Sunday, May 30, 2004

if you had told me then, i would not have believed you....

about once a week, in a random moment, i find myself reviewing the geography of my life over the last five years. like, for instance, how in may of '99, i was SO over this town. it seemed fortuitous, then, that salimah and i, after both feeling led to move to gaithersburg to become part of a church, packed up all our belongings and left baltimore (i thought, perhaps, for good). and then, by summer of that same year, how i had already started to feel the pit in the center of my stomach, fearing a bad decision had been made. but in my stubbornness, i refused to believe this and pushed forward with my dream of fitting in at this place and finding a husband there and settling down with our children for the rest of our lives.

and how i was some degree of unemployed for months on end. and how we had no food in the cabinets and how it was a LITERAL miracle that my bills got paid.

and how, even after two full years of trying to make things work - even after getting decent jobs and a better place to live - everything still felt wrong.

and so, after three years of what now to me feels like exile, we returned to charm city (whether or not for good, who knows). and my lungs opened up and let me breathe again.

it is no wonder to me that every time i drive back into monty county, i begin to feel a kind of sick washing over me. it is not that i regret leaving baltimore the first time. i think that, ultimately, it had to happen for a LOT of other things to be brought about in my life. and for that, i am immeasurably grateful. but still, if i am being honest, i will admit that there are a lot of experiences that i had down there that i would, if i could, take back and erase from my memory. and in my heart, i do not ever want to live there again.

but today, i will drive there with salimah to meet up with two of the small handful of pleasant memories that came out of that experience. and then later, i will return to the one home i really feel i have at this point. and i don't just mean my apartment. my life is here. my heart is here. even in uncertainty, i want to be here. at least for now....

Sunday, May 23, 2004

dirge

i could not extract myself from the hot shower just now. i mean, really, i tried, but it kept pulling me back into its comfort. it is the only place these days where i feel i can think clearly. everything occurs to me in that little 'room' of walls and glass. i pray. He speaks. i listen. i feel....

and so it was that, under that river of clean, i began to think about death and how its occurence is necessary for anything to truly live. i find it so beautiful and fitting that it is the decay of mulch and fertilizer that produces such radiant flowers, vegetables, and other growing things....the sacrifice now that yields the beauty then.

and, in a way, it is the dying of our child-selves that makes room for the emergence of who we are as grown people. but it isn't as though we become something wholly new. there are still shadows of our 'former' selves lingering around, waiting for an opportune moment to peek in and remind us of the place from which we came.

it occurs to me that not everyone experiences this death in the same way. some people have such a gradual progression into adulthood that the transition is seamless and without effect. others have age and experience thrust upon them and they are left to grieve and mourn the loss of innocence taken too soon. some people are living with one foot in either world at all times.

as for me, i don't know that i was ever really that young....i mean, i know i was, but i have felt the weight of anxiety and typically 'adult' concerns pressing into my heart since i was probably 4 or 5 years of age. and now, as an almost 30-year old, i live in a world that i'm desiring to see through those young eyes...to gain the perspective that was never mine to lose.

when i came to know Christ, there were parts of me that experienced immediate finality...a new life had been birthed inside my soul, and it was necessary for some ways and thoughts to die in order to make room for what had begun. God, i feel that i need a refresher course in dying. i want to see what you see. i want to live wholly and without regret. i want to be pushed deep into the earth, only to return renewed and more beautiful than before.

so bring on the mourners; it's funeral time....

Sunday, May 16, 2004

'she's got her ticket...i think she gonna use it...think she goin' to fly away....'

when i was a little girl, the world and all of my wishes stretched out in front of me like some kind of sears & roebuck catalog; anything, it seemed, was possible...available to me. as the years have progressed, very few of my childhood dreams have come to pass and, as a result, i wound up spending my early 20s rationalizing to avoid disappointment and talking about 'some day' with this vague hope that perhaps i would have a few of the things for which i hoped (maybe even by the time i was 30?).

well, i'll be 29 soon, and i've made a decision: this IS 'some day.' i'm tired to death of talking about how things will be when i have enough money or when i'm ready or when you're ready or whatever. i'm tired of maybe i will and won't it be nice when. i'm ready for it today. i'm ready for it now.

and just to be clear: i'm not talking about impatience. i'm talking about living; i'm talking about fishing or cutting bait. i know what it's like to remain ever in the realm of the theoretical. and i'm over that.

the verdict: either get on board with what is true and let's sink our teeth into this adventure, no turning back, or get me off this train. i'm not going down this track.

not now.

not anymore.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

all i want

is to relax and feel the cool sheets on my toes and hear the fan swirl and churn the air.

is for my stomach to stop hurting and work correctly, please!

is to know that you're thinking about me tonight.

is You.

