Monday, June 30, 2003

new year, new look

on the eve of my 28th birthday, and with a new vision for the immediate future of my existence, i have come to the conclusion that it is time for a blog change! my comments are presently flipping out (update: i fixed 'em!! yay!!), but please throw in your 2 cents anyway.....

the next couple of days are packed with activities.....i will post more after the festivities have waned a bit. but in the mean time...

i am excited to see what is around the next corner. circumstantial experience would teach me to fear, perhaps, but i'm going to place my bets on God's love for me this time around. whatever comes my way, i know Who's bringing it....and all that He brings is good:)

and so i wait, Lord, with baited breath.....let's begin all over again.

Sunday, June 29, 2003

birthday celebration, part i

today, my parents came to baltimore for a dual birthday visit (my mother's is june 26; mine is july 1), and along with salimah, we all went to the baltimore museum of art to see their cassatt/whistler exhibit. not the most impressive thing ever, but i got to see some nice etchings of venice and figure drawings of mothers with their children. very pleasant and enjoyable to wander around and then browse in the gift shop. salimah bought me an extra long postcard with a print of 'nighthawks' by edward hopper, a magnet for the fridge, and a couple of ink stamps for my letter writing endeavors.

afterwards, we drove to greektown and had a scrumptious dinner at ikaros, a baltimore institution for 30+ years. spanikopita, moussaka, lamb so tender it fell apart when you stabbed it with your fork, soft, hot bread, salad with huge chunks of fresh feta cheese, cocktails, yummy galaktoboureko (custard topped with phyllo dough and sugary syrup), good conversation, relaxed time together. i was sad to see my parents go, but thankful that the time had gone so well....

after a brief nap, salimah and i drove to barnes & noble to read and have some drinks (her, a white chocolate mocha and me, a chai creme frappucino). i started a new book from my collection and am already finding myself marveling (some 10 pages in) at anne lamott's well-crafted prose.

tonight, as we drove home through the cool night air, i couldn't help but think that today was just so nice....i had made a decision this morning that i would enjoy whatever came my way today, and i had no problem feeling really pleased about it all. perhaps this will turn out to be a good birthday after all. stay tuned. tuesday is just around the corner:)....

Thursday, June 26, 2003

'breakdown....breakthrough'

it is just 5 days until my 28th birthday, and i feel like things are starting to become clear, after all this time....

i am no longer satisfied with feeling like i've taken a backseat to my own existence. so much of my time has been spent allowing other people to make choices for me, or letting life sweep me into its currents without stepping back and asking myself is THIS what i REALLY want? and inside, there has been this nagging feeling that, all along, i have sold myself for cheap and failed to lead the life i really want to lead....the life that God has intended for me from the beginning.

well, no more. i am thinking in a more focused way, asking myself lots of questions, trying to make decisions once and for all - instead of my normal wish and wash.....

so, with all of that being said, i am hereby announcing that i have begun praying through whether or not to go back to school in another year or so. this issue keeps cropping up in my life, and every time, i haven't felt ready (whatever that means). bottom line: it was fear and/or confusion. i'm over that. if i decide not to go, it will be because i have a conviction about it, rather than feeling like i just can't do it.

one of the programs i am considering is the masters in pastoral counseling and spiritual care, offered at loyola college here in baltimore. i'm also going to look into some creative writing programs and perhaps a seminary or two. i'm not sure yet what path i'll take, but i feel like i want to do SOMETHING. it's not really about a career, but more about a richer existence. God, i submit myself to Your will....please make my paths straight - in this and all things.

on another note, i've picked up 40 hours now at this job (16 or so of which will be from home so that i can keep other commitments throughout the week). it's going really well; i feel like i'm an asset to this project. perhaps someone there will think so, too, and give me a permanent job!!:)

i'm also praying through my living situation and whether or not God will provide for both salimah and i to live on our own - sooner rather than later. up until recently, i couldn't even allow myself to seriously consider such a thing, because i had no kind of financial security. it's not that i do now, per se, but things are looking to be turning in that direction. it would be nice to live alone again....we shall see.

this year has been the hardest of my life so far. i have been swimming in a pool of sadness and, while i am not yet out of the dark, there is a light up ahead that is beginning to shine brighter all the time. there are miles to go for me, but i feel God's mercy giving me the means to rest awhile. and while there is a reprieve, i intend to make good use of it.

my life is in God's hands....and so, i press forward.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

memorandum

to: all the men who have waltzed out of my life on a dime
re: my cowardice
date: today, tomorrow, forevermore

i am writing to inform you that i deserve better than anything you ever gave me. i have always deserved better; i just didn't know it until recently. it is unfortunate that i didn't have the courage to kick you to the curb as you paraded your emotional antics in front of me on a semi-regular (if not daily) basis, somehow expecting me to swoon over the cheaply manufactured goods you were proffering. i have taken my egregious errors into consideration and will not be permitting any further soul-damaging madness to occur.

