make me happy
7. plenty of food to eat (you should see the refrigerator, stuffed with today's dinner)
8. parents who love me and whom i'm proud to call my friends:)
9. a sound mind and a heart that is open to hope
10. the dream of something even more than all of this

happy thanksgiving, all. may this day find you truly blessed with an extra measure of all that brings you joy....

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

countdown to bird

it's the day before thanksgiving (for those of you who aren't paying attention), and i'm starting to realize how much cooking i have to do....it's gonna be fine, but there's always that nervousness that comes before you've actually started. i'm sure that once begun is half done (at least i hope).

last night, my dreams were strange and filled with ex-boyfriends, all of whom i was trying to arrange to let stay at my parents' house. and in the midst of that, i had agreed to bake these incredibly elaborate cakes (that included piped marzipan) for all the students who went to a particular school (thousands). i was feeling a bit overwhelmed to say the least....

so, now that i'm awake, i'm going to try my best to just relax, take deep breaths, and make it through today without any snags in mood or energy level. and, i'm endeavoring to remember, with thankful heart, that our turkey day feast includes just seven of us, and there's not a piping bag in sight....

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

brief update

okay, sleep last night was AWFUL. i wound up staying up for 'heroes' and then fell asleep during it, went to bed shortly after, and woke up at 2:30 a.m. with a HORRIBLE headache. i got out the heating pad, laid my neck and head on it, and took several advil (i'm not sure - i was in a stupor).

in more pleasant news, it seems like my blog post from last night FINALLY went through. ridiculous.

also, i'm considering getting a new car. stay tuned.

Monday, November 20, 2006

major pain where i don't need one

i have tried posting three times, and both of my other posts disappeared. who knows if this one will work.

anyway, tonight i'm trying to muster up my best efforts to work, but i've got a wicked headache. all i really want to do is go to bed, and it's quite a tempting idea, despite the fact that i want to watch 'heroes' at 9. i'm going to take some advil and see how long i can make it.

in the mean time, anyone care to place bets on whether this will post?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

sloppy joe...slop-a-sloppy joe

i watched '50 first dates' for the umpteenth time today, and it only further confirmed the fact that i love adam sandler. and the song he sings for drew barrymore's character in the movie (lucy) has the best line....

forgetful lucy
cracked her head like gary busey


i ALWAYS get that part stuck in my head (and right now is no exception). sometimes i even catch myself singing it out loud when i'm doing little random tasks (hanging up my coat, washing a pot, putting on my socks).

which reminds me...adam is the author of the beloved thanksgiving song. listen to it here. and of course, it couldn't be outdone by this.

(i would like to acknowledge that there IS, in fact, a part of me that is clearly a 12-year-old boy.)

enjoy!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

over the hump

so, now i have passed the halfway mark of the month (by 3 days, actually), and i've managed to stick with this nablopomo endeavor. honestly, is it too early to feel a little bit proud of myself?

i must admit - i'm actually enjoying feeling this committed to blogging in a way that i haven't in a long time. who knows - maybe i'll try and keep this up beyond december (stranger things have happened).

for now, though, i must go get ready to leave for bethesda. i'm meeting friends at jaleo for lunch, and then i'm off to no va to hang out with a dear friend from back in the day.

the sun is shining, my stomach bug is gone, and my car is all fueled up. it seems, in life, that there's always a bit of adventure waiting around the next turn, and i intend to go and find out what that is....

Friday, November 17, 2006

bottle of red....

i stopped off at a wine and spirits shop on the way home from work today to buy a gift for a friend i'll be seeing tomorrow. while there, i spotted some good deals on spanish reds, so i got myself a couple of bottles to try. by the time i got home, i was feeling like tasting some, so i uncorked a bottle (it's 20% cabernet and 80% tempranillo, if i remember correctly). as soon as the wine hit air, i smelled cherries. this can never be a bad thing. i'm telling you - this wine is so delish....very smooth, not heavy, nice undertones. leaves a very clean finish. i'm so pleased. and it was only 9 bucks on sale!

so, the plan for MY evening is to finish this glass of wine, eat a lean cuisine, and try to stay awake until bedtime. i really need to do laundry, but i'll be honest - it may not happen at this point. i'm relaxed...and i feel i deserve that.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

life lesson: roy g. biv

this afternoon, after torrential rain poured down on baltimore for hours and hours, a huge rainbow broke out in the sky. i mean a full, 180-degree arc. and then there was a partial double rainbow on its outside edges. and then, in a moment of what seemed like cinematographic genius, this flock of birds flew through the blanket of sun and clouds, and they were completely illuminated...glowing, even. my coworkers and i stood in the parking lot, transfixed, for a good 15 minutes or so....it was stunning.

the rest of my day was a mixed bag....i left two windows open in my apartment and had to call my rental office to come and shut them (knowing, full well, that i had piles of dirty laundry in my bedroom waiting for the wash - how embarrassing!). i also had a major freak-out that involved a jag of uncontrollable sobbing (i think it's about to be that time of the month - i'm not normally prone to such things). plus, i've been eating a mostly starch diet until my stomach bug fully abates, and i think it's making me grouchy.

but it was during those moments of standing in spitting rain staring at the sky today that i remembered myself as someone who is alive. it astonishes me how infrequently i look up...how often i forget to just wait and observe. i needed the object lesson, in the midst of the madness....the neon sunset after such a storm....the quiet hum of my nearly dark apartment before sleep....the reminder to breathe in, breathe out, be.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

elton john didn't even KNOW

after dropping off one's graduate thesis and eating a meal of steak frites at a local café, there is really only one thing for two thirty-something girls about town to do on a wednesday evening: sing, triumphantly (and with the windows down), the line from the elton john classic we all know and love....

'HOLD ME CLOSE NOW, TONY DANZA....'
i understand fully if you think i'm a huge cheese puff when i make the following statement: i'm seriously invested in who wins 'dancing with the stars' tonight...so invested, in fact, that i voted online using multiple e-mail addresses. i know. it's a sickness. but at least it's almost over....(for awhile anyway. don't forget that american idol starts up in january - as does 24:)....)

it's been kind of a weird day otherwise, but i frankly don't feel like getting into all of that. let me just say that i've been thinking it through and, if i had a few select people in front of me, here's what i'd say:

1. i miss you.
2. i wish you'd call me.
3. i'm sorry i never called you.
4. i'm sorry i never wrote you back.
5. i'm just sorry.
6. are you even kidding me?
7. please stop the madness.
8. yes. yes. a million times yes.

okay, so now that i've been vague as can be, i'm going to the post office. peace out.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

viscera

one thing that never ceases to amaze me is how you can have an experience, move forward with your life, grow and change for many days/months/years, and then your life presents a moment that mirrors that original experience, and you're right back there, emotions and all. for me, it is music that takes me on journeys like that, and today was no exception.

for me, the moment was late winter/early spring of 2005, sitting in the balcony of an exquisite hall listening to dvorak's new world symphony. today, in my ears, i heard the melancholy oboe, and it nearly tore me in two.

and what shocked me the most was all that came with the memory...and the fact that it still mattered so much to me....

