Saturday, July 30, 2005

this is me

i'm not sure if it's safe to say this or not, but i think i'm having a slight existential crisis. i can't explain it, really, but i feel like the emotions of my life are flashing before my heart and overwhelming me. and when i say life, i mean whole life.

this morning, as i was sorting through papers, i found some things that reminded me of the late 90s and frankly, the sadness was almost too much to bear. i don't know what's wrong with me; my life is fairly settled right now and i'm moving ahead, but it's as if regrets and memories of what could have been were sweeter than what is.

i have news for the world. hindsight is not always 20/20. sometimes, in looking back (even at our own misery) we don those all-too-familiar rose-colored glasses, grab a cocktail and some snacks, and sit back to enjoy a few moments or hours or years of blinded bliss.

that ain't my style.

and so what to do with all this stuff? well, for one thing, i threw a lot of things out today. letters i had written to God, to boys, to friends about boys. i don't want any of that trailing around behind me leaving its mark on my memories. those feelings have helped shape the person i've become, but they are not what define who i am today.

who am i?

well, for one thing, i'm 30 now. but i'll be honest: i'm still trying to figure all that out. let me take some deep breaths; i'll get back to you on that one....

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


1. i am typing from a new-to-me desk with a new-to-me computer (my laptop is cracked and needs to be retired).
2. i have a new roommate (and it's a boy!) ;)
3. i've finally set up the new ipod mini that salimah gave me for my birthday; it's silver and lovely:).
4. wednesday, when i return to work after a brief working-at-home hiatus, i will sit in a new cubicle in a new location.
5. i have newly discovered beth nielsen chapman and i'm liking what i hear so far....
6. michael got a new job and even though it's part-time, it includes benefits!!
7. God's mercies are still new every morning; for that, i am supremely thankful.

that last one was by far the most important....

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

in absentia

*tap, tap*

is this thing on??

okay, so admittedly, i've been missing in action lately. sorry 'bout that, people. the reason i am about to give you for my absence is stupid, but it's the only one i've got: i haven't gotten around to downloading pics off my camera from my 30th birthday and i've been waiting to do a birthday recap post. there, i said it. i feel like a dweebo. it's been almost 3 weeks since my birthday, and i haven't even managed to turn on the camera and plug it into my computer.

so you may be wondering why that is....

well, there are myriad reasons, but the most compelling one is that i've been packing michael's stuff and getting ready to move him into my second bedroom for the time being. the bottom line is that rent is too much for me, it was too much for him, he didn't want to re-up his lease in his pathetically bad apartment complex, and i'm on a month-to-month, which affords the flexibility of being able to give 30 days' notice and mosey on to the next adventure. he's wanting to take auditions as they come, and if he gets a job, he needs to be free to take it (and i need to be free to go with him). so that's that. my office is disappearing into my bedroom, and the second bathroom (that hardly gets any use, except when salimah's staying over) will be getting some air time on a permanent basis.

today after work we went shopping for shared groceries. it was definitely a strange feeling, but i'll be honest: i'm really looking forward to forking over less money on a monthly basis. maybe now i can actually work at paying down some of my debt and having enough money for car insurance every month!!

so that's primarily what's up with me. sure, there's more going on than that, but it'll have to wait for another time. i've gotta go make dinner - turkey sausage and peppers. but next time, there will be photos. and it won't take me another three weeks to touch base.