Monday, September 29, 2003

onward and upward

things i accomplished this weekend:

1. de-haired my legs:)
2. bought toe ring
3. painted toenails
4. straightened hair
5. loofahed and moisturized
6. watched 'murphy's romance' (who remembered this movie?)
7. got my car paint re-sealed
8. ate bbq
9. got my nails done
10. watched a cooking show marathon
11. started a new book, which promises to be quite good

all in all, i feel rather fabulous, although a bit tired from not getting enough rest last night. i knew that i was going to waken early this morning and, therefore, couldn't actually relax enough to sleep as much as i would have liked. ah well. my hair looks fabulous today; life's a trade-off.

i was at the office this morning by about 7:30. honestly, i love coming in early, but with friday's deadline behind me, i feel almost as though i have nothing to do. in truth, much of this morning has involved talking shop with salimah. sometimes it's good just to check in:)

on friday afternoon, we will leave for a women's retreat (through my former church) at a mennonite retreat center in mcveytown, pa. i couldn't be more excited. i attended last year's retreat, had a phenomenal time, and came to some conclusions about rather substantial life matters. i am hoping....needing, hear from God in a truly life-altering way. it is time for much learning on my part. and there are things that i am ready to hear now.

i have a hunch that some time in a valley will give me a moment to rest, to focus, to look up, to look ahead.....

Friday, September 26, 2003

my brain no longer hurts

please take note: as of today, the title of my blog has changed. update your links, if applicable:)

it's still me. just in slightly more forward-thinking packaging.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

'well i've been afraid of changin' cause i built my life around you.....'

there's a knot in my stomach. a big one. i've laid everything out now, God. i've given it back to you. whether i get it back or not, you're still Lord.

sometimes even breathing hurts.

Monday, September 22, 2003

dear God,

i know i don't normally write open letters to You in this particular forum, but i am feeling rather cavalier. You will, i hope, forgive me for this if, indeed, wisdom is not ruling this particular day.

i am in agony, Lord. is that an okay word to use? my insides are twisted and bent and i feel as though i might double over at any moment from the pain in my soul. i'm just honestly not sure what to do right now. i'm trying to understand whether these things that are happening are to wake me up or simply to help me put my trust more fully in you - or both. if i do need a wake-up call, could you possibly let me know this sooner rather than later? i know that i might not do the best job at handling this particular piece of information, but i do promise to try really hard to keep my wits about me one way or the other.

it is no understatement when i say that i feel differently somehow this time around, God. could it be that You are changing me after all? could it be that i'm no longer quite as weak, that i believe You just a bit more than i used to? could it be that i will make it through this storm and be able to walk with my chin up and without regret or fear in my eyes?

regardless, i submit myself to Your will...not mine, but Yours be done this day and always.

your kid,

p.s. thanks for not allowing me to go out like a punk.
p.p.s. sorry for being one anyway.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

my heart hurts

this summer was filled with so much loss for so many people, and the fall has shaped up with much the same. a lot of people have died over the last few months, and i know with my mind that this is the way of the world, but it seems that, more than ever, the list has included friends and relatives of (myself or) a lot of people that i know. sadness has covered people's lives like a blanket. and even in the midst of the death that came to me this summer, there was the understanding of even more loss and more grief - the proverbial cherry on the top of the sundae of despair.


5 floors beneath me, nigel sleeps. it has been more than a year and a half since we have been in the same room together (he has been on a nuclear sub in pearl harbor), yet the first glance at his face steered me immediately back to nights of long drives and even longer talks, singing into the night with all that our adolescent hearts had to give. it is funny how old friends never leave you, even when you are thousands of miles away. when a person is truly embedded in your heart, no amount of time or traveling can un-root them. and that is, quite understandably, just fine with me.

either tomorrow or monday, nigel will return to richmond where, at this point, our families sit in their homes, without power. i am grateful that my parents got their water back sometime yesterday, but it is uncertain when they will be able to take a hot shower or have any light or modern convenience. the thought of them sitting in the dark, eating potted meat and riding this out together is rather endearing, least they have each other, the comfort of knowing they're not alone.

perhaps this hurricane has me all sentimental or something....

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

the busy bee hath no time for sorrow....

work. yes, that's what i'm doing now. working. lots and lots of working. working is good for the soul! working makes you feel better about things! working doesn't allow for that whole sitting around wasting your life thing!

what am i even saying?

i don't know. what i want to know is this: are there enough hours to work in the day so that i don't feel what i'm feeling anymore?

let's find out....

Monday, September 15, 2003

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

goodbye, tennyson

tonight, i bought a new car. it was rather sudden, and yet i've been thinking about it for some time now. i had about 8 months to go in my lease, and i got an offer to back out of it early. when i found out today that my car needed 1000 bucks in repairs, it was a no-brainer.

so, i got rid of my beautiful silver, macked-out 2000 jetta (he was my dream car at the time) and am now getting acquainted with a sleek, black, much more pared down 2003 (same model)....i'm thinking he needs a name.....

either way, i'm still in shock.....

sidebar: michelle, i will be posting my interview answers soon. sorry i've been remiss!!

Sunday, September 07, 2003

nothing in particular....

my comments have been completely MIA for awhile now. supposedly, they should reappear sometime early this week. we'll see....

i suppose that i, too, have been mia. what can i say, really? work is busy, busy. last weekend (memorial day weekend), i worked every single day. not a good way to 'start' a week, lemme tell ya. at least the week ended with more of a 'bang.' salimah's b-day was on thursday and i had a pleasant evening (complete with frozen margaritas) with michael, her, and her friend gordon at the austin grill downtown. then we came home to open presents and hit vaccaro's for a later evening dessert run. friday night, salimah, myself, and two of her friends hung out, had some cocktails, and played taboo. it was a total girls' night. not really my typical style, but fun nevertheless....

tonight, michael and i made some dinner (chicken with leeks, shrooms, and lots of wine) and watched 'la femme nikita' episodes on dvd. nice, relaxing evening. much needed. time with him is generally good for my soul:)

i feel like i have some things to say, but it's nearly 3 a.m., so perhaps i shall leave with promises to return and share more of what's been on my mind....

goodnight. dreamland, here i come....