Monday, November 13, 2006

micah 6:8

i feel like a shepherd who's sent his sheep out to graze and cannot remember what pasture he put them in. seriously, it's a mess inside my head. there were moments today when i thought i'd drive myself mad....but then this came to me, plain as day:

He has showed you, o man, what is good.
and what does the LORD require of you?
to act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

ask me—have i been doing that lately? not very well, my friends. not very well. i really needed some clarity today. more than anything, that is what makes me well...what nourishes my sometimes worn out soul and reminds me of who i am.

and i gotta tell ya, even despite everything, that's not bad for a monday....

Sunday, November 12, 2006

slug in the city

okay, so the day is nearer to being over than not, and i really haven't gotten as much done as i had hoped i would. i mean, yes, i made some green tea muffins (trader joe's mix), loaded and ran the dishwasher, worked on freelance, took a nap, and watched a movie, but i can't help but feel like a slacker.

oh, and i also went through some mail and shredded a bunch of credit card offers (i love my shredder!). plus, i had a grilled turkey and provolone sandwich with a layer of cranberry sauce tucked inside (really good, but i still don't feel very well) for a late lunch. i would contemplate dinner, but i don't particularly want to eat anything else. i don't have much of an appetite just now, and i'm trying to roll with it.

i must say - i'm not loving the fact that tomorrow means back to the grind, but until i absolutely have to leave my home, i'm going to hunker down under some blankets and listen to the rain and wind swirling furiously outside my window. it's drafty in my apartment, but there are a few thoughts keeping me warm tonight, not the least of which is that i am loved beyond measure...even if i am a lazy bum.
maroon 5 knows what i'm talking about....

so apparently the days of balmy weather are over. this morning, it is dank and overcast and makes me VERY glad i went grocery shopping last night. in fact, i can speak from personal experience to my gladness, because i just had to go out in the ick to retrieve the rest of my nonperishable items from the trunk of my car, and being out there for even 2 minutes was unbelievably unpleasant.

with that being said, i'm now drying off in the comfort of my cozy, dimly-lit apartment and loving the fact that the whole of sunday stretches out before me with possibility. heck, i'm feeling so good about it, i might even bake something!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

i'm feeling listy.

here we go....

1. salimah's thesis is pretty much finished. it's been such a long process, i feel like i should get a master's degree along with her:).
2. i'm writing this blog entry with dan fogelberg's 'leader of the band' as a backdrop. classic.
3. i was supposed to go out for sushi tonight, but i can't really stomach it (literally).
4. it still amazes me how much fake bling makes me happy—even on a saturday spent kicking about at home.
5. salimah and i planned out our thanksgiving day menu. i can't wait to get cooking!
6. i've had some epiphanies in the last day or so about my perspective on 'belonging.'
7. i'm having some weird attachment to old oprah magazines. i think i need an intervention.
8. next weekend i'm slated to have a tapas lunch with two old friends.
9. i'm making a late-night grocery shopping trip tonight to wegman's. i'm actually rather stoked.
10. i'm NOW writing this blog entry with the song 'it's hard out here for a pimp' from the hustle and flow soundtrack as the backdrop. not classic, per se, but a whole different kind of fun.

i got nothing left. see ya sunday.

Friday, November 10, 2006

the brewer's art

tonight, i spent the evening just as it should be: out to dinner with friends, enjoying lovely food, good wine, and conversation that had even fellow patrons drinking that extra cup of coffee just to make sure they heard the end of one trail or another.

now, unfortunately, i'm feeling a little less than stellar. oh well....no matter. i still must tell what i ate:

fig and goat cheese crêpe (that had been fried crisp)
braised beef short ribs with a mushroom-potato concoction (all i know is that there was cream involved)
lemon tarte with fresh berries (it was TRULY a tart tarte - so citrusy and delightful)
pinot noir (a light and smooth complement)

honestly, right up until the moment that i started to notice that i was in pain, i was loving that kind of evening that only single women can have. it was, quite simply, the perfect entrée into the weekend (pun very much intended).

Thursday, November 09, 2006

while it is still called today....

i've tried concocting a blog post three times tonight but have come up with nada. so now that there is less than 5 minutes left of thursday, i'm putting a li'l something out here just to acknowledge that i am, in fact, still participating in nablopomo:).

sometimes there's not much more to say than that.

oh, well, i DID speak too soon about my stomach issues being resolved last night. after my last blog post, i had a minor relapse. but today seemed more even, and i actually managed to eat some turkey and a banana, both of which are decidedly non-carby items [read: not saltines].

i watched the break-up tonight. not the best film ever, but i'm a fan of vince vaughn and jen aniston, so it was a rather enjoyable hour and 45 minutes of my time.

and now that the clock is about to strike midnight, i'm OUT.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

it bears mentioning

today's blog title is a nod to my best pal, because only she will get it, but either way, it's still applicable....

(in no particular order...)


  • the more serious elements of my illness seem to have mostly passed, although i'm still dealing with vestiges.

  • my nails are so long, i almost feel like i have fake ones (this is so unusual for me - you don't even know).

  • i'm a huge, unembarrassed fan of 'the biggest loser.' it makes me feel like i want a theme song to play whenever i do something particularly swell or triumphant.

  • my foot is seriously hurting.

  • this election has made me realize that i care way more about politics than i ever thought i did.

  • lately, when i get very flustered, i've taken to lisping (not on purpose).

  • i got a flu shot today and, surprisingly, i've had very few side-effects.

  • i'm kind of obsessed with drinking slightly frozen grapefruit juice, and as soon as i can tolerate acids again, i'm running out and buying myself at least 3 bottles.

  • i mean it. my nails are really long.

  • long nails go well with fake bling.

okay, that is all.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

thank God for saltines and ginger ale....

well, it seems that i'm nearly out of the woods from my stomach ailment (although not fully - the nausea and stomach cramping still come in waves from time to time). i did go back to work today, and i felt rather proud of myself for making it through the day without getting violently ill (yay me).

that's pretty pitiful, actually.

in other news, salimah and i did round 2 of thesis brainstorming. it's coming along rather nicely, i feel.

also - and, yes, i understand how TRULY random this is - i have the song 'breakout' by swing out sister (just the chorus) LODGED FIRMLY in my mind. may i just say - life is cruel sometimes.

