Tuesday, September 27, 2005

life being beautiful

i'm sitting here in a relatively dark room - except for one small bulb lit in my medusa-esque floor lamp. i can smell the chicken legs that i schmeared with apple butter bbq sauce before throwing them in a hot oven. also sizzling in there is some corn and broccoli mixed together with a bit of canola spray. nothing too exciting, but it's still dinner. i'm trying to simplify my life just now....

i had a really nonproductive day at work; i couldn't seem to focus. that happens sometimes, often without warning, and when it does, it's brutal. but no matter; tomorrow is another day!

after work, i went to the cockeysville library, got a baltimore county library card, and checked out some nice selections, including several books and comedy routines on CD (for the road trip!), some cookbooks, and a health/fitness-related new arrival. oh wait - the pi├Ęce de resistance: a DVD of julia child's 'the french chef' from her series on pbs. i'm very excited to check this out:).

okay, but all of the above is just news. what i REALLY want to say is that i've been pondering those types of people who have that picturesque kind of life. i know they're out there, that they really DO exist. what's even more interesting - and both heartening and disappointing all at once - is that they often have sub-lives filled with all kinds of stuff that you'd never know (i mean, who doesn't, really?). but part of the game plan of having a picturesque life is that nothing - no matter how horrid or heartwrenching - can ruin the image of it all. it must be an awful lot of work.

then again, i may also have fallen into abject cynicism about all of that....

because really, at the end of the day, i'd love to have a life that fit into a 30-minute sitcom. i'd love for all my dramas to work themselves out in 24 minutes (commercials, people!), for the relationships to heal after a helpful 'talk,' and for everyone to be their witty, charming selves. and you might be thinking: would it be interesting enough? sure, why not?! as long as the script writers were good enough, of course....

i'd also love for my relationships to be more constant, my family life to have been more secure, my problems a bit more whitewashed. i'd love to sit around a fire with my parents, the love of my life, and perhaps a non-shedding pet and talk about how grand things are, how much we all adore one another, and whether or not that family vacation should be to new england or the beach.

it never really works out that way, though, does it? well, except for that picturesque ilk (not that i would know)....

what life is is mucky, pain-filled, silly, funny, maddening, unpredictable, boring, mundane, interesting, scary, and way - WAY - outside the box. and even though it might be 'simpler' in many ways to wrap things up before next week's episode, there's a part of me that's glad there's more to find out every day, every hour, every minute. that there's dinner in the oven and the bathroom to clean. phone calls that even the writers couldn't have planned. tears that rush in when no one's looking. a quick nap in front of the tv. a hug from my dad. dreams to map out. diets to start and restart and restart again.

it's messy. it's ugly. and it's beautiful.

all day.

every day.


Anonymous said...

As much as I enjoy a good situation comedy with canned jokes and tidy resolutions, the endings that leave you hanging, that are open-ended are the ones with all the possibility. In many ways, though,your life has all the elements for a good tv show. Take one unfulfilling job, mix in a best friend, guy trouble, and an arch-enemy and voila! Recipe for laughter and pathos. You are the only star of the Sarah Show. If your life was a television program, I think it would be called "Who Am I Kidding?" b/c that would be your character's catch phrase.


Sarah1787 said...

I agree with you Sarah, Life is beautiful. True, some shows on television today do seem more appealing but then you have to think...Are they stuck there, in that television screen all day? Waiting for their time slot to come on and act out the show...Or are they acting that same show all day everyday until the next one comes on? o_O It's a lil scurry...lol Anyways, my point was, our lives have so many more dimensions and angles, trials and errors, that like Salimah said, Our lives could be a television program. Well, I am sorry for just popping in and putting in my two cents, but I read a few of your blog entries, after stumbling onto them by mistake, and really enjoyed them. So, in a moment of pure genius! *light bulb flashes* I decided to write you a comment. And now that I've finished babbling...lol...I'll leave you to your day.

Sarah =D