Saturday, July 30, 2005

this is me

i'm not sure if it's safe to say this or not, but i think i'm having a slight existential crisis. i can't explain it, really, but i feel like the emotions of my life are flashing before my heart and overwhelming me. and when i say life, i mean whole life.

this morning, as i was sorting through papers, i found some things that reminded me of the late 90s and frankly, the sadness was almost too much to bear. i don't know what's wrong with me; my life is fairly settled right now and i'm moving ahead, but it's as if regrets and memories of what could have been were sweeter than what is.

i have news for the world. hindsight is not always 20/20. sometimes, in looking back (even at our own misery) we don those all-too-familiar rose-colored glasses, grab a cocktail and some snacks, and sit back to enjoy a few moments or hours or years of blinded bliss.

that ain't my style.

and so what to do with all this stuff? well, for one thing, i threw a lot of things out today. letters i had written to God, to boys, to friends about boys. i don't want any of that trailing around behind me leaving its mark on my memories. those feelings have helped shape the person i've become, but they are not what define who i am today.

who am i?

well, for one thing, i'm 30 now. but i'll be honest: i'm still trying to figure all that out. let me take some deep breaths; i'll get back to you on that one....

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I know what you mean about hindsight not always being 20/20. There are still periods in my life that seem distilled and suspended above the rest of my life, in this place of elusive perfection... and I often wonder why I didn't know these times were perfect while I was living them... It's because they weren't. In any case, here's to moving on. Here's to now. Believe it or not, there will be a time when you look back at the present, and maybe think "ah, those days were so sweet..." this is all reminding me of a line from a Li-young Lee poem, "I wish we hadn't hated those years while we lived them..."