Monday, November 06, 2006

my stomach is a mess

i feel nauseated and wretched this morning, so i'm at home, trying to nurse myself back to health with some fitful sleep and advil (because my head is also pounding). i'm about to go make some hot tea, but i fear it's not exactly what i need.

i'm not psyched about a week that starts off this way....

Sunday, November 05, 2006

words get in the way

after a several-hour-long thesis revision session with salimah yesterday afternoon, i managed to get nothing done that could be considered by most people as productive. i mean, sure, i napped, but i didn't wind up doing any editing. oh, and i burned my dinner (but you best believe i ate it anyway).

today, on the other hand, i've been a little editing machine. and i've even managed to sneak in a viewing of the prizewinner of defiance, ohio, which - i must say - is QUITE a charming film. julianne moore does a great 50s housewife. i think this is at least the third movie of hers in which she plays that exact role. anyway, i thoroughly enjoyed it. an enthusiastic two thumbs up.

i just looked at the clock and realize that i have about 6 more hours of working until my eyes will, in all likelihood, give out, so i'm back to the grind.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

life is short. eat peanut butter first.

while my dinner of turkey tenderloins stuffed with a dried cherry/cornbread/cashew stuffing is finishing up in the oven, i (being the hungry, early lunch eater that i am) am relishing a bowl of reese's puffs. not health food, mind you, but delightful every so often.

and while i am on the topic of healthful bits, i would like to announce that my skim milk tastes suspiciously like the cardboard carton from whence it came. not ideal, i can assure you.

since i've had a delicious nap on my new mattress, the plan for the evening is work, work, work and maybe a bit of movie-watching as a backdrop. whatever it is, it must go well with technical manual jargon and the scratching of my red pen. i'm thinking something with mark ruffalo...i find him marvy.
morning has (not quite) broken

UGH! i tried several times last night to post yesterday's entry on time, but blogger was giving me problemos (and, i might say, this has been happening much too frequently of late). so now it's 6:20 a.m. and i thought i'd try again (and it worked, apparently). but why - you may ask - am i up this early on a saturday morning? well, to be honest, i just had this auditory dream that freaked me out. i am telling you - i heard one loud RING of a phone (which is especially odd, since i don't have a regular phone anymore) and then nothing. it was enough to actually wake me out of what, to me, felt like a dead sleep.

in more pleasant news, i'm getting new mattresses today. a coworker is selling a practically new set of them - in the size of my current bed - and it was too great of a deal to pass up. my current mattress is 10 years old (i bought it right after college), and it's just DEAD. and my back...my poor back...has been suffering because of it for quite awhile now.

SO, this will at least tide me over until i decide to upgrade to a bigger bed someday (if/when i can ever afford it). and, in the meantime, i plan on getting my SLEEP ON....

but for now, i need a shower and some hot tea. the sun's not even up yet. *shudder*

Friday, November 03, 2006

it's friday, i'm in love

okay, well, not really. i just had that in my head for awhile today. but i must say, i'm practically in love with friday and all that it entails. i mean, who doesn't love getting to leave work for two WHOLE days? there's that anticipation i get every week....the feeling that anything's possible. i swear, i'm so 'old musical'-oriented that the one line from that song from the sound of music always runs through my head: 'what will this day be like, i wonder...'

yes, it's true....weekends, even busy ones, hold that much promise for me.

i need to get out more.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

raising the bar

in a strange twist of events, it's storytime here at always greener....

once upon a time, there was a girl who always wanted to be married. she wanted it so much, in fact, that she considered its possibilities with every boy she ever met. even the ones she didn't like that much. (she later learned that this was, in fact, a result of her raging insecurity, but that's outside the scope of today's story.)

the girl settled for relationships in which she was not very high on the priority list, because she felt that if someone didn't make an honest woman out of her by the time she was twenty-one, she might implode. (really, she felt it MUST be true.) but, as things often go for girls like this, none of her relationships came to fruition.

around the time the girl was about to turn twenty-one, she met a boy who made all of her come to life. something about the things in his heart seemed so well-matched to hers that she was all too happy to overlook the multitude of practical things standing in the way of the two of them marrying and living happily ever after (not the least of which was a family who was strongly against this union). the girl thought that finally, something real and good and 'forever' was happening in her life, and so what if it took another year or two past twenty-one? she was going to have her dream-come-true after all!

BUT, the boy with the shining heart turned out to be more scared and broken than the girl even realized and, after a year or more of agony, things ended...badly. and then hope glimmered again after a bit more time had passed...and then they ended again...even more badly than before.

the girl walked away from the situation bruised and bewildered, wondering how it was possible that someone so 'perfect' for her could turn out to be so wrong. hadn't she waited long enough? hadn't she tried to be all the things she knew to be so that he would love her back? didn't she deserve something good - something real and beautiful?

for the next few years, the girl's heart slowly mended, but even despite all the time that passed, she never forgot the boy. she couldn't. no one else came even remotely close to meeting her gaze the way that he did. when other boys spoke, she could see they were funny or smart, but none of them had the spark that made her light up like that boy. you see, the bar had been raised for her, and she knew that whomever she would eventually marry would have to be as good...or BETTER...than the boy who had stolen her heart those years before.

after some time had passed, the girl found a lovely boy and they began a slow but progressing relationship, talking of marriage and children and all the things the girl had always wanted. and while she felt excited by this and hoped that maybe...just maybe...things would turn out in her favor this time, the new boy still didn't make the bar. don't misunderstand, though - she wanted him to. she wanted SO much for him to be the one who would finally match her MORE than the first boy. but he never did. and what was more difficult was that, in the mean time, the first boy married. the girl had her answer: it would never be after all. never, ever.

after five years, the girl's relationship ended. and, of course, her heart began wandering back to the first boy...to the things he was...and wondering what might have been. but something about the girl had changed. she wasn't that same helpless, needy soul she had once been. she was so much stronger, self-assured, even, and she didn't look at every man as a potential mate now. and, what was more, even though the bar had not moved from its place, she was beginning to know deep inside of her that the first boy wasn't really what she wanted after all. she had grown past that place, those desires, into someone who knew she deserved more than that. and she also started to realize that someday, someone would come and surpass that first boy. she found it a little hard to believe, but her hope told her it was so....

so, she began to wait.

eventually, just when she least expected it, a boy did come...and not just quietly, but barreling into her life...and before the girl knew what hit her, any thoughts of that bar were practically foreign to her. the new boy had shown her things and opened her eyes in ways that she couldn't have anticipated. the girl was dumbfounded. she almost didn't want to believe it could be so, but maybe her heart had finally found its match after all?

