Thursday, November 10, 2005

somewhere behind the gray

as i sit at my desk and write this entry, the sky is filled with clouds. seriously, i look up and it is gray, gray, gray - so dank and depressing....but then there is this one small corner, behind which i can see that there's sun. the blue is peeking out, as if to remind me see? i'm still here. even if you can't see me, i haven't gone anywhere....

i'm reading this book right now, and i have to say: it's knocking my socks off. God is really using the words on these pages to speak to someplace deep inside of me, and i have to admit - it's hard to keep my eyes from welling up as i read each chapter. see, i've realized some things over the last couple of weeks, one of which is that i am on a quest to really find a part of myself that went missing about 26 years ago. that's a long time for something to be gone - so much so that no one would blame me if i just let it go and didn't stop to look back.

but it's not a matter of what i could do; it's a matter of what i WILL do. for the last five years, i've been looking for something, but i wasn't sure what exactly. now i have a vision for this un-nameable thing, a picture in my mind - if you will - so that when i see it, i will know it without question.

it must be this way. i am on a bullet train towards understanding, and even though there are times that get depressing and on days like today, it's looking like rain, i fully believe with my whole heart that the sun is gonna shine again....

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