Friday, October 29, 2004

the rest of the story.... (a.k.a. 'how i almost punched a triage nurse in the face')

first, let me say - to those of you who have been praying and have called or written to wish me well - thank you SO much!!

okay, so here's the deal. basically, early tuesday morning (5:45 a.m.), i was in my bed, fast asleep, when suddenly i was awakened by what felt like a bad leg cramp. as i rolled over to throw myself out of bed (in an attempt to walk it off), i felt something pop in the back of my knee and the pain nearly crippled me.

i spent the next several minutes writhing and moaning in pain, praying to God to help me, and wondering if i should call an ambulance (yes, the pain was that bad). eventually, i hobbled over to the bathroom and got immediately in the shower (hoping that the hot water would calm the muscle spasms - it didn't). when that proved futile, i limped back into my room and left michael a message on his voice mail, telling him i was scared and needed help. then i called salimah and whined pitifully into the phone while my leg continued to spasm and twitch. agony, i tell you.

anyway, long story short, i went to an urgent care facility where i was told that it could be a blood clot (even though it seemed doubtful to me, but whatever) and that i needed to go to the ER for a venous doppler (ultrasound) test.

michael and i went over to the hospital and arrived at around 10 a.m.. we sat in the waiting room for over FOUR HOURS (i will spare you the details of my aggravation and near fight with the triage nurse), and then i was taken back into a room where i waited for another hour or more. eventually, a rather groggy-looking doctor came in, examined me, and then sent me upstairs to get my ultrasound.

after much more sitting around and being wheeled through the hospital on a stretcher (made me dizzy), i had a very pleasant - although painful - experience with the ultrasound tech (who was required, unfortunately, to press her ultrasound device rather harshly into my thigh in various places). the test was normal, though, so it was worth the discomfort...and as an added bonus, i got to see my veins do their job (technology is way cool!). the doppler was like a weather map inside my body - flowing dots of color....the storm of life raging through my veins.

by this point, i had already taken a muscle relaxant and was starting to feel rather 'loopy.' i had to wait in the hall for another 40 minutes before some people came to take me back to the ER, but once i was there again, they made relatively quick work of getting me out of there.

michael and i went by my office to pick up some work (just in case) and then out for dinner. at this point, it was after 6:30 and neither of us had eaten since 7:15 that morning. we had a delicious mexican dinner at the little place up the street from me (what a find!), although i will admit that i barely remember any of it. by the time we left there, my eyes were practically rolling back in my head.

we went back to my house and i brushed my teeth and crawled into bed. michael rubbed my leg for awhile and sat with me before tucking me in and leaving me to enjoy my stupor. at some point after that, salimah called me, but i have no real memory of the phone call. apparently, i answered most of my questions with a 'hmmmm?' or 'hhoooooo?'

so, four days later, i'm still rather sore and still cooped up in my house, but i'm starting to get better, and i'm excited to be getting back into the swing of things. i'm not entirely sure what this whole experience was all about, but in the midst of it, i've gotten to spend some nice time with the boy. i must say, though...i kind of wish i didn't have to hurt so much in the process....

but hey, that's life. a bit of pain, a dose of happiness, and maybe a dash of oprah thrown in for good measure.:)

Thursday, October 28, 2004


i spent all of tuesday at the hospital in the ER. my leg hurts too much now to sit here and tell you all about it, but suffice it to say that i sustained an injury and have been on muscle relaxants and bed rest ever since.

so if anyone in the area feels like coming over and cheering me up, give me a shout out;).

Monday, October 25, 2004

if i wrote you a letter, it would say this:

today was less than stellar. i wound up having to stay at work for a total of 11.5 hours so that i could finish up a project before tomorrow morning. technically i didn't have to stay, but the thought of having to extend the editing of this reprint for another day was making me want to cry. i was the last to leave the office at 7 and the darkness enveloped me as i left the building.

you can't imagine how alone i felt in that moment, walking to my car in the darkened parking lot. even the dashboard lights didn't seem as bright tonight. the night was insistent, unyielding.

and was it an accident that while i drove down the highway towards my empty apartment, all the songs spoke of waiting and longing and wanting something other than what is now? i don't think so. i said this to you already, but it is the feeling of not belonging that is truly maddening. the realization that, in the midst of many, you're the only one there....and in the company of new friends, you still feel that you don't quite fit.

but the memory of your arms around me - with only the light from the kitchen casting shadows on the wall - warms me, even in my sadness. the truth is, i don't want to be anywhere else but with you.

with you, i know where i belong.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

the fairy tale myth

yesterday and this morning, i watched two movies based on the tale of cinderella: 'ella enchanted' and 'a cinderella story.' first, let me say that, yes, i subjected myself to hilary duff for 95 long minutes. and was it worth it? notsomuch.

but here's the thing: it's important to recognize that, throughout the history of film, we have had portrayals of these magic-moments-type romances thrown upon the big screen to entice our hearts and our minds toward believing that it's really supposed to happen that way. and even in our so-called 'reality' fixated society, we're still neck deep in fantasy. look at the way we live our lives: there are more and more methods of escape available to us, and we, as a culture, buy into each and every one of them. Internet chat rooms, pornography, 'virtual reality' games, drug-filled raves...the list goes on and on. and sure, some people might say that all of that crap is focused more on 'the young.' well, yeah, why not pollute the minds of children so that they're all good and fantasy-addicted before they're even 18? but also, have you seen how many adults buy into all that stuff as well?