sadly, the girl was met with more disappointment...and a heart more bruised and bewildered than before. but again, something new and strong had taken hold, and even though she was sad and she cried quite a lot, she also KNEW that she would be all right. and the hope - which, really, was much wiser than she - reminded her that someday, there wouldn't be a need to raise the bar...that someday, all the things she was supposed to have would come together. but until that time, the girl was to carry on, holding the hope around her to keep her warm when the world felt especially cold and lonely (as it often does).

and whenever the girl sits in her quiet apartment, she realizes that, these days, it isn't so much that she just wants to be married (all imploding aside), but more that she wants to share all the years of hoping and changing and growing with someone who was doing all those same things while waiting for her somewhere in the world. and when she finds him, they'll raise the bar together.

the end.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

bling in november!

so, after work today, i had an appointment with my friend ness to go to the mawl and get some random stuff. so, she went to macy's and i headed to williams-sonoma so i could get these two cake pans i've been really needing. after those minor errands, we were on our way out when i spotted this fun purse/jewelry/accessories store i like, and in we went. now, normally, i don't purchase things when i go in there. i just ooh and ahh and wish i had the guts to wear some of the fun stuff.


but today, i decided to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. so, here's the watch i bought....







i also got two rings with huge stones. unfortunately, they don't have pics of them on their web site, but one of them looks suspiciously like this....



it may not be real, but people, it's super fun, and i've got mad shine the likes of which i assure you i truly, truly deserve....
november 1

here's my first nablopomo post. i'm still not up on the list as of last night, but perhaps that will change on the list!!

i awoke at 5:15 this morning on my own. i don't know what's up with me these days, but i kind of like it. it's amazing what happens when you cease activity after about 8 pm. it gives your brain time to shut off for the night so you can actually rest. at least, this is my theory for now.

gotta get ready for work. must be out the door in 20 minutes.

happy november, peops!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

freak or genius? you decide.

okay, the truth is i don't like halloween. i'm not what you'd call a 'participator.' and i'm not trying to be a debbie downer or whatever, but i'm just really not into it. all the costumes and candy and 'boo' and all that...it's just not really me.

so, you can imagine how thrilled i was when it was decided last week that everyone in my department was required to wear at least one item of 'costume' to this week's team lunch. but you know, i had a moment in which i thought go with it....so i did.

as a result—and because i am a complete freak/genius—i dressed up as the seven-year itch (the costume consisted of a timeline and a back-scratcher).

only 3 people got it (and they were all over 50), but their laughter was well worth it...let me tell ya.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

fall back: turkey bacon and ennui

this morning, i woke up at 6:30 (new time), read some articles and blogs for a bit, and then made breakfast for me and salimah (she stayed over last night). it was nice to be up early, being productive and feeling like i was getting a jumpstart on my day.

now i have a load of laundry brewing in suds and, thanks to a combination of bath and body works products, i smell like vanilla cookies and cinnamon. oh, and i'm drinking a skim chai from starbucks.

if it weren't for the fact that i feel kind of blah, i suppose all of those things would equal a good morning so far. we'll see how the rest of the day shakes out....

Saturday, October 28, 2006

i'm not sure whether i'm fighting something off or whether it's because fall has finally arrived and the days are getting shorter, but i cannot seem to stay awake past a decent hour at night lately. in fact, i'm lucky if i make it to 9:00. and i gotta tell ya - it's cramping my style....or, more appropriately, my ability to get ANYTHING DONE.

today i'm preparing lunch for me, my parents, and salimah. we're having salmon with creamy tamarind sauce, romaine salad with balsamic vinaigrette (grape tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, etc.), brown rice with caramelized portabella mushrooms and green onions, and strawberries for dessert.

now then, my parents are set to arrive here in about 4 hours, so i've got to get a move on....

Thursday, October 26, 2006

nablopomo


i have decided to do something a bit wackadoo. actually, it's not technically wackadoo, but given my insane schedule of late, it has caused me to question my own sanity a bit. i am going to attempt full-on participation in national blog posting month (nablopomo), which means that i will post once a day to my blog for every day in november.

i cannot promise pith, dear readers, but i shall TRY to provide you with something of substance as often as possible. deal?

wish me the best....

Monday, October 23, 2006

i'm being stalked by my cable company for a bill i've already paid.

i'm not sure what to say about that, but their automated system KEEPS calling me and telling me that it's 'urgent we speak with you.' so i patiently wait on the line, and either i get disconnected, or no one ever shows up. (i'm sorry, but if i have to wait for you for more than 5 minutes when YOU CALLED ME, i feel that's beyond the scope of what is reasonable.)

i find it hilarious that, in this day and age, these computerized systems can't seem to synch themselves up. i mean, shouldn't this 'highly sophisticated' piece of auto-calling genius (replete with scary-sounding deep-voiced man) be able to access my account and realize that i've got a ZERO balance? it's smart enough to dial me and harass me; why can't it go the extra step?

thank goodness i've managed to memorize their number so that when they call me sometimes up to THREE times a day, i can promptly ignore the call. perhaps i should just start calling them and leaving THEM stern messages about how they only called me twice today and if you're going to errantly stalk me, you'd better do a better job about it.

that'd teach 'em.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

you'll forgive my recent silence, blog world. i'm just really rather empty lately.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

some things just aren't worth it

there are moments in life when it really feels like there is NO ONE who gets you. i'm having one of those moments.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

relative accomplishment

well, after many hours of tidying, dusting, vacuuming, scrubbing, and garbaging (okay, so i made that one up), my apartment has reached a level of cleanliness with which i can be satisfied—at least for now.

i don't want to be overly newsy (but deal with it, because i've got nothing pithy to say), so here's a brief rundown of the rest of my saturday:

1. quick visit with my very good friend kim that involved, among other things, talk about cookie decorating
2. trip to macy's with salimah (at which i purchased a cuisinart juicer i've been wanting for about 2 years—it was on sale) so that SHE could get a DVD player, only to find out that they no longer sell electronics: bummer
3. grocery store (quick trip)
4. chicken thighs mounded with cornbread-sour cherry-cashew stuffing—buttery and crisp after baking
5. 'click' with adam sandler: in general, enjoyable, but it did get rather macabre at the end
6. laundry: 2 loads
7. sleepsville

today is shaping up to be a visit to freelance town (with some more laundry thrown in). productive weekends really ARE the best, but i'm also kind of wiped out lately. is it wrong that i miss the vegging a little? (food network, i still love you.)