Monday, May 10, 2004

'i could while away the hours....'

while all the permanent employees on my team are in the midst of company meetings to discuss their bonuses, i'm sitting here at my desk feeling annoyed and wishing i could bust up outta here right about now. i found some jobs for which i'm going to apply, and i will admit that the prospect of something bigger and better is exciting me to the point of distraction. we'll see what happens....

my stomach is churning from nothing but some goldfish crackers for the last 24 hours. why do i do this to myself? note to me: eat dinner tonight, please!

i procured a hand-me-down entertainment center from my friend karenina this weekend. it's shorter than the stand i had my tv on before, so it has created some intimacy in my living room. very nice and understated. fits my components well.

in other news, i'm wanting to sort through some of my stuff and get rid of it. i do that once every few years, and though i wasn't due for a session anytime soon, salimah has inspired me and now i must expel. delete. expunge. you get the point.

i'll tell you what i'd rather be doing right about now: anything. no, not anything. i'll have a comfy chair (with ottoman), a lovely beverage, a favorite person, and a quiet place to rest. yes, that'll do me just fine....

Saturday, May 08, 2004

let's recap, shall we?

so yesterday, i got to leave work early, since i had finished all my weekly hours by noon. after departing the office, i drove over to this little shack for some nachos (at the recommendation of karenina) and then headed home to feast and watch some t.v.. i also had a nap in the works, after i watched oprah interview the friends, of course....

about 2 minutes into my slumber (i had dozed off during oprah), i was awakened by the news breaking into the show. they announced that 5 or 6 people had just been shot at a nearby high school and that the shooters were on the loose. i immediately snapped to, only to find that they had headed towards where i lived. within moments, i heard low-flying helicopters and began to realize that the place the suspects had ditched their vehicle was about 1 minute from my apartment.

the phone rang. it was my coworker, who also lives in this area. a few minutes later, i learned on the news that they had apprehended a possible suspect at this clothing store. hmm....why do i know that sign? i thought to myself....a few seconds later it dawns on me: the store is LITERALLY RIGHT UP THE STREET. if i walked out the front door of my building, i could practically see it. needless to say, this did not make me feel very happy.

so, as of this morning, i believe they have some people in custody. frankly, i'm not 100% sure of the latest, because after awhile yesterday, i forced myself to shut off the t.v. and stop thinking about the fact that there was a killer potentially hiding out in my neighborhood.

more importantly, i hope those students are going to be okay....

Sunday, May 02, 2004

s'wonderful

i have had such a pleasant 24 hours! yesterday, i did manage to vacuum after all, and i got all but one load of my laundry done before shona arrived around 4:30. i made a marinated chicken parmigiana with sherried mushrooms and spinach for dinner and then we watched 'a beautiful mind' and later had pecan chocolate chip cookies (break and bake all the way!) and milk.

this morning, i arose without my alarm at 7:30, showered, and had some oatmeal while working in the quiet of my dining room. my new red curtains are the best, by the way. they make me very happy:).

after shona woke up and showered, we went to toys-r-us to buy some baby shower presents for a friend and then she took me to lunch, which was delish. while there, i also bought some 9-grain bread and 2 croissants. afterwards, we were off to buy fun girl stuff and i managed to get several foot-soothing and softening products. must ready the tootsies for summer shoes!

so now i'm back home and feeling accomplished and i think i'll have a bit of a nap, do some more editing, watch the food network and then later have some leftovers for dinner.

i'm so thankful to God to have such wonderful friends with whom i can spend such relaxing times. i'm almost feeling ready to go back to work tomorrow....

*ahem*

okay, sorry...let's not get ahead of ourselves here!

Saturday, May 01, 2004

dust in the wind....

i have not vacuumed in weeks and it is starting to get unbearable in here. i tried dusting my bedroom furniture earlier and it nearly sent me into a sneeze attack. i'm running laundry and editing and thinking about running my dirt devil all around this place, but if i'm being honest, i'm not in the mood.

the good news is that my friend shona is coming to visit me today and i'm wearing a red kerchief and the breeze is blowing and i'm thinking of days gone by and clothes lines and bike rides and strawberries and laughter and tall grass and afternoons like this....

i close my eyes
only for a moment, then the moment's gone.
all my dreams
pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
dust in the wind...
all they are is dust in the wind.