and for future reference, please refrain from expecting me to sell myself short in order to be in a relationship (if that's what you want to call it) with you or anyone of your ilk.

thank you for your time and attention to this matter. have a nice life.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

to italicize or not to italicize? that is, actually, the question....

well, i've worked two full days now, and i must say that things are going even better than i expected. it also helps, of course, that salimah is my supervisor and i'm not dealing with any full-blown issues just now. we shall see what happens next!

i will say the following: it is good to feel somewhat productive again after all this time. here's hoping that the possibility opens up for more permanent work after some time passes....

in other news, i've already spent too much money buying lunch. i have GOT to go to the store and pick up some rations. perhaps tomorrow will be the day for such things. yesterday, we went to the whole foods within walking distance of our building. it's good, but it gets too crowded and has too many things from which to choose for lunchtime eats....such things stress me out. i need limited options to save myself from insanity. today, we went to a deli that has a salad bar...quite delish but way overpriced. word of advice: never buy food by weight. hidden costs lie in tomatoes and other heavy veggies:).

salimah and i are going to watch a mooovie now and perhaps eat some din-din (if there is any to be found). nothing exciting here, but isn't that a good thing once in awhile??

Monday, June 16, 2003

what i really want to say is...

...i'm still here.
...i'm starting a part-time job tomorrow at salimah's company.
...i'm worn out and keyed up all at once.
...there aren't quite enough hours in the day.
...i don't really know how much you want to see me.
...i don't really know how much i want to see you.
...i'm scared.
...don't assume anything.
...macaroni and cheese is yummy.
...i'm glad there's a 7-11 in my building.
...my new shoes are already busted.
...i don't feel comfortable enough with my own thoughts to put them out in the airflow.
...if you knew how i really feel, you might not like me anymore.
...i'm not sure that i care about that.
...i'm not sure that i don't.
...i don't know.
...yes, i do.

...no, i don't.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

top ten albums that will ALWAYS remind me of freshman year in college (in no particular order, except #1):

1. counting crows, august and everything after
2. the cranberries, everybody else is doing it, so why can't we?
3. gin blossoms, new miserable experience
4. rich mullins, a liturgy, a legacy, & a ragamuffin band
5. erasure, pop!
6. simon & garfunkel, greatest hits
7. james, laid
8. any of the following three albums by the indigo girls: nomads, indians, saints; indigo girls; rites of passage
9. toad the wet sprocket, fear (this is a carryover from the summer after high school graduation)
10. jimmy buffett, songs you know by heart (ditto on #9)
You are Psalms
You are Psalms.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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Tuesday, June 10, 2003

still in a fog....here, nevertheless....

i ate leftover curried couscous for dinner tonight....decidedly unsatisfying by itself. it's too bad, really, that i didn't have any more of the roasted chicken that i made last night (orange, thyme, butter) - so good. and it didn't help me to learn that salimah had a burger when she was out to dinner with her friend, sara. man, what i wouldn't do for some beef right about now....

at least i got to spend a bit of time with michael, who dropped over to see how i was doing. we had a good chat as always...i love being able to really TALK about God with him. it's so fulfilling to go deep with someone else about the profound mysteries of our Creator....to share in our struggles and joys, to sense the Holy Spirit really teaching us and grounding us in His truth. it still amazes me how quick the human heart is to wander from what is true about God and His abundant love for us....what a blessing it is to be able to point each other back when necessary....added bonus: he makes me smile:).

before i sign off and go collapse in my feverish state, i want to say to my lovely friends who sent me e-mails wishing me health and wellness - thank you so much! i will be getting in touch with you shortly....

okay, so technically, i don't have a fever, but i FEEL like i do. i cannot stop sweating. my throat is swollen. my chest and nose are congested, and i suspect that i may even have pink eye. yes. i know. grody. this morning when i awoke, i leaned over to look at the clock and realized that i couldn't see a thing, because my eyelids were stuck together. when i did manage to pry them apart and looked in the mirror through the blurred glaze that covered my visual field, it was all about a not-so-lovely reddish color. oy vey.

i feel like bernie mac: pray for me, america....

Thursday, June 05, 2003

wonder of all wonders, here i am....blog-reading world, please forgive me. i am in a slump. a big one. and on top of it all, i have a cold.

sniff

because my life is so exciting, i will now proceed to inform you that my health insurance was cancelled (temporarily, i think) due to a huge screw-up that was not my fault. this has been occupying my brain for the last few hours and adding stress on top of the mountain of my discontent. fear not, though, dear reader. i will most likely be back in the swing of things (more interesting blog entries possibly included!) in the near future.

one can always hope....
Since no one else is posting to this blog, I thought I would. Sarah, I miss your insights, your humour, and your point of view. Please post again. Please?