Friday, October 13, 2006

birthday cake + dust bunnies = snarky me

i'm so thankful this week is over. i plan on having a long talk with my pillow tonight. seriously, i'm exhausted.

today at work, we had our monthly employee birthday recognition cake. normally, i don't partake...grocery store cakes don't do much for me. but for some reason, i was craving a little something sweet. suffice it to say that i had not only a piece of cake, but a little strawberry ice cream AND some peanut m&ms. i don't think i need to tell you that i was ROLLING on that sugar high. all kinds of funny (or perhaps insane) stuff was flowing from my mouth for the next hour. i'm certain all my coworkers thought (think) i'm even more nuts than they suspected before.

despite the fact that i've already kind of crashed and am now fully in the mellow swing of things, i have to drum up enthusiasm sufficient to clean my HOT MESS of an apartment tonight. and really, i know that it could theoretically wait until tomorrow, but i've got news for you: if i wait, it ain't happening.

so basically, this means i'm in a less than stellar mood.

but you know what? i'm gonna feel so freaking good once i do these chores. i'm going to don my cleaning garb—bandana, sweat pants, flip flops, old t-shirt—and make some headway. those dust bunnies won't even know what hit 'em!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

straight to the point...except not

after work upon work this evening, salimah and i went over to chili's for a burger. it hit the spot. so did our conversation about people with jacked up agendas and the inability (or unwillingness) to grow a pair and call someone back.

and when all is said and done, i can't even be that mad, because what does it matter anyhow?

and if i'm being honest, i'm sad tonight. because i can't have what it is that i feel like i'm supposed to have. how can everything point in one direction, except the funny little thing called what's actually going on?

God, if i even knew one thing right now, i feel like i'd be at least in the game. forget about being ahead of it.

Monday, October 09, 2006

safe(not really "safe," per se, but safe enough)way

on the way home from work this afternoon, i made a 'quick' stop in at the safeway near my house (and by 'quick,' i was hoping for 10 minutes; it wound up being more like 35 or 40) to grab some dinner. i ordered a turkey sandwich with cranberries and havarti cheese from the deli and then, of course, while i was there, i noticed that they had a sale on lean cuisine and steam-in-the-bag veggies, so i picked up some of those. oh, and some organic, unsweetened bottled iced tea for a buck each (got 4 of those), some whipped yoplait for 50 cents each (again, 4), bananas (yup, you guessed it...), and i don't even remember what else.

what is it with me? i can't go into the store and return with just 2 or 3 things. i always see things on sale - or that i need - or that i could just buy now and save myself the trouble later. it's never simple.

either way, though, my freezer is STOCKED with frozen dinners and quick veggie options. this is good for me right now. i don't have much in the way of time to be cooking meals. i've got too much occupying my hours these days (got to bring home the turkey bacon).

and tonight is shaping up to be another busy night. now if i could only get this headache to go away....

Sunday, October 08, 2006

restored

i got a new phone yesterday afternoon. after spending 2.5 hours (yes, you read that right) at the sprint store near me, dealing with a slightly unpleasant female manager, and haggling with the customer service people over the phone about why they won't cut a girl A BREAK (for crying out loud), i took my measly 75-dollar credit (it should have been 150, but sprint recently changed their freaking rules - and don't think i didn't give them a piece of my mind about this) and purchased a sleek little black number.



to be honest, the price was right, it has bluetooth (which is a bonus), rocks the camera (which i'd gotten to used to having to go back to a phone without one), and it WORKS when i turn it on (that last one was a major selling point). plus, a friend of mine has one, and he feels that it's supa fly. i feel that i agree....

anyhoo, so far, i'm just relieved as all get-out to be able to call my mama (which i just did; she seemed happy about it). everyone breathe a sigh of relief along with me. go ahead. it'll make you feel better....

oh, and if you haven't heard from me in awhile, don't be surprised if you get a little ringie-ringie in your life:).

Saturday, October 07, 2006

i have a confession to make. last night, at around 3:45, i woke from the place i had zonked out on the couch and then proceeded to obsess about my now-completely-dead phone. i ransacked a few drawers looking for my original packaging, hoping against hope that i might have a USB cord that goes with the phone through which i could download stuff from my phone to my computer. no such luck.

so, instead of getting into bed to get warm and toasty and to, well, go back to SLEEP (and it was SUPER cold in my room, too), i sat at the computer reading blogs and watching youtube videos in a too-thin for the cold nightgown until about 6:30 in the morning. what is wrong with me?

okay, well, i don't quite have the answer to that one, but suffice it to say that i'm going to scrape my nickels and dimes together and see about getting me a new phone today. i can't even call my mother and my best friend. times are tough.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

interment

the sky this morning was a beautiful sight: puffy gray clouds with the brightest sunbeams straining through them. to me, it was God's reminder of His presence in the midst of sorrow.

i drove to work early so that i could leave by 9 and make it down for salimah's dad's funeral. as my car sped down the highway, i saw a lone hawk circling in the sky. the scripture that kept coming to my mind was isaiah 40:31:

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

God reminded me in that moment that those words apply not only in this life here and now, but forevermore. daryl harvey was in a physically weakened state. his body was wracked with the effects of severe diabetes. his body had betrayed him for too long, and even walking had become more and more difficult over time. his passing was sudden and yet something we had expected for awhile now....and, as always, it happened much too soon.

in God's presence, daryl's strength has been perfectly renewed. his body is no longer held back by the devastating impact of illness or pain. he is whole; the years in which he lacked health have been restored to him, and then some. he IS finally home. my heart is filled with so much joy in knowing that.

it was, to say the least, a hard day. lots of tears, moments of prayerful sorrow, and holding this family whose sadness will travel with them for a long time. but even in the midst of grief, we had pockets of such laughter. what i love about salimah and her sisters is that there is always room to find hilarity, even in the midst of seriousness. some of my favorites from the day:
  • the limo driver whose speech was unintelligible but whose cell phone ringer was james brown's 'i feel good' (and it went off during the ceremony at quantico....imagine james brown's 'HEY! i feel good....' echoing across a lovely green meadow. priceless.)
  • one of the pastors who, while praying, referred to those gathered as 'mens and womens.' none of us could quite get over that one.
  • while standing beside the casket right before the service, through tears, salimah plainly announced, 'these flowers smell like feet.'
  • the woman reading the obituary who, when confronted with the fact that she didn't know the word 'eclectic' decided to change it to 'excellent' and managed, without fail, to mispronounce several people's names - salimah's mother's and sister's included.
it just goes to show you....despite the occasion, you just need some levity sometimes. it keeps you sane, i think.

