Saturday, January 31, 2004


i'm really bored right now. really bored and in no way wanting to DO anything resembling chores, laundry, anything. i'm not down; i'm just unmotivated. clearly sometimes one needs a bit of an incentive.

clearly, for me, this is one of those times....

also, as a separate - but not unrelated - note, my stomach's feeling icky, so that renders me not feeling like cooking either. what i DID do today was watch cooking shows and a movie. what i'm planning on doing for the rest of the evening is editing. whoopee.

tomorrow, i'm getting up early. i cannot have another day of this kind of lethargy. it makes me tired.

Thursday, January 29, 2004


okay, so apparently the guy who invented the ctrl-alt-delete function is retiring from his job at IBM. see, why couldn't i have been the person to think up that clever little idea?

i'll tell you what concept i DID come up with a few years ago - cake (or bread) pan-sized liners. you know - like a cupcake paper (or foil) liner, except for an entire pan? someone told me later, however, that someone ELSE had already invented it. poo.

i'm serious when i tell you that i have at least one million-dollar idea a week. obviously, i checked the wrong box on the day we chose jobs. i should have filled in the one marked 'millionaire GEE-KNEE-US' (feel the drama) instead of 'underpaid editorial flunky.'

oh well.....

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

swiss miss (for salimah, who will know what i'm saying)

question: could the trees be any more beautiful with their icy coating? doubt it.

it's cold in here. but i really can't complain, because it's my own fault. i've got my blinds open so i can see the snow outside, and the window in front of my desk is a bit leaky.

i'm also very hungry. i haven't eaten yet today. i was going to make meatballs last night, but i wound up taking an accidental nap and it threw off my cooking energy. i'll try again today. i want something hearty.

in the mean time, however, i'm thinking cocoa and a 50-cent chicken pot pie, not necessarily in that particular order.

Monday, January 26, 2004

home alone....

because i know you were wondering, it's foggy and cold in venice right now.....

and outside my window are snow-flecked trees. they have not plowed my street. this shocks me in no way. tonight we're supposed to get freezing rain, with more snow to follow. i feel thankful that i brought work home with me this weekend - just in case.

last night, i roasted a couple of small red potatoes (whole) with olive oil, kosher salt, and cracked black pepper. sauteed some baby peas in a bit of butter. baked a pre-stuffed (with mango/cranberry chutney) chicken breast alongside the potatoes. nothing complicated in the least, and yet every bite of it was delicious. about halfway through my little feast, i realized that perhaps the flavor of the food was complemented by the fact that i was eating it all alone, while watching the golden globes on a sunday evening, in my tucked-away apartment (which is decidedly tidy), wrapped up in an old laura ashley comforter (very warm), with eddie bauer wool socks warming my toes. it was lovely. and cozy. and comfy. and all mine. not in a selfish way, but more in one of those what-a-delicious-moment-that-no-one-knows-about-except-me-and-God-kind of ways.

i love being with other people. love to talk and listen and share and experience alongside another. but now, halfway to 29, i am realizing that i also really like being alone. there is something so sacred about the quiet, something so delicate about the moments of decision, something so soothing about the dark and the sleep that comes.

and what can replace watching the snow blowing outside the window, but feeling the warmth inside where all is at peace and calm? and no, not just in the room. deeper inside. in there, where Life and Hope reside.

it is home.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

here's something i love:

taking a long, hot shower at night, wrapping up in a big fluffy towel and sitting at my desk to air dry while i IM and blog....feeling all my muscles relax after being pummeled by a hundred hot liquid jets and smelling my skin, clean and fresh. all i need now is some lotion, pjs, and a pillow to call my own.

thankfully, i've got about 6:)

Monday, January 19, 2004


well, no bronchial illness (see post below) has darkened my door, but even after a weekend of relative rest, i feel more tired than ever. at this point, i am fairly certain that i have some type of virus. there is no other explanation for the weariness i feel. it is not emotional; it is not spiritual. it is, however, sapping all of my energy for either of those areas of my life.

every work day for the last 6+ months, i have put in my time, because the threat of not making my daily wage has crouched at the corner of my mind. i cannot afford to make less than what i make, and so, sick or not, i drag myself out of bed and do what i need to do. i know that i must not be feeling well, because even the threat of losing a few hundred dollars is not enough to pull me into line and into focus enough to feel like i can go to work tomorrow. sure, maybe another night's rest will do the trick and i will be back in the saddle again. one can only hope. otherwise, it's bye-bye moula, hello pillow.....for reals, yo.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

i slept fitfully last night. or at least i feel like i did. i have several memories of turning over and feeling all the congestion run from one side of my head to the other. i also remember pulling the hood of my sweatshirt (in which i now sleep every night in order to keep my ears and head warm) back on after it had slipped off. i had strange dreams and when i finally emerged from my shroud at 10:30 this morning, it took me several moments to stop moaning and get out of bed. i felt sore and beaten up, not what you would call well rested.

i am now sitting at my desk waiting for two friends to arrive from gaithersburg so that we can have lunch and hang out a bit before one of them moves all the way across the country (i'll miss you, noms) this coming week. after that, i have to do some work and then i will be spending time chilling with michael, during which time we will most assuredly watch some DVDs. i need a movie fix right about now....

tomorrow, i will spend some time doing work and will then hang out with the illustrious sammie joy. we will hit the BJs for some wholesale goodies and then stir up some kind of cheap adventure, which, i hope, will involve some hors-d'oeuvres and cocktails.

