Saturday, September 17, 2005

arise
(isaiah 60)

this morning, i awoke at the same time as i do every day - 6:15. in truth, my body was hoping to get up even earlier, but i was in staunch refusal mode. but, when the alarm (errantly set for a saturday morning) went off, i knew my time of resting was over for good.

so, i got up and showered and now i'm sitting here, clean as a whistle, feeling like writing my thoughts out into the world.

i've been thinking a lot about how people drift in and out of your life - sometimes as if by accident, sometimes with such a strong sense of purpose behind their actions, you cannot conceive of their presence (or absence, as the case may be) NOT being dictated by a very specific plan. my life has been marked by a lot of loss, and for years, i wondered to the point of distraction why this has always been the case.

but then i realized something: if you are someone who feels things intensely, you will always notice the everyday losses more than others might. and upon examination, you will have added up your losses and taken account and realized just how much there IS to lose. others, who have no interest in pondering such notions, are able to go through living, take things as they come, and maybe it just doesn't go that deep for them. and that's okay, because we're not all meant to be such intense creatures.

and to be honest, that level of intensity doesn't always help one to have perspective on life, the world, relationships. and i've recognized in myself - in recent years - that i'm slowly coming back to the middle, as it were. i'm trying to learn to hold things more loosely (but not as though they weren't important). it's just best not to stake your life on any person, on any relationship, on any hope or dream or notion of a dream.

and as the losses come, they still affect me - to be sure - but somehow i can look back on them and see that they weren't a personal affront, not some great 'cosmic joke' being played on me, or my 'punishment' for not doing things as i ought. instead, they're actually the primary vehicle in my life that God has used to build me up, to help me endure. the colossal disappointments can either beat you down or make you stronger (as the old adage submits). and i'm at a place in my life where i have no intention of lying down and just accepting my 'fate.' i'm far more interested in living, growing, changing, engaging, and giving of myself - EVEN if that means getting hurt along the way.

it's worth it to get up in the morning, to see another day come to fruition...another day, with all its hurts and uncertainties, fears and triumphs. it makes me smile now, because i know that God is building something...

me.

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