these days, when i come back at night to an empty apartment, i practice walking around in the dark, if only to prove to myself that i know the way from one room to the next. i sense the walls, the couch, the lamp, the CD rack. i feel when i am closed in and when i'm surrounded by nothing. clearly, this is me throwing myself a bone: it's the one area in which i get to choose whether there is light for my path.
if only i had control of the light switch for the rest of my life....
this afternoon, i went with salimah and a friend from her poetry group to the play the last five years (playing at the everyman theatre). it was a musical and for some reason, salimah had it in her head that it was largely a comedy, despite the fact that the plot involved a breakup. i went expecting to be amused, or at the very least not depressed.
um, yeah. musical or no, this show was decidedly uncomedic in nature. in fact, there were points at which i had to fight back tears -- the song lyrics were that eerily similar to my own existence over the last month or so.
it was hard not to feel the room spinning out of control while i sat there in the dark, wondering why i had agreed to go. oh, don't get me wrong: it was a well-done production. and even despite the subject matter, i enjoyed it...but it was presenting quite the challenge to avoid the line of thought that this was, in essence, some cruel joke i had played on myself.
and i'm not going to even go into the reading material that seemed to present itself EVERYWHERE at the barnes and noble this evening. yeah, okay, so i'm sure you can figure out what its primary focus was....
anyhoo, the point is this: i'm confused. i feel uncertain. i'm at some points sad (like right now, for instance). i'm not avoiding, but i also sense that i'm sort of sliding along the surface of what, i know, is a deeper well of hurt. i do dip in my toes every so often, but not all at once, because i'm trying to be kind to myself as much as possible.
i don't know what my future holds. i don't know what happens next. i DO feel like i'm walking around in the dark much of the time, except that one message (books and plays aside) keeps showing up in my heart more than any other: trust God.
and so i must, even though i'm scared and weary and feeling very vulnerable and at times raw with emotion. i must trust that these steps i'm taking will cover more ground than even i can anticipate. and that when my path is lit with understanding, i'll see so clearly how my heart has changed. and i'll be better for it. more able to love God. more open to loving others. less hurt. less afraid.
i can't see ahead of me, God. but i know You're there. help me to know You're here now, too. help me to lay fear aside, to be willing to answer when You call, to know that You are for me, that you are building and not tearing down, that You are healing what was broken, that You are lighting what was dark.
all in due time, i suppose. i must be patient, learn to wait. but meanwhile? i keep practicing....
'now faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.'