Friday, October 31, 2003

still here....

i know it’s been awhile since i’ve blogged. for those of you who don’t yet know this, i’ve been in the process of moving. the official day was last saturday. i’m pleased to announce that things went off relatively without a hitch. i had a lot of help, and my new place is big and great and all mine. now all i need is some living room furniture:)

i’m sitting here in my office/2nd bedroom looking out the window at the crows flying overhead. it’s a bright, clear day here and the yellow/orange tree outside my window is bursting with color in the morning sun.

trees. who remembered them? and leaves. and grass. GREEN. there is nothing green in the city. and there is nothing quiet. to me, it is DISARMINGLY quiet here. there are no trucks slamming up the street, no sirens wailing into the night, no hookers’ theatrics. just the creak of the floorboards and the sound of my breath going in and out. i lie in bed at night and it is so dark. what a concept....

*******************************

i am stunned at all that the last several months has brought into my life. i never would have imagined that i would come so far in such a short amount of time. i sit and chuckle to myself some days that if the people at my job knew just how messed up i was - not even that long ago - they never would have taken me on....too much of a risk, i’m sure. but that’s how it is with God. He takes that which we see as being impossible and makes it happen. He is all about the underdog, the impossible scenario, the broken and failing dream that just needs a little help to pick itself up and move forward.

sure enough, He took my penniless, jobless, hopeless self and flipped everything upside down. He removed my melancholy, He lifted my head, He replanted hope in my heart. and i am ready now for what comes next. i am looking ahead, with His promises tucked away in my heart. i have a bit of space and the air here is clear enough for me to sort things through....

and soon, even the boxes will be unpacked and the shards of exile will be swept into the garbage.

and so i begin again....each day, again.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

conclusion

i'm just wondering if i need to come to terms with some things right now. doors are closing around me. answers come, almost as an afterthought. is the answer i've been fearing arriving in the same way here? maybe at the end of this road, this door, too, shall close.....?

and i have to admit: i'm not feeling that 'when God closes a door, He opens a window' vibe here either.

sometimes faith is called for...the evidence of that which is not seen. but then again, sometimes seeing is what makes things clear.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

'cuz if you gots the poison, i gots the remedy....the remedy is the experience. it is a dangerous liaison'

frankly, i'm a nervous wreck. but i'm still holding my own. the reason? i keep throwing myself on God's mercy and having oases of trust before picking myself up and flinging myself across the searing coals of anxiety.

ah....the drama of it all....

in all seriousness, i feel convicted of my lack of trust in God of late. enough help to move all my stuff. enough money to pay all my bills. enough sanity to make it through this next print deadline. these are the things that have been churning my stomach into a stormy mess. but i don't want it to be that way. i want to lay it all at Jesus's feet and ask Him to bear my burdens. i'm clearly incapable of holding down the fort. so what else is new?

i'm so looking forward to spending an actual night in my new place. washing clothes in my own laundry room off the kitchen. cooking with all my pots and pans that have been in exile. *sigh* only 3 more days....

jason mraz said it all......

'i....i won't worry my life away....'

that is, if Jesus helps me to not be me anymore.....:)

Thursday, October 16, 2003

to say the least....

'sarah, we're going to have to pull a thelma and louise....hold hands and drive over a cliff.....'
- salimah, 10:20 a.m.

things at work are a little stressful right now.....

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

a whiter shade of pale....

we just had an hour-long meeting to discuss the future of our curriculum project. i nearly passed out when, not 5 minutes into the whole situation, 'the boss' started talking about financial cut-backs. oh dear Jesus, i thought, i just signed my one-year lease! the good news, however, is that it doesn't seem to involve me at this point. the really good news is that this stuff is still plagued with errors. that, my friends, is where i come in!!

in other news, i am moving in a week and a half into a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment on the outskirts of the city....alone! needless to say, i am rather thrilled about it. perhaps it also bears mentioning that i'm a little scared. it's been a long time since i've dropped this much cash on a regular basis. it's been a long time since i lived alone. it's been a long time since i had to take care of everything...just me.

*breathes deeply*

i'm okay....really. or at least, i will be....

i think.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

changing

tomorrow morning, i'll drive to virginia for my 10-year high school reunion. if i'm being honest, i'm not looking forward to going. i am going, though....i promised a friend.

the last 10 years haven't been particularly easy, or filled with much happiness or outward success....but i've changed. i've grown - a lot. i've walked through much darkness and heartache. but no one would know that just by seeing me....

people judge you by your job, your looks, your marital status....not by whether or not your shoes have seen miles and miles of road, not by whether your heart has loved and lost, not by whether you're better now - on the inside - than you've ever been before.

so, sure, i haven't made my first million (ha!), bought my first house, had my first child (or my first [read: only] husband), but since last seeing many of these people, i've met the Lord of the universe....i've seen people's lives - my own life - changed by the truth of His love....i've longed for more than this world could ever give me. i've had empty pockets, swollen eyes, and a full heart. the fires have come and not burned me; the waters have washed over me and i have not drowned. i've covered a lot of ground, even in the last year. but you wouldn't KNOW that by looking at me. nothing has changed, really.

except for the hope in my heart.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

uh oh....

yesterday, i awoke feeling gross, but i went to work anyway and put in a long day. since, by the end of the day, i didn't feel any worse (and was even starting to feel a bit better), i ate dinner last night out at the austin grill (steak and some veggies). i had already decided before leaving work yesterday that, due to the chunk of editing i would need to get done today, i would just plan on staying home to work (where i am always more productive). i thank GOD that i did, because throughout the course of the day today i have felt much worse:(. i managed to remain relatively productive (also God's mercy), but i've also been in a total haze; i feel extremely week and nauseated and as though i'm floating somewhere outside myself.

i AM going on the retreat this weekend; this is not the time for illness. God, won't you please intervene?!

note to self: one of the most spiritually-productive retreats of your life came after a phantom illness that almost prevented you from going!!! don't lose hope! (psalm 42!)