okay, well i digress....

anyway, the point is that the fairy tale, to me, is largely empty. these people don't KNOW each other. they meet, stars collide, hearts swoon, and bam, in 95 minutes, they're in love and everything's perfect. news flash, kids: the real world doesn't work that way. if my life were a movie, it would largely be about resolving conflicts, having hard conversations, struggling to be patient, feeling frustrated, and battling confusion at every turn. but oh yes, there would be moments of sweetness woven throughout. moments of real joy and laughter and understanding and lots of hugs and sighs of relief.

and to me, that kind of story is one that catches my eye, because it's not so prescripted that i can see the ending before we even begin. my story is a lot more suspenseful - at times, terrifying - and the dialogue, while interesting, is far from any movie script.

so i'll take the anti-fairy tale, please. sure, it's fun to divert one's attention for awhile, but real life must always reign supreme. what's the use in drowning the cares of the world for the sake of a few moments of 'bliss,' when true life will be there to smack you in the face once you wake up from your happy coma? i prefer to remain in the muck so that i can really enjoy the sun when the skies do clear. it's much more authentic that way. no movie sets for me.

one question still remains unanswered, however: will this princess get her guy in the end and live happily ever after?

i guess you'll have to keep watching the story unfold to find out....

Thursday, October 21, 2004

fits and starts

every time i have purposed in my mind to write in this blog, something has stymied that wanting. i am, more than ever, noncommittal to the notion of putting my thoughts down on, screen. it's nothing personal, dear blog readers (all precious few of you). it's just that i've been out living my life, learning to open up my heart a bit more, and taking a lot of decongestants:). (okay, so the decongestants didn't really have anything to do with it, but it's still true, nevertheless.)

things have been going pretty well with me, save this pesky virus/cold/thing that still lingers a bit and makes me very tired some days. but relationships at work are building, michael and i are growing ever closer, and i am gearing up for the holidays and lots of cooking and spending time with friends and family.

fall rocks. it holds within its hand the promise that at some point, after the hardness of winter, new life will spring up new and green and altogether forward-thinking. but in the meantime, it's all about nesting and snuggling and being shielded from the cold. oh, and did i mention soup?:) yes, we like soup and sandwiches on crusty bread (yay, panera!) and leaves crunching and turtlenecks and cocoa and pumpkins.

winter, hold yourself back. i want to enjoy this changing time - fits and all:)

Thursday, October 07, 2004

nothing like the sun

the truth is that, in the human hearts of this world, there are just some places that are dark. they always have been, and perhaps they always will be. and no amount of counseling, anti-depressants, and self-help books will ever change that. the only thing...and i stress, the only thing that will go into those places and make them as day is the Holy Spirit. it is as if God, who is light, is a magnet to the darkness, in that one cannot help but be lit if He comes your way and gets under your skin.

all of this occurred to me today on a deeper level when someone who is normally rather happy began cursing almost out of nowhere in reaction to something i said (cursing not at me, but about the situation). a seed of bitterness rising up out of her heart's soil and blooming - in that instant - into a flower of anger.

i'm shocked that i was surprised by it, but it amazed me. and yet i know, having said that, there are still places in my own heart that could produce a garden. and i cannot weed that crap out myself. nothing but the light will do.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

don't cry for me, dear blog readers....

the truth is i never left you. the other truth is that i'm not evita, so i'm going to cut that out.

okay, so let me sum up the events of the last week. here they are, in whatever order i type them:

1. i had a rental car from thursday the 23rd until this thursday because of ONE LITTLE THING WRONG in my car that the dealership was having trouble fixing. and the real kicker? it's mostly fixed, but not 100%.

2. tuesday, during the storm from hell (sorry, but it pretty much was), i was driving said rental car out of my work parking lot and just as i was about to make a right turn across the light rail tracks (which, incidentally, run parallel to my building and the road leading away from my building), the force of the wind and rain caused the wires over the train to CATCH ON FIRE and sparks SHOT IN THE AIR. but it was hard to see this, really, since the rain was driving down so hard, it was really obstructing my vision. and then, to add to the obstruction, after the FLAMES SHOT IN THE AIR, the entire road was ENGULFED IN CHEMICAL-BURN-SMELLING SMOKE and i could not see beyond my windshield. so what did i do? prayed to Jesus and made a completely blind three-point turn and headed back to my job. like i said, i couldn't see at all, but i didn't know if that train was about to blow up or something, so my one chance at safety - i thought - was to go back to work. so i make it back to the building, look down at the floor of the car, and realize that my RENTAL CAR IS FLOODED. who knows if it was like this when i got in, or if driving around through the rushing waters on the roads made it flood. either way. me not happy.

incidentally, i did make it home safely - about an hour and a half later than i should have. no worries.

3. CNN was supposed to show up at my office on wednesday. they didn't come, however, because they got held up and/or took a wrong turn or some such nonsense. on the bright side, however, our office is looking mighty spiffy and i got a bookshelf in my cubicle:).

4. michael has pneumonia.

5. i now have a temperature and tightness in my chest and i'm feeling very achy. i wonder if the fact that i got rather wet on tuesday (see #2) is contributing to any of this.

6. oy.

7. please pray for me.

i'm off to bed early tonight. oh, and no disrespect to madonna or anything, but eva peron, she ain't.