Sunday, September 11, 2005

rough places plain

you know, it's funny. i realized yesterday that i actually don't know what to think about much anymore. everything looks different to me right now, and i seem to have been given the task of redefining my surroundings. except one problem exists: i've been unsure what lexicon to use.

when the bottom drops out of your world, you have a few options. you can let yourself fall into the abyss; you can cling like hell to what you know and doggedly refuse to change; or you can cling for a time to what comforts you (enough to get through the stomach upset and heart palpitations phase) and then you can choose to do things differently the next time around.

it hit me just now as i was in the shower, the beads of steam forming on the glass of the door that held me in: i've been given a chance to make a second impression on my life, and i can either take it or i can disappear inside myself forever. it's clear to me that i have been making some decisions over the last 5 years that have rendered me stagnant (yes, even despite gargantuan change and upheaval), and if things had continued on their path, i might never have moved to the left or to the right.

the plans of God may be straight when looking at them in retrospect, but along the journey, you feel palpably the hills and low places, clear thoroughfares and brambled pathways on which you tread. the way is so often unknown to us and that is why faith is required to make the trip. i need more of it. i need it every minute of every day.

i see now what it means to live a life that is out of focus and meandering. i see how fear can masquerade as stability. i see that love doesn't settle, doesn't change, doesn't fail. i don't know the way, Lord, but i know now - i see now - that i'll get there.

1 comment:

Amber said...

this is right on the mark, sarah. you've got it. now you know i'll be here to help you remember should you ever forget again, but keep going!