i'm glad for all of it, and yet, if i'm being honest, right now i wish i could climb back into bed and sleep away my tiredness, which has settled deep into my bones and is threatening to turn the corner to something worse. i'm nearly 30; i cannot be crapping around with exhaustion and allow myself to teeter on the edge of some life-altering bronchial illness.


whatever else comes, i need rest.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

how excited am i? part deux....

because today i got 5 (one is a double) CDs in the mail! i had fulfilled my 'buy one' requirement for BMG and had failed to cash in on my freebies, so i went to the website the same day i was ordering the dvds below and got myself the following:

india arie: voyage to india
lizz wright: salt (recommended by salimah)
cross movement: holy culture
brian mcknight: u-turn
rich mullins: here in america (2CD - includes bonus DVD with rehearsal, concert, etc. footage. VERY excited about this one)

basically, i will be embarrassed to publish my list of books when they arrive. there are 15 (yikes!) of those. i am seriously digging the new music vibe. perhaps i'll actually stay awake at work tomorrow, even though it's nearly midnight and i'm in no way getting the sleep i need tonight....

also, another 2 recent additions, via salimah's christmas generosity, and to which i have been jamming out at work:

anthony hamilton: comin from where i'm from
alicia keys: the diary of alicia keys

you MUST check these two out. MUST. because if you're like me, you GOTSta have tha FUNK!

okay, i'm clearly delirious. g'night all....

Monday, January 12, 2004

how excited am i? i just got 7 (yes, 7) new DVDs since i signed up for columbia house's dvd club. of course, they're in no way costing me any kind of real money - hence the reason i got them:) here is my list, in case you were wondering:

how to lose a guy in 10 days
about a boy
anger management
mr. deeds
a beautiful mind
american beauty
cinema paradiso

*sigh* i love that last one:)

between those and the super-duper discounted books i bought this weekend from cbd, i should be set for quite awhile.....i may be giving up cable, so i need something to entertain for those moments when cleaning just isn't that interesting to me....which would be, basically, all the time.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

illuminating medusa

i got two lamps for Christmas this year. one is a pole with places for three bulbs on it, covered by a long, straight, columnar paper shade (that you can adjust to be crinkly or straightened out. very muted light, i'm guessing.

the other lamp has 5 heads that bend and will, therefore, point anywhere you need them. lots of light, multi-directional, in no way muted, i'm guessing.

of course, i wouldn't really KNOW, considering the fact that i have yet to drag my lazy butt to the store to pick up the special bulbs they both require. so until then, it's light in theory.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

dear God,

i know that if You are for me, who can be against me? please help me to remember that right now, i pray.....

Tuesday, January 06, 2004


today i got spam from the sender named 'vomit p. enthronements.' i was far too amused to even bother opening it. i am certain it was inappropriate and in no way necessary for me to see. but whatever. it entertained me for a good 30 minutes.

in other news, i love cracking my right ankle. it is like freedom to me.

and also, there is a darty-eyed man at work who is clearly a compulsive liar. the drama.

no one should be attempting to kid anyone at this point, fyi.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

elves can be dreamy....

i just got back from seeing 'return of the king.' man....what an overwhelming story. i am so thankful that i got to see all three of the movies in the theatre. the television just does not capture well a film of that magnitude. i will admit this, though: i wished it had been a bit shorter. one hour in, i already had to go to the bathroom, and it wound up being about 3 hours long. needless to say, i booked it out of there as SOON as the credits started to roll:).

but what a relief to have the story wrapped up. i do like an occasional tidy ending;)

my plans for the rest of the evening include making dinner and chilling out before an early bedtime. morning comes far too soon on mondays....

Thursday, January 01, 2004

all things new -- psalm 127:1

i rang in the new year with michael. it seemed appropriate, really, to spend that night with him. we supped on chicken tikka masala with raisins and almonds over brown rice, took a nap mid-evening, and watched dvds all night, stopping occasionally to talk or bake cookies. he slept over in my guest room so that i didn't have to drive him home late (his car has been in the shop since Christmas) and this morning, we had homemade belgian waffles, bacon, and juice for brunch before i drove him back into the city.

and now that i'm back in the silence of my apartment (i love this), i'm looking ahead to the year with a lot of hope in my heart....but not hope in any person, circumstance, or thing....hope because i know that God is IN my life, in all the details, in every moment, in my messes and my triumphs. He has been working all this time, in the complex and multi-faceted unfolding of my story. i know that wherever i land, with whomever i spend my time, i am taken care of. i am safe and secure.

at the end of last year, i remember praying, God, please let this year bring change....something new. i cannot take another 365 days of breathing with this much of an ache in my heart.

my life continues to testify to the answering of that prayer. let's recap:

God lifted me out of a completely life-halting depression, led me into a job almost unceremoniously and yet just at the right time, provided for my finances in such a way that i could move out on my own, gave me a beautiful apartment in a nice, convenient area with more than enough space to spread out and breathe, allowed me to take a stand and set clear and healthy boundaries in all of my relationships, and healed my heart of SO much hurt and shame. i am a changed woman as i sit here today. changed forever. by Him and for Him.

and now i have begun a new project for a new year: i am preparing a home. and i do not just mean a physical location. it is the opening of my heart, the awaiting that which is coming, the ushering in of joy.

i am the home.