so, it is with heavy heart and weary eyes that i say goodbye to salimah's daddy, daryl harvey. i thank God for you, daryl, and most of all, i thank God that salimah's heart and yours were at peace with one another. she loved you deeply, profoundly...both despite and because of who you are. and because of that, i love you, too. rest in peace, daryl...renewed and strong and finally where you are meant to be.
><>

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

quick question

should i be at all concerned about myself that i have a nick lachey song stuck in my head?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

snapshots of sunday

brilliant sun and impressionist clouds (monet couldn't have done it better himself.)
verdent key limes tied in a mesh bag
blood orange italian soda
creamy gorgonzola (its destiny is a pasta dish.)
children laughing in the parking lot
red pen smeared on my pinky knuckle
windows open, wool socks, favorite warm-up jacket
two songs looping simultaneously through my head (one ryan adams, the other the fray)
dusty furniture
clean sheets
cafe con leche
nervous stomach
stack of books to sell on amazon
way too many pens and pencils
brown sugar-vanilla hand lotion
real estate listings
to-do list for life

Friday, September 29, 2006

fog

the last several days have been one big blur. first salimah's dad passed away. then her grandfather fell down some stairs and is now on life support in the hospital; he may or may not make it. these two things are very overwhelming and have been consuming much of my emotional energy and concern for salimah's family - one of her sisters in particular.

on top of all of that, my phone (my one and only phone) is almost dead, and i can't afford to buy a new one; i owe the electric company a TON of money, because the summer's rate hike totally killed me; and my right eye is swollen and i'm wondering if there's something really wrong.

other than all of THAT, i'm really tired. i mean really tired. i haven't felt like myself for days. i don't think i'm sleeping very well. i just hurt for salimah and her family, and i can't believe all of this has transpired since tuesday....

after work tonight, i got salimah from the light rail, and she and a couple of coworkers of mine met up for drinks and dinner. it was nice to be out and about, having some cocktails, but i also felt very strange and out of place....things feel very different right now. maybe i'm just suffering from exhaustion, but it seems like something more. it's hard to live your life in 'situation normal' mode when nothing is normal. it's way too disorienting.

and i can't even finish this post with some type of witty ending, so i'm just ending it. right here.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

there really isn't anything more heartbreaking than hearing the voice of someone you love on the other end of the phone, crying.

"my father's dead."

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

collect

n. a short prayer comprising an invocation, petition, and conclusion

today is a sad day. my best friend in the world is, in all likelihood, about to lose the only father she's ever really known, and there's nothing that can be done—at least not by any human hands. salimah and her sisters and mom are family to me. there is no distinction; they are mine and i am theirs. and so i mourn along with them. i sit and wait with them. i pray with them and for them. their sorrow is my sorrow...their pain, my pain.

the years haven't always been kind to this family, but what i have seen is people who, despite circumstances, keep getting up and getting on with things....women whose faces bear the character that only suffering can bring. it's true what they say: pain makes you beautiful. and within the hurt, there is laughter and a fierce loyalty to one another that holds them up, even in their grief.

if you are one who prays, please join with me. this family needs comfort, support, assurance. and that man, lying in a hospital bed, needs to know the rest his life has never let him fully grasp. may God grant it to him now.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

writing to reach you

i'm not sure who it is that i want to read this. and frankly, at this moment, i don't really care who does.

i just deleted some electronic letters i've been saving for more than 4 years. they were things i'd written to 'somebody, someday,' but just now, i couldn't bear the thought of keeping them another day. i don't want to hold on.

or do i?

i've been asking myself some hard questions lately about who i am and what i want these days, and i've come up with precious few answers that make any real sense to me. and honestly, i don't know what's worth saving and what should be disposed of. i don't feel particularly savvy anymore in the realm of keepsakes, or hopes, or dreams, or 'someday.'

i do know, however, that i don't want to write any more letters that i will keep and subsequently stumble over some 5 years from now....letters that will serve to make me realize only how little has actually changed. some things need to go away forever, because nothing associated with them will ever hope to be anything more than a reminder of something i need to forget.

look, maybe i'm being all melodramatic here, and you know what? that's okay. i'm cutting myself some slack, because it hasn't been the easiest year for me. no, scratch that, 5 years for me. no, scratch that, 31 years for me. and sometimes i'm confused and i just want to throw it all away and start over again. but i can't. the truth is that i can't. so instead, i'm being honest and i'm putting myself out there, and maybe you won't understand me anyway. and that's okay. because i'm okay.

and it doesn't really matter to me if you're reading this, remember?
tequila!

the chile party last night was super fun. i got to hang out with some coworkers (and spouses) that i don't visit with nearly enough, and occasionally, some rather inebriated people would show up at our table and announce that we needed another shot (of tequila, of course). the last shot of the evening was done in honor of the guy who shouts 'tequila!' in the song of the same name. he died yesterday at the age of 77.

i wasn't what i would call intoxicated, but i definitely felt rather nice by the end of the evening, and i certainly had no trouble zonking out when we got home. and all throughout my sleep, every time i rolled over and caught a whiff of my hair, i was right back there with my friends, having great talks, and smelling the air, heavy with grilling chile peppers and the smoke from the chiminea in the backyard.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

everyone knows i'm in over my head....

i don't know what's up with me, but i can't seem to get moving today. i had all this stuff i wanted to accomplish before noon, and i've done none of it. in fact, i laid in bed this morning and watched the movie 'baby boom' on TNT or TBS or one of those cable channels that shows 80s films on weekend mornings.

in a couple of hours, i'm going to an annual chile party (no, not chili) with salimah, something i've been looking forward to since last year's bash. what's not to like: delish food, plentiful sangria, and lots of fun people whooping it up (last year, there was even a broadway showtune-singing portion of the evening). my goal is to eat well, laugh a lot, and hopefully not make a fool out of myself in front of any coworkers....

now then, my phone is basically dead. and i'm more than just a little annoyed about this because a) it's my only phone (i have no land line) and b) sprint recently changed their 'once-every-18-months-we-give-you-money-for-a-new-phone' policy to a two-year thing, so i'm basically screwed for another three months. at this point, i'm seriously considering some stern tones and not-so-subtle suggestions that they need to help. me. OUT. we'll see how it all shakes down, but suffice it to say that i need a new phone. one that doesn't die after 3 minutes of operation.

okay, so phone woes, slackerness, and future partying aside, i am in a serious rut here. i've never felt more strongly the need to pull everything in, assess what i've got, and make some decisions about what to do next. i need a regrouping. i've said it before and i'll say it again: my life is screaming for a makeover.

to that end, i purchased a 90-day write-on calendar this week so that i can start to map out the next three months of my life. i'm definitely feeling a detailed layout, right down to the 'these are the nights of the week i'll cook, and these are the nights i'll be eating leftovers' kind of minutia. we'll see how it goes. i just have so much that needs to be accomplished before the start of '07, and i'll be darned if i slide into the end of the year without some agenda items crossed off my master list. now if i could only carve out the time to write on the freaking calendar, i'd be all right.

is it me, or is it getting a little overwhelmed in here?

Friday, September 22, 2006

'he was old enough to be my child.'**

today, i engaged in some rather random flirtation with the counter help at a rather unknown pseudo-sandwich establishment. i say 'pseudo-sandwich' because all of the sandwiches are basically wraps. and i'm sorry, but a wrap is NOT a sandwich.

now that we've gotten that cleared up, this young person with whom there was flirting was wearing a hat that was slightly askew. he informed me that he had just moved down here from brooklyn, and he was studying for the LSATs next week (he also told me how nervous he was, to which i replied that he'd be just fine). all during this flirtation, a rather forward man from some south asian country (my vote is for india) was insistently shouting out the names of various wraps i should try, but he was also mumbling while he shouted. i'm not sure how this is possible, but trust me, it was working, because even though he was loud, i couldn't understand him. i was making out words here and there....'somethingsomething TURKEY' and 'SOUTHWEST somethingsomething.' really, i was trying to ignore him. mr. skewed-hat was giving me his opinion on the most popular menu items and i prefer flirty to shouty-mumbling.

so, feeling pressured because i was the only customer, and i was being stared at by these two gentlemen who seemed excited to take my freaking order, i decided on some fun-sounding turkey wrap and stood there looking aimlessly around the store. mr. flirty didn't cease his dialogue, though. he asked me where i worked, and when i told him, he inquired further as to what we do there. when i told him, he replied simply, 'word.'

so i'm all like, 'totally.'

how old am i again?

okay, so the verdict is that the pseudo-sandwich was rather tasty, and i will, in all likelihood, be back to try some other variety (hopefully without the shouty-mumbling). and mr. flirty skewed-hat, wherever you are, good luck on the LSATs.

**this is what i informed my coworker when she asked me how young i thought mr. flirty skewed-hat really was.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

'if i could turn back time....' (thanks, cher)

sometimes people ask me, 'if you could go back to any portion of your life and live it over again, what part would you repeat and what would you do differently?'

it's an interesting question, really, and one for which i rarely have an answer. see, normally, i feel like all my experiences—good, bad, or otherwise—have helped shape me into the person i currently am.

okay, but now i have an actual answer. i know no one's posing the question, so i'm taking the liberty of doing it myself.

"so, sarah, if you could return to any part of your life and relive it....(you know the rest)?"

so, like, how about 15 minutes ago before i decided it was a good time of night to trim my eyebrows and i managed—in one fell swoop—to COMPLETELY REMOVE THE OUTER HALF OF MY LEFT EYEBROW?

yeah, good one.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

i have an agenda today: to do as little as possible.

i have a few loads of laundry i need to wash for the coming week, but other than that, i have no plans....i love that. delicious, lazy days are so few and far between, i aim to cherish them when they do come along.

so, enough of this blogging for now; i have an appointment with my dvd player and my sofa....

Thursday, September 14, 2006

it's finally starting to just barely feel like fall around these parts, although i sense summer's hesitation to loosen its grip on the world. no matter. it will be overtaken any day now - i just know it.

i'm sincerely glad this week is almost over. not sure why, specifically. i just really love a weekend. it's one of my all-time favorite things. plus, i have to bake a cake for a double baby shower (a friend of mine commissioned me), and the baking and decorating of said cake has to take place sometime before saturday late morning. i have lots to do in the next 24 hours. i'd like to get on with it.

right now, i really should be doing some laundry, cooking dinner, and washing leftover dishes from the other night, but can i be honest? i don't feel like lifting a finger. i'm just tired. the sickness that took over my life just over three months ago has yet to fully disengage, and while i'm in no way coughing up my lungs anymore, i'm worn out, still a little congested, and generally blotchy and feel that i'm not putting my best face forward quite yet.

and, i guess, then, that i really shouldn't be surprised that i feel a general lack of peace in my life right now. i was having a rather frank discussion with God about this on my way home from work, and i heard myself pouring out all kinds of fears and questions and doubts and statements about what i know is true and what i know isn't. at first, i had this instinct to censor myself, but then i realized that what i actually needed was to NOT censor myself - to get it all out, let it be whatever it will be. besides, none of this is news to God, and to me, it's just clogging me up.

and then it began to occur to me that maybe the reason the sickness hasn't fully let go of me is because i haven't fully let go of it....such a parallel to some other things in my life that i'm having a bit of a hard time laying down and walking away from.

ugh.

well, as with everything else, it has to come bit by bit. i want to let it go, though. let it ALL go....the summer, the doubts, the wrong turns, the phantom illness. let autumn come so i can wrap myself in something new...something warm and comforting...a different season, more questions, better answers....

Monday, September 11, 2006

in memoriam

for the past 3 years, i haven't written 9/11-related posts, mostly because i felt my thoughts had reached the point of being trite, and who really needs one more cheesy sentiment about such a tragic event?

well, you'll pardon any cheese, i'm sure. today i have some thoughts....

this day (and, more importantly, that day) has been heavily on my mind for the better part of two months, and there has been a growing pit in my stomach for weeks now at the knowledge that today would come and all the old feelings and fears would creep back in for me and so many other people. i'm not kidding when i say that i think i have a bit of ptsd (posttraumatic stress disorder) from september 11, 2001. every time i spend more than about 10 seconds thinking about it, my eyes well up and i'm right back there in the midst of the fear and confusion i felt that tuesday 5 years ago.

it's true: i didn't lose anyone i love on that day. i didn't witness first-hand anything blowing up...didn't run from a burning building or save anyone's life or lose a job or a home or anything. but something inside of me broke apart that day, and it's never really been mended.

when i turned toward DC and looked out my office window that morning...and saw the smoke billowing into the blue sky from the pentagon, such a fear rose up within my heart...such terror and sadness intermingled. and from that point on, and for days afterward, i couldn't stop crying...and then again and again every time the news showed the planes crashing into the buildings...every time a low-flying aircraft zoomed overhead...every time i thought about those thousands of people and how much more terror they experienced than me. i cry still when i think about it. i'm crying even now.

today i sat at work, zombified, reeling inside from all that happened that day. i still can't shake the feelings, the memories. and i simply cannot get over the fact that so many people lost their lives and left behind so many to mourn and relive the tragedy of their deaths on a daily basis.

a part of me is glad that i feel so deeply what happened on september 11, because i'd hate to think that my heart would ever be hardened to what happened that day. and i'm humbled that everyone i adore is present and accounted for...that i don't have to sort through mountains of grief and anger to try and make sense of my daily life. my hope is that we as a nation will never allow the severity of that day to fall away from us. may we never be glib. may we never treat the murder of nearly 3,000 people as just another day to go to starbucks and get a frappuccino.

tomorrow it won't be 9/11 anymore, and for that, i'm really quite thankful. but while it is today, let it be said that as a citizen of this country...as a human being...i remember all of you...i saw what happened. i won't forget. and if i have to be a little sad every day for the rest of my life, it's a small price to pay. at least i'm still here to stand up and be counted with those who will not let this day go unnoticed. and with my tears, i honor all of you.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

yin and yang, so to speak

before i go out for the day to live my life, i want to say one thing: i have been sitting here evaluating my current situation for the last few weeks, and i've come to some conclusions. unfortunately, some of these are rather personal and, therefore, i cannot share them here. what's the point in me saying this, then? perhaps it's to remind ME when i come back by this post (which, inevitably, i will) that on saturday, september 9, 2006, i knew what it was that i wanted to do in this season of my life...and, of equal importance, what i didn't want to do.

you cannot—i have learned—look at just one side of a coin if you're going to truly understand the coin itself. examine everything—all parts of each situation—and that will yield the most well-thought-out response. i think that, too often in life, we are so intent upon making a decision that feels good that we fail to acknowledge that there will be some sides to the story that feel so much less than that. but it's okay. that's part of life. the bitter comes with the sweet and helps you appreciate it all the more. it's more real that way anyway. without tragedy, pain, loss, loneliness, how would we really understand the fullness of joy, the richness of love, the beauty of forgiveness and discovery and companionship?

i'm getting way too philosophical for a saturday afternoon. suffice it to say i have flipped the coin over, inspected it thoroughly, and made some decisions accordingly. and come what may, acting on those decisions has got to be better than just sitting here writing about them. that's the catch, really. after you inspect both sides of the coin, go out and spend it on the right thing. and i intend to....

Thursday, September 07, 2006

if you've got more legs than i do, you are not welcome in my home....

so, tonight i realized that i have a double bug bite on my upper thigh. no wonder it's been itching like crazy for the last two days. but also, what bug got that far up my pants leg to bite me, not once, but TWICE? either way, stuff like that disturbs me, i think, because of a minor incident that occurred in elementary school involving a cricket that had apparently crawled up the leg of my pants. when i reached down to scratch my leg, i lifted the fabric and the large bug ran down my leg and onto the floor. needless to say, i was traumatized and ever after, the thought of a bug being up my drawers makes me crazy.

and speaking of bugs, when i got home from the gym, there was some type of shimmery water bug on the wall of my bedroom. now, truth be told, i live nowhere near any water, so i couldn't help but wonder where said bug came from. i'm sure i don't have to tell you that i wasted no time grabbing my handy dirt devil so i could suck that critter off the ceiling faster than you can say 'insect intruder.' i hope he's having fun mingling with the dustbunnies. good riddance.

meanwhile, my skin is crawling and i'm on a serious search for the hydrocortisone cream. must. not. scratch. the. itch.

Monday, September 04, 2006

full

what a great weekend this has been! saturday i spent a good portion of the morning baking a blueberry-lemon cake with white chocolate-cream cheese icing that i took to salimah's for a get-together that she had with 10 friends. we all went out to sammy's trattoria on charles street - FANTASTIC food, great atmosphere, lovely decor. we all stuffed ourselves silly on delightful fare and then rolled back to salimah's pad for the cake, some coffee and liquor, early birthday presents, and light conversation.

sunday afternoon, i met back up with her and we watched movies for awhile and then went out to target so she could pick up a new lamp (birthday gift card booty!) and i got an excellent, very soft brown purse (salimah bought). afterwards, we got a snack and some cocktails at tony roma's and then made our way back home for bed.

early this morning, we got up and salimah opened her birthday presents from me--some coffee paraphernalia, a new kitchen clock, a magnetic photo board for the fridge, some jewelry, and a set of bath gels. then we watched another movie and headed out to kohl's for more shopping (she got a bunch of fall clothes and a new purse) before meeting up with her mom (and friend) for dinner at the bonefish grill (quite yums as usual).

so now i'm back home, feeling sated and so glad that my best friend's birthday was much better than last year's....

salimah, you are a phenomenal woman, getting more and more beautiful (inside and out) every year. i cannot wait to see what happens in your life over the next 365 days, and i feel privileged to be along for the ride....

happiest of birthdays, my dear. i hope that you are filled to overflowing with how much you are known, loved, and prized. here's to your 34th year!! onward and upward....

Friday, September 01, 2006

one year

it was a thursday night and we were in the middle of an all-too-frequently-happening-lately argument. you looked at me without any emotion and told me that you didn't care enough to work on the relationship anymore. to be honest, i thought you had lost your mind. i mean, really. i had heard of this happening: a friend's boyfriend once had a psychotic split, completely shut down from her, left home, and wound up 30 miles away wandering around an access road at the airport. i wondered if the look on your face was indicating that something inside of you had turned like that.

the next 24 hours were a complete haze. in fact, whole days disappeared from me; i didn't sleep. couldn't eat. i didn't know what to think or how to feel or what to say to anyone - about anything. i was confused and sad and a million other things. i wrote cryptic blog posts about my heart being broken. i felt broken. i was broken.

but then in the midst of that breaking - mostly in the shower, where all truly important things have occurred to me - God revealed something to me: i was all right. i was good. i had already come so much farther than even i knew. and furthermore, He wanted more for me than what our relationship had become in my life. heck, if i was being honest with myself, i wanted more, too.

and with each week that passed, more of me got put back together but now the pieces fit together differently, and the emerging product was me, but a new version....better....more true to form.

some days i regret you; other days i don't know how to feel. this is one of those days. mixed emotions are what define my looking back. but overall, i'm not sorry. not in the least. i had to be where we were to get to where i am now. and, for as much as i loved you - which was a lot - i feared it would always be me walking two or three or more steps ahead of you...always being the one to save you...always being the one to prop you up when you 'couldn't handle' things. now, i just feel relief that i'll never have to know for sure.

so, maybe someday i'll thank you for leaving, for giving me a chance at actually being loved in a way that means forever, for giving someone else the opportunity to appreciate the things about me that you never seemed to see, for helping me to know what i don't deserve - but more importantly what i do. maybe i'll sit down and write you a letter and say all of this to you.

then again, maybe i just did.